Painful, page 17
Stopping on her number, I debated texting her. Surely it wasn’t too early to start the sexy talk. I was just about to do it when another name caught my eye. Denny. She’d programmed her ex’s number for me. That was a little surreal. But not in a bad way—Denny was someone I still wanted to keep in contact with. Even after…everything.
I hit an icon that I was pretty sure would connect the call, and sure enough, the screen told me it was dialing. See Kiera, I can do this. As I brought the phone to my ear, I wondered what time it was in Denny’s world. Hopefully it wasn’t too early. Or too late? Fuck if I knew.
A couple of rings later, a confused voice met my ear. “Hello?”
“Hey Denny, it’s Kellan. Kiera got us cell phones, and I wanted to make sure you had my new number.” Right after I said it, I realized I should have just texted him since I really wasn’t sure about the time difference. This phone was going to take some getting used to.
Denny was quiet for a moment, then I could tell he was yawning. I sighed. “Shit. I woke you up, didn’t I? What time is it over there?”
“Don’t worry about it, it’s fine,” he said, his tone forgiving. “Cell phone, huh? I never thought I’d see the day when you got one.” He laughed after he said it, amused.
“Yeah, well, it will come in handy soon.” Biting my lip, I felt a surge of adrenaline fill me. “The band got asked to go on a tour. An actual freaking tour. Crazy, huh?” Denny had always been one of my biggest supporters, by my side from the very beginning of this journey. I’d been holding onto this piece of information for way too long now. I had to share it with him.
His response wasn’t what I expected. Instead of an exclamation of surprise, or a heartfelt congratulations, he was absolutely silent. I was about to ask him if he was still there, when I finally heard him say, “That’s not too surprising, Kellan. I always knew you’d make it.”
I had to scoff at that. While this tour was cool, it wasn’t exactly “making it.” “Yeah, well, I just wanted to let you know. You’ve always…been there…for me.” And I repaid you by screwing you over. Swallowing the lump of betrayal in my throat, I quickly told him, “We’re leaving this weekend. We’ll be on the road for six months…” God, every time I said it, it sounded longer and longer.
“Six months?” Denny murmured. “Wow, that’s…wow.” He was silent again, and a strange sort of awkwardness stretched over the line. Somehow, I knew his reaction wasn’t really about me and this upcoming opportunity. It was about Kiera. He had to be wondering just what I’d wondered—would she wait for me?
I really didn’t want him to comment on it. Hearing him voice my fears would be worse than anyone else speaking them. Denny had the weight of experience to back up his comments, and if he unleashed them on me, that weight would crush me. Dead. “Hey, man, I’m sorry for calling so early. I’ll…I’ll let you go.”
I heard him inhale a deep breath, like he was trying to purge his own demons—demons I’d just reminded him about. God, would there ever be a time when I didn’t selfishly hurt him? “Yeah, okay. I’ll talk to you later. Congratulations, mate.”
Him calling me that made me smile. Despite it all, he was still talking to me, still calling me a friend. Maybe there was still hope for us. Awkward, tension-filled hope…but still hope.
Disconnecting the call, I put my phone back in my pocket and grinned. Kiera was momentarily occupied, and now it was time for me to get to work. I had a lot to do during the brief time she was at school. I still needed to talk to Anna about entertaining Kiera while I was gone, and I was seriously considering paying off Matt’s neighbors, so they didn’t break up our afterhours party Friday night. I also had a ton of notes to begin planting. Thank God I had a key to Kiera’s apartment—that was going to make this so much simpler. I wasn’t going to decorate that one until right before we left though. I didn’t want Kiera to find the notes too early…and I really didn’t want to do it while Griffin was…visiting.
The Hulk. Jackass.
Chapter 11
KIERA’S SHADOW
Time began blurring, everything went by so fast. My preparations kept most of the gnawing dread at bay, as did my recommitment to the band. Matt had chided me pretty good once I’d shown up to rehearsal, and after making me look like an idiot for not knowing all the random little changes they’d made to our newest song in my absence, I hadn’t missed another practice. Matt was very proud of me.
But even with all my obligations, I still managed to squeeze in plenty of time for Kiera. I savored every second we had together, wishing I could stretch every moment into its own separate eternity. If I ever developed a superpower, that was what I’d want it to be—the ability to hold onto fragments of time and live them over and over again. But only fragments of my choosing, of course. I’d really love to be able to forever block the bad memories. In fact, maybe I’d chose that to be my superpower instead.
Before I knew it, it was Friday…a day full of farewells. The last time I’d be able to take Kiera to school. The last show at the bar. The last night I’d get to spend with Kiera… At least it was going to be a fun one. I couldn’t wait for the party at Matt’s. Something positive before the potential soul-crushing pain of saying goodbye.
Temporarily. I was coming back, and she would be here waiting for me. She would be…
I woke up well before Kiera. We were in the same position we’d fallen asleep in, and she had her head on my chest, using me as her pillow. God, I loved that. Careful to not wake her, I gently squeezed her body, pulling her even closer to me. It had been such a struggle to get here, where holding her like this only filled me with joy and not regret. I didn’t want life to change, but it was changing on me anyway.
Kiera’s room began to lighten as the sun rose higher, the darkness muting, fading. This was usually when I slipped out of bed to exercise a little before making some coffee, but today…I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to miss a single second with her. And I knew I wouldn’t. Today I was her shadow, whether she wanted me to be or not.
I began stroking her hair, tucking it behind her ear, wishing she would wake up so I could feel the warmth of her love in her eyes, but also not wanting to wake her, because once she woke, the countdown would truly begin. And when it ran out, I’d be gone.
Heart aching with the sting of goodbye, I felt her stir and stretch. Here we go. I abolished any trace of sadness on my face as she lifted her head and looked up at me. “Mornin’,” I whispered, running the back of my finger down her cheek.
The love I felt in her hazel eyes almost undid me. How could I leave this behind? This feeling, this warmth, this tenderness. This was all I’d ever wanted. More than music. More than friendship. And way more than fame. You’re not losing it, Kellan, you’ll just be a little farther away from her for a time. Don’t freak out. She wants this for you. She believes in you. So do it for her. Make her proud.
Well, damn. That tiny shift in the way I thought about this actually made me feel about a million times better. Okay. That was what I’d do, how I’d endure leaving her. Everything I did from here on out was for her. I was going to do this to the best of my ability. I was going to make her proud of me.
Kiera and I spent the next hour just holding each other, savoring the moment. She looked so forlorn when she finally had to pull away from me to get ready for school. She wasn’t yet aware that she wasn’t getting rid of me today. I think she sort of began to figure that out when I followed her into the shower.
Holding her while the warm water streamed around us started cementing a memory that I knew I’d return to on the road. The peace, the warmth, the connection. I stared into her beautiful, ever-shifting eyes as I drank it all in, reveled in the feeling of her soft hands on my skin, her trim body in my arms. Heaven. The moment could have easily become a sexual one, but I refrained. Our connection was already so strong right now, I didn’t need anything more, and for once, my hands sliding over her skin weren’t an attempt to rile her up. I just wanted to help her get ready; fully experience the moment with her.
But sadly, with time running out and the warm water fading, we had to leave our damp love nest and make our way out into the real world. I wanted to have coffee ready for her and thought she might like to ogle me for a little longer, so I wrapped a towel around my waist and headed to the kitchen while she got dressed.
Humming a song to myself as I prepped the coffee, I thought over all the notes I’d hidden around Kiera’s apartment. There were a bunch, and they were everywhere. But there were still some I couldn’t hide myself—the more obvious ones were going to need an accomplice to successfully pull off the surprise. Good thing Kiera lived with an amiable cohort. I had no doubt Anna would help me.
I leaned against the counter when I was done preparing the coffee, waiting for it to brew and my angel to rejoin me. When she finally appeared, she was carrying a bundle of my clothes. She wanted me to get dressed in the kitchen? I was about to ask her why, but the look on her face as she blatantly stared at my body stopped me cold. Her hungry gaze honed in on my chest, then lazily made its way down to my towel. It made me smile that my body pleased her so much—she was going to love Jenny’s photo when she discovered it taped to the bottom of her dresser drawer—but I did find it humorous that there was a definite double standard in our relationship. While Kiera could practically lick me with her eyes, whenever I did the same thing, I got reprimanded. I wasn’t going to complain too much, of course. I really liked it when she licked me with her eyes…and she did have a point about her body turning me on.
“Kiera?” I asked, loving her rapt attention.
Her eyes finally snapped to mine, and she almost looked surprised, like she hadn’t realized her inspection of me had gone on for so long. “See something you like?” I teased. Because I sure do. Even covered up with jeans and layered tees she looked amazing.
Cheeks flushing adorably, she tossed my clothes at me. My hands had been behind me as I’d lounged against the counter and surprise flashed over me as she caught me off guard. I struggled to catch the mess while Kiera said, “Anna’s awake and getting ready to come out here. Can you get dressed please?”
That last part had oozed longing, and so did her expression as she eyed my back while I set my clothes on the counter. When she bit her lip, clearly distracted by me, I couldn’t not tease her. “You sure?”
She glanced back at the bedrooms, maybe gauging how much time we had. “Yes,” she said, still sounding reluctant.
With how much Kiera was enjoying inspecting me, I really didn’t care if Anna did come out here. Somehow, our sweet, tender moment of nakedness in the shower hadn’t been enough for Kiera. Maybe it was because she was dressed now, or maybe it was because the bathroom had a certain private feel to it, like her bedroom, or maybe it was simply because she really did have a thing for me being wet and she just couldn’t take it anymore. Whatever the reason, my body was doing more for her now than it had all morning. I didn’t want to hasten her eye-fucking me, but I supposed I did need to get dressed at some point.
Loving what this was going to do to her, I unhooked my towel and let it fall to the floor. Her eyes instantly widened, like she’d never seen me naked before. It was enough to turn me on a little, especially when her cheeks started blazing with color. I had to shake my head at her reaction; we’d literally spent all morning naked together.
I lengthened the tease by getting dressed as slowly as possible. The look on her face shifted between annoyance that I was taking so long, sadness that I was getting dressed at all, and genuine appreciation for all the genes I’d been blessed with. I was going to have to remind her about this moment the next time she tried to get dressed underneath a towel. I don’t think so, Kiera.
When I was finished, she gave me a sad smile as she wrapped her arms around my neck. “I’m gonna miss you,” she murmured.
Her words squeezed my chest, bringing that familiar ache back to the surface. “I’m gonna miss you too.” So much.
She leaned up to kiss me, and I lost myself in the tenderness. An amused voice snapped me out of it. “Damn it, was he in a towel?”
I looked up to see Anna pointing at the towel I’d discarded. I smirked at her comment while Kiera laid her head on my chest. “Yes, sorry, you missed the peep show.”
Anna dramatized her disappointment with a long sigh. “I always do,” she muttered, handing us mugs for coffee.
I had to laugh at the pair of very different sisters. Sometimes it seemed like Kiera thought I’d made the wrong choice falling for her and not her sister, but Anna and I…in some ways we were too much alike. If I’d ever gotten together with her pre-Kiera, it never would have led to something deeper. It only would have been surface-sex, never delving any further, and I’d had that way too many times in my life. But Kiera…she had bored into me, opening me, sometimes against my will, and now, she was all I saw. My light, my future…my wife. Maybe.
Even as I poured cups of coffee for everyone, my eyes kept flicking to the living room. That was where I’d hidden the letter. It was buried in a small random hole in Kiera’s ugly orange couch. I knew the moment I’d placed it that it was hidden too well; the odds of her ever finding it were a million to one. But at least I’d done it. ‘Cause I still kind of felt like burning it. Crap. What would she think when she saw that? I was almost glad I wouldn’t physically be with her when she read it. If she reacted poorly to my plea…it would destroy me.
Anna snapped me out of my darkening thoughts by wishing me good luck on our final pre-tour show at Pete’s, and saying she’d be there after her shift at Hooters. I thanked her, nonchalantly telling her that the show should be a good one. Even as I said it, I wondered. Saying goodbye to Pete’s was almost as hard as saying goodbye to Kiera. That bar was home to me, it had been for a while now, and it was entirely possible that I might just lose it on stage. I’d shed a few melancholy tears while singing before—usually thanks to some Kiera-fueled emotional torment—but I had yet to have a meltdown. God, I really hoped I didn’t break that streak tonight. I’d never hear the end of it.
Anna left Kiera and I to finish our coffee together, and I savored every second as I stared at her over the rim of my mug. Maybe this had been our true beginning—quiet mornings bonding over coffee. I knew I thought of Kiera every time I took a sip of my favorite morning beverage; I really hoped she thought about me too.
While Kiera went through her school stuff, checking and rechecking that she had everything, I grabbed my jacket and stepped into Anna’s room. She was lounging on her bed, listening to music. When she spotted me standing in her doorway, she pulled out an earbud. “You look like you need a favor. What is it?”
I glanced down the hallway to make sure Kiera wasn’t around. She was still sorting through her stuff, so I twisted back to Anna. “I just wanted to remind you about keeping an eye on Kiera. Especially tomorrow. I just don’t want her to…” I had to pause to clear the lump in my throat. “Make sure she’s okay.”
Anna softly sighed as she sat up. “Of course, Kellan. I remember…take her out a lot, make sure she has fun, don’t let her wallow. I’ll make sure she’s fine, I promise.”
Relieved, I let out a long breath. Then I smiled. Reaching into my jacket pocket, I pulled out the last few notes I had, the ones I wouldn’t be able to place without giving away my plan. “And, once we’re gone, could you stick these around the apartment for her?” I was grinning like an idiot as I handed them to Anna. I couldn’t help it. Prepping this escapade for Kiera was one of the few things that had made leaving almost fun.
I started explaining where they should go, and Anna smirked at me the entire time she listened. When I was finished with my instructions, she smiled and shook her head at me. “God, you two are so fucking cute…it’s a little nauseating being around you.”
She winked after she said it, and I laughed. “That’s fine by me,” I told her. Being too cute to be around was a major step up from being too depressed to be around. I didn’t ever want to be that guy again. “Thank you, Anna.” I started to leave, then turned back to her. “And don’t tell Kiera, okay? I want it to be a surprise for her…once I’m gone.”
Anna searched my face, then nodded. “See you tonight, Kellan.” And like she knew I was silently freaking out, she added, “And have fun.”
Fun. Yes, that was my plan. Tonight was going to be a night to remember.
After driving Kiera to school, I walked her to class with my arm slung over her shoulders. I knew it was kind of a possessive posture, but I didn’t want any of the frat-boy mini-D-Bags around doubting that she was mine. And besides, I liked cocooning her into my side. It just felt right. Always had.
When we got to her door, I immediately stepped inside the classroom with her; we usually said our goodbyes in the doorway, but not today. No goodbyes were happening today. Kiera gave me a droll look when I started leading us to a row with some empty seats. “I can handle this part. You can go…nap or something.”
Amused at her suggestion, I shook my head, grabbed her hand, and walked backward down a row. “I’m not walking you to your seat.” Finding the perfect place for us, I sat down and made myself comfortable. “I’m joining you.”
I couldn’t help but grin as she stared at me with her mouth popped open. She seemed genuinely surprised that I would want to sit through a lecture with her, like it was a sacrifice or something. But spending time with her was never a chore, and even if we weren’t doing anything or talking about anything, I was never bored when she was beside me. Hell, I could spend hours just staring at her, imagining all of the things that we could be doing together. But this was her ethics class, and I actually was kind of interested in hearing what the professor had to say. This was going to be fun.
