Painful, page 32
Not giving him the satisfaction of acknowledging his belittling comment, I said, “Hey, Paul. I’m kind of in the middle of something…could I have a moment alone, please?”
Paul smirked at me as he walked closer. Paul was the type who was trying too hard in my opinion. From the disheveled hair to the ripped-up clothes, the heavy eye makeup, and his wrists and fingers covered in jewelry, he just seemed…fake. “Fight with your girlfriend? She cheat on you yet?”
His comment, and his addition of the word “yet” climbed right under my skin, and I finally settled on an emotion. Clenching my fingers around my phone, I forced myself to keep my hands at my sides, and not slug him. “Leave me the fuck alone,” I told him.
He didn’t like that. “What the fuck’s your problem?” He’d said that louder than he needed to. He wanted attention. Wanted people to see me as the villain here. Problem was, he was making me want to act like the villain. His overdone face was getting more and more tempting by the second.
Goddamn it. Picking a fight with someone I had to share a bus with was not going to help the rest of this tour. Swallowing my pride, I walked around him, back toward the bus door. That finally made him happy. “That’s what I thought,” he muttered.
I almost stopped. I almost turned around and walked back over to him. And that was when Evan stepped out of the bus, his eyes concerned as he looked my way. He’d heard the asshole’s exclamation, and he’d known I was still out here. Evan also knew the murderous look on my face—he’d seen it a time or two. His eyes flashed between me and Paul, then he started minutely shaking his head. I could practically hear his thoughts. Don’t do it, man. Just let it go.
Closing my eyes, I kept on with my slow pace to the bus. I reopened them at the door, and looked up at Evan. “I’m going for a run now. If that fucker follows me, I will kill him.”
Evan nodded, then clapped my shoulder. “I’ll help you bury the body,” he said with a smirk.
A small laugh escaped me, and I felt the tension dissolving. Evan laughed too…then he stood guard outside the bus while I got changed. Damn. I owed that man so fucking much it was ridiculous.
* * *
The next couple of days lasted so long, but eventually Christmas Eve rolled around, and I was on a plane, heading to Kiera. The energy coursing through me was almost too much to bear, and I found myself constantly moving. I had to be annoying the shit out of the person sitting beside me on the plane, but the older woman just smiled whenever she looked at me.
I stared out the dark window, willing time to speed up. Who knew a plane could feel so…slow.
I nearly groaned with relief when we finally touched down. It was hard to not shove everyone out of my way and burst out of the plane. It took a lot of patience, but I waited my turn. The woman beside me grinned when I handed her carry-on bag to her. Then she handed me a business card with her phone number underlined. She was gone before I could even hand it back to her. She hadn’t even said a word to me the entire flight. I could easily picture Griffin standing there, shaking his head in irritation. It made me laugh.
Leaving the card on my seat, I exited the plane.
I sped-walked to the taxi line, then cursed under my breath that there was a line. A long line. A pair of women in front of me offered to split their cab with me, but I declined. I’ll wait for my own. I have somewhere to be. I’d thought Kiera would want to meet at her parents’ place, but instead she’d given me a park name and instructions on where to find her there. Something about a duck pond and a bench. I’d figure it out. I liked the idea of a moment of privacy with her before I met her family.
When I finally got a cab, I read the text to the driver, hoping he understood. Thankfully, he seemed to know where to go, so I relaxed back in the seat and watched the world go by. I debated texting Kiera that I was on my way, but I didn’t. I wanted to surprise her. Even though she knew I was coming so none of this was truly a surprise. My giddy excitement to see her again made me laugh. Had I ever been this anxious for something? I didn’t think so. God, I was so pathetic.
We arrived at the park near Ohio University, and I thanked and paid the driver. The cab left as I stood there absorbing the scene. It was lightly snowing, and the grass and trees were covered in a sheen of white. Everything was so damn peaceful, it calmed me. There was only one car in the parking lot, barely a hint of snow on it. I grinned as I realized that had to be Kiera’s car. She’s out there somewhere, waiting for me.
Smiling, I set off in search of my angel.
Walking down a hill toward the pond, I spotted Kiera sitting on a bench. Her back was to me, and she was looking down, but even still—my breath caught, and my heart started pounding. God, she’s beautiful. God, I’ve missed her. Had she felt just a fraction of what I’d felt during these last couple of months? Had every day been a little bit of a struggle for her, like it had been for me? She told me she missed me all the time, but was the air thinner when I was gone, was the world muted, were the good times a little sad, and were the bad times especially devastating…like they were for me without her around? Did she really miss me? Or was that just something that was said to be comforting, and her life…it hadn’t really changed all that much? She was trying to not need a man anymore after all. Maybe she didn’t. Maybe she was finally okay being alone. Maybe she didn’t need me. Will she stay with me if she doesn’t need me?
Stop. Just…stop. She loves you, and she’s right in front of you. That’s all that matters right now.
The doubt and sadness evaporated as I let that fact settle inside me. She’s here, she’s mine. Kiera still hadn’t sensed me as I continued walking down the hill. It amused me that she hadn’t. Her thoughts must be a million miles away. Thoughts of me? I hoped so. I paused by a large tree at the base of the hill. I was only a few feet away from her now, but in her blind spot. There was a light post on the other side of her, and bathed in the edge of its glow, I could see her clearly. Her full lips were in a slight pout as she stared at her phone. The snow was falling on her, around her, her cheeks were rosy, her dark hair darker…she was breathtaking, and for a moment, I was struck still and silent, helpless to do anything but gaze at her.
How did someone like me end up here, with that beautiful, intoxicating, warm, wonderful woman in love with him? Why did it still feel so surreal?
Careful to not make a sound, I lowered my bag to the ground and pulled out my cell phone. Kiera was frowning. Was she upset I was late? Getting a taxi had taken a lot longer than I’d expected. I knew seeing me would make her smile. But first, I couldn’t resist teasing her. It had been too long. And it was especially hard to resist considering the fact that I was right behind her; she really should have sensed me by now. She should have much better spatial awareness if she was going to sit in a park at night.
I stared at the phone for a moment, trying to remember what Matt had said about turning the sound off. Was it this button? It seemed to get quieter as I pressed it, so I had to assume that was it. I almost laughed at my own ineptitude, but that would give away my position. I quickly texted Kiera a very disappointing message. ‘I’m sorry…I can’t make it.’
When I heard the message chime on her phone, I could tell I’d startled her. I had to clench my stomach to not laugh. Lifting an eyebrow, I waited for her to look around, call me on my bluff. Come on, Kiera. You know I wouldn’t miss this. You have to know I’m fucking with you.
She slumped when she read the message though. She believed me? My phone lit up with a new message—a silent one. Ha! Take that, Matt. I did it right. Kiera didn’t notice the light from my phone. As I read her message, I saw that she really had believed me. She really had no idea I was here. ‘Really? But it’s Christmas…’ she’d texted.
I frowned as I looked at her. You really can’t tell I’m right here? But clearly, she couldn’t. She was starting to wipe tears from her eyes, and she was sniffling. Was she crying? For me? I bit my lip and took a step forward. I hadn’t meant to make her cry. I was sure she’d look around for me, then spot me instantly, then, maybe, throw a snowball at me. But she hadn’t looked for me, and I’d accidentally crushed her. But…witnessing the pain…while it made me want to run over and hold her, it was also filling me with warmth, with love, with relief. Maybe it was wrong, but seeing her grief made me feel…wanted. She does miss me. Knowing it, seeing it, made me feel buoyant, like something inside me was being patched.
Smiling, I realized I had an opportunity to make her feel just as amazing as I felt right now. I could give her a genuine surprise. A Christmas miracle, so to speak. It would just require her to feel a little worse first. But just for a second. I wouldn’t let her suffer long. Hoping she didn’t kill me later, I typed back, ‘Yeah, I know. I tried…I’m really sorry.’ Smiling, I added another message, one I already knew the answer to. ‘Are you okay? You’re not crying, are you?’
She scoffed at the phone, wiping her nose, wiping her tears. A heartbeat later, I read her response. ‘No…I’m fine. I know you tried. I’m okay…really.’
Liar, liar…but in a sweet way. She was trying to spare me guilt. I should put her out of her misery. Especially since she was starting to cry in earnest. Grinning, I typed back something that should clue her in to the fact that I was messing with her. ‘You’re lying.’
A sob escaped her before her phone chimed, and I felt a stab of guilt. Was this sweet? Or was I being a dick? I’ll make it up to her if I am.
She didn’t seem to understand my clue after reading my text. Sounding a little annoyed at my presumptive message, she murmured, “Am not…”
Latching onto that opportunity, I instantly typed, ‘Are too.’
Kiera seemed dumbfounded by my omniscient message, and I had to bite my lip to stop from laughing. She held the phone away from her like it was alive, then she started flipping through it like she was looking to see if she’d texted that to me. You didn’t, Kiera. I heard you because I’m right behind you. My stomach hurt from not laughing. Oh God, maybe Evan was right…I was a dick. She was so fucking cute though. I’d frazzled her enough that she wasn’t making sense. If you’d texted me, it would be the last message sent. Even I knew that.
I heard her say, “How did you know that, Kellan?” and I had to grab my stomach.
Shaking my head, I sent her another message. ‘I know that because I know everything.’ She looked genuinely alarmed now. Grinning, I immediately sent her another one. ‘I also lied…turn around.’
I stepped away from the tree as she finally turned around on the bench. Just as I’d predicted, the look on her face as she took me in was one of extreme joy—so much more than what she would have felt if I’d just strolled up to her and said hello. It was a little mean, sure, but now…now she knew how I felt every time I looked at her. Every day this is what being with you feels like to me. Now do you understand?
She breathed my name, and I started walking her way. That wasn’t fast enough for her; she was already running toward me, slipping and sliding on the frozen ground. She collided into me, wrapping her arms around my neck. Lightly laughing, I lifted her up and spun her in a circle before returning her to the ground. She laughed as she stared at me, and I felt contently trapped by the love in her eyes. Jesus, it’s so good to see you.
I was lowering my mouth to hers, eager to taste her again, when she pushed me back. The joy on her face shifted to annoyance. “You were kidding? You’re such a jerk.”
I laughed at her comment, and the cuteness of her anger. She was right, but still, I had to tease her. “I thought I was a prick?”
She shook her head at me, but then she grabbed my cheeks and pulled me into her—a silent demand to kiss her. The feel of her soft lips on mine almost made me whimper. It had been…so long. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her tight, and I finally felt whole again. Utterly complete.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” I murmured.
Her hands tangled into my hair, sending fire down my body. “I’m just glad you’re here,” she answered.
I pulled away from her hungry lips to look at her, to let this moment fully seep in. Because it was starting to feel like a dream, and I couldn’t quite banish the horrible feeling that I was about to wake up. Absorbing the feel of her, the smell of her, the heat in her eyes, the shape of her lips, I whispered, “I’ve missed you…so much.” I didn’t know how I’d have enough strength to leave her again. I couldn’t think about it yet.
Smiling, she sought my lips again. “I’ve missed you too.”
Long minutes passed as we stood there, kissing in the lightly falling snow. I could have stayed there forever, with my arms locked around her, reveling in her passion as I fed her my own, but I could feel her trembling…and not because of me.
I pushed her back during a break in our lips. “We should go. You’re frozen.”
Her jaw shook when she answered me. “I’m fine.”
I had to smirk at that. She was far from fine. “Your teeth are chattering,” I said.
She leaned up, trying to pull my head down, trying to find my lips again. “I don’t care…”
Her refusal to stop kissing me was adorable, but if she got much colder, warming her up would be painful, not pleasant. With an amused laugh, I grabbed her waist and forcefully twisted her around, making her let go of me. Then I pulled her into my body, her back against my chest, and slung my arms over her, doing what I could to keep her warm. In her ear, I told her, “Well, I care.”
She leaned into me, and my heart started beating faster, my body started responding. There was more than one reason why I wanted to get out of here. “Besides, I can’t make love to you out here…”
She immediately stepped forward and grabbed my hand. Leading me away, she said, “You’re right…it is getting pretty cold.”
Looking down, I shook my head at her. And here she liked to claim that anything that had to do with sex sold me on an idea. We’re not so different, Kiera. You want me too. And you missed me too. Wanting her to feel better about me teasing her earlier, I looked up at her. She was looking back at me with love and interest on her face.
My grin grew playful as she pulled me forward. “I know my trick was a little mean, but it did prove one very important thing.”
She moved to walk beside me, looping her arm around mine. “Besides the fact that you haven’t changed…that you’re still a prick?” she asked, amusement in her voice.
With a laugh, I nodded. “Yes, aside from that.” There was so much adoration on her face as she stared up at me, it again made me worry that I’d fallen asleep on that plane somehow…that this was all a fantasy. Shaking my head, I whispered, “You really did miss me.” I’d meant to say it lighthearted and playful, but instead it had come out as…wonder. And that was exactly how I felt—wonderous.
How is this my life? Someone had missed me. Someone had cried for me. Because I hadn’t been there. Mind-boggling.
Kiera stopped us. She just stared at me for a moment. The disbelief was so thick in her eyes, I had to swallow the ball of emotion forming in my throat. Somehow me trying to make light of my assholishness had morphed into me cutting open my heart, and now I was beginning to hemorrhage.
Shaking her head, she placed a hand on my cheek. “Of course I missed you. I missed you every day, every hour…practically every second.”
I gave her a soft smile, then looked away. I shouldn’t have let that moment get so serious. Did it make it sound like I’d doubted her? Or did it just make me sound pathetic? “Yeah, I saw that,” I told her. Remembering seeing her grief for me made a swell of something dark and painful stir within me, something I thought I’d shoved down farther than I had, something I wished I could rip out of my body and be done with forever: a bitter blend of loneliness, sorrow, fear, and desperation. My voice was thick with the resurfaced emotions when I spoke again. “I just…No one’s ever missed me before…” No one ever cared enough to miss me before.
Kiera’s hand moved to my chin, pulling my gaze back to hers. “I miss you when you’re gone. I feel like I can’t breathe when you’re away. I think about you so often, it borders on obsession. I love you…so much.” Her eyes were intent as she studied me, like she was trying to drill the words deep into my brain, all the way into my subconscious where I wouldn’t forget them…or doubt them.
Her words were everything I’d ever wanted to hear, and a swell of love shot right up my chest, into my throat, making speech impossible. Overwhelmed, I gave her a tight smile and a small nod; it was all I could do.
Chapter 20
NOTHING COMPARES
I felt completely at peace again when we arrived at Kiera’s parents’ place. The quaint, two-story house was completely dark. That surprised me. I’d sort of expected her dad to be awake, waiting for me. Maybe pacing the porch, shotgun in hand. But it seemed like he’d gone to bed. Maybe this wouldn’t be as bad as I thought.
Kiera giggled after she shut the car off. Lifting my head from the seat, I looked over at her. She had an almost childlike giddiness about her. It was adorable. “Want to see my room?” By the look on her face, you’d think she’d just said something truly scandalous. She was so cute.
I told her I’d love to, then I grabbed my bag and we headed inside. It felt like we were breaking and entering as we stepped into the living room. Kiera even cautioned me to be quiet by placing her finger to her pursed lips. It made me want to laugh, but I did what she requested and only smiled as I shook my head at her.
Kiera pointed to an ancient couch covered in plastic. Plastic? Who actually wrapped their couch in plastic anymore? It looked extremely uncomfortable. Dashing my spirits about this trip, she whispered, “You can leave your bag here. That’s where you’ll be sleeping.”
Frowning, I raised an eyebrow at her. Seriously? We can’t share a bed? I could understand her dad being pissed about us having sex under his roof, but even just lying next to each other—fully clothed—was off the table? Did he think my sperm was that potent? And besides, didn’t Evan say they probably wanted grandkids anyway? Can’t give you a grandkid if I can’t have sex with your daughter. Just saying.
