Painful, page 25
The guy on my left immediately dealt me in. “Poker. We’re playing for beds.” That made me frown. Great. Looks like I was getting last choice. Oh well, didn’t matter.
Names were exchanged as we started playing. Flicking my eyes around the bus, I saw my friends talking, laughing, having a good time. I took a peek outside, and all I saw were barren hills. We must have crossed over to Eastern Washington already. Then I saw a sign for a city, and I blinked in surprise. We were well into Eastern Washington, an hour or so from our destination. Damn. I’d been more tired than I’d realized.
A part of me wanted to call Kiera again, wanted to know if she was still okay. But I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t check up on her every five minutes. I should let her do what she needed to do, and I should trust that what she needed to do wouldn’t hurt me. Faith, right?
“You lose, man.” The guy across from me—Mark—was grinning as he laid down his cards. And I could see he was right; my lone King didn’t stand a chance against his three of a kind. Oops. I probably should have folded. “Poker isn’t your game, is it?” he said with a laugh.
Smiling, I shook my head. “No, definitely not.”
He drummed his fingers on the table for a second, then peeked back at the cubbies. “I’m gonna go stake my claim. Nice meeting you, Kellan.”
Mark stood up, the other guys following as they sorted out which beds they wanted. I didn’t care, so I stayed put. Griffin sat down once the table was empty. “Dude…I’m bored.”
I sighed as I looked him over. Griffin needed constant entertainment, and he wasn’t the kind of person who could entertain himself for long. He needed an audience. God, this was going to be such a long tour. “Sorry?” I nodded my head at the other people picking out their sleeping arrangements. “Why don’t you go find somewhere to sleep.”
Shaking his head, he tossed his hand toward the bunks. “I already snagged the bed in the back.”
Eyebrows raised, I looked toward the back of the bus. There’s an actual bed? I should probably get up and explore my new home. I just hadn’t felt like moving yet. My body, my head, my heart, everything felt…heavy.
Griffin leaned forward, smacking the table, and I twisted back to face him. “We need to talk,” he stated.
Pursing my lips, I wondered what the hell he wanted to talk about with me. Oh…maybe me manhandling him earlier. “Hey, yeah, sorry about getting in your face this morning. I’m just really sick of you trying to get into Kiera’s pants.”
He raised an eyebrow at me. “Why? You think she’d actually say yes?”
“No,” I answered with a smile. He was the only person I was a thousand percent positive Kiera would never touch.
Griffin smirked, like he knew that. “Then why are you such a dick about it?”
I opened my mouth, then shut it. He kind of had a point…which was weird. “It bothers her, okay. But…yeah, I’m sorry for being a dick.”
He waved his hand at me. “We’re cool, no worries. That wasn’t what I wanted to talk about anyway.”
“Okay…what did you want to talk about?”
His grin grew delighted. “Groupies. What do you think it’s gonna be like? Think there will be a bunch of them? Like, different ones at every show…begging us to fuck ‘em?”
I sighed at him right as Evan and Matt rejoined us. “I don’t know, man. I don’t care.”
Griffin’s jaw dropped, like I’d just said I was taking a vow of chastity. Which, in a way, was exactly what I’d said. “Don’t care? How can you not care?”
Now it was my turn to raise an eyebrow at him. “I’m with Kiera.” Remember? We were just talking about her?
Griffin still looked confused though. He looked around the bus like he was expecting to see her. I wish. “Uh, not right now, dude.”
Evan frowned at Griffin. Matt was munching on some chips, smiling as he idly watched us like we were his favorite television show. I sighed again. “What we have doesn’t stop just because she’s not here. I’m not dicking around on her.” Did he really not get that?
Apparently, he didn’t. “Why not? She’d never know.”
He narrowed his eyes at Evan and Matt, like he was daring them to break our sacred bond, or some crap like that. I honestly didn’t know if they would tell on me or not. Not that they’d have to; I wasn’t going to cheat on Kiera. But…if they fooled around on their girlfriends…well, damn, yeah…I didn’t think I’d mention it to Jenny or Rachel. It kind of sickened me to admit that, because I really liked them, but the guys were my family, and I couldn’t betray their trust like that. I would most-definitely kick their asses and pretty much force them to confess though. And then I’d kick their asses again for being dumbshits. I really didn’t think I’d have to worry about that though. Evan and Matt…they weren’t like Griffin.
Lifting my eyebrows, I tried to get Griffin to understand. “I would know.”
His lips twisted as he studied me. “That’s just…weird. Why are you even a rock star?”
Matt sniggered while Evan rolled his eyes. I shook my head a little, then shrugged. “I like the music? I like performing? You know, it is possible to have fun with your pants on, Griffin.” Matt choked on the chip he was eating and started cough-laughing. I supposed that was kind of a strange thing for me to say, and I chuckled as Matt struggled to breathe.
Griffin rolled his eyes. “Ugh…God. You guys are so lame. Why did you all have to get in relationships right before we hit it big?”
Evan smiled at him, amusement in his eyes. With a laugh, I told Griffin, “We haven’t hit anything. And you can’t stop yourself from falling in love. It’s just not possible.” Trust me, if I could have turned it off, there were multiple times when I would have done just that.
Griffin scoffed at my explanation. “Uh, sure you can. Just don’t do it, simple as that.” Scowl on his face, Griffin shook his head as he looked at us. “You will never see me as whipped as you guys. It’s pathetic.”
Matt clapped him on the shoulder. “We’re not stopping you, dude. If you wanna be a slut, go right ahead. They’re all yours.”
Griffin brightened, like he just now realized what this could mean for him. “Holy shit, you’re right. Since all you fuckers are doing the monogamous thing…they are all mine. I have no competition…” He smacked the table again. “Fuck yeah, you guys should get married. Leave all the poon to me.” Matt’s face went bright red; Evan just laughed. I sighed. Trust me, Griff, that’s exactly what I want to do. I just don’t know if that’s what Kiera wants.
* * *
When we finally got to the venue in Spokane, I had to say…I was impressed. The place was a lot larger than I’d expected. There were a surprising number of things we had to do once we got out of the bus: directions to listen to, equipment to help with, and most surprising of all…radio interviews. I really wasn’t sure why someone would want to interview us, since they didn’t know us from Adam, but the tour manager had lined up something for all the bands, which was nice, so I dutifully did my part and called in so I could answer random questions about our music. It was weird, but kind of fun.
After that, all the bands went through a quick rehearsal. Matt’s cheeks were pale when we stepped onto the stage to perform in front of nobody. The look on his face was understandable though, considering it was him and he pretty much hated the spotlight. The room we were in was huge; it would hold a shit-ton of people. I couldn’t wait.
Before I knew it, the show was about to start, and the energy in the backstage area started making me anxious. But in a good way. I was raring to go. Fans started coming in, mixing with the artists. It kind of reminded me of being back at the bar. Everyone walking around, mingling, laughing, drinking…flirting. Girls came up to me, interest in their eyes as they asked if I was in one of the bands. I nodded politely, then asked them which band they were here to see. Not surprisingly, most of the girls were here to see Justin’s band; he was the main draw on the tour.
It was kind of weird to not have anyone recognize me, but it was kind of nice too. It reminded me of when the D-Bags had first started playing in Seattle. Just an unknown band disrupting everyone’s meal with some loud-ass music. Good times.
“Oh my God…are you in Avoiding Redemption?”
I stopped scanning the room to look at the shaking girl in front of me. Her eyes were so wide as she studied me that it was almost alarming. Wanting her to relax, I smiled softly. “No…I’m with the D-Bags…we’re at the bottom of the poster there.” I pointed to the promo poster she was clenching for dear life.
“Oh wow…” she said, her eyes not leaving my face. “Wow…you’re just…wow…”
Her reaction made a laugh escape me. If this girl were Kiera, she’d be bright red by now, trying to get away from me to hide her embarrassment. Ugh…God, I missed her—her sultry eyes undressing me, her breath on my skin, her fingertips running down my chest, her smile, her heart… I hadn’t had time to call her since arriving here, and we were going to start any minute. She was working anyway. I’d have to wait until after Pete’s closed to talk to her.
Trying to not let the melancholy alter my mood, I said to the girl, “Would you like me to sign that?”
She instantly shoved it in my face. “Yes…” Her voice was both a purr and a moan.
Shaking my head, I took the Sharpie from her rigid fingers, and signed my name next to the band’s name. I handed the pen back to her, and she held the poster to her chest like it was her most prized possession. “D-Bags…I’ll definitely remember that.” Then she brightened and said, “Take a selfie with me?” Before I could even say, “Sure,” she had her phone out and was leaning into my side snapping a pic. I barely had time to give her a small grin for the photo. “Thanks!” She hurried away, giggling as she stared at her phone, and I swear I heard her say, “Hot damn.”
Hearing Evan’s laugh behind me, I turned to see him and Matt standing there, grinning at me. “What?” I asked.
Evan shook his head. “Everywhere we go…”
Matt nodded at him. “I know, right? He’s the best form of marketing we have.” He frowned. “He should be wearing our band shirt, like all the time, twenty-four-seven.” From the contemplative look in his pale eyes, I could tell he was actually serious about that. He wanted me to be a walking, talking billboard everywhere we went. I don’t think so.
Not liking the idea of Matt dressing me every morning, I rolled my eyes and angled my head toward the stage. “Come on, let’s go see how packed it is.”
Leaving the backstage area, I started heading for the entrance to the stage. I just had to know how many people were out there…because I could hear them. Even through the noise and laughter of the people behind the scenes, I could make out the steady buzz of thousands of people talking. Evan and Matt nodded and followed me, Matt chewing on his lip. Griffin stayed behind to flirt with a group of giggling girls, his hopeful groupies. Weaving our way through various people, we eventually found the area directly behind the stage. Security was even tighter here, as was the noise. There was a huge curtain, mostly closed, blocking the entrance to the stage. Wondering if security would stop us, I slowly approached. They did glance our way, but after we flashed them our credentials, they let us pass.
Giddy, I moved the curtain aside and stepped forward onto the stairs, so I could get a good look at the crowd beyond the stage. My jaw dropped as I stared at them all. The crowd was massive, like one giant swarming mess of bodies. This place wasn’t as huge as a stadium show, but it was way bigger than what we were used to. Way bigger than Pete’s. God, I wished Kiera was here to see this. She’d probably freak out for me, but I wasn’t scared, I was…eager. Adrenaline was already filling my stomach, and I had to force myself to not walk out there. Is it time yet?
From behind me, I heard a soft voice say, “Oh my God…”
I looked back to see Matt standing there, eyes locked on the crowd; he looked paler than I’d ever seen him. His panicked eyes flashed to mine. “There’s so many people…how are there so many people?”
By his face, you’d think he’d never contemplated what an actual concert would look like. He’d been a wreck before Bumbershoot, but honestly, since that had been outside, it hadn’t felt like that many people. With this…the walls, the bodies trapped in front of us and around us…even I could feel the scope of it, the weight of all those eyes. I just happened to like that feeling. Unlike Matt.
Concerned, I shook my head. “Lots of bands means lots of fans…are you okay?”
He instantly shook his head. “No…no, you were right. We’re not ready for this. Let’s go home.”
Spinning on his heel, he started speed-walking away from me. I glanced at Evan, then hurried after him. “Matt, wait!” He just shook his head and kept right on walking back to where we’d come from, back toward the waiting area, back toward the exit. Fuck. Was he really leaving?
“Shit,” I muttered. Glancing around the main backstage area when we got there, I shouted for our missing bandmate; this was an all hands on deck moment. “Griffin!” I spotted him just as his head swung my way. He furrowed his brows, confused at the panic in my voice, and I pointed to where Matt was quickly disappearing. Griffin followed my finger, then frowned and started moving in the same direction as Evan and me.
We caught up to Matt outside in the alley next to the back entrance. He was pacing, cell phone clenched in his hand, like he was about to call for a ride. The burly guys guarding the door were watching him, but they didn’t look like they were going to do anything to stop Matt from leaving the show. That wasn’t their job. “Matt…?” I asked. “You okay?”
He still looked really ill, and he was shaking. “Uh-uh. I can’t do this. I can’t do that!” He pointed back at the building.
Stepping in front of him, I put my hands on his shoulders and tried to make my voice as soothing as possible. “Yes, you can. We do this all the time.”
His entire body shook under my fingertips. “Not like this…I can’t…I’m sorry.”
I’d seen Matt get stage fright before, but nothing like this. It was fairly typical for Matt to be a bundle of nerves before a show, especially one at a new place, and on occasion, he did throw up before we went onstage, but he’d never flat-out refused to do a show before. He’d always found a way to cope and perform, usually by ignoring everyone around him. It didn’t seem like that was going to work tonight though. I never got nervous about going up on stage, not anymore, and never as bad as what he was going through right now, so I really didn’t know how to help him. I glanced at Evan, and he shrugged, equally unsure.
“Matt,” he said, trying anyway. “It’s gonna be all right. You know our songs better than all of us. I don’t think you could mess up if you tried.”
Matt shook his head as he turned to Evan. “I can’t go out there…too many people…”
Evan shrugged again, then mouthed, What do we do?
Shit. What did we do? I supposed I could haul Matt over my shoulder and plop him onstage, but honestly, by the look on his face, I was pretty sure he’d just throw up all over the place if I did that. So sure, I could physically get him out there, but I couldn’t force him to calm down, and that was what he needed right now—to be calmed down. Damn it…I really wished Rachel were here. I was sure she could do it. Maybe I should call her? Or maybe hearing her voice would immediately have him on a bus back home. I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t want to risk it. As much as a part of me loved the idea of going home, we couldn’t come this far to fail without even trying. Matt would never forgive himself.
Tentatively, I looked over at Griffin, silently asking for his help, although I really wasn’t sure if that was a good idea or not. Griffin could help…or he could make this about a thousand times worse.
Griffin glanced at my questioning face, then rolled his eyes and smacked Matt on the back of the head. “Lighten the fuck up, pansy.”
Matt’s freaked-out expression instantly shifted to a scowl. Griffin raised his eyebrows as Matt turned to face him. “Do you know anybody in there?” he asked. Matt shook his head and Griffin nodded. “And do you think anybody knows us?” Matt shook his head again and Griffin smiled. “Then what the fuck are you worried about? You could absolutely suck, and no one would know or care, because no one knows who the fuck we are. If you think about it, this is the one show that shouldn’t freak you out, because it really doesn’t matter.” He shrugged, like it was as simple as that.
Glaring—and no longer shaking—Matt crossed his arms over his chest. “We should still care, Griffin. We should care every show, whether people know about us or not. We should always try to impress them.”
Griffin showcased the entrance. “Then go impress them, dickwad.”
Matt rolled his eyes…then stormed back inside. Griffin smirked, then shook his head. “Dude’s got issues.” Looking back at me, he took in my startled expression and shrugged. “You just have to know which buttons to push, Kell.” He smacked my shoulder, then started following Matt back inside. I could only stare at the door, a little shocked, a little mystified. How, out of all of us, was Griffin the one who got through to him? Buttons indeed.
Evan laughed, then clapped my back. “Come on, let’s put on a show.”
I grinned, then nodded. Yeah, let’s do this.
When we got back to the party area, Griffin was handing Matt a red Solo cup full of something that I was sure was a very strong drink. Matt started chugging it while Griffin lightly tapped him on the back in encouragement. When Matt was finished, he closed his eyes and inhaled a deep, calming breath. He wasn’t great, but he was definitely better. At least, he was better until one of the crew stepped into the room and shouted, “D-Bags, you’re up.” Then his face went green. Uh-oh. I knew what that meant.
Matt slapped a hand over his mouth, and Griffin instantly shouted, “Bucket!”
