Painful, page 42
And that was when my phone chimed with a message. I knew exactly who it was from. Un-fucking-believable. Goddamn it, Gavin. Why won’t you just give up? I shut my eyes, willing the universe to just go my way for once. That’s it…I’m done. Life fucking hates me, and I fucking hate it right back. Opening my eyes, I stared at Kiera with a blank expression. It was all I could do. I had no explanations to give her, and I knew she wouldn’t let this one go. Now I was fucked.
Anger again simmered in Kiera’s eyes. “Do you need to get that?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. Absolutely not.
Everything about her tightened—her jaw, her eyes…her fists. “How do you know? It might be important?”
Why, why, why? Why was fate so determined to make my life hell? I let out a slow, calming breath. “You’re important…That can wait.” Forever.
Pain flashed over her face, eradicating her anger. “What can wait?” she whispered, looking deeply afraid of my answer.
I wanted to hold her, I wanted to comfort her, I wanted to tell her…but telling her wasn’t an option. I hated this. All of this. We’d gone through so much to be together, suffered so much pain to get to where we were, and here I was, hurting her again. I’d never wanted to hurt her again. I just wanted to love her. But my internal torment was too painful to share—sharing it would only amplify it. I knew I was being selfish, but I didn’t know what else to do. I slowly stepped up to her and moved to cup her cheek, hoping she would let me. When our skin connected, I poured my heart out and prayed it was enough.
“I’m not doing anything, baby. I love you. I’m being faithful to you.” I pointedly showed her my ring, my vow. “I promised…I promise.”
Dropping my forehead to hers, I begged for our relationship. And for my sanity. “We don’t have much time together. Please, just let this go…”
“Let what go?” she whispered, an ache in her voice.
The pain in my chest intensified, and I could feel my eyes stinging. I can’t. I can’t tell you. And yes, that kills me. Releasing a sigh of tension, I brought my lips to hers, seeking her comfort, her acceptance, even though I didn’t deserve either. “I love you, Kiera…please believe in me.” Please don’t leave me.
She didn’t say anything, but she kissed me back, and as our mouths moved together, I felt her body relaxing. She was letting it go. And as much as that relieved me, it hurt me too. I felt like I’d been whipped from head to toe. Maybe I was wrong…maybe this pain was greater than exposing my secret. Maybe I should tell her about Gavin. But how?
Chapter 26
DISTANCE
When I sensed Kiera was calmer, I broke apart from her. Quietly, I grabbed my shirt from the floor and put it back on. I indicated for her to lie down on my bed, and she crawled into my cubby. I climbed in after her, still silent as my mind spun. Her gaze took in all the things of value I kept around me—all things she and her family had given me. She fingered the toy car she’d given me for Christmas and a swell of loneliness filled me. That perfect moment was just a few months ago, but it felt like a lifetime.
There was something in the air between us now, something I hadn’t felt in a really long time. Distance. There was a gap in our connection, doubt in our love for each other…and I knew it was my fault. The guilt was excruciating. I’m ruining us. But fixing us…that would ruin me.
Hating all of my options, I kissed her shoulder and told her, “I love you…” Do you still love me? Or have I finally pushed you too far?
Her fingers tightened on the car as her gaze slowly met mine. My heart started beating harder as I waited for her to confirm her feelings…or confirm my fears. Finally, she said, “I love you too…”
The relief was instant, and not edged with pain this time. I hadn’t broken us yet. But how close was I to causing permanent damage? How much farther could I walk this line with her? Especially now when she knew I was withholding something from her. I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, then pulled out her guitar necklace and stroked the symbolic image of me. This would eat at her now, eat at us. I’m going to lose her if I don’t tell her. I have to tell her. Fuck.
My smile faded as words I didn’t want to say bubbled to the surface. “Kiera…I should tell you something…” Just saying that much made me feel ill. How do I get through this? Sadly, I already knew the answer. I couldn’t. I literally couldn’t say another word about it. Fuck. Did I just make things worse?
But before Kiera could realize my ineptitude, she said something unexpected. “I should tell you something too…”
Ice shot through my spine as I looked up at her face. Was she keeping things from me too? What would she possibly hide from me? That…friend she went to lunch with? “Tell me what?”
She started stammering for words, then her eyes started watering. Oh my God…was she cheating on me? Had she found someone else? A comforting presence to hold her while I was gone? I wanted to scream at her for an answer, but I also didn’t want to overreact. I had to give her the benefit of the doubt. I had to trust her, even if she didn’t trust me.
“Um, well…”
Someone banged on the bus door, then I heard Evan yell, “Kell? You and Kiera in there?”
I wanted to curse his timing…I wanted to thank him for his timing. Because I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to know what Kiera was keeping from me. By the guilt on her face, I already knew it was bad. But not knowing…How would I ever get that look in her eyes out of my mind now? Was this the beginning of the end for us? Just another tense, vocal, excruciating breakup on a bus that seemed to be teeming with pain? Not us. That can’t be our future. I have to be misreading her. I just have to be.
Sighing, I leaned over and shouted, “Yeah, we’re in here.”
I heard Evan enter the bus, then step up to the curtain blocking the sleeping area. I could feel his hesitation as he waited on the other side of the thick material. He awkwardly cleared his throat. “You, uh…dressed?”
The question eased some of my heartache, and a knot loosened as I laughed. “Yeah…what’s up?”
Like he didn’t believe me, he stayed on the other side of the curtain. “We’re on in ten, so, you know, we should get ready.”
Surprised, I sat up on my elbows. “Already? Damn…” I stood from the cubby as I heard Evan leaving. Looking back at Kiera, I grimaced. “I’m sorry…it’s our turn.”
She nodded, a trace amount of relief on her face. “I know.”
I tentatively held out my hand for her. There was still so much uncertainty between us, I really wasn’t sure if she’d accept it. She exhaled slowly, like she was fortifying herself. Then she stood up…and clenched my fingers tight. I’d never been so grateful for anything in my life. I kissed her hand, right over her ring. I’m not cheating, and I have to believe that you’re not either. Because I can’t face a reality where that’s not true.
Her eyes studied my face, stopping on my jaw, where I could still feel the sting of a small cut. Remorse filled her features, then she leaned up and softly kissed the tender spot. Her act of contrition was healing, and I felt some of the ice in my chest melting. I gave her a silent nod, accepting her apology. Then I tilted my head toward the exit. “Come on…want to watch our show?”
The girlish grin that came over her lightened my heart even more. She loved watching us perform, and I loved performing for her. I really missed her being in the audience, her eyes tearing through me, her mind absorbing every sound, every phrase, every hidden meaning. No one listened to me quite like Kiera did. Her scrutiny had hurt in the beginning, made me want to hide, but now…it just made me love her even more. She saw me, the real me. And thankfully, she loved what she saw.
After Kiera told me yes, we met up with Evan outside. He smiled at Kiera, tossing an arm over her shoulders. It made me happy that my friends liked Kiera, and she liked them too. Most of them. All of us getting along made this rollercoaster we were on a lot less stressful. If that ever changed…I didn’t know what I would do. But I had enough current problems without worrying over imaginary ones.
I felt more energized than usual during the show. Maybe it was because the pressure was off now that we were officially signed. Maybe it was because Kiera was here with me, watching me. Or maybe it was a combination of the two. For whatever reason, it was the best show we’d done so far. It electrified me.
The guys drifted off after our set, while I scooped Kiera into my arms, near delirious with joy that she was here. We ended up staying near the stage to watch Avoiding Redemption play, then we headed backstage where I signed a few last-minute autographs for fans. I took a little too long doing it, and Kiera was almost outed by security. Rescuing her from being evicted reminded me that she didn’t have the necessary clearance to be back here in the first place. What had she said earlier? So much had happened since then, I really couldn’t remember. Other than the fact that she was going to kill her sister for it.
Holding her hand as we headed for the exit, I smiled and said, “That little incident reminds me…What exactly did you do to get backstage?”
She ran a hand down her face, like she was mortified just thinking about it. “You don’t want to know,” she murmured.
With a laugh, I twisted around so I was walking backward, facing her. “Now I definitely want to know.” Raising an eyebrow, I waited for her to tell me.
She still looked reluctant, but eventually she spilled. “I flashed the guy at the door.”
I hadn’t expected her to say that, although, now that she had, I seemed to recall her saying something about exposing her chest. What the fuck? Anger and shock flooded through me, stopping me in my tracks. “You what?” She has to mean something else.
She ran into me, not expecting me to suddenly stop. Backing up a step, she shook her head. “He wouldn’t let us through until Anna and I showed him our chests. I kept my bra on, though…Anna didn’t.”
I was actually seeing red as venom ripped through my veins. Apparently, Paul wasn’t the only person here with a death wish. How dare someone ask her to do that. My entire body felt tight with pent-up rage. “What did he look like?” I bit out. I was already scanning the hallway, looking for the asshole. One word of a description was all I needed, and I’d be off to find the dick.
Kiera’s tender fingers on my face distracted me. “Hey, it’s okay. It was mortifying and humiliating, but he didn’t hurt me or anything. He didn’t even touch me.”
Her words were calming…and confusing. It was all just so…unlike her. I exhaled a slow, steady breath, trying to quiet the anger. “Why would you do that? You could have called me…I would’ve let you in.”
She sighed, and there was something in the sound that sparked a realization. Rubbing my cheek, she said, “I wanted to surprise you.”
Maybe. But that wasn’t all it was. “You thought I was sleeping with Lana. Did you want to surprise me…or catch me?”
Kiera bit her lip. She shook her head and said, “I don’t know,” but I saw the true answer in her eyes. Yes. That was exactly why she didn’t call me. She thought she’d catch me in the act, confirming her suspicions.
The fury was suddenly back full force and, dropping her hand, I turned around and stormed outside. It didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do, because she was never going to fucking trust me. How could we possibly stay together if she didn’t trust me?
The buzz of bodies around the buses was aggravating my anger. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to stew and process and try to figure out how we got past this…obstacle. But the more I thought about it, the less angry I became. Didn’t I have doubts? Wasn’t I constantly afraid of losing her? Could I really blame her for wondering, especially knowing that she’d seen some odd, unexplained familiarity between Lana and me? And in all fairness, I had been hiding Lana from her. I was still hiding things from her. Was this all my fucking fault? Yes. It was.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, shaking me from my dark thoughts. I looked up to see Evan watching me with concern on his face. “What’s wrong?” he asked, handing me my guitar case. He flicked a glance back at the door, probably searching for Kiera. I had no idea if she had followed me or not.
I swallowed the knot in my throat as I wondered what to tell him. All I ended up saying was, “Relationships are…hard.”
He sighed, then nodded. Lifting an eyebrow, he told me, “Our life is weird. And that makes it even harder. Whatever is going on, just try and remember that. It’s not the two of you…it’s the situation. It would test anyone’s faith…” He frowned after he said it, and I suddenly wondered if he and Jenny occasionally struggled with their own doubts and fears. Oddly, I found it reassuring to know I wasn’t alone. And he was right. It was a fucked-up life we led, but that didn’t mean it had to fuck us up, not if I didn’t let it. I couldn’t blame Kiera for doubting me. She wasn’t here, she didn’t see. All I could do was relentlessly reassure her. Every time I talked to her, if necessary.
Smiling at Evan, I nodded. “Thanks, man.”
I turned to see Kiera hesitantly approaching me. Warm smile on my face, I reached out for her hand, so she would know I wasn’t angry. Evan clapped my shoulder, then left to get on the bus. Kiera seemed disheartened when she realized we weren’t staying here. “Are you leaving?” she asked.
I told her that we were, and that our next stop was Reno. Matt had mentioned it earlier, and Griffin had been ecstatic. He couldn’t wait to visit little Las Vegas, as he called it. Not wanting to part ways with Kiera yet, not when things still felt so…raw, I said, “You could come with me? Catch a flight home from there?”
Slinging my guitar over my shoulder, I wrapped my arms around her. She slipped hers around me, a soft smile on her face. Then she frowned and started objecting, mainly about not wanting to lose her round-trip plane ticket. I knew she didn’t have my resources, and I knew she didn’t want my money, but really…in the grand scheme of things, what was more important? Time or money? It was a simple answer for me. I would happily buy her a new ticket to be with her longer. Hell, I would happily buy her ten more tickets if it meant I got to spend the night with her. Money was nothing. She was everything. You’re just going to have to let me do this for you.
It took a little convincing, but she finally conceded when I put it as bluntly as I could. “I want some more time with you.”
She let out a peaceful sigh. “All right, but only if Anna goes too. I don’t want to leave her alone here.”
I had to smirk at that. “I’m sure she’s attached to Griffin as we speak.” Again, no doubt in my mind. A fact that was confirmed when we stepped onto the bus and were greeted with the familiar sound of people screwing. I had to grin and shake my head at my eager, horny bassist. This should satisfy him for a while. Hopefully.
Kiera had an adorable, uncomfortable expression on her face when she realized what she was hearing. She was so cute. I started leading her to the table where I’d tossed her bag earlier, and as I did, my gaze washed over Paul sitting at the back of the lounging area. I narrowed my eyes at him and had to forcibly resist the urge to walk over there and beat the smirk off his face. Later.
Brushing aside that piece of shit annoyance, I set down my guitar and told Kiera, “I could go get my Discman, if you don’t want to listen to them?”
She looked horrified by my suggestion, and she grabbed my arm so hard, her nails bit into my skin. “No!”
I started laughing as I sat beside her on the bench seat. She must not realize they were in the back. Probably because I hadn’t shown her the entire bus. “It’s okay,” I told her. “They’re probably in the back bedroom.”
She frowned at me, looking a little disappointed. “There’s a back bedroom?” Clearly, she was wondering why we hadn’t stripped down back there. Considering what had happened, I kind of wished we had.
I made a pained face so she would understand I’d been doing her a favor. “Yeah…Griffin’s kind of taken it over, though, so I figured you wouldn’t want to…hang out in there.” It also wasn’t exclusively Griffin’s love nest. I was sure she really wouldn’t want to know that. She looked disturbed enough. And again, that knowledge might make her doubt me. Even more than she already did.
“Yeah, no thanks,” she murmured.
The driver did his headcount—asking with annoyance on his face who was gettin’ busy in the back—and then we were off. I kept my head down as the bus started moving and tried really hard not to listen to Anna and Griffin, but damn…those two were not quiet. The sounds coming from their room reminded me of listening to their first night together. That hadn’t been a good night for me—at all—but the look on Griffin’s face the next morning…God. Now that I wasn’t upset over the memory, I could be entertained by it. Anna had nearly destroyed him. In a good way.
I was roused from my thoughts by Kiera asking me a serious question. “Are you mad at me?”
The smile on my face fell as I looked over at her. Shaking my head, I pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. “No, I’m not.” I sighed as I studied her, feeling weary again. “I get it, Kiera. I get why you’d have doubts, I get why you’d question…” My gaze fell to our laced fingers. “I wish…” I wish things were different. I wish our story was different. I wish we’d met while you were single, fell in love cleanly, and never hurt each other. I wish we trusted each other. But there’s no point in wishing. We are what we are.
Looking back up at her, I said, “It’s okay, I get it, and I’m not mad.” I have no right to be. Because this is all my fault.
She let out a slow exhale as she nodded. I wrapped my arm around her, holding her tight. It was all I could do.
Eventually Anna and Griffin finished for the night and emerged from the back. I rolled my eyes as most of the guys on the bus cheered and whistled in approval. Don’t encourage him, please. I watched Kiera as she watched her sister, wondering what she was thinking. Was she embarrassed for her? Or was she wishing she could be like her? She shouldn’t wish that…she was perfect just the way she was.
