Painful, page 40
But before we could slip off into the darkness, my shoulder was tapped on. It was difficult to pull away from Kiera, but I made myself do it. Looking to my side, I saw Lana standing there, politely waiting for my attention. That was when I remembered that I was supposed to be doing something. Oops.
I suddenly felt extremely unprofessional as Lana’s amused eyes flicked to Kiera. She probably thought I was making out with a groupie instead of rounding up the guys. I just hadn’t expected Griffin’s girls to distract me so much, and then I’d never even contemplated running into Kiera. All thought of my news had fled my mind long ago.
“Kellan, I’m ready for you,” Lana told me.
Not wanting to admit that I hadn’t even talked to the guys yet, I gave her a polite nod. “Okay, I’ll need a minute, though.”
Lana’s eyes scanned Kiera up and down. Yep, she definitely thought Kiera was just another fan, a fan I wanted to go have sex with. Shaking her head in amusement, Lana returned her eyes to me. She didn’t look upset or disappointed in any way, so maybe this was just expected behavior from a rock star. I didn’t feel like explaining to Lana that I wasn’t like that, and she probably wouldn’t believe me anyway, so I didn’t say anything.
Lana put a hand on my shoulder, then leaned forward so I could hear her better. “The conference room upstairs…when you’re ready.”
Polite smile on my face, I nodded at her. Lana threw another amused look Kiera’s way, then turned and left.
I felt Kiera’s hands slipping from my body. She had to be embarrassed about being caught like that. I wanted to apologize, but I suddenly realized…I could finally tell Kiera as well as finally tell the guys. I could get one of the weights off my chest with her. I could partially feel better whenever I talked to her. I could—almost—be set free.
When I turned back to face Kiera, I felt kind of…nervous. This was so monumental for me, so…unexpected. In all honesty, I was still waiting to wake up. Would telling Kiera about the record deal pop this fantasy for me, and I’d suddenly be back in my cramped cubby, wishing she was with me? Wishing I didn’t have so much to hide from her. God, I didn’t want to go back to that.
Kiera’s expression was oddly blank as I studied her. No emotion at all. The forced lack of anything in her features was worrisome. Was she upset? Why? She usually wasn’t mad when we got caught kissing. I wasn’t sure what was going on with her, but I couldn’t worry about it anymore. I wanted to tell her, I needed to tell her. I bit my lip as a weird wave of anxiety hit me. Don’t let me wake up.
“I need to tell you something…Can we talk?”
Kiera closed her eyes, like my words had somehow either hurt or angered her. She gave me a stiff nod, then abruptly turned and started walking away. What the hell? I followed in her wake as she forcefully weaved her way through people. She definitely seemed angry now. Because of the girls I’d been watching? I thought for sure she’d let that go…the way she’d been kissing me, it sure seemed like she’d let that go.
When we got somewhere a little less crowded, I grabbed her elbow, stopping her. She resisted me, and I had the weirdest feeling that if I let her go…I’d never see her again. Why is she so angry?
Confused and a little annoyed, I searched her face for clues. She stiffened, like she wanted to pull away. I wasn’t about to let her go. Not until I understood. “Hey, are you…mad at me?”
Fire was in her eyes as she raised her chin and tossed her bag off her shoulder to the ground. “No, why would I be mad?”
Exactly? Why? I shook my head and was about to ask her why she was acting mad, but she spoke first. “You’re only about to dump me for the hot celebrity look-alike that’s been stalking you for weeks. You’re only about to go have sex with her on an office table. You’re only about to crush me into a thousand pieces, and right after I exposed my chest to some jackass just to see you too!”
Kiera was fuming now, seething in anger, but I was so stunned, so confused, I had no idea what to respond to first. What the fuck was she talking about? Did she mean Lana? She thought that brief interaction was somehow me agreeing to go have sex with her? How the fuck did she get there? “Wait, you think…?” Before I could clarify my assumption, the last thing she’d said suddenly slammed into my brain, halting my train of thought. She exposed her…what? I had to have heard her wrong. “You did what to come see me?”
That was the wrong thing to focus on, and Kiera shoved me away from her and started storming off. I could practically see the hot, angry energy sizzling around her. Great. Way to calm her down. With a sigh, I swiftly grabbed her shoulders, turned her around, and backed her into a nearby wall so she couldn’t run away on me. So she would listen. “I am not dumping you. I am not about to have sex with her. And I am not going to crush you.”
I stared at her unflinchingly until her furious breaths calmed to a more normal level. Pain in her eyes, she searched my face. “Then what…is going on?”
Seeing she was more level-headed, I released her shoulders and shook my head. “Well, what I was going to tell you, before you leapt to that wild conclusion, is…” I bit my lip, excited, nervous, anxious. “We got signed.” I nodded upstairs. “That’s Lana. She’s a rep from the record company. She’s been following the tour, examining the bands…and she wants to sign us to her label.” The weight of releasing that secret made me giddy. The fact that I was still here, that I hadn’t woken up from some crazy dream made me damn-near delirious. I laughed, venting some of the energy, the disbelief. “We’re going to have a record, Kiera, an actual, professional record…Can you believe it?”
Kiera’s mouth dropped open, the green in her eyes deepening as they moistened. She looked amazed, happy, stunned…and still a little annoyed. She shoved my shoulders back, making me back up a step. “Why didn’t you tell me you were being scouted, jackass!”
She started smacking my chest, her earlier anger not entirely gone. I cringed away from her strikes, but I didn’t try and stop her from hitting me. I deserved a little light pummeling; I should have told her. “Because I really didn’t expect much. I didn’t think she’d pick us…and…” And I didn’t want you to see me fail. Your opinion is the only one that truly matters to me.
I stopped talking and Kiera stopped hitting me. Sighing, I grabbed her hands and peeked up at her. “I didn’t want to disappoint you…if she wasn’t interested in us. I know you think I’m going to go all the way…I didn’t want to let you down…” No. I couldn’t let you down. I couldn’t bear it. I’d rather have you never know, then face the disappointment in your eyes.
I looked down; it was like I could see it anyway. Hadn’t I already disappointed her by not telling her in the first place? Wouldn’t she be even more hurt if she knew what else I was hiding…? No. Don’t think about that. This is just about your job.
While I struggled with my guilt and pain, Kiera wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me tight. “God, Kellan, I’d never be disappointed in you…ever.” Pulling back, she cupped my cheeks and made me look at her; her eyes were even glossier. The emotion in them tore me open. “I’m so proud of you, of everything you do, and even if it ended right here, I’d be anything but disappointed in you.”
I knew that wasn’t entirely true, I could easily disappoint her if she knew I was withholding even more from her, but her words—her pride—struck me to my core. Pride was not something I was used to someone feeling for me. It hurt. It healed. Exhaling a long breath, I tried to let my torment go and focus on the matter at hand. My job. Lana was waiting.
Choking back the pain, I looked around us. “Well, I haven’t even told the guys yet…I didn’t want to jinx it, so we need to find them and get them upstairs to sign the legal stuff.” Feeling better, I looked back at her with a raised eyebrow. “That’s what’s going down on the conference room table…not sex.” My mood shifted even more and feeling playful, I grabbed her hips and pulled her into me. “But if you want to, once everyone is gone…I’d never tell you no.”
I started to laugh, but she grabbed my face and gave me a fierce kiss. I wanted to let the kiss continue, wanted to cave into her arms and let the fire take over again…but I really did need to do my job. Full of reluctance, I pulled away from her and grabbed her bag from the floor. “Come on, we’ve got to take care of this before it’s our turn onstage.” Grin on my face, I extended a hand to her. “They bumped us up the lineup; we play right under Justin’s band now. Pretty cool, huh?”
She leaned into my side. With a giggle and a nod, she said, “That’s amazing, Kellan.”
I mentally kicked myself for not mentioning that small detail to her earlier. I’d just been riding a cloud of denial lately. About a lot of things. At least one of my secrets was gone. I could almost breathe again.
Chapter 25
WHY NOW?
I searched for the guys as we walked along. If Matt wasn’t feeling social, then he was usually somewhere quiet, working on music. Evan had probably joined him. And Griffin…he was having sex with Anna somewhere. No doubt in my mind.
Feeling completely at peace for once, I smiled down at Kiera walking beside me. It still blew my mind that she was here. Just when I hadn’t been able to stand one more second without her…she arrived. It was the best gift I could have asked for—better than the record deal. Which reminded me…how did Kiera know about Lana?
“Hey, what did you mean when you said she’s been stalking me for weeks? How did you know about that?”
Kiera looked guilty when she peeked up at me. “Uh, Rachel put up this website, and fans have posted videos of your shows. I’ve been watching you…”
She’s been watching me? Hmmm…I like that. Just the thought of her sitting at home, watching me on stage gave me a thrill. If only it were a live feed, and I knew every time I went out there that she could see me, it would almost be like Pete’s again. I really missed knowing her eyes were on me. I preferred having her eyes on me.
Responding to her comment, I said, “She finally got that up and running, huh? Well, that should make Matt happy.” Although, he probably already knew. He’d probably told me at some point, and I’d just let it slide right out of my brain. Websites weren’t really my thing. Shaking my head a little, I released Kiera’s hand and slung my arm over her shoulders. “So, you’ve been checking up on me?” I teased.
Her voice was small when she answered me. “No…” I dropped my eyes down to hers. Liar. She cringed as she sighed. “Maybe…a little.”
I gave her a squeeze. “And was I being good?” I playfully asked. I already knew I was…since I wasn’t doing anything, but I wanted to know that Kiera knew that. Although…she’d been pretty quick to assume I was doing stuff with Lana. Had she been worrying about her?
Kiera opened and closed her mouth, making noises but no words. My brows bunched as a weird feeling started settling around me. She had been worrying about her. She’d thought I was messing around with Lana…she’d actually thought that. How long had she thought that? Why didn’t she say anything to me before? I would have told her if she’d asked. That I wouldn’t have lied about.
I wanted to ask her, wanted to find out why she hadn’t talked to me, but before I could, Griffin and Anna came into view. They looked disheveled…and satisfied. Great. I was going to hear about this visit for weeks. As much as Griffin might experiment with other girls…and the occasional, unintentional guy…Anna was his preferred dalliance. That much was obvious. To everyone but Griffin.
I nodded a greeting to Anna; she just smiled at me as she fixed her clothes. “Kell,” Griffin murmured, looking a little dazed. “How much time ‘til we’re up? I wanna…leave.”
Grinning, I shook my head. “Sorry, you can’t. We gotta go do something.”
He tilted his head, looking both confused and disappointed. He wouldn’t be for long. “Do what?” he whined.
Smacking his shoulder, I told him, “Sign a contract for a record deal.”
He just stared at me blankly, like I’d spoken a foreign language. Letting out a laugh, I quickly explained about Lana and the label, and the killer deal she’d worked out for us, and how we needed to go upstairs to sign the paperwork. When he finally understood, his mouth dropped open. “Are you fucking serious, right now?”
I nodded. “Yeah. It’s legit. We did it, man. We fucking did it.”
He started jumping up and down, laughing, screaming. The joy on his face made all the stress I’d been feeling lately totally worth it. Anna screamed and celebrated with him, her exuberance matching his. She congratulated both of us, and Griffin squeezed her so hard I was sure he was hurting her. Pulling away, he twisted back to me. “Have you told Matt yet?”
I shook my head. “No, I haven’t found him yet. I think he’s going over music with Evan somewhere.”
Griffin nodded, then he patted my shoulder. “I’m gonna go find them. We’ll meet you up there, man!” And then he was gone.
A few minutes later, Kiera, Anna, and I were in the elevator on our way upstairs. Dropping Kiera’s bag, I took the moment of near aloneness to wrap my arms around her. My mouth found hers, and the excitement of the moment poured into my kiss. I knew I was being a little too intense, considering Anna was watching, but Kiera didn’t back down from the passionate moment. Between breaks, I murmured, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this earlier…but I’m glad you’re here.”
I could feel her lips smiling as she threaded her fingers in my hair. “I’m glad I’m here too.”
She let me ravish her until the elevator stopped. I couldn’t wait to get this over with…so I could be alone with her. Grabbing her bag and her hand, I playfully asked. “So, anything you’ve been holding off on telling me?” Like how you got back here?
Before she could say anything, fate decided to fuck with me. My phone started ringing and buzzing in my pocket, making all kinds of noise like the damn thing wanted Kiera to be absolutely certain she heard it. Fuck me…why now? I swear to God, Gavin had the worst fucking timing. And I knew that was who it was. The guys had no reason to call me right now. I’d already talked to Hailey earlier in the evening; she’d been on her way to meet up with friends for a movie. And almost everyone else I knew would have sent a text. I couldn’t—and wouldn’t—answer the phone, but would Kiera think it was weird if I ignored it? Maybe, but what other choice did I have?
Not wanting to listen to the fucking ring anymore, I grabbed my phone, silenced it, and shoved it back in my pocket. He could leave a message. One I would never listen to.
I felt Kiera’s curious eyes on me as I purposefully ignored her, acting like nothing odd had just happened. Goddamn it. I knew I wasn’t handling this right. I knew I was filling her with doubt, probably hurting her, but fuck, I couldn’t handle how much acknowledging this—acknowledging him—would hurt me.
I’m so sorry, Kiera. I wish I could make you understand without actually letting you understand, but I can’t. You just have to trust me.
The longer Kiera stared at me, the tenser I became. Was she going to ask again? Would I have to fucking lie to her again? I didn’t want to; I still felt sickened by the last time I’d bluntly lied to her. Don’t ask. Just don’t ask, then I won’t have to flat-out lie to you. Please.
Much to my relief, she didn’t ask. The relief quickly shifted to guilt. And then worry. Why didn’t she ask? What did that mean? Fuck. Were we okay?
I suddenly wanted to confess all my sins, but we were in the conference room now, and Lana was looking at me expectantly. I didn’t have time to bear my soul to Kiera. I had a job to do. And besides…I still wasn’t actually capable of telling her. I could wish it…but I couldn’t say it.
* * *
Kiera was unnaturally quiet as Lana explained the details of the contract to the guys. I found myself only half listening to Lana as I contemplated what Kiera was thinking. How much had I worried her? When Lana was done and the guys had all read through the contract, I made myself refocus. This was important. We all needed to be on the same page if we were going to proceed.
Glancing between Matt and Evan, I asked, “What do you guys think?” I wasn’t a lawyer or anything, but the terms sounded fair to me. More than fair from other stories I’d heard. For starters, we’d get to keep control of our songs. That in and of itself was huge. We’d also have a say in what songs went on the album. Not final say, of course, but we’d at least have a voice.
Matt and Evan looked at each other. They still seemed a bit stunned and overwhelmed. By withholding this information from them, I hadn’t given them a lot of time to consider. But I knew their hearts, knew their dreams. This was what they wanted for the band, and I was fairly certain this deal was the best we’d get. I wasn’t worried about what Griffin thought; he’d say yes to anything that resulted in a professional album with him on the cover. But Matt and Evan…if just one of them said no, then that was it. We’d find something else, or we’d just go home and keep playing at Pete’s. And I was kind of okay with that option.
Matt and Evan smiled at each other before returning their eyes to me. “Yeah, we’re in,” Matt said with a nod. I couldn’t contain my grin. As much as going home sounded fantastic, I wanted this for them. And maybe…for myself too. Fuck. We were actually going to do this.
Lana showed us where to sign, and we all started putting pen to paper. Except Griffin. He was scowling at the paper like it had just bitten him or something. “Dude, Kell, did you read this? I don’t believe this shit!”
I wanted to sigh…because I had a good idea just what he was pissed about. And I didn’t want to discuss it here, in front of Kiera.
Matt laughed at Griffin’s comment, murmuring, “I don’t believe that you can actually read…”
