Painful, page 16
Chapter 10
THE FINAL DAYS
It was late when I woke up, later than usual. Guess I’d been tired after my last few busy days of either spending time with Kiera or preparing for my departure from her. I had to admit though, the preparations were going really well. All my notes were done, I just needed to start planting them. And I’d decided, after having that near-embarrassing conversation with Jenny and Rachel, that I was going to say something to Anna and Kate—the more people keeping Kiera busy, the better. I also needed to give someone the steamy letter that I had for Kiera…either Jenny or Kate, since they were going to be working late with Kiera on the night we left. Maybe Kate, since Jenny was going to be dealing with her own stuff; she was going to miss Evan when he left, maybe not as desperately as I was going to be missing Kiera, but still.
Kate would probably end up reading the letter before she gave it to Kiera though, but whatever, I didn’t really care. All I cared was that the note got to Kiera exactly at midnight. I wanted to be mentally reading the note with her, like I was saying it to her, even though we would be miles apart by then. God, I hated that thought.
Needing her comfort, I instinctively searched for Kiera in my bed, but she wasn’t there. That’s right…I slept alone last night. Kiera was waiting for me at her apartment. I should get my lazy ass up so I could take her to school.
Yawning, I flung the covers off me and got up. Weirdly, I was completely dressed. Huh. Well, guess that means I can get to Kiera’s even faster. With a smile on my face, I opened the door…and that was when all the blood drained from my body. The shower was on in my bathroom, but even over the noise of the water, I could hear the sound of people screwing. I’ve heard this before. I’ve done this before.
Bile rose up my throat, and I knew I was about to lose it. Kiera was in my bathroom…having sex with Denny. He was touching her, kissing her…inside of her. Jesus, I didn’t want to live through this moment again. I couldn’t. I squeezed my eyes shut. You’re dreaming, Kellan. Wake the fuck up.
“Interesting moment you decided to replay.”
Dread washed through me, momentarily obliviating the nausea. I opened my eyes to see my father standing in front of Denny and Kiera’s door, staring at me. Fuck, no…I couldn’t handle this. One of my worst memories and my dad? Please wake up.
But I didn’t. Instead, the noises in the bathroom got louder, much louder than they’d been in real life. I felt like I was in the room with them. My dad smiled as revulsion flooded my stomach. “I don’t want to do this again…” I murmured, acid crawling its way up my throat.
Dad tilted his head. “No? What about this instead?” He snapped his fingers and the walls around us…dissolved. I was grateful, until the world reformed into something that was almost worse. Dad and I were in the parking lot…the parking lot, and Denny was there, screaming at me. “I trusted you! You said you were my brother!”
Denny started hitting me, the blows coming over and over, hard and fast, and all I could do was stand there and take it as pain exploded over me in an endless loop of torture. Feeling broken everywhere, I finally fell to my knees, gasping, and then all of a sudden, Denny wasn’t there anymore. No, instead of Denny, it was my father staring down at me. I wanted to fight back, I wanted to do something, but like I was a kid again, I was frozen in place, terrified.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered. I wasn’t even sure what I was sorry for, but I knew that was all my dad would want to hear.
He looked down at me with a sneer on his face. “I can’t believe how stupid you are. Leaving her here so you can go off and…what…be a rock star?” He said it with a haughty laugh, and I suddenly felt like all my dreams were a foolish waste of time. “You know you’re going to lose her, right? The minute you leave, the very second you stop screwing her…she’s going to realize she doesn’t need you.”
Even though he hadn’t touched me yet, I felt like he’d just kicked me full force in the gut. All the air left me; I felt sick. I leaned forward to throw up, but there was nothing but pain in my stomach. Dad smiled, satisfied by my reaction. “The only reason you got her in the first place was because you were always around, following her everywhere like some pathetic, broken puppy dog. The minute you’re not here, she’s going to see just how worthless you really are. She’s going to want a real man once she’s free of you…and you know that.”
Jesus Christ. How could he cause me so much pain without even touching me? Quit telling me my own fears—I already know them. But no, that was all it was…fear. It wasn’t reality. Kiera and I…we loved each other…we were going to make it, have a life together. A good one. I defiantly shook my head as I kneeled on the ground before him. “No, she loves me,” I bit out.
Dad only smirked at my bravado. “Yeah, my wife loved me once too.” And then he kneed me in the jaw.
I woke up with a start, my chest heaving, my body covered in a light sheen of sweat, my tousled sheets tight and constricting. I looked around my room, searching for my dad…searching for Kiera, but I was alone. Completely alone. Closing my eyes, I tried to calm my breaths, tried to control my emotions. What the fuck…? Why couldn’t I keep him out of my head? Why did all of my worries have to shift into absolute terror while I was sleeping? It really made me never want to sleep again.
Stumbling out of bed, I groggily looked at my clock. Much like in my dream, it actually was getting late, and I really did need to pick up Kiera soon…but I couldn’t like this. I didn’t want her to see me so…broken. I needed to put my game face back on.
Deciding a nice long shower would distract me, I headed to the bathroom. The freshness of my dream stopped me cold as I stared at the cracked bathroom door. Denny and Kiera… My gaze shifted to their old bedroom door—a door I never opened anymore. Don’t go there. Let it go, or you’ll never move forward. Inhaling a deep breath, I stepped into the bathroom and faced my demons. Again.
The steaming water pouring over my body relaxed me. I didn’t need to worry so much. Evan was right, Jenny was right…everything was going to be fine. I was going on tour with my friends. It was going to be fun. It was going to be great. Dad was wrong. When I got back from touring, Kiera and I were going to be better than ever. Stronger. Because this separation was going to test us in a way we’d never really been tested before, and we were going to pass that test. We’d been through too much for this to not work out.
Those words washing over me calmed me, brightened me, and my dream finally faded from my memory…I could barely even remember the details anymore.
I felt bright and peppy when I knocked on Kiera’s apartment door a little later. I felt even better when I saw her face. God, she was gorgeous. How could she not see what I saw? The sensualness, the perfection…every time I looked at her, she took my breath away.
“Mornin’,” I told her, stepping into her home. I was immediately wrapped in the smell of her, it was like a physical thing cocooning me, comforting me. I was really going to miss that.
Not wasting any of our precious time, I pulled her into me and began tasting her neck. I was going to miss this too. “Good morning, yourself,” she quietly laughed, closing her door.
Loving all of this—our perfect daily routine—made me sigh with longing. Why can’t I freeze time? Stay in this moment forever? “I’m going to miss taking you to school every day.” Just the thought made another wistful sound escape me. I was going to miss almost all of the rest of her time there. “You’ll nearly be graduating by the time I’m back.”
Kiera gave me a reassuring smile as she began stroking my cheek. “At least you’ll be back in time for the ceremony. You can watch me walk down the aisle.”
There were so many things about that sentence that I loved: the thought of returning to her, the thought of her being there waiting for me, the thought of her walking down an aisle…the aisle. Maybe. One day. That blissful vision filling my head, I confessed my future want, my future hope. “I’d love to watch you walk down the aisle.”
Her mouth popped open, like she wasn’t entirely sure what I’d meant by that, and I instantly regretted saying it. I didn’t want to push her, didn’t want to freak her out by moving too fast. And besides, she’d figure out exactly what I meant—what I wanted—on the day she found my letter. God, that letter…I should burn it when I get home.
Before Kiera could comment on my innuendo, maybe spoiling my fantasy by reminding me that we weren’t there yet—or just flat-out telling me no, she’d never consider marrying me—I looked over at something I’d noticed when I’d first walked in. A gift bag was sitting on her rickety card table. The perfect distraction.
Genuinely curious, I looked back at her. “What’s that?”
She giggled as she let go of me. “It’s for you. Sort of a going-away present.”
While her thoughtfulness was sweet, I didn’t need anything from her. I just needed her. And honestly, having people buy things for me was sort of…weird. It was something I’d never really gotten used to over the years. “I know money is tight for you. You didn’t have to get me anything.”
She wasn’t in the same boat as me, financially speaking, and she didn’t need to waste her money, not on me. She should save it for something…important. Like Kiera sensed my reluctance, she shoved me toward the table. “I got a good deal. It didn’t cost me much and it’s sort of a present for the both of us.”
Thinking of multiple things that we could use together instantly cheered me up, and I couldn’t hold back my devious grin. “Is it handcuffs?” I asked her. Because I still couldn’t resist teasing her, I added, “Did you get the furry kind? Because those feel really nice against your—”
She didn’t even let me finish. Smacking my back, she blurted out, “No!” and physically turned my head away from her, like that would stop me from knowing she was turning bright red. I couldn’t help but laugh as I picked up the present. God, I was going to miss making her turn that intoxicating shade of embarrassed. So cute.
I was still amused by her reaction as I pulled the tissues out of the bag. When I saw a cell phone resting on the bottom of the bag, I pulled it out and looked back at her. “What’s this?” I’d been expecting something a little more…sensuous, I guess. Not handcuffs, for sure, but maybe something a little naughty. Plus, a cell phone? Matt had been trying to get me to own one for years, insisting that he should be able to get ahold of me any time he wanted…which was probably why I’d resisted so much. I just didn’t see the point. I got along fine with the phone in my kitchen.
Kiera laughed at my comment, then she said something that sounded just like my bandmates. “Well, I know you’re a little behind on the times, but they call that a cell phone. It works just like your corded one, but you can walk around with it. You can even use it outside,” she said, merriment in her eyes.
Smartass. It was entirely possible she was spending too much time around the guys. “I know what it is. What’s it for?” Did she want me to be Matt’s bitch?
A beautiful grin on her face, she walked over to her jacket and pulled out a matching phone…and that was when the true opportunity she was presenting me flashed into my head. I kind of felt dumb for not seeing it instantly. True, Matt bugging me twenty-four-seven sounded like hell on Earth, but Kiera having unlimited access to me…that would almost be like having her with me everywhere I went. And if she had one too…I could talk to her whenever I wanted, and that made all of this seem almost bearable.
Kiera confirmed what I was thinking by saying, “It’s so we can keep in touch while you’re gone. So you can always get ahold of me, and I can get ahold of you.” She shrugged, and her voice was full of emotion when she spoke again. “So, we can try to stay close…even though we’ll be really far apart.”
So many emotions tumbled over me so fast, I could barely sort through them all—pain, hope, love, desolation, joy. Seeing similar emotions shimmer in Kiera’s eyes made me have to swallow through the discomfort of my throat clenching. I don’t want to be far apart from you. Finally, after what felt like an eternity of struggling, I nodded and told her, “I love it, thank you.”
I kissed her then, softly, sweetly, trying to hold our connection while at the same time, trying to break the agony that sometimes came along with it. And as our mouths moved together, her skin igniting me, her scent making me delirious, the pain did shift…right into desire. Did we have time for me to thank her properly? To show her just what this future connection meant to me?
Pulling back, I stared at her mouth, warm, luscious, inviting, and I contemplated it. I could take her to her room right now, make her feel nothing but bliss for hours…but fuck, I couldn’t. She had responsibilities she needed to take care of, and I had some things to take care of too. Later. Definitely.
I snapped my eyes up to hers. I could see heat in them, like she’d been sharing my contemplation. That made it really hard to commit to taking her to class. Being an adult sucked sometimes.
Throwing on a smile, I decided to say something playful, something that I knew would get us moving in the right direction. Well, the responsible direction at any rate. “Can I sext you on it?” Even though I was joking, just saying it made a bunch of brand-new possibilities float through my brain. Oh yeah. No matter what her answer is, this is definitely happening. Matt was right. I should have gotten a cell phone years ago.
Kiera was appropriately mortified by my question. She didn’t even answer me, just started grabbing her stuff. As I tucked my new Kiera torturing device into my jacket pocket, I heard Anna’s bedroom door open. I opened my mouth to say hi to Anna…but she wasn’t the person who walked out.
Griffin stepped into the hallway, and he was completely fucking naked. Damn it. I saw all of my bassist way too often. Griffin yawned as he stared at me. “Dude, what are you doing here so early?”
Even though his lack of clothes was annoying, his comment amused me. Griffin really hated being woken up before noon. At least he hadn’t woken up swearing this time. “It’s ten thirty, Griffin.”
“I know, man, it’s fucking earlier than shit,” he complained.
Oops. Guess I spoke too soon about the swearing. Looking down at Kiera, I rolled my eyes at what my bandmate considered ‘earlier than shit.’ Kiera barely held my gaze; she was doing everything in her power to make sure she didn’t take in even an inch of Griffin’s bare skin. Her discomfort with his nakedness was adorable, but…I really should put an end to this. Especially since I could hear Griffin starting to move our way.
I was about to tell him to go put some fucking clothes on, when he interrupted my thoughts by saying, “Hey, Matt wanted me to tell you that if you miss another rehearsal, he’s tossing you from the band.”
Looking back up at Griffin, I raised an eyebrow. “Really?” Toss me from the band? That was a new threat. Guess I’d finally pushed Matt to the breaking point with my multiple absences. I wasn’t worried in the slightest about Matt actually evicting me—not for a handful of rehearsals—but I supposed it was time to start putting in more of an effort.
Lightly laughing, still amused by the idea of Matt kicking me out, I shook my head. “Tell him I’ll be there.” I looked back down at Kiera, absorbing her absorbing me. Warmth filled me as I remembered our many carefree afternoons together. Those memories were worth the harassment. “I guess my head has been other places lately,” I murmured.
Griff took that in the dirtiest way possible. Close enough now to shove my shoulder back, he said, “Well, zip your head back in your pants and get back in the game. We need you on board.”
Damn. Griffin scolding me for being flakey—and meaning it this time—was eye opening. I guess I really did need to start being a professional again. We did have a new song that we were trying to get just right so we could include it on the tour after all. I supposed that was important. Kiera was still handling her responsibilities, going to school…most days, and I wanted her to keep doing that, which meant, I shouldn’t be shirking my responsibilities to the band. Kiera wasn’t the only important thing in my life, and she wasn’t the only person counting on me either. I needed to remember that.
With a heavy sigh, I told him, “I’m on board, Griff. I’ll be there, okay?” For real this time.
He gave me a sniff, his face actually looking annoyed. “You better.”
He turned to leave, but I couldn’t let him go without a tiny reprimand. Yes, he was right about my lack of dedication lately, but that didn’t give him a free pass to be a nudist in Kiera’s apartment. I really didn’t care if it was half Anna’s place too, that shit needed to stop. Knowing Kiera was going to hate me for calling attention to her while Griffin was naked, I gently said, “Hey, Griff? You mind not walking around my girlfriend’s place buck naked? I’d really prefer her only staring at my junk, if you don’t mind.”
Griffin being Griffin, he, of course, immediately started fondling himself. With a smirk, he said, “Dude, if she’s peeking at another man’s schlong, then that’s between the two of you. The Hulk needs to breathe.”
The Hulk? Oh God…no, he did not just say that. I was gonna lose it. Kiera did. She had to slap her hand over her mouth to stop the giggles. Griffin glared at both of us, then retreated back to Anna’s room.
We had a pretty good laugh about that once Griffin was out of sight. Then, in the parking lot, Kiera asked me what my nickname was. I’d never named a body part, but not wanting to miss an opportunity to make her face change color, I spouted something ridiculous and dirty to her—The Oh-God-Yes-Harder-Faster-Don’t-You-Dare-Stop-Yes-Fuck-Me-Now-You’re-Freaking-Amazing Machine. Her reaction was priceless—the perfect mix of annoyance, amusement, and embarrassment.
The levity was much needed, and I was smiling the entire time I took her to class.
After dropping Kiera off, I sat in my car in the parking lot and pulled out my new cell phone. Might as well start learning how to use it. Browsing through the contacts, I saw that Kiera had already programmed some numbers into it for me. I wasn’t sure if that was out of thoughtfulness, or if she was just sure I wouldn’t bother doing it on my own. Either way, it amused me.
