Painful, page 31
No, definitely not mentioning that.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated. I would say it as many times as she needed to hear it. Every time we talked, if necessary.
She was quiet a moment, then she uttered, “I cannot believe you.”
“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, I promise.” Please forgive me.
She was silent again, but when she spoke, the majority of her anger seemed to be gone. “You owe me. Big time.”
A smile crept over my face. “Anything you want, it’s yours.” Literally anything. Just stay with me.
She sighed. Then a small laugh escaped her. “Whore,” she muttered, sounding more amused than upset.
At hearing her pet name for me, my smile widened, and I lightly laughed, relieved. “Tease,” I chuckled in response. She giggled in my ear, and I caved into the desire to fully laugh with her. God, I love this woman.
Please let me keep her.
Chapter 19
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE WITH YOU
I woke up with a start, my heart pounding in my chest and a familiar fear coursing through my veins. Goddamn dreams. I’d kind of hoped that being on the road, being in such a strange environment, being around so many people, would squelch the nightmares, but sadly…no. Dad still tormented me whenever he could.
This last dream had been a strange mixture of pleasure and pain. I’d been lying in bed, kissing Kiera, when Dad had walked into the room and simply driven a knife into my chest. He’d never killed me in a dream before. That made it slightly easier to disassociate from it; dream-Dad typically preferred torturing me, death was far too simple.
Maybe I shouldn’t have watched that horror movie with Griffin last night. Maybe this was just a regular nightmare; I honestly didn’t know.
Climbing out of my cubby, I slipped on some comfortable clothes and headed to the sitting area of the bus. The bus was stopped in a parking lot; shows were much closer together here on the east coast, and we often arrived early. I waved at the driver, an older man named Samuel, then I set about my morning routine of crunches and pushups in the slim aisle. It wasn’t the most ideal place to work out, but it was better than the pavement outside. Maybe I’d go for a run next though. I had time, although, there was something I wanted to do today.
I was just finishing up my pushups when someone unexpected walked out of the sleeping area. Evan. He didn’t typically get up this early. Dressed in lounge pants and a holey T-shirt, he rubbed his buzz-cut head as he yawned. When he saw what I was doing, he shook his head at me. “You’re insane,” he muttered.
I paused an inch from the floor and looked up at him. “Matt wants a billboard, might as well give him one that looks nice.” Evan chuckled while I pushed myself up, then stood up. Swishing my hand, I told him, “It’s just a habit. Helps me wake up, clear my head.”
He tilted his head at me as he sat down. “You need to clear your head? What about?”
I stared at him a moment, wondering if I should tell him what had been going on with me recently. Clear my head from thinking about the daily text messages I’m receiving from the biological parent I want nothing to do with. But no, I couldn’t tell Evan that. I didn’t want to get into it. With anyone. Smiling, I pointed to the back of the bus. “Griffin’s habit of walking around naked for one. Did you know he was part nudist?”
Evan grimaced. “Honestly, I’m more surprised he’s not a full nudist. Poor Matt…How has that kid kept it together all these years?”
Laughing, I sat down at the table with him. “Maybe he hasn’t. Maybe that’s why he’s so…”
“Matt?” he said, eyebrow raised.
“Yes, exactly.” We both laughed for a moment, then I lifted an eyebrow at Evan. “What are you doing up?”
He sighed. “Couldn’t sleep anymore. I’m getting anxious to go home, man. I just…really miss Jenny. Like crazy miss her.”
I softly smiled, thinking of Kiera. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m ready for a break. Although…there is something I need to take care of first. Want to come with me?”
Evan’s face was instantly suspicious. “Come with you where?”
My smile turned into a wide grin. “I need to go shopping.”
Evan laid his head back on the seat with a groan. “I knew you were going to say that.” The look on his face made me laugh. Evan hated shopping, especially with me. He lifted his head at hearing my amusement. Frowning, he said, “Fine. But if you can’t find what you’re looking for in the first three stores, I’m out. You’re on your own.”
Laughing even more, I nodded. “We should get dressed then, so we can get started.”
He groaned again, sinking his head to the table. “I hate you,” he murmured, looking up at me.
I smiled at his sullenness. “You’ll love me when I help you find something great for Jenny.”
Lifting his head, he pursed his lips. “True. Okay, fine.”
We got dressed, but it was still early, and nothing was open yet, so we took a cab to a diner to get something to eat. Evan laughed as we sat down. “What?” I asked.
He pointed to my pocket. “Your cell phone stays put, got it?”
With a laugh, I made an X over my heart. “Deal.”
Almost immediately after I said that my phone buzzed and chirped with a message, and my stomach began to churn with a now-familiar ache. Knowing it was Gavin, I suppressed a sigh. Evan heard my phone and pointed at my jacket. “I’m kidding. You can get that.”
I shook my head. “It’s not Kiera…she wouldn’t text me this early. She’s at her parents’ place in Ohio, waiting for me.” Needing a distraction, I let out a long sigh. “I’m finally going to meet her parents. I’m not sure what they’re going to think of me.”
My distraction worked; Evan didn’t ask who’d texted me. He smiled. “Why wouldn’t they love you?”
He truly looked mystified, like he really couldn’t see why I might be unappealing to them. “Well, my job for one. Her dad isn’t thrilled that I’m in a band.” I frowned. “He doesn’t consider that a real job.”
Evan swished his hand. “That’s because he’s never heard you. If he had, he wouldn’t be so worried about it. There’s no way you’re not going to be successful at this, Kellan.”
His praise made me feel…weird. Was everyone around me delusional? The chances of us finding “success” were a million to one. Maybe more. There were just too many people trying to make it, and I had to believe a lot of them were way more talented than me. Instead of arguing with him, I shrugged. “Well, I have a feeling he’ll be even less impressed if we do make it. I don’t think he trusts me.”
Evan scrunched his brow. “He doesn’t even know you.”
I gave him a small smile. “When it comes to Kiera, I don’t think he trusts anybody. From what I’ve pieced together, he’s a bit on the overprotective side.”
“Ah…I see.” He pursed his lips. “You might want to sleep with one eye open then. He might try and castrate you.” He started laughing after he said it.
“Thanks for that thought,” I said with a frown. Now I really wasn’t sure about this.
Evan shook his head. “Don’t worry, he won’t. If I know anything about girlfriends and their parents, it’s that they’re hoping for grandbabies one day. He won’t hurt you if he thinks you might eventually give him one.”
Warmth flooded through me, like it always did when I thought of Kiera pregnant. Evan watched me for a moment, then threw a crumpled napkin at me. Blinking out of my fantasy, I looked up at him. “Doesn’t mean he won’t kick your ass if you try to knock her up inside his house.”
A small laugh escaped me. “Well then, he’s gonna have to kick my ass, because it’s been weeks…I’m having sex with her.”
Evan laughed, then shook his head. “Yeah, we all got that from your little phone call the other day.” I snickered and Evan sighed. “Her poor dad…just don’t give him a heart attack, okay? Or make him accidentally kill you. We kind of need you to come back.”
With a laugh, I shook my head. “I can’t guarantee you anything.”
He was shaking his head at me when the waitress appeared. Before she could even ask us anything, Evan pointed at me and said, “He’ll have a Denver omelet.”
I had to lie down on the bench seat I was laughing so hard.
After a leisurely breakfast, Evan and I made our way to the shopping district. Evan found a necklace he liked for Jenny, and I grabbed a bottle of perfume that smelled pretty good for Anna. Buying it felt a little odd to me, and as I did, I asked Evan, “Should we get Anna something from Griffin?”
Evan thought about that for a moment. Griffin was going home, to see his family in L.A. for Christmas. As far as I knew, he hadn’t invited Anna to go with him, but that wasn’t all too surprising. They weren’t really a couple. They just…liked having sex with each other. Was that a gift giving relationship?
Finally, Evan shook his head. “The only thing Griffin would realistically give Anna…you don’t want her opening around her parents. Especially if you’re trying to stop Kiera’s dad from killing you. Griffin can send her something if he wants to.”
I nodded and let it go. Whatever was between them, that was for them to figure out.
Evan picked up something for his family, and then for Jenny’s parents, which surprised me…and inspired me. I knew just what to get for Kiera’s parents, but it would have to wait until I got to the airport. That just left getting something for Kiera.
Evan sighed as we walked through another jewelry store. “You know what you’re looking for, right?”
I laughed at the annoyance in his voice, then nodded. “Yes, this won’t take long, I promise.” I walked us to the engagement rings, and his eyebrows lifted. I stared at those sparkling diamonds for a really long time…but we weren’t there yet. If she wouldn’t even move in with me, then I knew she wouldn’t marry me. It was too fast. And yet, it felt like I’d been waiting forever for her to be my wife. I shouldn’t have hidden that letter so well.
I forced myself to move down the display case. And that was when I found something more in line with what I was looking for: simple matching bands. Well, the man’s was simple, just a ring of silver, the woman’s was lined with small diamonds. Perfect, understated beauty, just like Kiera. The rings were technically wedding bands, but that wasn’t how I wanted to use them. I wanted her to know where I was in regard to our relationship, just how deeply I was committed to her…and I wanted to see if she felt the same way, if her commitment ran just as deep. I don’t want her to get tired of waiting for me. I don’t want her to be worried while I’m gone. I don’t want to be replaced.
Getting the salesmen’s attention, I asked to see the pair of rings. While he got them out, Evan said, “Whatcha thinking, Kellan?”
I knew what it looked like to him, and I bit my lip before answering him. “Not wedding rings…but…promise rings. I want her to know I have no intention of cheating on her. I want her to believe it.”
Evan studied me a moment, then nodded. He tried to hide it, but I saw the sympathy on his face. Yes, I know. It’s a little sad that we have to physically proclaim our monogamy. But trust me, it’s something we need to do. Something I need to do. Evan didn’t say anything else as I bought the pair of rings, and I was grateful for it.
Thinking about Kiera and Christmas and being with her family made me start thinking about mine. Not Gavin. Fuck him. But Hailey…maybe I was being too hard on her. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe I should give her another chance. That was the whole point of Christmas, right? Forgiveness, family, acceptance? Building bonds, building memories…maybe I could still have that with her. I still wanted it with her.
When Evan and I got back to the buses, I pulled out my phone and nodded for him to go inside without me. He grabbed my bags for me, considerate as always, then disappeared into the bus. Curious as to what Hailey had been saying to me while I’d been ignoring her, I—very carefully—checked my messages. Scrolling through her list of texts made my chest burn, like someone was sizzling me with acid.
‘I’m so sorry, please call me.’ ‘I know I screwed up, I’m sorry.’ ‘Please talk to me.’ ‘I don’t know how to fix this, I’m sorry.’ ‘Please don’t shut me out.’
All of those made my eyes water, made my stomach fill with pain, but it was the last one she sent me, the one I’d ignored last night, that finally broke something inside me. ‘It’s clear you don’t want to talk to me. I won’t bother you again. I’m so sorry I hurt you.’
Before I was even conscious of doing it, I was calling her number. She picked up instantly. “Kellan, I’m so sorry.”
Hearing her voice soothed the agony in my stomach. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…I should have talked to you, yelled at you, vented at you…something. I shouldn’t have just ignored you. I just…couldn’t deal. You shouldn’t have given him my number. Why would you do that?”
Her voice hitched with pain. “I’m sorry. He cornered me once he realized what I’d done. He wasn’t going to let it go…And he was so…I caved, I’m sorry.” She paused to let out a long sigh. “I guess a part of me was hoping you weren’t really being serious about never wanting to talk to him. I was hoping it would bring you two together, but you’ve been ignoring him too, so I guess…I guess I was wrong.”
I had to close my eyes as the pain assaulted me. I don’t want to think about him. I don’t want to talk about him. But I had to tell her something. “I was completely serious. He doesn’t exist to me, but you…” My voice cracked and I had to pause, had to swallow the sudden lump in my throat. “You do, and I’d like to…I want you in my life.” I wasn’t sure how she would fit in my world, but I knew—the second that she’d said she wouldn’t bother me again—that I couldn’t handle the hole of not having her in my life. I couldn’t go back to the way I was before I’d met her. A small, childlike part of me…needed her.
A small laugh escaped her. “I’m not going anywhere, Kellan. I’m always here for you…you’re family.”
The grin that spread over my face at hearing that brought a lightness to my body, and I could feel the decades of despair that had formed around my heart cracking, melting. Finally, that word might mean something positive to me. “Thank you,” I whispered. “And please…don’t ever say you won’t bother me again. Just…keep bothering me, okay?”
“Stubborn, huh? Yeah, I get that. Kind of a family trait.”
Her words made my stomach clench, but I ignored it. This had nothing to do with him. “So, what have you been up to?” I asked, genuinely curious.
She went on to tell me about school, winter break, a boy she liked…and I loved hearing every word. Finally, she said, “Okay, enough about me, how is life as a rock star?” Before I could tell her anything, she changed her mind on what she wanted to hear about. “How’s your girlfriend?”
The change of direction made me laugh, and smile. “God…she’s great. I can’t wait to see her. Just a couple more days now.”
Hailey sighed, then laughed. “Don’t tell your girlfriend this, but I showed the picture of you and me to my friends…there’s now an official waiting list for you. And there was some serious competition for the top spot. Blood was drawn.”
A laugh burst out of me, and Hailey giggled too. God, it felt great to laugh with her, like a sore muscle being massaged. “Well, sorry to burst all their bubbles, but I’m pretty sure Kiera is the one. No…I am sure. On my end anyway.” Hopefully she felt the same.
“Good. I want an invite to the wedding.”
That made me sigh, made the ache return. And not just because I wasn’t sure if Kiera would say yes…but because I didn’t know how to tell Kiera about Hailey. I didn’t know if I even could. Not wanting to get into it with Hailey, I simply told her, “Yeah…sure.” Probably not. Definitely not. I’m so sorry.
Silence built up as that sad fact absorbed me. In the quiet, Hailey said, “Hey, I know you don’t want to be bugged or pushed—”
Knowing where she was going, I instantly cut her off. “Hailey, don’t—”
Proving we really were related, she cut me off too. “I’m not going to say anything else to him about you, I promise. Our conversations are private, confidential. But that doesn’t mean I can’t say something to you…about him.”
“I don’t want to—”
“I know you don’t,” she said, interrupting me again. “I just…Whatever you think he is…he’s not. Can you just trust that I know him in ways you don’t? He’s a good man, Kellan. And you’re hurting him. And I don’t understand why. Can you explain it to me?”
My jaw clenched tight, and words were suddenly impossible. Could I even have a relationship with her when it unintentionally brought with it so much pain? Would this ever end? Fade? Because every time she mentioned him, it was a fresh dagger in my heart. She knew him better? Well, of course she did—he hadn’t abandoned her. He was a good man? If he was so good, then why did he leave me in hell? Why did he flush me away like I was…garbage? Good man…bullshit. Repentant, maybe. Good? No.
“I have to go,” I told her, my voice brusque.
“Kellan, I…” she paused, then sighed. “Call me later?”
A small smile lifted my lips. “Yeah.” Painful or not, I still needed her.
I felt…on edge after that conversation. Both happy and furious. It was difficult to maintain the two conflicting emotions, and my insides were churning as I debated how to even myself out.
“It’s Kellan, right?”
I looked up to see Paul walking my way. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. We’d talked several times. He knew my fucking name. He was the only one on the tour who seemed to openly dislike me. I really had no idea why. I’d only ever been nice to him. I was chalking it up to jealousy. Stupid, petty jealousy. A lot of girls talked to me, flirted with me, not-so-subtly came on to me, while he…struggled to make a connection.
