Painful, page 37
I spotted Lana near the stage entrance when it was our turn. She nodded at me, a polite smile on her lips. I nodded back. I hope you like it. The crowd was massive when we got into place, and there were a surprising number of shirts and signs…for us. It was so weird. And incredible. We played our hearts out, I sang my heart out, and when it was over, the screaming and cheering fueled a burning fire deep inside me. Fuck, I love this.
Lana stopped me when I stepped off the stage. Her smile bright, she shook her head. “That was spectacular. I truly hope you can consistently recreate that kind of energy and interaction with the crowd, while still sounding just as good as you did tonight.”
I nodded at her, my smile equally brilliant. “That’s always our goal,” I told her. Matt wouldn’t put up with anything less from us, a fact I was suddenly grateful for. If we did make it, it would be because of his tenacity.
As the shows continued, it seemed like a good portion of the tour was buzzing about Lana. She was a constant presence beside the stage, absorbing every band’s performance, and absorbing the crowd’s reaction to every band. Some of the bands froze up, and I could tell they were playing differently under her scrutiny. Seeing the disintegration of their talent worried me, because I was pretty sure the guys hadn’t heard about Lana yet…and I knew there would be a couple of issues if they did find out.
One was Matt. He was already coping with stage fright, and I really didn’t know what adding this kind of pressure would do to him. He might soar. He might crash and burn. And if he choked and that cost us this opportunity, he would never be the same. He just wouldn’t get over it—ever. I really didn’t want that kind of guilt on his conscious; he was too gifted to get lost inside his own head.
The second problem, and possibly the bigger one, was Griffin. He was already a megalomaniac, and I really didn’t know what this kind of attention would do to him. He might take it in stride, or he might try to forcefully take Matt’s instrument from him, so he could selfishly try to prove he was top dog. That might lead to a very vocal fight…and a very definite rejection from the label. And the band would never be the same after that.
No, the best thing for the D-Bags right now was ignorance, so I started doing everything I could to make sure the guys had no clue Lana was here scouting for talent. Mainly, I simply never mentioned it to them, and I begged everyone who did know why she was here to not mention it to them either. I hated hiding something so important from my friends, but this secret was for their own good. And honestly, it was still a long shot. I didn’t want to get their hopes up only to let them down if we failed. It would be much easier to go back home if they never knew how close we’d been.
Every band member I talked to was sympathetic to my request; they’d seen their own bands crumble under the strain. In truth, Paul was the only guy on the tour I was worried about. He would gladly spill my secret and traumatize my friends just so we would bomb. So, to head off that problem, I also asked people not to tell him that I was withholding information from my band. It wasn’t that much of an issue because nobody on the tour had a problem with not talking to Paul; nobody liked him, not even his own bandmates.
But it sucked so much not talking to the guys about Lana, not talking to anyone about her. I couldn’t even tell Evan. I was pretty sure it wouldn’t affect his playing any, but he’d probably tell Jenny and she might tell Rachel…I couldn’t risk Matt finding out, so I didn’t tell anyone anything. Not even Kiera. I was sure she wouldn’t tell anyone if I begged her not to, so it wasn’t out of necessity that I kept it from her. No, my silence with Kiera was more from…insecurity. She was just so damn sure I could do anything. But if I wasn’t good enough, if I screwed this up and proved to her that she was wrong about me…well, just the thought of her disappointment killed me a little.
Again, it was better all-around if no one I deeply cared about knew the truth. God, it was starting to feel like my entire life revolved around keeping secrets now. I fucking hated it. But I didn’t have a choice.
“Are you sure you don’t want to tell them?”
I looked over to see Justin’s pale eyes studying my bandmates. I knew exactly what he was talking about. “Yeah, it’s better if they don’t know. They’ll play better.”
Justin tilted his head, then nodded. “Makes sense. I told my guys not to mention anything to them. They won’t.”
Nodding, I let out a long breath. “How much longer is Lana going to be here?”
He shrugged. “Don’t know. She’s looking to see who can hack it long term, so it might be a while.” He paused, then asked, “Is it getting to you?”
I gave him a half-smile. “Keeping it from everyone is getting to me. I could use a break from thinking.” And from Gavin’s incessant interruptions. He’d texted me five times yesterday. And every time I saw his number on my screen, a wave of guilt hit me. I shouldn’t have lied to Kiera. I should tell her the truth. But I can’t.
Justin studied my face, and he suddenly looked worried. Did I look bad? I did feel a little…worn. All of this secrecy was starting to eat at me, slowly and surely driving me to the edge of sanity. Justin clapped my shoulder. “Yeah, you look like a man who needs to get fucked up. Good thing we’re staying here tonight.”
He smiled, then motioned at someone across the room. I turned to see a couple of his bandmates heading our way—Trey and Jason. “Hey, after our set we’re going drinking. And by drinking, I mean we’re getting Kellan shitfaced.”
I frowned at him. “I said I wanted to stop thinking. That doesn’t mean I want to start heaving.”
Justin swished his hand at me. “You’ll thank me later.”
I had a feeling I wouldn’t.
All of Avoiding Redemption ended up going out with us, and sadly, I did end up drinking way too much. Evan practically had to carry me to our hotel room. I was laughing as he let me fall onto the bed.
“Ev…you’re the best.”
Slight smile on his face, he shook his head. “And you’re blitzed.”
I laughed again. “That doesn’t make it not true…you are the best.”
He patted my knee. “Goodnight, Kellan.”
As he got ready for bed, I stared up at the ceiling. Then I grabbed my phone and stared at the screen, debating. I looked at my messages, at the numerous ones I was careful to never read. There were more from today, I’d ignored at least three. God…Gavin was so damn persistent. Maybe I should just talk to him…get it over with. I could send him one message—tell him to leave me the fuck alone. I almost did it. My finger was right there. But even wasted, the thought of contacting him nauseated me. He won’t leave me alone. He’ll just think I’m finally talking.
Ignoring him, I scrolled down to Denny’s name. It had been a long time since we’d talked. Since I didn’t have a clue what time it was in his area, I texted him a message instead of calling him. ‘Hey. How are you?’
I waited…but he didn’t respond. Maybe it was late there. Or early. I didn’t even know what fucking time it was here, let alone there. Pretending he had responded, I texted, ‘Things are good here. I guess. Hope you’re doing all right.’ At least, that was what I meant to type. My fingers missed a few letters.
After I sent the garbled message, I wondered if I should have done that. Maybe Denny didn’t really want to talk to me anymore. Maybe I was bugging him. Maybe I should just let that friendship go. But the thing was…I couldn’t. He mattered to me. He probably always would.
Annoyed at myself, I texted Kiera. ‘I really miss you.’ Again, my slow fingers missed some letters, and my message didn’t exactly look like my thoughts. I hit send anyway.
Kiera’s response was instant. ‘I miss you too. Sing to me?’
Grinning, I called her. “What do you want to hear?”
She laughed, and I closed my eyes, savoring the sound. “Mainly just your voice. Sing anything.”
A low laugh escaped me, then I started singing a song that had been playing at the bar. Kiera started laughing, and I stopped singing when I realized what song was in my head. She Hates Me. The unedited version. Probably not what she had in mind. I was practically giggling when Evan stepped out of the bathroom. He eyed me laughing into the phone, then guessing who I was talking to, he leaned over and loudly said, “Sorry, Kiera, we got him pretty drunk.”
She sighed in my ear. “That explains a lot. Was there a special occasion? Or…something else?” Her voice suddenly sounded strange, and my hazy brain couldn’t place the emotion. Worry?
I shook my head. “Just got carried away…sorry.”
Another wistful sound met my ear. “You don’t have to apologize for letting off steam. I just…I just want you to be safe.”
A sleepy smile crossed my lips, and I closed my eyes. “I’m always safe,” I told her. Wrapped in her love where nothing could truly hurt me. And knowing that, feeling that, made the alcohol-induced relaxation inside me shift into something deeper, something even more peaceful. Justin was right; I’d needed this mental reprieve. “Just ask Evan,” I added in a murmur.
Evan laughed on his bed, then said in a clear voice, “Yep, he’s fine, Kiera. We got ‘em.”
Kiera laughed again, then sighed again. “Good. I’m glad he’s looking out for you.”
I made an agreeing sound deep in my throat. A devious thought struck me as I pictured her biting her lip, sprawled out on her comfortable bed. Grinning, I asked her a question in my low, seductive, sexy voice. “What are you wearing right now?”
I was instantly hit by one of Evan’s pillows. “No!” he scolded when I looked over at him. Face stern, he pointed a finger at me. “I am tired, and I am not listening to that again. Say goodbye, Kellan.”
Smiling at him, I brightly said, “Goodbye, Kellan.”
He rolled his eyes at me, letting out a frustrated groan as he laid back down, and I started laughing again. Kiera softly laughed with me, then she said, “You should get some sleep, drunk boy. I love you…so much.”
“I love you too, Kiera. Just…you.” Peeking over at my annoyed bandmate, I added, “And Evan.”
Evan didn’t open his eyes, but he grinned.
Chapter 23
SECRETS
The tension of my many secrets crept back into me as time trudged onward. A part of me wanted to get plastered every night, just so I could let go of my demons for a while, but I knew that wasn’t the right way to handle this. I just had to be patient. Once Lana left, at least one of my torments would be gone. The rest…I’d just have to deal with.
We were on the bus more and more lately, having left the east coast behind as the tour continued. We were ambling our way through the Midwest now. The drives were long, the views were dull…it was boring. And it allowed me far too much time to dwell. I distracted myself from thoughts I didn’t want to have by flipping through the photo album of Kiera and me. Seeing her content face in those photos reminded me of simpler times. Would we ever be like that again?
“Who’s the girl? She’s hot.”
I looked up to see a guy named Benji looking over my shoulder, staring at a photo of Kiera. His smile was a bit too pleased for my taste, but I shoved down the possessiveness stirring inside me. He was right after all. She was hot. “My girlfriend…Kiera.”
His smile suddenly started to fade, his expression turning dour. “She kind of reminds me of my girlfriend…well, my ex-girlfriend, I guess.”
His eyes hardened, and I fought back the discomfort in my stomach. Benji’s breakup was on the more recent side, just after the holidays. He hadn’t taken the news well. It hadn’t helped that she’d ditched him over a text message. She’d left him for his brother. His twin brother. He was all sorts of messed up.
“Sorry,” I told him, not knowing what else to say.
I started to close the book, and that seemed to snap him out of his dark thoughts. Shaking his head, he told me, “Do yourself a favor…don’t get attached.”
He walked away, to go sit by himself at the front of the bus. The sudden lump in my throat was painful. Too late. I didn’t think it was possible to get more attached to Kiera than I was right now. I debated calling her, to reaffirm our connection, but Matt walked by and the look on his face distracted me. He seemed introspective. That wasn’t all that odd, but what he was doing was definitely curious. He was slowly pacing up and down the aisle, looking deep in thought, except whenever he got close to me. Then he would unflinchingly stare at me for a solid ten seconds before dropping his eyes to the floor.
After his third pass of staring at me without talking to me, I stuck my arm into the aisle, stopping him. When our eyes met, I said, “What?”
He sighed, looked down, then started shaking his head. “Nothing.”
Bullshit. He wanted something. “Matt…what?”
He closed his eyes, and the expression on his face…it almost seemed like he wanted to make a run for it, but there was annoyance there too. What the hell? Was he mad at me or something? I couldn’t think of any reason why he would be…unless…had he found out about Lana? Shit. Would he understand why I hadn’t told him? Would he still perform the same, knowing she was studying him?
Matt finally sat down across from me. He seemed antsy now, constantly moving and twitching. He looked around, like he wanted to make sure we were alone, or as alone as we could be on the bus. Then he leaned forward. “I just…had a question.”
I relaxed a little. If he was curious about something, maybe he didn’t know about Lana. “Okay. About what?”
He ran his hand through his short, spikey hair, and he suddenly looked like he wanted to disappear. His cheeks were even getting red. Seriously, what the hell? Shaking his head, he started to stand. “Never mind.”
I grabbed his forearm, holding him in place. “Dude, just ask me.” Before your head explodes.
He collapsed into the seat with a sigh. “Okay, it’s just…” He looked around again and lowered his voice. “You remember a while back when we were at that diner…”
My brows bunched. We’d been to a lot of diners. Matt sighed when he saw that I didn’t understand. “You know…that one time when you were on the phone with Kiera…”
Understanding instantly flooded me. “Right…” Narrowing my eyes, I studied Matt. Was he mad at me for that? Why hadn’t he said anything before now? He didn’t look mad though, and he hadn’t looked mad that night. Sometimes the things I did embarrassed Matt, but he typically didn’t get angry at me. He only really got angry at me when I blew off the band. I didn’t want to guess what his problem was though. If he was mad, I needed to know. “Did that bother you? I’m sorry if—”
He cut me off. “No, no, that’s not it, I just…” He paused to bite his lip. “I was wondering if you could…I wanted to try…” He exhaled in a huff, frustrated that he couldn’t tell me what he wanted. I was pretty sure I finally got it though.
Giving him a soft smile, I raised an eyebrow. “You want to have phone sex with Rachel, but you’re not sure what to say?”
He looked both mortified and relieved. “Yeah…I don’t even know how to bring it up. Do you have any…I don’t know…tips? You’re just…good at that kind of stuff.” He shrugged, like that was just a well-known fact.
I contained my grin. His comment was amusing, but I didn’t want to make him anymore self-conscious than he already was. Looking around the bus, I searched for the one person who could make this moment an absolute nightmare for Matt. Griffin was preoccupied though, playing a violent-looking card game with a couple of guys. Perfect.
Nodding at Matt, I told him, “Step into my office.” Then I tilted my head toward the back of the bus. Matt grinned, finally looking happy.
Once we were safely behind the closed door of the back bedroom, Matt seemed overly nervous again. He even started pacing again. This space was way too small for that kind of energy. I pointed at the thin mattress. “Oh my God, sit down and relax.”
He cringed but sat down. “Sorry. This is weird for me.”
I gave him a soft, encouraging smile. “I know. But it doesn’t need to be. None of it needs to be weird. She loves you, man. And I guarantee you she misses you.”
He gave me a dopey, lovesick smile, and I laughed at the look on his face. Then I clapped my hands together. “Now let’s get you in her pants, figurately speaking.”
Matt groaned as he laid back on the mattress. I laughed again. Oops. Probably shouldn’t tease him.
For the next several minutes, I tried to get Matt to engage in a conversation with me. It took him at least twenty minutes, but eventually he started loosening up and asking questions, and it became more of a back-and-forth discussion and less of a one-sided lecture. By the time we were finished, he looked a little more confident that he would be able to do it. I was pretty sure he could…once he got out of his own head.
“It won’t be as difficult as you think, I promise. And eventually you’ll get to a point where you don’t give a fuck what you’re saying, and then it will feel more natural.” I’d never actually had phone sex before, not for real anyway, but it made sense to me. It seemed to make sense to Matt too.
“Thanks, Kell,” he said, content smile on his face.
“Anytime.” I shrugged.
Matt left the bedroom with a blissful smile on his face, and all I could do was shake my head. Huh. Maybe if the whole rock star thing didn’t work out, I could teach a class on all things sexual. Professor Kyle, at your service. God…Kiera would kill me. Helping friends out was one thing, helping complete strangers, especially if a lot of them were women…no. I think I’ll stick to music.
When I got back to the lounging area of the bus, Matt seemed a lot more relaxed. He’d even joined the card game with Griffin, and their table was loud with laughter. I pulled out my phone, wanting to talk to Kiera now.
