Painful, page 55
Kiera gave me a look that spoke volumes—You only have yourself to blame. I know, Kiera…I know. I smiled at the look on Kiera’s face, grateful that she wasn’t jealous. Or needlessly worried. Maybe she was genuinely starting to trust me too. And she should. Especially with Rita. But with everyone else too. Kiera was it for me. My body, my soul, were hers. And Rita needed to finally understand that.
Knowing I’d need to be a little more forceful than I was currently being, I grabbed Rita’s shoulders and pushed her away from me. Her eyes flashed open in surprise; I generally wasn’t rough or dismissive with her. Honestly, I’d tolerated her relentless flirting for far too long, and this wasn’t entirely her fault. I made my voice gentle, but firm. “I know we had a thing once, but that was years ago, and I’ve moved on. We’ve both moved on.” I pointedly looked at her wedding ring. It was a different husband now than when we’d been together, which meant a new opportunity for her to be faithful. And she should be faithful…or she shouldn’t be married. “But I’m with Kiera now, and your constant flirting isn’t appropriate. Neither is your gossiping about things we did together. I would appreciate it if, in the future, both of those things would stop…please.”
She only stared at me, stunned, and I suddenly realized we should have had this conversation ages ago. I hopped over the bar, then untied my apron and handed it to her. “Thank you, Rita, it was fun.” But it’s definitely over. She pouted as she took my apron, but she didn’t object. Thank God.
Soft smile on her face, Kiera took my hand and started leading us toward Denny. But Denny had already decided to approach us, and the two of them almost collided. Denny and Kiera both laughed in a similar, friendly way. I waited for the jealousy to hit me…but it didn’t, and its absence made me smile.
Grinning brightly, Denny looped an arm around his girlfriend’s waist and said, “Kiera, Kellan, this is my girlfriend, Abby.”
Abby extended her hand to Kiera first; she didn’t look at all fazed by the fact that Kiera had once been very important to her boyfriend. It delighted me that Denny had found someone who was that secure in their relationship. I doubted Abby would ever cheat on him. And thinking that made me feel even worse. Kiera cheated on him because of me. Because I hadn’t been able to live up to my promise. Because I basically sucked as a human being.
In a pleasant, accented voice, Abby said, “Hello Kiera, it’s nice to finally meet you.” From what I could tell, there was nothing but genuine warmth behind the sentiment. God…she was just as remarkably forgiving as Denny.
Kiera seemed amazed by that too as she subtly examined Denny’s girlfriend. I found it amusing that Denny’s current flame was so different appearance-wise than his old flame: long blonde hair, pale gray eyes, and way more self-esteem. I also found it amusing that I’d always pictured him with a blonde, and here he was, finally dating a blonde.
“You too, Abby. Denny talks about you all the time,” Kiera said, smiling at her. That statement made me happier than it should, and I couldn’t stop my grin.
When the two girls broke apart, I extended my hand to Abby. “It’s nice to meet you, Abby.” I felt myself tensing a little as she turned to fully appraise me. I didn’t want her to gawk at me, or be flustered by me, or have any reaction to me that would take away from her relationship with Denny. But her eyes only briefly scanned my face. Seeing the disinterest made me relax. Good. Denny deserves someone who doesn’t give a shit what I look like.
She demurely took my hand, glancing back at Denny while she did, like she was making sure touching me wouldn’t hurt him. I kind of loved that she did that. He was first in her heart. They were solid. Denny gave her a small nod as he smiled at her, completely unworried, and I loved that too. Maybe Denny finally trusted me too. No…it was Abby he trusted. And that was okay. I wouldn’t blame him if he never trusted me again.
Abby’s eyes returned to me, and her smile widened, showing twin dimples. “It’s nice to meet you too, Kellan. Denny says…good things about you.”
What? She could have slapped me, and I would have been less surprised. Completely floored, I stared at Denny in shock. “You do? Why? I was an asshole to you…”
Denny’s gaze drifted to the floor, and I swear I saw guilt on his face. When he looked back at me, I was sure I saw guilt. Why the fuck would he feel guilt toward me? “And I nearly killed you.” He paused to sigh and run a hand through his hair. “In the end…whose crime was greater?”
Mine. By a longshot. The only reason he’d even come unglued in the first place was because of me. How could he blame himself for something I’d done to him? I was so…annoyed, I had to look away from him. Not only had I caused him pain, I’d caused him remorse too. I’d destroyed a part of him, a part of his innocence. I’d…changed him…and I would never forgive myself for that.
I felt Kiera’s hand on my stomach, giving me comfort, strength. I looked at her face, saw the matching guilt in her eyes, then returned my attention to Denny. “I still took something that wasn’t mine. Even if you feel guilty for the fight…” and you shouldn’t, “…you really shouldn’t ever talk to me again.”
My gaze sank to the floor as worthlessness filled me. This isn’t even what I wanted to apologize to him about. I had so much to apologize to him for it was…overwhelming. How had I screwed someone over so badly?
An odd sound made me snap my eyes up. Denny was…laughing. And smiling. Holding Abby tight to him, he shook his head and said, “You should see the looks on your faces right now.”
I glanced at Kiera; she had the same guilty, confused look on her face. Denny laughed a little harder, and we returned our eyes to him. He clapped my shoulder, shaking his head as he told me, “Look, I know your life was hard, and I realize that Kiera must have been a…salve…for you.” He pointedly raised his eyebrows. “I get it. I didn’t like it, but I get it.”
Salve? Yes…she was. In every way she’d opened me, cleaned me, healed me. Resisting that kind of love hadn’t been possible for me. Not when I’d gone my entire life without it. A small smile graced my lips as I looked at him. At least he understood why I’d betrayed him.
Denny turned his gaze to Kiera. “And you…” He paused, bit his lip, then sighed. “I know I put my job first.” Kiera shook her head, but Denny didn’t let her speak. “No, I did, Kiera. I was coming to Seattle, with or without you. I was going to Tucson, with or without you. And, I may have panicked and rushed back to Seattle when I thought I’d lost you, but…my head was still on my job…not you. And I’m so sorry for that. And I don’t blame you anymore for falling for someone who gave you the attention you wanted, the attention you deserved.”
My eyes drifted to Kiera. I’d never thought about it that way. Not really. I’d always placed the blame on my inability to leave her alone or on her inability to be alone. I’d never let myself blame Denny. I wasn’t sure that I ever could blame him, but hearing him admit to having a small part in it, it took some of the sting out of the guilt. Not a lot—it still wasn’t his fault—but some.
Tears in her eyes, Kiera nodded at him, accepting his apology. Our group grew silent as the past crashed around us. Abby was the one who broke the stillness. “Oh my God, will the three of you just hug already?”
And we did. And it was extremely…healing.
Chapter 34
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Some guys had stolen Denny and Abby’s seats, so I invited them to sit at the band’s table with us. On the way, I apologized to Denny—again—for being an ass when I’d caught him with Kiera. Since I’d already apologized, he brushed it off with a joke about him being used to me being an ass. I had to laugh at that. Yes, I supposed he had gotten used to me being a jerk. Hopefully my days of snapping at him were over.
Denny and Abby left the bar long before me, and then, at the tail end of the night, my friends left too. Since I wasn’t going anywhere without Kiera, I stayed until her shift was over, and we walked out of Pete’s hand-in-hand. I was so happy to be going home with her, I hummed a D-Bags song the entire way to my car.
My car…in my joy to reconnect with Kiera, I’d almost forgotten that I’d be reconnecting with my other baby too. Running my hand over the hood made me grin; there was a fresh coat of polish on her. Turning to Kiera, I told her, “Thanks for not wrecking her.”
Soft smile on her face, she kissed my jaw. “I know what she means to you…I was good to her.” She started walking around to the other side of the car. “I only got her up over a hundred that one time.”
Icy dread flashed through me as my eyes darted over my baby. She was joking, right? I glanced up to see Kiera shake her head at me, amused, as she got into the car. Frowning at her comment, I got behind the wheel. “Not funny,” I told her.
She grinned at me, then leaned over to kiss me. I pulled away before she could, and she pouted. Smiling, I told her, “Happy birthday, Kiera.”
She looked confused for a second, like she’d forgotten the date had changed during her shift, then she gave me a beautiful grin. “Thank you, you’re the first one to say it.”
I smirked at her as I leaned forward. “I know, I planned it that way.” My mouth met hers, soft, teasing. I slid my tongue along her lip, then angled our connection so I could feel more of her. I didn’t think I’d ever get enough of her. Need surged through me as our mouths moved together, as her tongue touched mine. Kiera groaned, sending an ache straight through me. It had been too long since we’d last made love. I needed her.
Just as I was debating lying her down on the seat, Kiera pulled away. Her eyes were hooded with desire as she examined my face. “Take me home, Kellan.” Leaning forward, she breathed soft, wonderful words into my ear. “Take me to our home.”
Her words just about undid me, and a needy groan escaped me. Our home. God… I closed my eyes and chewed on my bottom lip as desire and happiness pummeled me. It was so overwhelming, I stopped breathing.
I heard Kiera say, “Kellan? Are…you okay?” I cracked an eye open to look at her.
Grinning, my lip still firmly under my teeth, I nodded. “Yeah, I just needed a minute.” Or a lifetime. Those words were everything to me. She was everything to me.
I got her home in record time. Her mouth was on mine the second we were out of the car. I unlocked the front door and opened it blind. I pulled her inside and stripped off my jacket. I tossed it in the general direction of the coat hooks and heard it hit the floor. Whatever. I didn’t fucking care. I kicked the door closed, then grabbed Kiera’s thighs and lifted her into my arms. As I kissed her neck, I said, “Hmmm, which room should we christen first?”
She giggled at me, and her answer was humorous. “We’ve never done much in the laundry room?”
Fine with me. I instantly started walking us that way and she laughed and squirmed against me. “I was joking! Bed, Kellan…” She paused to cup my cheek before kissing me again. “I want to explore you in a bed.”
Adoration swept through me as I gazed at her. And a little disbelief that she was mine, that I got to keep her, got to live with her, got to have a life with her. It blew my mind. Changing our direction, I carried her upstairs. As I set her down by our bedroom, I noticed something odd—her old bedroom with Denny was wide open. After I’d shut the door to that room, so very long ago, I hadn’t opened it again. I couldn’t. I’d needed those ghosts to be cut off. Seeing it open now was jarring, and a little painful.
Kiera started pulling me toward that room, like she wanted to show it to me. I didn’t want to see it; I’d seen enough of it for a lifetime. But this was clearly important to her, so I let her lead me. Maybe facing this demon head-on was something we both needed. But then I saw the room, saw what she’d done to the room, and once again, I was blown away.
Everything of Joey’s was gone—the bed, the dresser, the nightstand—everything. And in its place were things that turned the room into a living space, not a bedroom. Kiera’s old futon was folded into a couch, there was a bookcase crammed full of all my notebooks, my old guitar was hanging on the wall…it was like a shrine to my job, a dedicated space for me to work, to create. I’d never once imagined turning this room into something productive. I hadn’t been able to get past the pain, the guilt. I’d been holding onto it so tightly. Letting some of it go sounded really…refreshing.
“Is this for me?” I asked, touched beyond words that she would do something like this for me.
She put her hands on my chest as I twisted to hold her. Nodding, she said, “Yeah, since you don’t need to have a roommate anymore, I thought I would give you a better use for the spare room.” Leaning forward, she kissed my jaw. “It’s all for you, for your art.”
There wasn’t one part of that sentiment that I didn’t absolutely love, and she was right, with her beside me, I would never need a roommate again. Just when I was going to tell her how much I loved it, Kiera frowned, and jerked her thumb over her shoulder. “Except the closet. I needed somewhere to put my clothes.”
I laughed at her comment, then squeezed her tight. “It’s perfect, thank you.” It was such a thoughtful gift…but it reminded me that it wasn’t her turn for gifts. It also reminded me that I hadn’t had time to go shopping before coming home. I really hated being empty-handed on her birthday. Pulling back from her, I frowned. “Wait, it’s your birthday. Shouldn’t I be doing something for you?”
I hoped she wasn’t upset that I didn’t have a present for her, but she only smiled at me. “Well, we missed celebrating your birthday last month, so you can think of this as a belated birthday present.” I was about to object, but she bit her lip and nodded at our bedroom door. “But there is one thing you can do for me.”
She started pulling me toward our room, and the smile on my face was unstoppable. Was she seriously asking for sex as a present? That seemed a little unfair, since it would be just as much a present for me, but I wasn’t about to say no. I would just have to make sure it was the best sex she’d ever had. Slowly raking my eyes over her body, I suggestively said, “Yeah? And that would be…?”
Instead of answering me, she closed the door behind us, then backed me into it and trapped me there with her body. The sensuousness of the movement, the way her curves pressed against me, it instantly ignited me. My breath hitched, and my jaw dropped as desire flooded me. God, she felt so good. She ran her nose along my jaw, sending bolts of electricity through me. I grabbed her hips, pulling her into me. The ache I had for her was already painful. If she kept teasing me, I wasn’t going to be able to give her the best night of her life…or at least, it wouldn’t be a very long night. But damn, I didn’t want her to stop.
I instantly realized, as her tongue flicked my upper lip, as her lips trailed along my jaw, as she lightly licked the inner curve of my ear, that I never should have taught her how to tease. She was entirely too fucking good at it. And while I loved teasing her, being teased was excruciating torture; I felt like I was about to fall apart. And then she whispered something…that just about made me come.
“I put some handcuffs under your pillow…if you want to use them on me.”
She pulled back to look at me, her expression a mixture of innocence and desire, and I had to mentally force my body to calm the fuck down. Jesus. She was so hot. But it was more than just that. What she was offering me was way outside of her comfort zone. I knew that. But she trusted me to give this to her, to make it an experience that she’d look back on fondly, and that warmed me. Her trust meant absolutely everything to me. I would never betray it, and I hoped she knew that.
I was almost overwhelmed by the connection I felt to her. It was so odd to me, how I’d once needed sex to feel this way, but now…just staring at her, just thinking about her was enough. Giving her a soft kiss, I murmured my affection. “I love you, Kiera. Happy birthday.”
She nodded, then her eager mouth found my lips. We undressed each other, our mouths hardly pausing. When we were both bare, Kiera pulled me over to the bed, then darted her hand under the pillow and showed me the aforementioned cuffs. I smiled when I saw they were very cheap novelty cuffs. They clicked closed, but they didn’t lock in any secure way; she’d be able to escape whenever she wanted to. I’d just have to make sure she didn’t want to.
A soft chuckle escaped me as I took them from her. “Are you sure?” I asked.
Her cheeks were flushed, but she bit her lip and nodded. My eyes traveled over her face as I trailed my fingers down her arm; she shivered under my touch. Her lips parted as her eyes stayed locked on mine. Intently staring at her, I slipped one cuff around her wrist, gently closing it. A soft gasp escaped her, and my body surged with need. Damn… Still intently watching her face, I took the other cuff…and closed it around my own wrist.
Her brows bunched as she looked down at what I’d just done. “I’m no expert, but I don’t think this is how it’s supposed to go,” she said, a little breathless.
My grin widened as I studied her. “If you’re going to be locked to anything, I want it to be me.”
She gave me a soft smile, then shook her head as she looped her free arm around my neck. “You’re absolutely ridiculous,” she told me, interlacing the fingers of our locked hands.
I nodded as I bent to find her lips. “I know.”
She laughed as she sat down on the bed. I laughed as I had no choice but to follow her. Our bodies collided, and we stretched out in my bed—in our bed. With one pair of hands locked together, I could only explore her with the other. It was a fun challenge, one that eventually led to her begging me to take her. I kissed her as I pressed inside her, and she moaned in my mouth. Her locked hand jerked away from me, like she wanted to hold me, and I ripped the stupid thing off so she could. Her arms wrapped around me as our pace quickened. Her breath was fast in my ear, and I knew she was close. Then I felt her stiffen, and her fingers raked down my back. Fuck, I loved that. I was coming a second after her, groaning as the waves of bliss washed over me.
