Painful, page 49
She shoved me away from her with all her might, catching me off guard again. My hand slipped from the doorknob as I stumbled back, and she instantly shifted over to block it. Fists clenched, fury in her eyes, she shook her head. “I…am…not…sleeping with Denny! And, yes, you—”
I was so sick of hearing her deny it. I saw, Kiera. I saw! Not letting her finish her lies, I reached down, grabbed her waist, pulled her into me, away from the door, then lifted her up and physically removed her from my exit. Once she was clear of my escape, I finally again cracked open the door. She instantly grabbed one of my arms with both hands and tugged, stopping me. Goddamn it, just let me leave.
Barely able to keep restraining myself, I snapped my eyes to hers. “Let me go, Kiera. I’m done. I don’t want to be here anymore.” I can’t look at you anymore.
Heavy tears in her eyes, she spat out, “You weren’t done with me ten minutes ago, when you were screwing my brains out!”
I felt like she’d struck me again, and I flinched as pain ripped through me. How could she let me do that? How could she ask for that? Beg for that? How could she kill me like that? Why was she still acting so fucking innocent? “That…was a mistake.” All of this was a mistake. Fuck. My entire fucking life was a mistake. Why did I expect this to be any different? How could she do this to me?
She swallowed several times before speaking. I needed to leave. I could feel the anger shifting to despair. I didn’t want to feel despair. “You said you believed me,” she finally whispered.
Right. Because I did believe you, Kiera. You fooled me. You genuinely fooled me. I could feel the tears burning my eyes, I sniffed them back as I shook my head. “And you said you wouldn’t lie to me. Goodbye, Kiera.”
Her mouth dropped open, and her fingers released my arm, freeing me. Tears fell from her eyes onto her cheeks, and the despair inside me cracked wide open. Agony flashed through my body, mixing with the anger…the hopelessness. I don’t want this. All I ever wanted was you.
“You said there weren’t any goodbyes between us…” she murmured, looking stunned.
How could she still be stunned? How could she cheat on me? How could she ruin us? My eyes closed as my head dropped. All my dreams were gone, all the things I’d stupidly let myself want were over. What was the point now? True, there weren’t supposed to be any goodbyes between us. Because we were supposed to be forever. She was supposed to be my wife. She was supposed to have my child. Not his.
As I lifted my head to face her one final time, a tear rolled down my cheek; I felt the burn of it, like acid, all the way through my soul. “I said a lot of things that weren’t true…” I told myself you loved me. I told myself you’d be faithful to me. I told myself we’d be together forever. I was so wrong.
Her breath became frantic, like she was hyperventilating. “Are you breaking up with me?” she whispered.
Her question tore me apart. No…you broke up with me, the instant you fucked him. This…this is just a formality. Another tear fell from me as I searched her face, looking for a way out of this hell. But there wasn’t one. She was having his baby. She’d slammed the door on us, and I still didn’t know why she wouldn’t tell me. Don’t I deserve the truth? It killed me that she wouldn’t be honest with me right now. How could I be so wrong about her? It seemed so…hard to believe. So unlike her. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she…
My eyes drifted down her body to her stomach. Her flat, perfect stomach. The pregnancy tests swam in my vision, choking me with the hard, painful truth. No. I wasn’t wrong. She just didn’t want to admit she’d failed me. Well, she didn’t have to admit it for it to be true. We were over. There was no saving us now.
I lifted my eyes to hers, took a deep, calming breath…and then ripped my own heart out. “Yes, I am.” I could barely speak the words, and after I did, I knew I couldn’t say anything else.
Kiera started sobbing as she stared at me, still looking absolutely shocked. I couldn’t take it, couldn’t handle witnessing her pain. Not when this was all her fault. I didn’t break us…you did. Don’t cry for me now…now that it’s too late. Turning from her, I fled. I didn’t stop moving until I was in my car, didn’t let myself think or feel until I’d started my car. It wasn’t until I was pulling onto the street that it hit me. And when it did, it was like getting smacked with a wrecking ball—there was nothing of me left.
I managed to pull my car to the curb, managed to put it in park. And then I let out all the anger and pain I’d been holding onto. I yelled until my throat ached, sobbed until my eyes were dry, slammed the steering wheel so hard I nearly broke it. Tossing open the door, I started pacing the street. My hands were in my hair, yanking. My breaths were fast, my heart was pounding…and my stomach was rising. How could she do this to me? How the fuck could she do this to me? She’s having his baby.
Knowing I was about to lose it, I stumbled to the sidewalk, sank to my knees, and let myself throw up the bile in my empty stomach on a nearby berm. She’s pregnant. She’s fucking pregnant. Jesus…I can’t do this. I can’t deal with this. Haven’t I suffered enough for one lifetime? Why did the universe hate me so fucking much? Why was I so fucking unlovable?
Wiping my mouth, I sat back on my heels. What do I do now? How the fuck do I keep going? Where do I go?
Home. It was the only place I could think of.
Pushing myself to my feet, I forced myself back into the car…and tried to ignore the fact that it smelled like her. Goddamn it. Everything was going to remind me of her again, and this time it was going to hurt so much more, because this time…I had too much history to pull from. We’d had a year of being together, and it had been really fucking good. Or at least…I’d thought so. I guess she didn’t agree. I guess she needed more. Why was I never enough for her?
Lying my head back, I tried to take some deep, calming breaths. I needed to redirect my thoughts, focus on something besides the utter agony of losing her. And that was when I found it…my armor. My head snapped up as I wrapped myself in emotions I was extremely comfortable with: anger, hate, rage. That fucking, betraying bitch. I was better off without her.
Holding tight to the fury, I sped home. The growl of my car matched my mood, and I was reluctant to shut off the engine when I got to my driveway. I would hang out here for a few hours, then go to the airport and rejoin the guys…and never come back to this fucking city again. The guys and I would go to L.A. to record the album, and I would just fucking stay there. I’d stay in L.A., I’d focus on work, and I’d forget all about that two-timing bitch. You can have her, Denny. Fuck. You lied to me too…you deserve each other.
Shutting off the car, I ripped my keys out of the ignition. I’d have to have someone bring my car to me. Hire someone. Or maybe Evan would do it for me. Whatever. It didn’t fucking matter how, as long as she got to me. My car, my baby…the only “girl” I could count on.
I stroked the steering wheel, silently apologizing for beating the shit out of her again, then I opened the door and got out. My house seemed to mock me as I stepped up to it, and I could almost see my dad in the doorway, smirking at me. “Told you it wouldn’t last.” I opened my mouth to tell him to fuck off, then shut it. He wasn’t actually here. I didn’t need to add insanity to my list of problems.
Unlocking my front door, I debated torching the place when I left. That sounded really cathartic. And hazardous for my too-close neighbors. I’d sell it instead…then torch the money. That would work too. Fuck all of you.
I slammed my door once I was inside, then debated doing it again. I wanted to hit something, release the rage inside me, but I knew releasing it would let all the other feelings slip inside, and I didn’t want to feel them. I had to let this anger simmer, fester, boil. I didn’t think I could even drink this away, but I headed to the kitchen anyway. I paced in front of my fridge, flicking glances at the cupboard that held my alcohol. I could drown myself into oblivion, or I could accidentally dull my armor and allow myself to slip into despair. It could go either way, and that fear kept me from trying. All I wanted to feel was hate.
Going back to the entryway, I tossed my keys on the half-moon table and hung up my jacket. I stared at my jacket pocket, at my phone resting inside it. Maybe I should call someone. Evan? He was too far away to help me. Jenny? She was too close to Kiera—I’d just end up yelling at her, and she didn’t deserve that. Denny? Denny I wouldn’t mind yelling at. Why the fuck didn’t he just tell me? Why the fuck didn’t he ever mention he was back? I really thought… I know I screwed him over, and he had every right to treat me like shit, but I really thought he was a better person than this. I thought he was better than me. Guess not.
Twisting away from my phone, I ran my hands through my hair. I needed to do something; I just had no idea what. I should leave. I should change my flight and go back now. So I could be pissed on the airplane? Assuming I could even get a flight this late? No, I was fucking stuck here, in this fucking hell, until the world fucking opened up again. Why did I even come home?
And that was when there was a soft knock on my door. Who the actual fuck was here at this hour? Stepping over to the door, I cracked it open…and was met with Kiera’s fucking face. Goddamn it. She could never just leave me alone. What more do you want from me? I already gave you absolutely everything. Rolling my eyes, I slammed the door in her face. I’m not playing by your rules anymore. This is my house, and you’re no longer welcome.
As I walked away from the door, I instantly realized I should have locked it. Kiera stepped inside, slamming the door behind her. I flinched at the unexpected sound, then turned to face her. Bitch. You have no right to be here. None.
I ran my hand through my hair with an annoyed sigh. “I’m not doing this, Kiera. I’m not having this conversation again…we’re over.” I was so pissed those words didn’t even faze me anymore. Almost.
Holding onto the heat in my stomach, I turned away from her. She grabbed my arm. “No, we’re not, Kellan! Not until you tell me the truth.”
Truth? Everything about that word set me off. “You first!” I snapped, turning to face her.
With a sigh, she released my arm and tossed her hands into the air. “I did! I told you the truth about Denny. Nothing happened! Goddamn it, why don’t you believe that anymore? Or did you ever really believe me? Was that a lie just to have sex with me one last time?”
Shock and disgust flooded through me. She actually thought I would do that? “You think I knew that I was going to break up with you before I slept with you? You think I’d even touch you if I knew what I know now!” My eyes flashed to her stomach as rage boiled inside me. How the fuck could she accuse me of that after what she did?
Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment…or anger. “And what the hell do you think you know!”
I backed away from her, disbelieving her absolute refusal to tell me her real secret. “You still can’t be honest, can you?” Fine. Then I’ll be honest for you…bitch. “I saw, Kiera. I saw the tests…the positive tests.” Hurt tried to find a way through my cracks; I forced it down as I took a step toward her. “You shoved them in my drawer, with my clothes, just so I’d find them! Did you really think I’d stick around once I did?”
Her jaw dropped and her face paled. Yeah…got you. Tests don’t lie…just you. She took a step back. “What are you talking about?” she asked.
Oh my fucking God. Still? Still, she was going to refuse to admit that she… “I know you’re fucking pregnant, Kiera, so stop acting like you’re fucking innocent!”
She stared at me, stunned silent for a second, then she had the nerve to start shaking her head. Defiant to the very fucking end. I didn’t let her speak. “Don’t even try to deny it now. Not now, now that you know I know. Admit it, Kiera. Admit the truth…for once in your life.”
It had taken her so long to be honest with me, to admit she loved me, and now…now I wasn’t sure if that was even true. If she loved me, how could she do this to me? She lied about Denny being in town, and she was lying about this too. She’d fucked him…and now I was fucked. The cracks in my armor started widening, allowing more and more acidic pain to seep inside, and I felt my expression shift from rage to grief. Holding onto the anger was getting harder and harder the longer she stayed here, tormenting me.
Kiera helped restoke the angry flame though. She shook her head, still fucking denying it. “Kellan, no, Denny and I didn’t—”
Her hands reached out for me, like she wanted to fucking hold me, and I shoved her away. She didn’t get to touch me anymore. Not after letting him… Not after repeatedly denying the truth. Whatever lie she thought she was going to sell me right now, it wouldn’t work. Because I’d already caught her in a lie tonight. She knew it, I knew it. And she couldn’t deny that one…because I’d been there when he had left her apartment earlier.
“Don’t, Kiera. Don’t give me another half-truth. You lied about Denny being here!” She started shaking her head, and I spat out, “No, Kiera, a lie of omission is still a lie!” Leaning forward, I whispered, “You should know that better than anyone.” Our lie, our secret…most of the time, especially in the beginning, it hadn’t been a straight-up, bold-faced denial to Denny, to our friends. We’d simply…never mentioned it.
Her face fell. She looked completely defeated, but still, she tried to lie. “I’ve only been with you…”
Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable. “Until today, we haven’t had sex since December…” My eyes purposely lowered to her stomach—the proof of her deception. “And I intimately know that you’re not showing yet, so you’re not four or five months along.” My eyes snapped up to hers, the hate inside me re-hardening my shell. “I’m not stupid, Kiera…I know the kid isn’t mine.” Just stop lying. Please…just fucking stop.
After a rough swallow, she opened her mouth. Anticipating another denial, my rage steamrolled right over her. I got in her face, and let the hatred spill out of me in an unexpected way. “If you’re still going to try denying that you slept with Denny, then go ahead, Kiera…tell me the only thing you can. Tell me you were raped. I dare you.”
I almost couldn’t believe I said it, and a part of me wanted to take it back, but…fuck…when was she going to be fucking honest with me? And really, if she was still going to deny the truth, then what else could she say to explain being pregnant? An odd sense of understanding flashed through me then. Was this how my father felt when he’d confronted my mother? His unrelenting hatred toward me was not something I could ever forgive him for, but with how I felt right now, now that I was in his shoes…I almost felt sympathy for him. Almost.
I never in a million years thought Kiera would have something in common with my mother. That she would do to me what Mom had done to Dad. It sickened me. I can’t handle this.
Kiera’s jaw dropped as I unflinchingly stared at her. I saw the anger building in her eyes, and from her expression, I knew what she was going to do. I did nothing to stop her, did nothing to defend myself. I welcomed the pain. Go ahead…hit me. You’ll only prove how like them you are. Her hand started moving toward my face, but then…she stopped herself. Her fingers dropped from the air. In defeat. Because she was lying about Denny, and we both knew it.
My lips twitched into a smirk. That was the closest to an admission that I was going to get from her, and I would take it. Shaking my head, I told her, “You can leave now.”
Tears burned in her eyes again. “You’re so wrong…”
Not wanting to watch her pain again, not wanting to hear her lies again, I turned around and walked away from her. Even still, I couldn’t help but toss out a sarcastic, “Am I?”
The bitch started following me, and I cursed myself for antagonizing her. I should have left it alone. “Yes, you are completely off on this one,” she snipped. “I didn’t sleep with Denny. I didn’t sleep with anyone. I’m not the one who—”
She stopped talking when she heard an annoying, frustrating, ill-timed chirp coming from my jacket pocket—from the phone in my jacket pocket. Her eyes narrowed in anger at me, then she dashed for the phone.
Our conversation dropped from my mind the second I realized what she was going to do. Jesus fucking Christ…no. If she responded to him, if she engaged him, he’d never fucking leave me alone. I couldn’t handle that future. I could barely handle the present. “Kiera, no!” I’d never felt more desperate as I yelled at her.
She didn’t care though, and she didn’t stop. She grabbed the phone out of my pocket and was reading the message before I could get near her. Hearing her say Gavin’s words out loud hit me like a two-by-four to the stomach. “Call me. I need to see you.”
Her voice seethed with anger, but I was too shocked, stunned, and sickened to say anything. Call me…I need to see you. I’d done so much to never see his words, to never let my eyes read his messages, and here she was, ruining all of that, ripping down my walls like she’d ripped apart my heart. Goddamn it. Why the fuck was she being so cruel? She was right. I was wrong…about her.
Hoping beyond hope that she’d stop hurting me, that she wouldn’t fucking respond to him, I held out my hand for the phone; my fingers were shaking. “Please, give it back, Kiera.” Please. This isn’t about us.
Her fingers clenched around the phone, and she held it tight to her body. Face red with anger, she shook her head. “No, no, I think I’ll text the hussy back.”
Fuck…no. She looked down and started typing something, and my body reacted out of pure, fear-based, survival-mode instinct. Rushing over to her, I simultaneously grabbed the phone with one hand and shoved her with the other. I ended up pushing her into the coat hooks along the wall, and her face flashed with pain. I hadn’t meant to hurt her, and a stab of guilt went through me. It was quickly replaced by a tidal wave of relief. She hadn’t completed the message. Gavin wouldn’t get his hopes up. And maybe one day he’d actually leave me the fuck alone.
