Painful, page 50
Betrayal on her face, tears in her eyes, Kiera shook her head. “Who’s the liar now, Kellan?”
I knew what it looked like, I knew what she thought, but she was wrong, and our lies were not comparable. I shook my head at her. “This is different. This isn’t about you and me.”
Her hands went to her hips, her stance demanding. “Then tell me the truth. What are you hiding?”
A brief second of panic went through me as I contemplated how to tell her. But then, as my eyes drifted to her stomach, I remembered…I didn’t have to tell her anything. Not anymore. We weren’t together anymore, and she was still fucking lying to me. My jaw tightening, I snapped, “It doesn’t concern you and I don’t have to tell you anything anymore.”
The tears poured down her cheeks now and seeing them still sent a crack of pain through me. She tossed her hands into the air, like she was giving up. “Fine, keep your fucking secrets, Kellan.” The swear was jarring coming from her, but I didn’t let it—or her tears—weaken my resolve. She didn’t get to know about Gavin. Not anymore. She didn’t get to know anything about me anymore.
Kiera twisted to the front door, finally fucking leaving. She opened it, then paused. Half turning her head to me, she said, “And just so you know, I’m not pregnant, asshole. Anna is. Griffin knocked her up in Boise and she’s freaking out about it.” Then she stepped outside and slammed the door shut behind her.
All the air left me in a rush, and I couldn’t fucking breathe. Anna was pregnant? Anna? That thought had never once occurred to me, but it made perfect fucking sense. It matched all of Kiera’s objections, it fit the timeline, it completely evaporated all of the cruelty that had seemed so incomprehensible coming from Kiera. It completely altered our fight, completely changed the narrative. It made me seem completely…
Oh my fucking god…I was wrong. I was fucking wrong, and I just…
I just ruined everything.
My phone dropped from my fingers, and I almost fell to my knees and started sobbing as the truth pummeled me to pieces. She wasn’t pregnant, she hadn’t lied, Denny hadn’t lied. She’d been telling me the truth from the beginning, and I’d refused to listen. I’d shoved her away from me and now…
Panic made me toss open the door. She wasn’t gone yet. I could fix this. Somehow, I could fucking fix this. Running outside, I instantly spotted her walking across the street. She was walking? Why the fuck was she walking? How did she even get here? I didn’t have time to worry about it. She was leaving. I couldn’t let her leave. Not with us broken like this.
“Kiera, wait! Stop!” She didn’t listen to me, just kept storming away from me. I didn’t blame her. I was such a dick. I ran to catch up to her. She was on the sidewalk, on the other side of the street. I grabbed her arm, making her stop and face me.
Her eyes were pure fury as she took in my stunned expression. “Anna? Anna’s pregnant?”
She ripped her arm away from me and raised her chin. The heat from her expression immediately took all the chill out of the air around us. “Yes,” she bit out.
The one clipped word felt like a strike. Goddamn it. God-fucking-damn it. What did I do to us? I tried to touch her arm again, pull her into me, but she moved away. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I whispered, heartbroken for us. She had to have known for a while. Why would she keep that a secret from me?
She sighed, and I saw some of her anger shift to conflict, confusion. “Anna made me promise not to say anything.” Her head dropped, along with her voice. “She’s not sure if she’s going…to keep it.”
Not going to keep it? Did she mean…? Was Anna going to…? Fuck. It was her choice, of course, she could do what she felt she needed to do, but the baby was part Griffin…and Anna and Griffin, they were both so important to me. They were family. I wanted this baby to happen. For the two of them…and for me. Maybe that was selfish of me to want that, but I did. Maybe it was because the situation hit way too close to home. My mother could have easily made that choice with me. In fact, there were days when I’d been shocked that she hadn’t. I think the only reason she’d kept me, was the vague hope that Gavin would change his mind and come back to her. But he hadn’t, and I’d paid the price for it. Daily.
Needing to know Anna’s intentions, I cautiously asked, “She’s not…she’s not going to…?”
I couldn’t even say it, but Kiera understood my question. She shook her head. “No, she’s going through with the pregnancy, she’s just not sure about…adoption.” Kiera sighed, and I saw the pain and sadness in her. She wanted this baby too. She’d been helping Anna deal with this all alone, and it had clearly been eating at her. I wanted to hold her, but I knew she wouldn’t let me yet. How badly had I messed us up? You broke up with her, dickwad. It’s pretty fucking bad.
I let out a long exhale as I absorbed Kiera’s answer. “Oh, good, I’d hate for…”
I still couldn’t say it. I just kept picturing my mom and my dad and Gavin and myself, and the whole fucked-up mess of my existence. But Mom had kept me, and Anna was keeping her baby too, and that was good. At least the child would have a chance, like me. Maybe a better chance than me. But not with adoption. Sure, that would have been an improvement in my case, but Anna and Griffin…they weren’t my parents. They could do this. We would all help them. They wouldn’t be alone. We would all love that baby…so much.
Fuck. I almost couldn’t believe one of us was going to be a father. And of course, it would be the most irresponsible one of us. Rolling my eyes, I muttered, “Damn, Griffin…I’m gonna kill him…”
Kiera, done with her part of the conversation, started walking away from me. I rushed forward and grabbed her arm, stopping her again. “Wait…please.” She was slow to look back at me. How can I fix this? I tried simple, honest remorse. “I’m sorry, Kiera…please don’t walk away.”
Heat in her eyes, she removed my hand from her arm. “You basically called me a whore and said you never wanted to see me again. Why shouldn’t I walk away?”
I hung my head as shame struck me. I should have at least tried to listen to her. “I didn’t know.” Knowing that was a pale excuse, I peeked up at her. “I thought…Seeing Denny here…and then…those tests…” The pain of betrayal was still inside me, even though I knew I was wrong about her. I closed my eyes. “I just thought…I thought what happened to my dad was happening to me. I thought you had another man’s baby in you. I was just…angry. I’ve never felt that ill…” I made myself open my eyes and look at her. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t believe you.”
She nodded, her face looking accepting, like she understood, and I nearly crumpled in relief. Maybe there was still hope for us. God, I wanted that to be true. I moved to hug her…but she pushed me away. Some of my hope died as I gave her a questioning look. She narrowed her eyes at me; they were still holding a huge well of anger. Lifting her right hand, she pointedly showed me the ring on her finger.
“I kept my promise…I was faithful.” She jerked her thumb back toward my house…back toward my phone. “Were you?”
Fuck. I chewed on my lip as I looked back at the house. I didn’t know how to explain without…explaining. And I still, even now, didn’t want to tell her. Not completely. A part of me desperately wanted to hide. Looking back at her, my eyes fixated on her ring, then down to mine. How could I not tell her after everything I’d just accused her of? Goddamn it. “Kiera…it’s not what you think.” Can we leave it at that?
But of course, she wasn’t going to accept a non-answer anymore. No more half-truths from me either. She grabbed my cheek, making me lift my gaze. “I don’t know what to think because you won’t talk to me. What does that text mean?” There was heat in her voice still. And pain. So much pain. She thinks you’re having an affair…just fucking tell her.
How?
I started to panic as I felt the walls closing in on me. There was nowhere left to run, nowhere left to hide, and that was all I wanted to do. I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to talk about this. Just accept that I’m not doing anything. Just let me sweep this under the rug again. “I can’t…I don’t think I can…” I couldn’t even tell her that I couldn’t fucking talk about it. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. How did she expect me to get the words out when all I wanted to do was run? Let me go so I can run.
She shook her head, fury in her eyes. “You have to tell me now, Kellan, because this is tearing us apart.”
I know. I’m sorry.
Kiera pointed at the stop sign at the end of the street. “Tell me now…or I keep walking and we really do end this.”
The panic and fear shifted to desolation at the thought of her being gone. I can’t go on without you. My eyes stung as the agony welled inside me. Shaking my head, I pleaded with her to stay. “Please, don’t leave me.” But don’t make me talk either.
She lifted her eyebrows, waiting. She wasn’t going to cave, and she wasn’t bluffing. If I didn’t open up to her right now, she was going to leave me. I was going to lose her. I don’t want to lose her. Gavin wasn’t worth losing her. I had to find the courage. I had to rip off the Band-aid.
I tried to swallow the knot in my throat, tried to scrub away the pain in my eyes. It wasn’t working. I felt like I was breaking apart. “Ugh. Goddamn it…” Why was everything so fucking hard? Closing my eyes, I inhaled a few deep breaths. This wasn’t optional anymore. It just…was. Resisting was getting me nowhere; it was just digging a deeper hole. I felt empty inside when I opened my eyes and looked at her. There was concern on her face. And fear.
“Okay, I’ll tell you.” I glanced around the street; the openness was suffocating. “But not here, all right…let’s go back inside…”
She released a tension-filled breath, and I grabbed her hand. She let me take it, let me lead her back to the house. Where I was about to crack myself wide open.
Chapter 31
TIME FOR PAIN
I indicated for Kiera to sit when we got back inside the house. She did as I asked, silently sitting down on the couch in the living room. I knew I couldn’t join her. I couldn’t calmly sit beside her while I did this. There was too much…energy inside me. Too much anxiety. I felt sweaty, and sick, and would have given anything to not be here. But I didn’t have a choice anymore. Losing Kiera wasn’t an option. Not if I could do something to stop it. Even if that something was extremely difficult.
I paced in front of her, occasionally wiping my clammy palms on my jeans as my heart raced inside my chest. I could see Kiera’s nerves increasing as she watched me, and I knew I was making this harder for her. She had to think I was lying, she had to think I was hiding an affair. I wished I could calm down, for her sake, but fuck…this was killing me.
My mouth felt glued shut, and I didn’t know how to start the conversation. So, I ran into my sister who gave all my information to my father who now stalks me daily. Sounded so easy to say…but it wasn’t.
Kiera seemed to sense that I was incapable of beginning this conversation. “Who was that on the phone?” she softly asked.
Her words stopped me cold. Feeling a headache coming, I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Ugh, I can’t…start there, Kiera.” I needed to ease into this. I needed…distance from the immediate answer.
Kiera nodded and waited. I stood in front of her for a second, feeling the heaviness of weariness settle around me. God, I was so used to feeling that way now…exhausted to the core. I ran a hand down my face, wishing I remembered what it felt like to be unburdened. Shaking my head, I started at the beginning. “Back in December, a girl came up to me backstage.”
All of the blood drained from Kiera’s face. I knew what she was thinking, and I knew I shouldn’t have said it that way, but it was the only way I could begin. Gently. Softly. I hated seeing Kiera’s pain, so I made myself continue. She wouldn’t hurt for long. But I would. “She told me…”
My throat went dry, and I swallowed to relieve the ache. Kiera’s expression changed during my pause, like she’d just realized the truth. Seeing it filled me with hope. Maybe I wouldn’t have to say it, maybe she’d just know. But then she said, “She told you that you have a child…right? Sometime in your life, you weren’t safe…and now, somewhere out there, you’ve got a kid.”
My hope vanished as she got it wrong. She still thought this was about sex. About a woman I’d been with, either past or present. But it wasn’t. Not at all. It was so much worse. For me, at least. I’d almost prefer it if this had been about a child. But then I saw the sadness on Kiera’s face, the despair in her eyes as a tear rolled down her cheek. For her, a child with another woman was the nightmare. Did she want to be the first to have my kid? The only one to have my children? I wanted that too, and she could still have that…if she didn’t leave me.
Squatting in front of her, I cupped her cheek and assuaged her fears. “No, Kiera…that’s not it at all.” With a sigh, I rested my head against hers. “There isn’t a miniature version of me out there anywhere, Kiera…okay?”
She swiped her fingers under her eyes, looking more confused than ever. “Then what is it, Kellan? Because I really don’t understand.”
I hated this, hated the pain I was causing her, hated the pain I was causing myself. I sat back on my heels with my head down. “I know you don’t. And I know it seems like I’m hiding an affair…” I looked up at her, hoping against hope that she could just see the answer—the right answer. You know me better than anyone. Please. See the truth. “Do you really not see, knowing what you know about me, what might make me…lie to you?”
She flinched at hearing me admit that I’d lied. More tears streamed down her face and the guilt inside me grew exponentially. I wanted to apologize for ever lying to her, but an apology wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She wanted an explanation. She wanted the truth.
She shook her head at me, still not having a clue, and I let out a heavy sigh. There was no easy way out for me. I was just going to have to tell her. I closed my eyes and prayed for strength. “She told me that she wanted me to meet…her father.”
Just saying it tore me open, and I could feel the tears springing to life as I looked up at Kiera. She still seemed confused. “Father? That’s…odd.”
No. The way I phrased it was odd. Again, I was being a coward, trying to tell her without actually telling her. Annoyed at myself, I gave her a sad, sarcastic smile. “Yeah, well, she seems to think that…he might be my father too.” And he is. Fuck me…he is.
I could see Kiera’s confusion slowly shifting to realization. But because I’d said it so weirdly, it took her a few seconds to get there. “Your father too? So, she’s your…? Wait, your father? Your biological father? Is he? Is she…your sister?”
Every word, every question…it was a sword through the gut. I wanted to walk away, no, I wanted to run away, anything to stop talking about this, but I knew I had to stay. She needed to understand, so she didn’t leave me. “Yes, she showed me an old picture of him and even if the resemblance didn’t make it painfully obvious…I’d seen the same picture before. Mom showed it to me once…”
My eyes filled to the brim as the memory of that moment seared me. Mom, drunk, screaming at me as she held the photo an inch from my face, telling me who he was and how I’d messed up their relationship by having the audacity to be conceived. “You ruin everything!” she’d yelled at me. And she was right. I did ruin everything. But I wasn’t alone in that first one. Gavin started this. Gavin left her because of me. Gavin left me.
I swallowed back the pain as I held Kiera’s gaze. “And I can’t, Kiera, I just can’t see him…I can’t do it.” I won’t do it.
Kiera just looked at me for a moment, shocked, but then she leaned forward and cupped my cheeks. I felt trapped as I stared at her, and I had to resist the urge to scramble away from her. I knew where this was going, I knew what she was going to want from me. It was the entire reason I didn’t tell her in the first place.
“Why didn’t you ever say anything to me?” she asked, looking hurt. And confused.
I hated her pain, but it was nothing compared to mine. I shook my head. “I know you. You’d want me to meet with him. You’d want me to have some…bonding family moment with him…and I…I can’t, Kiera.”
She sighed as she stroked my cheek, and I felt the request coming. It made my heart race. “He’s your family, Kellan…”
I jumped to my feet, finally moving away from her. Family? Bullshit. “No, no, he’s nothing to me!” I ran my hands through my hair as I looked around, looked for escape. There was none. Everywhere I turned I saw my parents. And Gavin. And a lifetime of pain. “He left me. He took off and abandoned me. He let me grow up with…those…people.”
Every hit started replaying in my mind. Every word of derision. Every glance of contempt. Every bitter, spiteful comment, every moment when they’d shoved me away from them, every time when I’d stupidly tried to get them to love me…and failed miserably. And Jesus Christ…I still wanted them to love me. How fucked up was that? That after everything, I still wished for that? And it was all Gavin’s fault. “He wanted nothing to do with me…so I want nothing to do with him…”
My voice cracked. My entire body was shaking, and I couldn’t stop it. I felt like I was vibrating apart, repeatedly ripping into small pieces. I didn’t want to be here, but there was nowhere for me to go—no relief from the pain.
Kiera stood up. She stepped into my body, ran her hand up my chest, to the tightness of my jaw. I couldn’t look at her, I couldn’t look anywhere. The past wasn’t leaving me; I felt like I was drowning in it. When Kiera spoke, her voice was soft, like she wanted to be soothing, but what she said was anything but soothing. “He didn’t know what situation he was leaving you in. How could he? Maybe he thought he was doing you a favor by stepping away, by not permanently breaking up the family he’d already…damaged.”
A word she’d used burned through my fog of pain. My eyes locked on hers. “A favor? My dad used to whip me with his belt when he got angry. He’d hit me so hard that I had to sleep on my stomach for days afterward. And I learned early on that running away from him would only make it worse when he did catch me. So, I had to stand there, like a dog, and let him beat me. How is that…a favor?”
