Painful, page 58
Smiling, Jenny slowly shook her head at me. “You know…if you’d been this guy all those years ago, I might have actually said yes to you.”
I laughed at her comment. “Yeah. Thing is…” My eyes drifted back to Kiera. “Without her…I never would have become this guy.” And I never would have known how it felt to be this happy.
Jenny let out a long, sappy sigh that clearly said: That’s so romantic. Troy sighed in the exact same way. Knowing I was being nauseating, I rolled my eyes and grabbed the tray from Troy. “You’re both ridiculous,” I said, glancing between them.
Jenny just laughed as I walked away. Troy sighed again.
My friends arrived at the bar not too much later. Griffin entered with as much noise as he could, smacking open both doors so everyone would look at him. Evan was next. He instantly spotted Jenny and they reunited with gusto, like they hadn’t seen each other in years. Matt shook his head at the eager pair in the exact same amused way that I did. And Evan says I’ve developed a flair for the dramatic. Not the only one, buddy.
Matt and Rachel stepped inside, holding hands, while Griffin scanned the bar, probably searching for Anna. I walked over to them, giving Anna a moment to compose herself; she had to be freaking out. “Hey, guys…thanks for coming,” I said, my smile suggestive. Jenny smirked at me, since she knew what I meant by that. The guys just shrugged.
“Of course, wouldn’t miss it,” Matt said, clapping me on the shoulder.
Hoping Anna was ready, I motioned toward our table. When I twisted to look, I saw that Anna was still there, but I wasn’t sure if it was by her choice or not. She was rigidly standing beside the table, and Kiera was physically holding her in place. Anna was so pale as we approached, I worried she might faint.
Griffin grinned when he spotted Anna, and I knew from the look on his face…he hadn’t realized she was pregnant yet. Fucking idiot. It couldn’t be more obvious. Maybe he just hadn’t looked at her body yet. Kiera let Anna go as Griffin stepped up to her. Anna started shaking, but she didn’t leave.
I’d never seen Griffin be so completely clueless. Instead of saying anything, instead of asking her anything, he just grabbed her face and started kissing her. Anna moaned a little, and I took the moment of distraction to glance at Evan and Matt, slightly in front of me. Both of them had wide eyes as they stared at Anna’s stomach. They knew. But of course, once again, it was exceedingly obvious.
Kiera waved a greeting to them when their stares turned to her, then she rolled her eyes and nodded, answering their unasked questions: Yes, Anna is pregnant…yes, Griffin is about to be a dad. I’d never seen my friends look so stunned. Their mouths popped open in utter disbelief. I knew the feeling. It still shocked me.
Griffin finally noticed something was different about Anna when he hugged her. But even then…he didn’t seem to understand. His brows furrowed in confusion. “Uh, Anna?” He took a step back and poked her in the stomach. “What happened to you?” I wanted to roll my eyes. Jesus, Griffin. Really?
Anna seemed to feel the same way. She batted his hand away and scowled at him. “You happened to me…ass hat.”
He still seemed confused. Matt smacked Griffin over the head, annoyance clear on his face. “Dude, I told you to wrap it up! Don’t you ever listen to me?” he snapped.
Griffin twisted to sneer at him. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Oh my fucking God, how did he still not get it? I was about to say something, but Kiera’s dad beat me to it. Stepping up to Griffin, he poked him in the shoulder. Griffin’s scowl turned his way, and Martin calmly but firmly told him, “You will watch your language around my daughter, especially when she’s carrying your child.”
He pointedly raised an eyebrow at Griffin. Griffin still looked like he didn’t understand, but then, finally, the pieces clicked together. And when they did, he looked absolutely horrified. His eyes snapped to Anna’s stomach. “You’re pregnant?” By the way he’d said it, you’d think she had a bomb strapped to her. I contained a sigh. I knew he’d react this way. So had Anna…it was why she hadn’t told him.
Anna merely smirked at his comment though. Rolling her eyes, she said, “God, I hope our daughter somehow gets Kiera’s smarts…otherwise she’s doomed.”
In the span of three seconds, something happened with Griffin that I never would have expected. His face morphed into an expression I’d never seen on him before. It was soft, warm, almost…fond. “Daughter? We’re gonna have a girl?” he asked, his eyes shifting to Anna’s face, a small, accepting smile on his lips.
Anna’s eyes watered as she also saw the genuine tender emotion. She shook her head. “I don’t know yet. I just feel like…I feel like we made a girl.”
Griffin moved his hand to her stomach. It was like he’d suddenly become an entirely different person as he ran his thumb over where his child was resting, and in that instant…I could see it. I could see him as a father. I could see him caring for someone other than himself. And even weirder…I could see him being really good at it. Seeing it gave me hope. And damn if it didn’t make me love him.
Thank you for showing me I was wrong, Griffin. Thank you for not being a douche. Maybe now I won’t have to kill you.
I smiled when I heard Griffin murmur, “A girl…I’m gonna have a little girl?”
Anna’s response made my eyes snap to her. “I don’t know if I’m keeping her.” Really? Was she still considering adoption? Couldn’t she see how much he wanted this? I’d really thought his acceptance would change her mind.
Kiera’s mom stepped forward, but Martin held her back. Everyone but Kiera looked stunned by Anna’s statement, but no one was more stunned than Griffin. His gaze instantly returned to Anna’s tear-streaked face. “What? You can’t give away my kid,” he said, a surprising amount of anger in his voice.
There was panic on Griffin’s face as he started searching the bar for something…for me. His eyes locked on mine, and they were wide with fear; I’d never seen him look this way either, like something he cherished was about to be stolen from him. “She can’t do that, right, Kell? Don’t I have a say?”
I’d never wished more desperately to have an answer for him, but I had no fucking clue. I didn’t have any experience with this. I could tell he wanted comfort, but I didn’t have any to give him. I floundered for something to say, but thankfully, I didn’t have time to speak. Anna touched his cheek, returning his eyes to hers. Griffin trembled as she said, “I won’t…if you want to keep her…if you want to do this with me…I won’t give her up.”
I noticed Kiera holding her breath, noticed her parents clenching their hands together, but I instantly felt relaxed. I’d already seen Griffin’s truest, deepest desire—it had been written all over his face. I already knew what his decision would be, and I was smiling long before he finally said it. “Can we name her after my grandma?”
Anna started sobbing, and I saw the relief on her face as she hugged him. She wanted this baby too. She’d just been too scared, too worried, to admit it. But now, God, I’d never seen them look so happy. Evan and Matt glanced back at me, also smiling, also looking relieved. And excited. I was too, but as happy as I was about this, I still couldn’t believe that Griffin was going to be the first one of us to have a child. Maybe it really shouldn’t surprise me though. He was the most reckless one of us. He was going to need our help through this.
Matt confirmed that for me when I heard him lean down and tell Rachel, “One of us should probably tell her that Grandma’s name was Myrtle.”
Yes, he might be a good father, but Griffin was going to need a shit-ton of help to be a good parent. God help us all.
Chapter 36
MOVING FORWARD
I laughed at Matt’s comment and Griffin’s name choice. Evan twisted around to look at me. Shaking his head, he said, “Griffin is seriously going to be a dad? That’s one of the signs of the apocalypse, right?”
Jenny, beside him, laughed, and I nodded in agreement. “Yep. Our fate has been sealed.”
Evan laughed as I glanced at Anna and Griffin kissing. They seemed blissful, and I really hoped it lasted. But I had to wonder what this meant for them as a couple. Were they together now?
Returning my eyes to Evan, I said, “You know Griffin raising a child means we’ll all be raising a child, right? We might need to intervene on occasion.”
Evan nodded as he looked over at Anna and Griffin. “Yeah…we’ll have Matt draw up a schedule, so one of us can always be within earshot.”
I laughed at his comment. “That’s an excellent plan.”
Matt and Rachel had moved over to congratulate Anna and Griffin. Evan clapped my shoulder, then he and Jenny moved over with them. I could feel someone staring at me, and my eyes drifted over to Kiera. The look on her face was…odd. She was pale, her eyes were wide open, and her jaw was dropped in stunned surprise. My brow furrowed as I studied her expression. Why did she look like she’d just seen a ghost?
And that was when I remembered what was going on today. The monumental moment that I was not prepared for. All the blood drained from my face; I felt like all of it was draining from my entire body and something else was keeping me alive. Barely. I could feel the weight of eyes on my back, stares burning into me. My heart started racing. No. I change my mind. I don’t want to do this.
I closed my eyes, willing them to leave…ordering myself not to turn and look. If I don’t look, he’ll go away. It will be like this never happened.
I felt someone cupping my cheeks. Kiera. “Kellan…it’s time.” Her voice was soft, encouraging, but it wasn’t helping. My heart thundered in my chest. I felt faint.
Eyes firmly closed, I shook my head. “I can’t, Kiera.” Hating how weak I was, I grimaced as I cracked an eye open. “Ask them to come back later…I just can’t right now.”
Like she knew what I actually meant was I couldn’t ever, Kiera shook her head and soothingly rubbed my cheeks. “You can do this, Kellan…I know you can.”
She wants me to be strong. Brave. I can be brave. I let out a long, shaking exhale. Feeling anything but brave, I slowly twisted my head. Seeing Gavin in person was like a sock to the gut; it physically pushed me back a step, made tremors ripple through my body. Reaching down, I clenched Kiera’s hand like a lifeline. Gavin was older than in his picture, but still, exactly the same. He was tall, lean but muscular, with thick sandy-brown hair, a strong jaw, and the familiar, almost unreal deep-blue eyes. Looking at him was like looking into my future…and I hated it. Because looking like him had been the root of most of my problems as a child. Because he left me.
He lifted a hand to wave at me. Like we were friends. Like we were family.
We’re not. He didn’t want me.
I don’t want to know him. I don’t want to need him.
This hurts too much…I can’t…
Fear and panic slammed into me so hard, I started violently shaking, like I was freezing, and I couldn’t get warm. My gaze snapped to Kiera’s, and I started begging for my sanity. “I can’t…I can’t do this…please, let’s just go.” Don’t make me do this. I grabbed her arms, desperate to run. “I’ll go anywhere you want to go. Let’s just sneak out the back, and we can do anything you want to do…”
More words left my mouth, but they were incoherent to my brain. All I could think about was the fact that he was staring at me. He was here. And he was staring at me.
I. Can. Not. Do. This.
Kiera inhaled a deep breath and patiently waited for my words to run dry. I felt like I’d run a marathon once they had. Every part of me was exhausted. Every part of me ached. Absorbing the love in her tranquil eyes, I tried to calm my breathing, tried to squelch my fears. I only partly succeeded. “I’m scared,” I finally whispered, and I felt a tiny amount of relief in the confession.
Kiera nodded, her eyes moist with sympathy. “I know…but I’m here, and I’ll help you. Besides, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I could care.” I wasn’t sure if I’d said that out loud or not. If I had, Kiera’s expression didn’t change. I closed my eyes, gathering strength, then I nodded.
If I was going to get through this, I couldn’t let fear and panic be my driving force. That would have me running out the door, not finally confronting him. There was only one thing that would help me confront him, and maybe Kiera was right…maybe it was time that I did exactly that: confront the son of a bitch.
Hardening my core, I let a lifetime of abuse stoke my anger, my armor. Twisting to face him, I gripped Kiera tight. Her fingers in mine gave me strength, and I sucked it up like I was dying from the lack of it. I started walking toward Gavin, letting my rage flare. Every step, I let myself get more and more angry until I was so furious I could barely see.
I was almost in his face when I finally stopped. He didn’t react to my nearness, except to smile softly at me. “Hello, son,” he whispered.
Son? I almost decked him for saying that. I think I would have if Kiera hadn’t been holding my hand. I squeezed her fingers, hard. I gave Gavin a curt nod, since I couldn’t speak yet, my throat was cinched tight. Then I waited for him to start the conversation. What was so important that you had to hound me every day for six fucking months? I glared as I waited, but he didn’t say anything, he just kept fucking staring at me. Now you have nothing to say? Really? Fucking asshole.
That was when I felt a hand on my arm. I looked down to see Hailey giving me a cautious half-smile, and the raging anger inside me started diminishing. I’d been so focused on Gavin, I hadn’t even noticed Hailey and Riley yet. Suddenly realizing how hard I was holding Kiera’s hand, I made myself relax and back up a step.
Hailey put her hand on our little brother’s shoulder. The tension dissolved in me as I looked at him. His hair was just a smidge darker than mine, but he had it in a messy shag that was a pretty fair imitation of mine. I had to wonder if that was intentional. His eyes were lighter, more of a spring-day blue than deep-lake blue. But his face…
It was like looking into the past, and I was instantly reminded of myself at his age…if I could see myself without the emotional scars that had hovered around me. Because I didn’t see any trauma in the openness of Riley’s expression, didn’t see any sign of needing to be rescued in the innocence of his eyes. Looking at him choked me up. He was what I could have been…if life had given me a chance.
Hailey introduced us, and Riley—looking awestruck—extended his hand to me. “Wow, I watched some of your shows online. You’re…really good. I just started playing the guitar, but I hope I’m as good as you someday.” God, even his voice sounded like mine had, although, his lacked the edge of sarcasm, sadness, and fear.
Riley gave me a smile that matched the awe in his voice, and I laughed a little. He shouldn’t idolize me…but it was sweet that he did. Scuffing his messy hair, I told him, “Maybe I can teach you a thing or two one day.”
I heard Gavin making an emotional noise as he cleared his throat, and I peeked up at him. The look on his face was heavy with relief and regret. I felt trapped by his expression, and I couldn’t look away from him. Now that the anger was gone, the pain was starting to return. And so was the desire to run.
Hailey said something to Riley about giving us a minute, then she pulled him away. I felt Kiera’s hand in mine slipping, like she was going to leave too, and I instantly gripped her tight; I needed her here, I needed her strength. I felt like mine had completely left me.
Kiera put her hand on my arm, silently telling me that she wasn’t going anywhere. Gavin looked pained as he started talking. “Look, I know you’re mad at me…for walking out on you, and I don’t blame you, but I was young and foolish, and I hope you can give me a chance to make—”
Every word out of his mouth rekindled the anger inside me. And the fact that—like Riley—his voice also sounded like mine. Holding onto the fire in my stomach, I cut him off with a question. “Do you know what they did to me?”
He looked genuinely confused as he furrowed his brow. “Who? Your parents?”
The word parents coming from him made a flash of rage go through me. Assholes was more appropriate. I gave him a stiff nod in answer, then asked him the only question that truly mattered to me. “Did you know what they would do…how they would raise me…when you left? Did you know what sort of people they were?” If you did…just leave now. Because there will never be anything between us.
He still looked confused. “John and Susan? What are you talking about?” His eyes narrowed as he studied me, and I couldn’t tell if he was genuinely baffled, or if he just didn’t want to admit it, admit he knew exactly what kind of hell he was leaving me in.
Hearing my parents’ names from his lips was like a slap to the face, and I instinctively cringed. Needing an answer, I stepped toward him again, getting in his face again. My body coiled with tension as I clarified my question for him. “Did you know that you left me with people who would viciously abuse me…day in, day out?” Riley’s innocence flashed in my mind. That could have been me. You stole that from me. But did you do it on purpose? Voice shaking with pain, I spit out, “Did…you…know?”
All the blood drained from his face, and he was suddenly sickeningly pale. His dark blue eyes filled with tears as he studied me, as he absorbed the fact that I wasn’t joking, I wasn’t exaggerating. My life had been shit. Complete and utter shit.
“Kellan…no…I had no idea. I thought…” He paused to swallow, and I swear he looked like he was about to be sick. Seeing that reaction softened me more than his words. It truly seemed like he didn’t know. “I thought I was leaving you to a happy home, happier than I could have given you back then.”
He reached out to touch my arm, and it was only then that I realized I was shaking. “I know you won’t understand, but I was a mess back then. I didn’t know what I was doing. I got caught up in something with your mother that…was a horrible mistake,” he said with a sigh. Eyes widening, he quickly added, “Not that you were a mistake, just, the situation…”
I laughed at her comment. “Yeah. Thing is…” My eyes drifted back to Kiera. “Without her…I never would have become this guy.” And I never would have known how it felt to be this happy.
Jenny let out a long, sappy sigh that clearly said: That’s so romantic. Troy sighed in the exact same way. Knowing I was being nauseating, I rolled my eyes and grabbed the tray from Troy. “You’re both ridiculous,” I said, glancing between them.
Jenny just laughed as I walked away. Troy sighed again.
My friends arrived at the bar not too much later. Griffin entered with as much noise as he could, smacking open both doors so everyone would look at him. Evan was next. He instantly spotted Jenny and they reunited with gusto, like they hadn’t seen each other in years. Matt shook his head at the eager pair in the exact same amused way that I did. And Evan says I’ve developed a flair for the dramatic. Not the only one, buddy.
Matt and Rachel stepped inside, holding hands, while Griffin scanned the bar, probably searching for Anna. I walked over to them, giving Anna a moment to compose herself; she had to be freaking out. “Hey, guys…thanks for coming,” I said, my smile suggestive. Jenny smirked at me, since she knew what I meant by that. The guys just shrugged.
“Of course, wouldn’t miss it,” Matt said, clapping me on the shoulder.
Hoping Anna was ready, I motioned toward our table. When I twisted to look, I saw that Anna was still there, but I wasn’t sure if it was by her choice or not. She was rigidly standing beside the table, and Kiera was physically holding her in place. Anna was so pale as we approached, I worried she might faint.
Griffin grinned when he spotted Anna, and I knew from the look on his face…he hadn’t realized she was pregnant yet. Fucking idiot. It couldn’t be more obvious. Maybe he just hadn’t looked at her body yet. Kiera let Anna go as Griffin stepped up to her. Anna started shaking, but she didn’t leave.
I’d never seen Griffin be so completely clueless. Instead of saying anything, instead of asking her anything, he just grabbed her face and started kissing her. Anna moaned a little, and I took the moment of distraction to glance at Evan and Matt, slightly in front of me. Both of them had wide eyes as they stared at Anna’s stomach. They knew. But of course, once again, it was exceedingly obvious.
Kiera waved a greeting to them when their stares turned to her, then she rolled her eyes and nodded, answering their unasked questions: Yes, Anna is pregnant…yes, Griffin is about to be a dad. I’d never seen my friends look so stunned. Their mouths popped open in utter disbelief. I knew the feeling. It still shocked me.
Griffin finally noticed something was different about Anna when he hugged her. But even then…he didn’t seem to understand. His brows furrowed in confusion. “Uh, Anna?” He took a step back and poked her in the stomach. “What happened to you?” I wanted to roll my eyes. Jesus, Griffin. Really?
Anna seemed to feel the same way. She batted his hand away and scowled at him. “You happened to me…ass hat.”
He still seemed confused. Matt smacked Griffin over the head, annoyance clear on his face. “Dude, I told you to wrap it up! Don’t you ever listen to me?” he snapped.
Griffin twisted to sneer at him. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Oh my fucking God, how did he still not get it? I was about to say something, but Kiera’s dad beat me to it. Stepping up to Griffin, he poked him in the shoulder. Griffin’s scowl turned his way, and Martin calmly but firmly told him, “You will watch your language around my daughter, especially when she’s carrying your child.”
He pointedly raised an eyebrow at Griffin. Griffin still looked like he didn’t understand, but then, finally, the pieces clicked together. And when they did, he looked absolutely horrified. His eyes snapped to Anna’s stomach. “You’re pregnant?” By the way he’d said it, you’d think she had a bomb strapped to her. I contained a sigh. I knew he’d react this way. So had Anna…it was why she hadn’t told him.
Anna merely smirked at his comment though. Rolling her eyes, she said, “God, I hope our daughter somehow gets Kiera’s smarts…otherwise she’s doomed.”
In the span of three seconds, something happened with Griffin that I never would have expected. His face morphed into an expression I’d never seen on him before. It was soft, warm, almost…fond. “Daughter? We’re gonna have a girl?” he asked, his eyes shifting to Anna’s face, a small, accepting smile on his lips.
Anna’s eyes watered as she also saw the genuine tender emotion. She shook her head. “I don’t know yet. I just feel like…I feel like we made a girl.”
Griffin moved his hand to her stomach. It was like he’d suddenly become an entirely different person as he ran his thumb over where his child was resting, and in that instant…I could see it. I could see him as a father. I could see him caring for someone other than himself. And even weirder…I could see him being really good at it. Seeing it gave me hope. And damn if it didn’t make me love him.
Thank you for showing me I was wrong, Griffin. Thank you for not being a douche. Maybe now I won’t have to kill you.
I smiled when I heard Griffin murmur, “A girl…I’m gonna have a little girl?”
Anna’s response made my eyes snap to her. “I don’t know if I’m keeping her.” Really? Was she still considering adoption? Couldn’t she see how much he wanted this? I’d really thought his acceptance would change her mind.
Kiera’s mom stepped forward, but Martin held her back. Everyone but Kiera looked stunned by Anna’s statement, but no one was more stunned than Griffin. His gaze instantly returned to Anna’s tear-streaked face. “What? You can’t give away my kid,” he said, a surprising amount of anger in his voice.
There was panic on Griffin’s face as he started searching the bar for something…for me. His eyes locked on mine, and they were wide with fear; I’d never seen him look this way either, like something he cherished was about to be stolen from him. “She can’t do that, right, Kell? Don’t I have a say?”
I’d never wished more desperately to have an answer for him, but I had no fucking clue. I didn’t have any experience with this. I could tell he wanted comfort, but I didn’t have any to give him. I floundered for something to say, but thankfully, I didn’t have time to speak. Anna touched his cheek, returning his eyes to hers. Griffin trembled as she said, “I won’t…if you want to keep her…if you want to do this with me…I won’t give her up.”
I noticed Kiera holding her breath, noticed her parents clenching their hands together, but I instantly felt relaxed. I’d already seen Griffin’s truest, deepest desire—it had been written all over his face. I already knew what his decision would be, and I was smiling long before he finally said it. “Can we name her after my grandma?”
Anna started sobbing, and I saw the relief on her face as she hugged him. She wanted this baby too. She’d just been too scared, too worried, to admit it. But now, God, I’d never seen them look so happy. Evan and Matt glanced back at me, also smiling, also looking relieved. And excited. I was too, but as happy as I was about this, I still couldn’t believe that Griffin was going to be the first one of us to have a child. Maybe it really shouldn’t surprise me though. He was the most reckless one of us. He was going to need our help through this.
Matt confirmed that for me when I heard him lean down and tell Rachel, “One of us should probably tell her that Grandma’s name was Myrtle.”
Yes, he might be a good father, but Griffin was going to need a shit-ton of help to be a good parent. God help us all.
Chapter 36
MOVING FORWARD
I laughed at Matt’s comment and Griffin’s name choice. Evan twisted around to look at me. Shaking his head, he said, “Griffin is seriously going to be a dad? That’s one of the signs of the apocalypse, right?”
Jenny, beside him, laughed, and I nodded in agreement. “Yep. Our fate has been sealed.”
Evan laughed as I glanced at Anna and Griffin kissing. They seemed blissful, and I really hoped it lasted. But I had to wonder what this meant for them as a couple. Were they together now?
Returning my eyes to Evan, I said, “You know Griffin raising a child means we’ll all be raising a child, right? We might need to intervene on occasion.”
Evan nodded as he looked over at Anna and Griffin. “Yeah…we’ll have Matt draw up a schedule, so one of us can always be within earshot.”
I laughed at his comment. “That’s an excellent plan.”
Matt and Rachel had moved over to congratulate Anna and Griffin. Evan clapped my shoulder, then he and Jenny moved over with them. I could feel someone staring at me, and my eyes drifted over to Kiera. The look on her face was…odd. She was pale, her eyes were wide open, and her jaw was dropped in stunned surprise. My brow furrowed as I studied her expression. Why did she look like she’d just seen a ghost?
And that was when I remembered what was going on today. The monumental moment that I was not prepared for. All the blood drained from my face; I felt like all of it was draining from my entire body and something else was keeping me alive. Barely. I could feel the weight of eyes on my back, stares burning into me. My heart started racing. No. I change my mind. I don’t want to do this.
I closed my eyes, willing them to leave…ordering myself not to turn and look. If I don’t look, he’ll go away. It will be like this never happened.
I felt someone cupping my cheeks. Kiera. “Kellan…it’s time.” Her voice was soft, encouraging, but it wasn’t helping. My heart thundered in my chest. I felt faint.
Eyes firmly closed, I shook my head. “I can’t, Kiera.” Hating how weak I was, I grimaced as I cracked an eye open. “Ask them to come back later…I just can’t right now.”
Like she knew what I actually meant was I couldn’t ever, Kiera shook her head and soothingly rubbed my cheeks. “You can do this, Kellan…I know you can.”
She wants me to be strong. Brave. I can be brave. I let out a long, shaking exhale. Feeling anything but brave, I slowly twisted my head. Seeing Gavin in person was like a sock to the gut; it physically pushed me back a step, made tremors ripple through my body. Reaching down, I clenched Kiera’s hand like a lifeline. Gavin was older than in his picture, but still, exactly the same. He was tall, lean but muscular, with thick sandy-brown hair, a strong jaw, and the familiar, almost unreal deep-blue eyes. Looking at him was like looking into my future…and I hated it. Because looking like him had been the root of most of my problems as a child. Because he left me.
He lifted a hand to wave at me. Like we were friends. Like we were family.
We’re not. He didn’t want me.
I don’t want to know him. I don’t want to need him.
This hurts too much…I can’t…
Fear and panic slammed into me so hard, I started violently shaking, like I was freezing, and I couldn’t get warm. My gaze snapped to Kiera’s, and I started begging for my sanity. “I can’t…I can’t do this…please, let’s just go.” Don’t make me do this. I grabbed her arms, desperate to run. “I’ll go anywhere you want to go. Let’s just sneak out the back, and we can do anything you want to do…”
More words left my mouth, but they were incoherent to my brain. All I could think about was the fact that he was staring at me. He was here. And he was staring at me.
I. Can. Not. Do. This.
Kiera inhaled a deep breath and patiently waited for my words to run dry. I felt like I’d run a marathon once they had. Every part of me was exhausted. Every part of me ached. Absorbing the love in her tranquil eyes, I tried to calm my breathing, tried to squelch my fears. I only partly succeeded. “I’m scared,” I finally whispered, and I felt a tiny amount of relief in the confession.
Kiera nodded, her eyes moist with sympathy. “I know…but I’m here, and I’ll help you. Besides, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I could care.” I wasn’t sure if I’d said that out loud or not. If I had, Kiera’s expression didn’t change. I closed my eyes, gathering strength, then I nodded.
If I was going to get through this, I couldn’t let fear and panic be my driving force. That would have me running out the door, not finally confronting him. There was only one thing that would help me confront him, and maybe Kiera was right…maybe it was time that I did exactly that: confront the son of a bitch.
Hardening my core, I let a lifetime of abuse stoke my anger, my armor. Twisting to face him, I gripped Kiera tight. Her fingers in mine gave me strength, and I sucked it up like I was dying from the lack of it. I started walking toward Gavin, letting my rage flare. Every step, I let myself get more and more angry until I was so furious I could barely see.
I was almost in his face when I finally stopped. He didn’t react to my nearness, except to smile softly at me. “Hello, son,” he whispered.
Son? I almost decked him for saying that. I think I would have if Kiera hadn’t been holding my hand. I squeezed her fingers, hard. I gave Gavin a curt nod, since I couldn’t speak yet, my throat was cinched tight. Then I waited for him to start the conversation. What was so important that you had to hound me every day for six fucking months? I glared as I waited, but he didn’t say anything, he just kept fucking staring at me. Now you have nothing to say? Really? Fucking asshole.
That was when I felt a hand on my arm. I looked down to see Hailey giving me a cautious half-smile, and the raging anger inside me started diminishing. I’d been so focused on Gavin, I hadn’t even noticed Hailey and Riley yet. Suddenly realizing how hard I was holding Kiera’s hand, I made myself relax and back up a step.
Hailey put her hand on our little brother’s shoulder. The tension dissolved in me as I looked at him. His hair was just a smidge darker than mine, but he had it in a messy shag that was a pretty fair imitation of mine. I had to wonder if that was intentional. His eyes were lighter, more of a spring-day blue than deep-lake blue. But his face…
It was like looking into the past, and I was instantly reminded of myself at his age…if I could see myself without the emotional scars that had hovered around me. Because I didn’t see any trauma in the openness of Riley’s expression, didn’t see any sign of needing to be rescued in the innocence of his eyes. Looking at him choked me up. He was what I could have been…if life had given me a chance.
Hailey introduced us, and Riley—looking awestruck—extended his hand to me. “Wow, I watched some of your shows online. You’re…really good. I just started playing the guitar, but I hope I’m as good as you someday.” God, even his voice sounded like mine had, although, his lacked the edge of sarcasm, sadness, and fear.
Riley gave me a smile that matched the awe in his voice, and I laughed a little. He shouldn’t idolize me…but it was sweet that he did. Scuffing his messy hair, I told him, “Maybe I can teach you a thing or two one day.”
I heard Gavin making an emotional noise as he cleared his throat, and I peeked up at him. The look on his face was heavy with relief and regret. I felt trapped by his expression, and I couldn’t look away from him. Now that the anger was gone, the pain was starting to return. And so was the desire to run.
Hailey said something to Riley about giving us a minute, then she pulled him away. I felt Kiera’s hand in mine slipping, like she was going to leave too, and I instantly gripped her tight; I needed her here, I needed her strength. I felt like mine had completely left me.
Kiera put her hand on my arm, silently telling me that she wasn’t going anywhere. Gavin looked pained as he started talking. “Look, I know you’re mad at me…for walking out on you, and I don’t blame you, but I was young and foolish, and I hope you can give me a chance to make—”
Every word out of his mouth rekindled the anger inside me. And the fact that—like Riley—his voice also sounded like mine. Holding onto the fire in my stomach, I cut him off with a question. “Do you know what they did to me?”
He looked genuinely confused as he furrowed his brow. “Who? Your parents?”
The word parents coming from him made a flash of rage go through me. Assholes was more appropriate. I gave him a stiff nod in answer, then asked him the only question that truly mattered to me. “Did you know what they would do…how they would raise me…when you left? Did you know what sort of people they were?” If you did…just leave now. Because there will never be anything between us.
He still looked confused. “John and Susan? What are you talking about?” His eyes narrowed as he studied me, and I couldn’t tell if he was genuinely baffled, or if he just didn’t want to admit it, admit he knew exactly what kind of hell he was leaving me in.
Hearing my parents’ names from his lips was like a slap to the face, and I instinctively cringed. Needing an answer, I stepped toward him again, getting in his face again. My body coiled with tension as I clarified my question for him. “Did you know that you left me with people who would viciously abuse me…day in, day out?” Riley’s innocence flashed in my mind. That could have been me. You stole that from me. But did you do it on purpose? Voice shaking with pain, I spit out, “Did…you…know?”
All the blood drained from his face, and he was suddenly sickeningly pale. His dark blue eyes filled with tears as he studied me, as he absorbed the fact that I wasn’t joking, I wasn’t exaggerating. My life had been shit. Complete and utter shit.
“Kellan…no…I had no idea. I thought…” He paused to swallow, and I swear he looked like he was about to be sick. Seeing that reaction softened me more than his words. It truly seemed like he didn’t know. “I thought I was leaving you to a happy home, happier than I could have given you back then.”
He reached out to touch my arm, and it was only then that I realized I was shaking. “I know you won’t understand, but I was a mess back then. I didn’t know what I was doing. I got caught up in something with your mother that…was a horrible mistake,” he said with a sigh. Eyes widening, he quickly added, “Not that you were a mistake, just, the situation…”
