Painful, page 14
But I needed to stop thinking about that. Focus on the good stuff, Kellan. Not the shit you’re afraid of.
Forcing the disturbing thoughts out of my head, I focused instead on something positive. Anything positive. We were about to have a great time. I could picture it—the four of us, clowning around on the bus, driving each other crazy, picking on each other, dying laughing… It really was going to be fun. Just…not for all of us. Our girls were going to be miserable while we were gone. At least…I thought they would be sad.
While Kiera told me all the time that she was going to miss me, and she did have brief moments of melancholy, she never seemed truly heartbroken, not like how she’d been when Denny had left her. Sometimes I felt like I was struggling with this more than she was, but then I remembered what she’d said to me the night I’d told her about the tour. I remembered her telling me that she’d grown, matured, and that she felt more secure about being alone. She’d told me that she loved me more than Denny. She loved me enough to not make a scene, to not put a stop to this…to let me go. She had already decided that she wasn’t going to stand in the way of this dream. Maybe that was why she seemed fine. She was fine because she truly believed we were going to be fine. I needed to remember that and stop letting the “what ifs” kick my ass. Hope for the best, and maybe it will happen.
But even still, I had to imagine the actual goodbye was going to be really hard on her. Seeing her pain was going to undo me. I wasn’t even sure if I could do it—I’d never been good at saying goodbye to her.
I tried not to think about it too much, but every day it got harder to do. I didn’t want to think about the moment we left—that actual minute in time when we had to say goodbye to each other. When I had to say goodbye to her—that was going to kill me, I was sure. It felt too huge to think about…too devastating. If only there was some way to make our last moments fun, for everyone. But how could we possibly make leaving…enjoyable?
And that was when it hit me. Grinning, I looked over at Evan. He was smiling as he absentmindedly stared out the window, lost in a daydream, and it took him a second to notice my attention. “What?” he asked.
Since we were at a stop sign and no one was around, I twisted in my seat to face him. “We should have a party after our last show. Invite the whole bar.” Just saying it started easing the tension around my heart. If I could give Kiera an epic, fun-filled night, maybe the sting of separation wouldn’t be so bad. For her…and for me. For a minute at least.
Evan’s smile grew. “Like a going-away party? Yeah, that would be awesome. We could have it at Matt’s, since his place is a bit bigger than yours, and his street is pretty quiet.” He paused, then nodded. “Yeah, I think that would help make it…easier to leave.”
I had a feeling he was specifically talking about Kiera and me when he said that. Since I whole-heartedly agreed, I didn’t ask him to clarify. Mind made up, I pulled away from the stop sign and made a U-turn. Evan glanced around the area, his grin shifting into a frown. “Where are you going?”
Smiling wider, I nodded my head in the direction of Matt and Griffin’s place. “Matt’s. Might as well ask him now.”
Evan glanced at the sun. “It’s still kind of early. Why don’t we just wait and ask him at rehearsal?”
I bit my lip, not wanting to answer him. With my departure looming like a thunderstorm in the distance, Kiera and I had been spending as much time together as possible, which meant, I’d been slacking off on my duties as much as possible. I hadn’t missed a show, but rehearsals… Like Evan had mentioned, I’d been hit-or-miss on those. Okay, I’d been miss-or-miss on those.
Evan sighed after studying my face. “Kell…if you keep missing rehearsal, Matt’s gonna lose it. Like seriously lose it.”
Picturing my angry, control-freak of a guitarist, I nodded. “Yeah, I know. I won’t miss it,” I said, glancing over at him. “I’ll be there.”
An amused sound left him as he shook his head. “Yeah…I’ve heard that before.”
Smiling, I slightly changed my answer. “I’ll try to be there?” An attempt was better than nothing, right?
Evan laughed a little more. “Uh-huh, sure.”
We drove along in silence for a minute, and I tried very hard not to picture Matt’s head exploding from the stress I was about to cause him in a few hours. But I knew, without a doubt, he was going to be pissed at me. Again. Because after Evan and I were done with errands, I was picking Kiera up from school and staying glued to her side all night long. Matt be damned. And I was pretty sure Evan knew that.
After another moment of silence, I glanced at him again. “You know I’m not actually going to be there, right?”
Head laid back on the seat, Evan smiled over at me. “Yep, I know.”
I let out a laugh. “Okay, just checking.”
When we pulled into Matt’s driveway, I was damn-near giddy. Doing something to make Kiera happy always put a grin on me, and I was going to make sure she liked this party. Every last second with her was going to be memorable, and I felt the fog of despair lifting from me.
Evan shook his head at me as we got out of my car. “Where was this guy twenty minutes ago? He might not have gotten smacked.”
Frowning at him, I started walking to the front door. “The other guy can come back any second, you know.”
Evan let out a dramatic sigh. “Yeah, I know.” He grinned. “That’s one of the most entertaining things about hanging out with you. We never know who we’re gonna get.”
My frown deepened at his comment, but then, proving him right about my mood swings, I shifted it to a grin. Kiera often said the same thing. Moody artist, she called me. I’d take it. Being moody was a hell of a lot better than being numb. I knew that for a fact.
Wondering if Matt would even be awake, I did a couple of quick taps on his door with my knuckle. It cracked open a moment later, then Matt’s pale eyes were looking at me in disbelief. “Holy shit. Are you showing up for rehearsal? This early?” His jaw dropped, like he really couldn’t believe it, but I knew he was just being a smartass. We didn’t rehearse here.
I smirked at him as he stepped back to let me into the house. Looking around, I instantly started planning the party. Beer there, games there, dancing there…sex there…this was going to be great. “No, I’m not here for that, I just uh…I had a question.”
Matt nodded a greeting at Evan then closed the door. Lifting an eyebrow, he grinned as he shook his head at me. “You know they make these things called phones, right?”
I narrowed my eyes at Matt while Evan tried to contain a laugh. They liked teasing me about my technology issues almost as much as they liked teasing Griffin for being…well, Griffin. “Evan and I were wondering…you cool with having a party at your house?” I asked.
Matt shrugged. “Sure. Tonight?”
I shook my head. “No…after our last show. Right before we leave.”
He tilted his spikey blond head at me. “You want to trash my house the night before we leave for six months? Do you have any idea how bad that’s gonna smell when we get back?”
I pursed my lips. He had a point. And none of us were going to want to spend any time the next morning cleaning up. I was about to suggest we could hire someone to do it, when Evan said, “I’ll talk to Jenny. I’m sure she won’t mind cleaning up after us.” He paused to raise an eyebrow. “This one time.”
Grinning at Evan’s solution, I looked back at Matt. “So? What do you think?”
He shrugged. “Sure, sounds like fun.”
Excited, I slapped my hands together, making a loud clap. From the bedrooms, I heard Griffin yell, “Shut the hell up! People are sleeping!”
Matt shook his head and yelled back, “Person. One person is sleeping. Alone. Because he struck out last night.” He looked back at me. “It was priceless, man. You should have seen it.”
I smiled at his comment, but honestly, I’d seen Griffin strikeout enough for one lifetime. And I’d seen him hit a home run enough for one lifetime. Just thinking about it made a shudder go through me. It was kind of baffling that Griffin was still hitting on random girls when Anna, for some reason, was a guaranteed yes for him—and probably a thousand times hotter than any other girl he might otherwise have a chance with. But maybe Anna had been working, and he’d gotten impatient. Griffin wasn’t very good at waiting. For anything.
Griffin’s door opened and angry footsteps started thudding down the hall. Matt was already laughing. I sighed. Maybe he was right, maybe I should have just called.
“Fuck you, dude,” Griffin spouted at Matt. His hair was a disheveled mess from just waking up, his face was wrinkled from his pillow, and he was only wearing boxer-briefs. Sure, it was early, but it wasn’t that early.
Griffin’s pale, tired eyes acknowledged Evan, then shifted to me. “Hey, Kell. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be out screwing Kiera somewhere. Isn’t that your thing now?”
My eyes widened at hearing him say that. Wow. Griffin was being pissy because I was missing rehearsals? He was the one always telling us that rehearsals were a waste of time. But then I saw Griffin glare at Matt, and I knew the truth. Matt was being pissy. And when Matt was being pissy, he usually took it out on Griffin. I was getting transferal pissiness.
Not wanting Matt to remember my many absences and start in on me, I told Griffin the good news. “Just planning a party at your house.”
His face instantly lit up. “Oh, yeah! When? Right now?” He looked around like he expected women to come out of the walls or something.
I shook my head. “No, for later. Matt will fill you in.”
Griffin rubbed his hands together. “Party at the Hancocks’! Ain’t no party like a Hancock party, ‘cause a Hancock party don’t stop…” He kept singing to himself as he gyrated to music only he could hear.
Grimacing, I looked over at Evan. “We should go.”
Evan had the exact same look on his face as he watched Griffin air-smacking an invisible girl’s ass. “Yeah…”
Matt shook his head. “Hold up, I want to show you something.”
Evan and I shared a look, then we both looked back at Griffin. He was still singing to himself…and dirty dancing by himself. Basically, entertaining himself while we looked on in a mixture of disgust and amusement. Typical Griffin.
“Yeah, sure…what?” I asked.
Matt nodded to his kitchen. “In here.” He glanced at Griffin, grimaced, then hurried away. We gratefully followed him as Griffin started humping the back of a chair. “God, he’s got issues,” Matt groaned when we were safely out of eyesight.
Evan laughed, then asked Matt, “What’s up?”
Matt walked over to a pile of papers on the counter. “I was going to show you this at rehearsal, but…” he paused to glare at me. “Maybe it’s better to show you now.”
I gave him an innocent I have no idea why you might be mad at me smile. Matt rolled his eyes, but thankfully didn’t start yelling at me. I think he understood that this was hard for me. Well, hopefully he understood. “As you know, the soundproofing material finally arrived, so I made some plans on how we could set it up. I know it doesn’t really matter now…since we’re leaving soon…but it would be nice to have it ready when we get back.”
Loving the sound of those words—get back—I nodded. “Sounds good, let’s see ‘em.”
He started going into the specifics, showing us his multiple drawings, but I kept noticing things around the room, distracting things…entertaining things. Too curious to not say anything, I interrupted Matt. “Okay, I have to ask…what’s up with all the sticky notes?”
Matt sighed as he looked around the room. There were neon-colored bits of paper scattered everywhere. There had to be at least a hundred of them, and they were stuck on everything. “Griffin. I left him one note in the bathroom, asking him to…clean up if he missed…and his response was…well, this,” he said, his finger circling the room.
I snorted, then moved closer to read some of them. A lot of them were gross, having to do with every single fluid that came out of the human body: Don’t come on this, don’t pee here, etc. Reading the one on the coffeepot almost ruined coffee for me. I even gagged a little after reading it. A lot of the notes had to do with Matt’s cock, and where he shouldn’t put it: the toaster, the oven…the freezer. But the majority of the notes said the same thing: Don’t be a dick today.
Looking back at Matt, I smirked. “There appears to be a theme.”
He rolled his eyes, then smiled. “Just wait until he sees what I’m gonna do to his bed later.”
I almost warned him that whatever his plan was, he might not like the way Griffin retaliated to his bed being messed with, but…I was too damn curious to see what happened, so I kept my mouth shut.
As I stepped back, taking in the room—plastered with all of Griffin’s nasty little messages—as a whole, an idea began to form. A wonderful, fabulous, inspiring idea…an idea I almost couldn’t believe was born from Griffin’s grotesqueness. I knew exactly how I was going to make Kiera think about me while I was gone. It was perfect—fun, lighthearted, but with a chance to be a little serious too. And romantic as hell. I couldn’t wait to get started.
Chapter 9
PREPARATIONS
The next several days flew by, and not just because I was dreading my upcoming separation from Kiera. No, instead of dwelling, I’d found something fun and productive to occupy my free time. Operation Keep Kiera in Love with Me was in full effect.
I already had a drawer full of little notes that I was going to leave for her to find. A scavenger hunt seemed a lot more entertaining than just leaving them out in the open like Griffin had. Some of the notes were funny, some sweet, some downright naughty—a little bit of everything…just like me. Now I was starting in on the bigger projects: letters. There were a few things I wanted to say to her that couldn’t be said on a small piece of paper. Okay, there were a lot of things I wanted to say to her, but I was making myself stop at just a handful of letters. Any more than a couple and she might realize just how desperate I really was.
I’d just finished the one I wanted to leave for her the night we left. It was sweet, playful…sexy as hell. I had high hopes she’d be turned on after reading it—that would definitely assure I was in her thoughts all night long. The one I was currently writing was anything but lighthearted. It was my soul, laid bare and bleeding. I planned on hiding this one really well, so it was the last thing she found. The idea for the letter had started out as a romantic one, but it was quickly becoming…painful.
I hid this one in the hopes that you would find it long after I’m gone. I hope you find this, months from now, when I’m still out there, on the road, away from you. I can’t imagine what the time apart has done to us. I’m hoping we’re closer. I’m hoping we’re more in love than ever. I’m hoping that when I come back, you’ll move in with me. In all honesty, I’m hoping that when I come back, you’ll agree to marry me someday. Because that’s what I want, what I dream about. You, mine, for the rest of my life. I hope you feel the same…because I don’t know what I would do without you. I love you so much. But, if for some reason we’re not closer, if something has come between us, please, I’m begging you…don’t give up on me. Stay. Stay with me. Work it out with me. Just don’t leave me…please.
* * *
I love you, always,
Kellan
Agony filled my chest as I stared at the words that had just poured out of me. Agony, hope…and uncertainty. I couldn’t say this to her, it was too much…too needy…too overwhelming. Dropping the pen, I considered crumpling it up and throwing it away. Maybe burning it. It was going too far, even I knew that. And I was basically asking her to marry me in a letter, and I shouldn’t do that. We weren’t there yet, and…I wasn’t sure if that was even what she wanted from me. Just moving back in together sometimes felt like it was…unobtainable.
But what if…what if my fears about us were right. What if we had drifted apart by the time she found this? Maybe…maybe this outpouring of hope and pain could start to pull us back together. Maybe if she knew what my vision of our future looked like, she’d feel more connected to me. Or maybe I’d just look like a gigantic idiot.
Grunting in frustration, I put my fingers over the paper, ready to destroy it. But still…I couldn’t. I did want to marry her someday…and I wanted her to know that. I wanted her to know everything about me, even if it made me seem weak. I was weak after all. Barely stitched together.
With my heart beating harder, and my stomach churning like I was going to be sick, I added the letter to the stack of completed notes on my bed. Fuck it. Holding back my feelings from her had only ever hurt us. What harm could oversharing really do?
God, I felt raw though, like when I’d told her I loved her for the first time. I needed to switch gears, do something…fun for her. Standing from my bed, I flexed my fingers and rolled my shoulders, trying to ease the tension that had suddenly coiled around every nerve ending in my body. It’s fine…she’ll feel the same. She’ll love it. She loves you.
Shaking my head in a vain attempt to purge the demons, I looked around the room for something else I could do for her. All I could focus on was my bed though, and there was nothing really romantic about it. But…maybe sexy. Hmmm…
Feeling better already, I shoved my notes in the bottom dresser drawer and left my bedroom. I know I have a camera around here somewhere…
Twenty minutes later, I found an old digital camera that Griffin had left here a long time ago. I made sure there was nothing already on it, and then I returned to my bedroom to get down to business. A steamy visual of me to keep Kiera entertained while I was gone sounded perfect. Stripping down to my birthday suit, I laid on the bed and tried to take some sexy pics for Kiera. I’d have to hide this surprise well too…definitely wouldn’t want her finding it too soon.
