Thomas Wolfe, page 127
Robert Weaver appeared suddenly one night about seven o’clock as Eugene was sitting in the lobby at the Leopold: he had not seen Robert since their arrest. His visit to the hotel was the result of a sudden impulse on Robert’s part: immediately, without greeting or any preliminary whatever, he began to ask all sorts of questions about the Leopold—How long had Eugene been there? Did he have a good room and how big was it? How well did he like living at the hotel? Then he insisted that Eugene show him his room. Eugene got his key at the desk and took him up: at the sight of the small room with its piles of books and stacks of student themes Robert burst out laughing. Then he began to ask all manners of questions in a serious and earnest tone—Where was the bathroom?—Eugene showed him—Did they give him plenty of towels?—Eugene told him—How much did he pay?—Eugene said the rent was twelve dollars a week.
He received these answers with an air of astounded surprise, his manner became even more earnest and excited, he began to say, “You don’t mean it!” “Well, I’ll be damned!” “Well, what do you know about that?”—as if the most astonishing revelations were being made to him. Eugene looked at him with misgiving, because he was obviously caught in the full surge of one of his impulses and, sure enough, all at once he said with an air of complete decision: “Damned if I don’t do it! It’s the very place I’ve been looking for all along! Why, look at all you get for the money! Damnedest bargain I ever heard of! I’ve just been throwing my money away up there!”—he had been living at the Yale Club—“Damned if I don’t get me a room and move in right away!”
This sudden prospect of having Robert as a neighbor did not attract the other youth: he was working very hard with his classes and trying to complete a play he had begun to write, and he had no intention of becoming the companion or nurse of Robert’s drunkenness or the confessor of his fevered despair and unrest: he told him he would not like the Leopold, that the people were old and stodgy, and the rules of propriety very strict. Further, he made the mistake of emphasizing the difficulty of getting a room there, although there really was no difficulty: he told him the place was a quiet family hotel, that the management wanted regular tenants of quiet habits who intended to live there permanently, that the preference was given to middle-aged married couples, and that there were no vacancies anyway—that a long list of applicants were waiting to get in. All this merely whetted Robert’s eagerness: he now said that he fulfilled all the requirements save marriage, and that this deficiency would soon be remedied: he said he had completely reformed his old habits of life, and that a quieter, steadier, more sober and industrious man did not exist: he said he was determined to live there, and he demanded that Eugene take him to the manager and plead for him without delay.
When Eugene saw that he was really determined, he agreed: they went downstairs to see the manager. He came out of his office with the habitual defensive look of caution and suspicion on his sour meagre face, and listened with his usual unwilling and disparaging air, not facing them or directly looking at them, but with his small parsley face averted and his eyes turned downward, while Eugene praised up Robert to the skies, said he had known him all his life, that he was the scion of an ancient and distinguished family in the South, a brilliant young attorney in a New York firm, and one of the steadiest and most proper youths that ever lived. Robert also put in from time to time with his deep voice and impressive manners, and at length Mr. Gibbs began to shake his head dubiously, to say he didn’t know, to tell how difficult it was to get admitted to the Leopold—until Eugene almost laughed in his face—but that in a case like this, because it was Eugene and he knew if he recommended a man he must be all right, and so on—he would see what he could do: he began to thumb over the pages of a meaningless ledger, peering at it and squinting along his parched finger as it moved across the page and chattering and mumbling like a monkey: at length he straightened with an air of decision, took four or five keys from their boxes and gave them to the negro captain with instructions “to show this gentleman these rooms.” They all got into the elevator and went upstairs again with Robert and the negro: they looked at several rooms and at length, after great indecision, appeals for advice and guidance, and innumerable questions, Robert selected a room in the old annex—a selection for which the other youth was grateful, since his own room was in the new one.
Robert moved in promptly the next day: they had dinner together; he was in a state of jubilant elation. Then no more was seen or heard of him for a week; when Eugene did get news of him it was neither welcome nor reassuring. The phone in his room rang one morning as he was dressing: a voice from the office asked him curtly to see Mr. Gibbs when he came down. He went downstairs with a sense of ominous misgiving: Mr. Gibbs came toward him with a puckered and protesting face as if he had just tasted something sour and unexpected, he began to speak at once in a tone of shocked and astounded indignation: “In heaven’s name!” he rasped; “who is this man Weaver that you brought here? What kind of man is he? You brought him here,” he said accusingly. “You recommended him. We thought he was all right. We took your word for it? What’s wrong with the man? Is he crazy? Is he out of his head completely?”—his face was soured and wrinkled like a persimmon, his small pinched figure trembled with excitement and indignation, he looked at the boy with an expression of horrified reproof—he was a comical sight, but the boy was in no temper at the moment to appreciate the humor of his appearance.
“What is it, Mr. Gibbs? What’s the matter? What has he done?”
“Why,” he said, trembling with anger at the very thought of it, “he tried to burn us all up last night. He came in here at three o’clock in the morning, raving and carrying on like a crazy man. Then he went upstairs and set his room on fire.”
“On fire!”
“Why, yes!” said Gibbs. “We had to call the fire department to put it out. Why, it’s a wonder any of us are left alive—all of these people sleeping in the hotel and this crazy man yelling and screaming at five o’clock this morning that the place is on fire! Why, we can’t have anything like that in this hotel,” he said with the air of one who describes the desecration of a temple. “We can’t have a man like that here. Why, he’ll drive the other people out, we’ll lose all our guests: people aren’t going to stay in a place with a crazy man. There’s no telling what a man like that is liable to do. Now!” he said with an air of abrupt and pugnacious decision, “he’s got to get out: I won’t have him here! I’m not going to have a man like that in my hotel a moment longer”—his small jaw hardened meanly, his face shrank, and his eyes narrowed, as he turned away, “and some one’s got to pay for all the damage that was done! Now I don’t care who pays it”—his face was averted—“but it’s not going to be us! Now you can tell him,” he snapped curtly, and he left.
Eugene went upstairs at once to Robert’s room in a state of choking anger and resentment: he felt that Robert had tricked him and taken advantage of him, that he was being held accountable for Robert’s misbehavior, and that now his own standing in the hotel had been jeopardized and he would be forced to leave this delightful and charming establishment at which he had cursed and mocked so bitterly many times, but which now, in his resentful spirit, took on a peaceful and home-like glamour it had never had before. He walked into Robert’s room without knocking: the room was a wreck, a negro maid was mournfully and sullenly gathering up from the floor the charred and blackened remnants of a pile of bed linen and blankets; the mirror had been smashed by a drinking-glass which Robert had hurled at it, he said, when he saw his image reflected in it, the remnants of a chair lay on the floor, the heavy glass plate upon a writing table had been broken, there was a large brownish stain upon one of the walls where he had hurled a whiskey bottle, and one end of his bed lay tilted on the floor where he had stamped or kicked the slats and boards to splinters. Robert was standing in the midst of all the ruin he had made, with a nervous and rueful expression on his face: when his friend came in he looked at him uneasily and laughed in a feeble and foolish manner, without conviction.
“Now, damn it, don’t stand there laughing about it, Robert,” the other said. “You may think it’s funny as hell, but it’s no joke for me. Of course,” he went on bitterly, “I’m the goat. I’m the one who’s got to suffer for it. I’m the one they hold responsible. Now you’ve just fixed it so that I can’t stay here in the hotel any longer: they’re going to put me out!”
“You!” Robert said, in a protesting tone. “Why, it’s not your fault. You didn’t have anything to do with it.”
“You’re damned well right I didn’t,” he answered. “And you’re going to tell them so. Now, I was a fool once, but you won’t catch me that way again: I begged and pleaded to get you in here and you go and play a dirty trick like this. And you’re going to pay for it, too.”
“I’ll pay, I’ll pay,” Robert said hastily. “I know it was my fault. I’ll pay whatever they ask. Have they said anything to you about it?” he said nervously. “What do they say?”
“They say you’ve got to pay for all the damage that you’ve done and get out of the hotel at once.”
“Oh, I’ll pay!” he said earnestly, and with a pleading note in his voice. “I don’t want to leave the hotel. . . . I’ll never act like that again. . . . Does Gibbs want to see me?” he said nervously.
“You can just bet your balls he does! And right now!”
“Come on!” said Robert coaxingly. “You go with me. . . . He’ll listen to you. . . . Tell him how it was.”
“Tell him how it was! Why, he knows damn well how it was! And so do you! You were lousy and crazy-drunk, that’s how it was. . . . No, I won’t do it: I’ve been your goat long enough. You’ll have to fight it out with him for yourself. . . . And don’t you bring my name into it, either, Robert, this was a hell of a thing to do!” Eugene yelled furiously. “In God’s name, what’s got into you? Have you gone mad?”
“Ah,” he said in a brooding, sullen tone, “you know what it is. . . . It’s that woman. . . . It’s Martha! I can’t get her off my mind, I think about her all the time. . . . My God, Eugene, if something doesn’t happen soon, I will go crazy, sure enough.”
“Happen! What do you want to happen?”
He beat himself, suddenly and savagely, on his breast.
“Christ knows!” he said. “Something’s got to break loose . . . here . . . here . . . here!” His eyes were shot with tears and a madness of desperation: in this baffled and infuriated gesture there was something that was really painful, tortured, and deeply moving: all at once Eugene felt sorry for him; he did not know why Robert wanted to stay at the hotel any longer, he did not know what he found there in that shabby and sterile life to attract or interest him, and perhaps it was nothing except a sense in him that he was disgraced, an outcast from the ranks of orderly society: he wanted to stay in order to subdue the fear and shame he felt, and to soothe, in whatever way he could, his lacerated pride. Therefore, Eugene resolved to help him.
“Robert,” he said, “if you really want to stay here, why don’t you go and see old Gibbs, and talk to him. Tell him you’re sorry for all the trouble you made and the damage you did, and that you’re willing to pay whatever he says is fair. Then let him rave. He’s a sour old bastard and he’ll bawl you out, but let him rave. He enjoys it. Then tell him if he’ll let you stay, you’ll never act like this again. And if I can help out any, I’ll do it.”
He agreed to this at once, and Eugene left him and went to his own room: when he went downstairs a few minutes later on his way to his first class, Robert was standing at the desk, submissively attentive to the tongue-lashing Gibbs was giving him. The little man was in a state of trembling denunciation, he squinted and peered at Robert’s face, and wagged an indignant finger at him; his shrewd, sour, nasal voice carried to all parts of the room, and Robert listened apologetically and sorrowfully, putting in a word of penitent assent from time to time, in a deep, respectful voice:
“I quite agree with you. . . . You are absolutely right, sir. . . . It was a terrible thing to do. . . . I’ll never do it again as long as I live. . . . I’ll pay you for every bit of damage that I did”—and he took out his check-book and opened it upon the counter. Eugene went over and joined them: the old man was beginning to simmer down somewhat into occasional howls and blasts of fury, like a hurricane which has spent its fiercest violence and is in process of abatement: Robert began to talk smoothly, entreatingly, and charmingly—he swore to a complete and abject repentance, spoke touchingly and mysteriously of great storms and tragedies in his recent life which had driven him to this mad and violent explosion, and gave his solemn oath never to repeat the experience again if he was only allowed to remain in the hotel: Eugene put in a word of agreement here and there when he thought it might help—the upshot of it was that Gibbs finally began to speak to Robert in a tone of almost paternal affection, a kind of radiance was given off from his meagre soul, he bent towards Robert intimately, he even laughed—and when they departed, to their astonishment, he even gave the repentant sinner a warm squeeze of the hand, and a friendly pat upon the shoulder.
Within a period of three furious months Robert made trips to Colorado seven times: he got on trains and was hurled 2000 miles across the continent as casually as a man would make the subway trip from Times Square to Brooklyn Heights. Sometimes he would leave New York on Friday night and be back within four or five days, after spending ten hours with Martha Upshaw: sometimes he would be gone a week, and once he did not return for three. On this occasion Eugene received a telegram from him when he had been absent about five days: the message curtly bade Eugene to send all his mail to a hotel in Colorado Springs until further notice, and said he would explain on his return.
Eugene was sitting in the lobby one evening two weeks later, when Robert came in. He walked with a limp and his face seemed to have undergone a curious angular distortion: he came toward Eugene with a kind of frozen grin and when he spoke to him he began to mutter something incoherent between set teeth and to point with his finger at his jaw. In a few moments, Eugene was able to decipher his jargon sufficiently to understand that his jaw and nose were broken, that most of the teeth had been extracted, in order that the jaw-bone might be wired together, and that he could not open his mouth now, either to speak or eat, because of wires that bound the fracture. In addition, his nose, which had been strong and straight, now curved sideways in a wide broken arc.
Robert was shockingly thin and wasted, he said he had bled a great deal, and had been unable to eat any solid food since his injury: it was obvious he had about reached the limit of his strength, the whole contour of his skull was visible, his eyes were sunken and burned with a more furious and fatal glow than ever before.
But he laughed at Eugene’s look of stupefaction when he saw him, and laughed again, morosely and indifferently, as he told him the cause of his injuries: he said he had been driving with Martha Upshaw the night he got to Colorado Springs, both had been to a roadhouse and were drunk and neither, to use his description of their feeling, “gave a damn.” The girl was driving, the hour was late, they had come around a curve in a mountain road at great speed, the car had left the road, plunged down a steep embankment, and turned over three times before it smashed up against a tree. The girl had been badly cut by broken glass and had several stitches taken in wounds on her face and head, but she broke no bones. Robert had been hurled twenty feet from the car, he was unconscious and bleeding horribly, and it had been thought at first his injuries were fatal.
But here he was, at least a vital piece of him, smashed and broken, but still fiercely living. It was obvious, however, that this final catastrophe had hardened his spirit in a resolute desperation: the suicidal fatalism—that hunger for death which all men have in them and which is perhaps as strong a driving-force in man as the hunger for life—and which had been strongly marked in Robert only when he was drunk—had now become the habit of his soul. He no longer cared whether he lived or died, in his inmost heart he had grown amorous of death, and it was evident that living flesh and bone could not much longer endure the cruel beating he had given it. And this fact—this shocking, visible, physical fact—as much as anything—sealed him in fatal desperation, confirmed him in his belief that everything was lost.
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LI
Man’s youth is a wonderful thing: It is so full of anguish and of magic and he never comes to know it as it is, until it has gone from him forever. It is the thing he cannot bear to lose, it is the thing whose passing he watches with infinite sorrow and regret, it is the thing whose loss he must lament forever, and it is the thing whose loss he really welcomes with a sad and secret joy, the thing he would never willingly re-live again, could it be restored to him by any magic.
Why is this? The reason is that the strange and bitter miracle of life is nowhere else so evident as in our youth. And what is the essence of that strange and bitter miracle of life which we feel so poignantly, so unutterably, with such a bitter pain and joy, when we are young? It is this: that being rich, we are so poor; that being mighty, we can yet have nothing, that seeing, breathing, smelling, tasting all around us the impossible wealth and glory of this earth, feeling with an intolerable certitude that the whole structure of the enchanted life—the most fortunate, wealthy, good, and happy life that any man has ever known—is ours—is ours at once, immediately and forever, the moment that we choose to take a step, or stretch a hand, or say a word—we yet know that we can really keep, hold, take, and possess forever—nothing. All passes; nothing lasts: the moment that we put our hand upon it it melts away like smoke, is gone forever, and the snake is eating at our heart again; we see then what we are and what our lives must come to.
A young man is so strong, so mad, so certain, and so lost. He has everything and he is able to use nothing. He hurls the great shoulder of his strength forever against phantasmal barriers, he is a wave whose power explodes in lost mid-oceans under timeless skies, he reaches out to grip a fume of painted smoke; he wants all, feels the thirst and power for everything, and finally gets nothing. In the end, he is destroyed by his own strength, devoured by his own hunger, impoverished by his own wealth. Thoughtless of money or the accumulation of material possessions, he is none the less defeated in the end by his own greed—a greed that makes the avarice of King Midas seem paltry by comparison.
