Painful, page 7
After removing her shirt, I enclosed her nipple in my mouth, stroking, swirling, then I moved on to the other one. Once she was squirming beneath me, I moved my mouth down her abdomen. “Oh God,” left her lips, and I smiled. I hadn’t even gotten to the good part yet. How much she wanted me made me ache, and I was straining against my boxers, eager to be one with her. Soon.
When I got to her pants, I slipped them and her underwear down her hips, then off her legs. She was truly restless now, wanting so much more from me. I gently ran my hands down her legs, calming her, then I leaned forward, and ran my tongue up her core. “Oh…God…Kellan…” That was much louder than before—she was awake in every sense of the word now.
She pulled my head, wanting my mouth back on her, and I went eagerly. A groan left me as I tasted her desire for me. She was so ready, panting in an escalating rhythm that I knew meant she was close. I pulled back, and she clutched my shoulder, hard. Her gaze snapped down to mine, and our eyes locked in the darkness. Hers were nearly wild with desire, and I had to imagine mine looked the same.
“I want you so much, Kiera.” Every. Single. Day.
“Take me,” she breathed, opening her arms in a welcoming gesture.
I tore off my boxers, then worked my way back up her chest to her lips. Once we were flush together, I pressed inside her. A groan escaped me when I did. I’d never realized how incredible skin-to-skin contact was until Kiera, and I didn’t think I could go back to condoms now. Not that I ever wanted to—this was the woman I was going to make love to for the rest of my life. Hopefully.
Her arms wrapped around me as we moved together, drawing me in, drawing me closer. Kiera had a way of making sex so much more intimate than it had ever been before. It was like our souls were connecting, not our bodies. “Oh God, Kellan, you feel…so…” Her voice trailed off as emotion overtook her.
“God, Kiera…I love you…” The words escaped me unconsciously. They did almost every time we made love.
A shudder passed through Kiera, and she worked against me harder, needing more. We were both warm now, breathless. As I moved with her, I felt my climax approaching, and then it was like I was floating, riding a wave of bliss that I never wanted to end. Kiera’s cries grew more intense, and I felt her stiffen beneath me as she hit the wall. Her body constricting pushed mine over the edge, and an explosion of euphoria burst through me, intensifying as I came. Oh…God…
It felt like it took an eternity for the wave of ecstasy to subside, and even then, I felt tiny residual shivers of it, like aftershocks. Trying to collect my breath, I clutched Kiera tight. She was having similar difficulty calming down. Every time with her was so intense, it always took my breath away.
When I was more or less put back together, I pulled back to look at her. “I really love this bed,” I said with a grin.
Kiera laughed, then gave me a kiss. “And I really love you.”
Moving to her side, I pulled her into me, keeping her close. “Now this is how you should go to bed every night,” I said, the lull of sleep starting to pull me under. Kiera let out a tired laugh, then nestled her back against my chest.
I kissed her shoulder, and Kiera twisted her head to look toward me. “Before I forget…I emptied a drawer for you.”
Moving back, I pulled on her shoulder, so I could see her face better. “Emptied a drawer…is that code for something? Because I’m drawing a blank.”
She grinned, then shook her head. “No code. I mean that literally.” My brows were still bunched in confusion, until she pointed over to her dresser. “I removed all of my things from the top drawer of the dresser…so you could put your things in there. So you don’t have to make a special trip to your house, every time you spend the night here.”
My gaze went from the dresser to her face to the dresser. “You…you made room for me?” Even though we’d exchanged keys, even though we’d talked about living together down the road, there was something about this unasked for, unexpected gesture of openness that tore at me.
Her warm fingers touched my cheek, returning my eyes to hers. “I’ll always make room for you.”
A strange feeling ripped through my chest, burning me with its intensity. “No one’s ever made room for me. No one’s ever…” I couldn’t finish that thought and had to swallow back the sudden lump in my throat.
Kiera’s thumb brushed over my cheek, and her eyes shifted to concern. “Kellan, why are you—?”
I cut off her question with a quick kiss. “I’m fine, Kiera, I just didn’t expect…That was very kind. Thank you.” I tried to keep my expression warm and loving, only appropriately emotional, but I could tell from the crystalline glossiness in her eyes, that she could see my pain, my loneliness…my grief.
“I hate what they did to you,” she murmured under her breath, below what she thought I could hear. I knew exactly what she meant, exactly who she was talking about…I hated what they did to me too.
The pain amplified, like a punch to the gut, but still, I kept my expression neutral. “I’m fine, Kiera,” I reiterated, trying to soothe the sudden anger in her eyes. I think if my parents were still alive, Kiera would scream at them every day for how they’d treated me. Not that I’d let her near them—I wouldn’t allow those bastards to turn their vitriol on her.
Kiera shook her head as she stared at me. “You always tell me you’re fine…but there’s still so much pain.” Her voice hitched, and the wetness in her eyes grew heavier. “Have you ever thought about talking to someone? A professional?”
Rolling onto my back, I stared at the ceiling. “You want me to see a shrink? You think I’m…broken?” My voice had a harsh edge to it. I didn’t want it to come out that way, but I couldn’t keep the heat out. I really didn’t like the idea of Kiera seeing me as damaged goods. Even if that was exactly what I was.
She instantly popped up on her elbow and hovered over me. “No, I don’t. You’ve endured so much, but you’re still such a good man…” I had to cringe away from that comment. There were many people on this earth—my ex-best friend among them—who thought I was anything but a good person.
Seeing me flinch, Kiera continued her thought. “You’re a survivor, Kellan. But being a survivor doesn’t mean you have to keep everything to yourself. Talking to someone might ease the pain. Don’t you want that?”
An instant objection on my lips, I looked over at her. The words died as I stared at her perfect face, at the depth of love and caring etched in every line, every curve. She was trying to help me, I knew that. But my parents were gone, and as far as I was concerned, all the horrible things they’d done to me had died with them. There was no need to refresh the memories by talking about them. Whenever I accidentally did, it only made everything hurt again. Nothing eased that pain, and nothing ever would. Except her.
“What I want…is you,” I told her. Then I reached up and pulled her mouth to mine.
She sighed before our lips connected. A resigned sigh, like she understood I was closing the door on the conversation. Kissing me softly, she murmured, “You have me, Kellan. Heart and soul.”
I smiled, grateful for that fact, then I pushed her onto her back and moved over the top of her. Our kiss grew heated, and a few moments later, I pressed inside her again, showing her that the feeling was mutual—she had my heart and soul too. Hopefully she was kind to it, because whether she realized it or not, she could hurt me a thousand times worse than my parents ever had. And knowing that terrified me.
Chapter 5
GAMES
As the days stretched on, things between Kiera and me just got better and better. We alternated where we met up, swapping out her place for mine. My drawer in her dresser was full of anything I might need whenever I stayed at her apartment, and the drawer I’d emptied for her at my house was equally full of her things. I had to admit, I loved having a part of her in my room with me when she wasn’t there physically. It was comforting. Plus, her clothes smelled like her…it turned me on.
I was alone for the time being, working on lyrics in my kitchen. I was just about done with a new song for the guys, something Matt should be thrilled about. Ever since Kiera and I had started dating, my knack for spitting out songs had…slowed. Who knew that being absurdly happy could squelch the creative process? But thankfully, I’d finally come up with something for the guys, and shockingly enough, it wasn’t a sappy, all-is-right-with-the-world song. No, it was still about pain and regret. Thanks to the tortured history Kiera and I shared, I still had pockets of remorse to sing about.
Writing about that time always brought Kiera forefront to my mind. She was at her art class with Jenny and Kate. I’d seen some of Jenny’s pieces hung up at Evan’s place—the girl had crazy talent—but I’d never seen anything from Kiera. She never brought home any of her work, or if she did, it immediately went into the garbage can, like she was embarrassed or something. It left me curious and clueless about how she was doing in the class—how she was actually doing in the class. She was all too quick to tell me she had the talent of a two-year-old, but I didn’t buy that for a second. I had no doubt that her art wasn’t nearly as bad as she thought it was. Kiera was too hard on herself. And she was way too stressed out about school starting tomorrow.
I swear she hadn’t slept at all last night, just stared at the ceiling thinking, planning…agonizing. Since this wasn’t her first time at the school, I was a little mystified why she was worrying about it. She didn’t get nervous going into Pete’s anymore, so what was the difference? And it didn’t seem to be the upcoming workload that was freaking her out either. It was literally the idea of walking into a new class, not knowing what to expect. It was strange to me, since I didn’t get nervous about stuff like that, but it was a real concern for her, so I was doing my best to think of ways to help her through it.
Walking her to class was a given—she liked it, and I liked it too. Honestly, it was one of my favorite things about Kiera being in school. That and helping her study. I was a firm believer that sex before, during, or after studying helped you retain things. A belief I was willing to help Kiera put to the test over and over again this fall. For science’s sake, of course.
Laughing at that thought, I set my notebook aside for the day. I wanted to get in a run before Kiera was done with her art class. Maybe exercise would help me think of a way to get her to relax tonight, forget about the needless fears awaiting her in the morning. Something unexpected and fun, something she could think about when she was nervous, something she’d never forget. Yeah, I would do that for her tonight. Help her make a memory, freeze a moment in time. With me.
Eager for the memory to start, even though I had no idea what the memory was going to entail, I quickly changed into my workout gear—a T-shirt and track pants. Grabbing my running shoes, I headed out the door and locked up my house. It was such a relief to know that I didn’t have to worry about beating Kiera back to my home—she could let herself in whenever she got there.
My house rested on a steep hill, about halfway down the incline. That meant I could either start my workout with a bang or end it with one. It was still kind of strange to me, living on one of the many extreme hills that dotted the city. My childhood home in West Seattle had been in a relatively flat spot, considering the area, and I hadn’t had the truly rugged hill experience until moving here.
I’d started running as a teenager. It had given me an excuse to get out of the house, get away from my parents, and every time I’d gone out, I’d fantasized about never coming back, about picking a straight line and sticking to it, until I was somewhere far away from them. I’d always come back though. Out of fear, I think, fear of what they’d do if they ever found me. Then the moment I’d graduated, I’d run away for real, only to find that my parents hadn’t done a damn thing. Maybe I should have run away ages ago.
Not wanting to think about my parents on a day that could potentially be amazing, I forced my thoughts back to my girlfriend. God, she was so incredible. She filled me with light, filled me with hope, and I wanted to do the same thing for her. Tonight needed to be special.
About halfway through my run, I reached the park where I liked to work my muscles. My park…and Kiera’s. Sweat poured off me as I did some pushups against a park bench, and pausing a moment, I took off my shirt. As I was doing so, I heard giggling off to my left. I didn’t turn to look, but I couldn’t help but smile. Kiera had appreciated my form at this park on more than one occasion, and now whenever I heard the titter of intrigued girls, I thought of her…checking me out, back when she wasn’t supposed to be checking me out. Sometimes, during dark moments, I wondered if Kiera would have fallen for me if I looked differently…more average, more unremarkable. Sometimes I worried that once my looks failed, or if something happened to make them fail prematurely, Kiera wouldn’t want me like she did now. But I knew Kiera loved me for me, the person behind the face, so I had to believe that wouldn’t be the case. Hopefully.
Finished for the day, I shoved myself away from the bench and stood up. I accidentally faced the group of girls and caught them openly staring at me; one of them even had their jaw dropped. It was flattering, amusing, but it was also a reminder. My looks were what most people noticed, what they instantly craved. But my looks had nothing to do with me. The real me. Kiera was the only woman who’d ever delved deep enough to find the well-buried core of me. I loved her so much for that.
I gave the girls a charming smile, because I hated being rude without reason, then I grabbed my shirt off the bench and started my way back home. Kiera might be close to getting there, and I really wanted to see her. The group of girls watched me the entire time I passed by them. One of them whistled when my ass was their only view. I shook my head, amused. Girls liked to pretend that they were different than guys when it came to sex—more mature, less primal—but in my experience…they weren’t. They were just better at being subtle. Sometimes.
I’d decided to end my workout with a bang, so I was breathing pretty hard when I finally got back to my house. My heart pounded against my ribcage, and I was slick with sweat, but the rush of adrenaline made me feel great. Or maybe that feeling was due to the fact that my front door was unlocked—Kiera was home. That definitely made me feel amazing.
She was in the entryway when I opened the door, a small frown on her perfect face as she studied the mammoth bag she’d brought with her—everything she’d need for school tomorrow. She seemed worried as she stared at it, like she was sure she’d forgotten something. I could almost see anxiety hovering around her like a noxious cloud. Clearly, I had my work cut out for me.
Kiera noticed me a split-second later, then she did a double take. She drank in my half-bare body like she’d never seen it before. It amused me that she still acted that way, and even with my occasional “what if” worries, I wouldn’t change the way she looked at me. I loved it when she devoured me with her eyes.
“You’re obsessed, you know?” I said, scrubbing my hair dry with my shirt.
Her cheeks suddenly flushed with color, and I instantly realized she thought I meant she was obsessed with my body. While that was certainly true, it wasn’t what I meant. I pointed at her school bag. “You’re going to be just fine.”
She visibly relaxed when I didn’t call her out for ogling me. Rolling her eyes at herself, she said, “I know. I honestly don’t know why it twists my stomach so much.”
With a smile, I turned and shut my door. “I know just how to get your mind off of it.” I’d just thought of it on the way up the hill.
I turned back around just in time to see Kiera’s eyes readjust to my face. She’d totally checked me out when I’d been turned around. She really was obsessed. At least it was me she couldn’t get enough of. I hoped that was always the case.
As she stared at me, my idea sprang into my mind, making me smile. If she said yes, this was going to be so much fun. Kiera tilted her head as I slipped my arms around her waist. “Oh?” she asked, her face amused and intrigued as she rested her fingers on my damp chest.
I gave her body a suggestive once-over. “Yep,” I said, offering no further explanation. Kiera bunched her brows in question, and I laughed at her curiosity. Releasing her, I kissed her cheek. “Just let me clean up first.”
Moving around her, I could see the questions in her eyes, but she only nodded at me with her lips pursed in contemplation. I laughed at the look on her face, then lightly smacked her butt and hopped up the stairs two at a time. Once upstairs, I took the quickest shower known to man. I half expected Kiera to join me, but she didn’t. When I stepped out of the bathroom, it became pretty clear why she hadn’t…she was watching TV. Was that because she’d truly wanted to watch a little TV, or was she doing that to distract herself from me? I hoped it was me.
Smiling to myself, I threw on some clothes so I could go back downstairs with her. She was sitting on the couch when I got there, completely absorbed in an educational show about marine life. She was so into the program, she didn’t even seem to realize I was in the living room with her. In fact, if she got up, grabbed a notebook from her bag and started taking notes, I wouldn’t have been surprised. My girl could be very studious. She was so cute.
But cute or not, I kind of wanted her attention now. She still hadn’t looked over at me, so I let out a grunt of frustration, then leaned over to make my presence more obvious. My lips touched her neck, and she startled in surprise, but as my mouth moved against her, my tongue flicking her skin, she sighed and angled her head for me, giving me better access.
“Is this how you’re going to distract me?” she asked, her voice low and seductive. If she kept talking like that, maybe…
With a deep laugh, I tossed away that thought, grabbed her by the waist, and pulled her from the couch. “Nope,” I said when she was on her feet. A wide smile on my face, I flicked her nose. “I have a better idea.”
