Painful, page 11
While I studied the road, I tried to place the name with a face. Clearly, Kiera expected me to know this person. “Candy…?” Kiera sighed at the exact same moment I remembered who Candy was. “Oh, right. Candy.” The eager, slightly possessive redhead I’d taken to my bed, just to get a rise out of Kiera. That seemed like a lifetime ago. “What did she say?” I asked, a little scared to hear the answer. Candy wasn’t spiteful enough to go into details with her…was she?
Kiera glared at me, heat in her eyes. Her hands tightened, like she was stopping herself from hitting me. Shit. She must have told her…everything. But Kiera’s response wasn’t what I’d been expecting her to say. “She just mentioned a show that you had last week. You played in Pioneer Square, right?”
A show? That seemed…anticlimactic. Why was she mad about that? Looking up, I thought over my schedule last week. “Yeah, yeah we did.” I flicked a glance at her. “Was she there? She didn’t say hello.” I swear I haven’t seen her in ages…if that’s what you’re mad about.
Her eyes narrowed at me in suspicion. “No, a friend of hers saw you there…in the back.”
Now I was really confused. By her tone of voice, it was clear that what she’d said was horrible…I just had no idea why. Shrugging, I said, “Huh, well, okay.” I raised an eyebrow as I peeked at her. “Why is one of her friends seeing me making you look like you sucked on a lemon?”
I knew I shouldn’t have said that the minute it was out of my mouth, but the mystery of why she was angry was starting to annoy me. The next thing she said clarified everything though. Voice tight, she told me, “Because she said she saw you doing things…with someone who was not me.”
My eyes widened as icy understanding filled me. Oh God, she thought I’d cheated on her. No, it was worse than that. She thought she had a witness who’d seen me cheating on her. But that was impossible because I hadn’t. I wouldn’t. Just the thought of being with someone else made me sick. Knowing I couldn’t convince her I was faithful while I was driving, I jerked the car over to the curb. Slamming it into park, I turned to face her.
Her eyes started filling with pain as I stared at her. It cracked my heart to see the doubt on her face, but at the same time, I didn’t blame her for her fears. Wasn’t I a wreck, just this morning? “I am not doing anything with anyone who is not you. Whatever she said was a lie, Kiera.”
A tear swelled in her eye and rolled down her cheek. “She knew about the tattoo, Kellan.”
Fuck. That was what had sold her on the lie. The tattoo was something not many people knew about, and the ones who did know, wouldn’t go spreading that knowledge around to random fans. It was private. So private, that I rarely took my shirt off at shows anymore. In fact, I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d done that. It was probably pre-tattoo.
Cupping her cheek, I brushed off the tear. “Then she saw it somewhere else, or someone told her about it, because I’m not fooling around with anyone.” Unbuckling my seatbelt, I scooted closer to her, resting my head against hers. “I’m only fooling around with you. I’m only getting naked with you. I’m only having sex with you, Kiera.” I pulled back to look her in the eye, praying she believed me. Pouring my soul into my words, I reflected her earlier sentiment back to her, “I chose you. I love you. I’m not interested in anyone else, okay?” You’re choosing me, and I’m choosing you. We’re in this together, 100 percent.
She nodded, but more tears rolled down her cheek. I hated this, hated the uncertainty that one stupid girl had shoved between us. Wanting to physically reassure her, I leaned forward and gave her a gentle kiss. Kiera seemed to relax under my tender administrations, and I hoped her doubt was dissolving. She had my heart, every piece of it—surely she knew that.
As our kiss intensified, I felt more confident that she was releasing her fears. Especially when she whispered in my ear, “Show me that you want me, Kellan. Take me home.”
She didn’t need to ask twice. Putting the car in drive, I had us flying down the road mere seconds later. When we got to her empty apartment, we didn’t waste any time getting to her room and getting undressed. It was almost like Kiera needed to be reminded just how much she meant to me. Candy must have really gotten to her. I hated that she had, hated that Kiera would ever doubt my loyalty. But…the way we’d come together…it wasn’t all that shocking. I had similar fears at times.
Afterwards, when I had ravished her with as much physical attention as I possibly could, Kiera got ready for work. She seemed better, completely at peace again, but the image of her pain-filled eyes wouldn’t leave me. Would we ever truly get past what we’d done to each other? Or would there always be tender scars, waiting to rip open at a moment’s notice?
Considering the multiple scars I carried on a daily basis, I was pretty sure I already knew the answer to that question.
When it was time, I drove Kiera to Pete’s. Kate was working tonight and greeted us at the door. “Hi, guys!”
Kiera greeted her coworker, then started pulling away from me, like she was leaving me. At the last possible second, I grabbed her waist, pulling her back to my side. “I’ll have my usual,” I murmured in her ear.
She shuddered under my touch but gave me an annoyed look. “I know what you like, Kellan.”
Our recent lovemaking flashed through my mind, and I couldn’t contain my smile. Wishing we had time to explore each other again, I slipped my hand into her back pocket. “Yes…you certainly do.”
She flushed with color when she realized how suggestive her comment was. Then she pushed me away. “You’re so adorable,” I said, after kissing her cheek. “Have I mentioned how much that turns me on?”
With a laugh, she responded, “What doesn’t, Kellan?” That was certainly true. With Kiera, at least. Everything about her ignited my blood, my soul.
Knowing Kiera needed to get ready for work, I shrugged at her question, then headed to my usual table near the stage. A group of girls from a nearby table watched me sit down, but they didn’t seem inclined to try and join me. I was grateful that they were content watching from a distance. Kiera seemed much happier now than when I’d picked her up from school, but I had to believe she was still a little uneasy. I didn’t want her to have to deal with forward woman fawning over me right now. Not after Candy’s…accusation.
When Kiera came back from putting away her stuff in the back room, she unwrapped a lollipop and stuck it in her mouth. Seeing her lips wrapped around the sucker put all sorts of wonderful images in my head, and I had to adjust how I was sitting. My eyes never left her as she grabbed my beer from Rita and started heading my way.
She pulled the sucker out of her mouth when she got close to me. Handing me my beer, she said, “Here you go. Your usual.”
Giving her a seductive smile, I grabbed the beer with one hand, her hand holding the sucker with the other. Keeping my eyes firmly on Kiera, I brought the sucker to my lips, then closed my mouth around it. The apple flavor was pretty tasty, but it was the look on Kiera’s face that I was savoring. Her lips were parted, and she was breathing just slightly heavier. I was sure she was getting turned on watching me…the girls at the nearby table sure seemed to be. A couple low groans drifted my way as I pulled the sucker out of my mouth.
Kiera’s eyes darted to my lips, and she looked like she desperately wanted to taste the apple on my tongue. She didn’t though. Surprising me, she pushed me back and said, “Ew, Kellan. That’s mine.”
Her objection was extremely amusing. Especially since I knew it was complete crap. There was no place on her body where my lips wouldn’t be welcome. Calling her out, I said, “What? I can put my mouth on your—”
Her hand instantly covered my mouth, and she looked over at the table of eavesdropping girls like she actually cared what they thought about our relationship. “Kellan!” she hissed, embarrassed.
Removing her hand from my lips, I finished my question. Leaving out the crucial part she didn’t want me to say, of course. “But I can’t enjoy your sucker?”
An amused smile slipped onto her lips as she shook her head at me. To further accentuate my point, and hopefully get her to relinquish her treat, I pouted and gave her puppy dog eyes. It totally worked. With a sigh, she shoved the sucker back into my mouth. As I smiled in victory, she sighed. “You could at least ask first.”
Removing the treat slowly, so my lips curled over the edge, I seductively told her, “I didn’t think I had to ask to suck on your…candy.”
I thought she’d find that sexy, but her expression instantly clouded with pain. “Don’t say candy.”
The playfulness fell off my face as I instantly realized my error. I’d stupidly reminded her of something she was doing her best to forget. “Sorry,” I quietly said. I kind of wanted to smack myself in the face for saying her name.
She shook her head like she was shaking away the memory, then she leaned down and gave me a tender kiss. “It’s all right.” She kissed me again. “Just ask next time, Sucker Thief.”
Happy that she was letting my mistake go, and loving her playful nickname, I gave her a huge grin as I returned the sucker to its rightful place—my mouth. She was smiling and laughing as she walked away from me, and I was grateful for the opportunity to amuse her. Anything I could do to make her happy, to make her forget the…darker parts of our relationship.
A little later, I was watching Kiera chatting with Kate, probably telling her about her first day back at school, when a sudden noise got my attention. The front doors had burst open. Matt strode through them, a look of pure excitement on his face as he immediately looked my way. When he spotted me, the look on his face grew even more exuberant. In all the years I’d known him, I’d never seen him look so excited. I had no idea what could possibly make him so…buoyant.
He sped-walked his way to the table, zipping around chairs in his way. As he rapidly approached, Griffin and Evan entered the bar. They also looked like they were bursting at the seams as they hurried my way. They all looked so thrilled, but for some reason, my chest clenched with dread. What was going on?
“Kell…you’re never going to believe what just happened,” Matt said, when he got close enough. Frowning, I looked from him to Evan and Griffin. Shit…what happened? Matt sat down beside me, and Evan and Griffin quickly joined him. They all leaned into me, crowding my personal space, and all of them started talking at once in their excitement.
“That band I’ve been talking to—Avoiding Redemption—I just got off the phone with their lead singer, Justin…”
“He saw us play at Bumbershoot, dude—”
“He wants us on his tour!”
“Yeah, he invited us along! Our first real tour!”
My eyes drifted between the guys, as their words started sinking in. “Tour? Like a concert tour? Seriously?”
“Yeah!” Matt said. “Justin said they’re heading out with a half-dozen other bands soon, and they want us to go with them. Us, man! We’d be at the bottom of the lineup, ‘cause it’s a last-minute thing, but who the fuck cares. We’re going on tour!”
My heart thudded inside my chest, and I felt ill. Tour…away from here…away from Kiera… “How long?” The words were practically a whisper as they left my lips.
“Six months! Can you believe that shit! This is it, Kell! Our shot to make it!” Griffin exclaimed.
Matt nodded. “It’s a coast-to-coast tour. I already told Justin yes. First part of November, dude, then we’re gone!”
“Coast to fucking coast!” Griffin said, grinning wide. “D-Bags are about to take over the world, man!”
Matt laughed. “More like the continent, cuz.”
Bile rose up my throat as their joy bounced off my skin. Six months. We’d be gone six fucking months…if I agreed to go. But if I said no…fuck, they were all so excited. Saying no would crush them. But saying yes…shit. November? Six months? What would that much time do to Kiera and me? Unfortunately, I already knew the answer to that.
I looked over and saw Kiera curiously approaching the table. Leaning back, I ran a hand over my mouth as fear and indecision battled inside me. Kiera froze when our eyes met, and she suddenly looked terrified. I understood why she looked that way—I felt that way. Six months…away from her. A lot could happen in that amount of time. Just look at how much had happened with her and Denny, and that had been a fraction of the time. There was no way I could say yes to this. Fuck. How could I say no?
Matt patted one of my shoulders, while Evan touched the other one. “Come on, man, this is good news,” Matt said. “This is what we’ve been waiting for. Why do you look like you’re gonna be sick? This is our once-in-a-lifetime shot! Why aren’t you stoked?”
Shaking my head, my eyes still locked on Kiera, I quietly burst their bubble. “I can’t…I can’t go.” Kiera’s eyes shifted to the people around me, and whatever she saw from my bandmates made her back up a step. Knowing they’d figured out exactly why I couldn’t go on tour with them—and knowing they were silently blaming Kiera for it—I refocused on Matt and the guys. Voice low and intense, I tried to convince them that it was purely because we weren’t ready, that it had nothing to do with my girlfriend. “Call Justin back, Matt. Tell him we can’t go on tour right now, that it’s not the right time. We’re just not ready for that type of performance, not yet. I say we tell him no. I say we stay here.”
The guys were angry. Matt shook his head while Griffin tossed his hands in the air and Evan leaned back with a sigh. “We are ready, Kell,” Matt said, an edge to his voice. “And we’re never gonna get an offer like this again. This is legit. We can’t say no.”
“I can’t go, Matt. I just can’t. Please understand,” I pleaded.
“Is this because of Kiera?” he asked, narrowing his eyes. “Are you ditching us for a girl?”
I closed my eyes. Yes. “It’s just not the right time.” It will be the end of us. She’ll find someone else. She’ll leave me. I reopened my eyes to see Matt glaring at me, unconvinced by my statement. “Okay…yeah. It’s partly because of Kiera. She and I…we went through so much to get where we are…And we’re finally in a good place, and I can’t…I can’t leave her right now. I’m sorry, but my answer is no. I’m staying here.”
Griffin instantly exploded. “Oh, come on, Kellan! Fuck!”
I lifted a hand to him, trying to squelch his anger, but it didn’t appear to help. “Griff, I’m not saying we’ll never go on tour, I’m just saying not right now.” Shaking his head, still pissed, he crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me like I was personally tearing his dream into tiny pieces. And in a way, I was.
Matt hung his head, looking utterly defeated. “I can’t believe our chance to make it big is finally here…and you’re saying no.”
Guilt flooded me. The guys had sacrificed so much for me—given up their entire life in L.A. to follow me to Seattle, and right when we’d been on the brink. They’d never once asked to go back, never once pushed me to leave here. But there was no way I could say yes to this. I’d lose her. But if I said no…I might lose them. Fuck. “Guys, please…”
Evan clapped me on the shoulder, like he understood my torment. Leaning in, he said, “We’re all leaving people behind, Kellan. We know it’s hard, but this…this could be important for our future. For us and for them. Why don’t you talk to Kiera before you decide anything? She might be more okay with it than you think.”
He extended his hand to point at Kiera, and my eyes followed the gesture. Kiera was pale as she stood there frozen, watching us. She was obviously curious about why we were arguing, but she was nervous too. As she should be. How could she possibly be okay with me leaving for six months? She’d fallen apart when Denny had left for two months. Fallen apart and fallen into my arms. Whose arms would she seek if I left her?
With a sigh, I scrubbed my face with my hands. I felt like I was trapped in a cage. No matter what I did, no matter what decision I made, someone was going to get hurt. One of my relationships—either mine with Kiera, or mine with the guys—was going to be forever altered after this moment. It made me want to slug something. Or start sobbing. Everything had been going so well…why did this have to happen now? Now, when I wanted time to freeze.
But still, at the very least, I owed the guys a conversation with my girlfriend. Slumping in my chair, I shook my head in defeat. Then I weakly looked up at them and nodded. “Okay, I’ll talk to her, then I’ll let you know.”
I felt like I weighed a thousand pounds as I stood up and faced Kiera. Another weary sigh escaped me when our eyes met. I told the guys I’d be right back, then I began slowly trudging toward her. There was no way she was going to be okay with this. No way on Earth.
Kiera kind of looked like she wanted to run as I approached her, and the bar was deathly quiet. Everyone was aware something major was happening, they just didn’t know what. I couldn’t look Kiera in the eye when I finally reached her. Keeping my head down, I woodenly asked, “Can I talk to you…” I forced my eyes to her face, my entire body was rigid with tension, “…outside?”
She looked like she wanted to say no, but she nodded. I grabbed her hand, then led her out of the silent bar to the parking lot. Fear and anxiety made me drop her fingers the moment we were outside. It was dark now, just on the verge of being chilly. It matched my mood. As my eyes ceaselessly scanned the lot, I tried to think of what to say to her. How could I knowingly break her heart? Watching her fall apart when Denny left was suddenly fresh in my mind. I couldn’t hurt her like that. I just…couldn’t. And how could I possibly leave her anyway? Leave her to fall for someone else. She was my entire fucking world. I wouldn’t survive if she…replaced me.
“Kellan?” she asked, her voice trembling with worry.
Realizing I was already hurting her by my silence, I turned to face her. I cupped her cheek with a sigh. “I need to tell you something, and I don’t know where to start,” I confessed.
