Painful, page 3
Her breath picked up pace as I crawled over her, like I mesmerized her, like just the thought of being with me had her on the brink. Did she know I felt the same way? That just being able to touch her amazed me? That all she had to do was touch my cheek, and I flamed with need? That she was the only person on Earth who could undo me?
She had so much power over me, and she didn’t even realize it. Sometimes, I was sure Kiera had no idea why I was with her. Why I’d chosen her. Why my heart was utterly hers. And right then and there, I decided, she would understand. Before we moved in together, before we took that next step, she would get it, just like she intrinsically got everything else about me. And then she wouldn’t wonder why we were together anymore. She’d just…know.
Chapter 2
GHOSTS
I woke up with a start, and the darkness of the room instantly pressed in on me. Where was I? A warm body resting beside me rekindled my memory. I’d fallen asleep with Kiera. I was in her bedroom. I was safe. My heart raced as I let out a long exhale, and I knew I’d awoken from something…intense. Thankfully, not a trace of my dream remained with me. Those were my favorite dreams—the ones I couldn’t remember.
Sitting up, I scrubbed my eyes. Nightmares were nothing new to me. My subconscious frequently tormented me with my past. The worst dreams were the ones that mixed my childhood with the present, providing a dire commentary on my current life. I’d do anything to shut off the dreams. Things were good now. I could let it go.
Careful to not disturb Kiera, I climbed out of bed and started my daily exercise routine. Pushups, crunches, pushups, crunches. Whatever it took to clear my mind. When I was done, I got dressed and headed to the kitchen to start the coffee brewing. Kiera would want some when she woke up, which wouldn’t be long after I started the pot. My girl could sleep through just about anything, but the aroma of freshly brewed beans almost always roused her.
One of the best sounds in the world met my ear a couple minutes later—warm liquid dribbling into an oversized carafe. The smell reminded me of Kiera, of our stolen moments together in the mornings. The color reminded me of the darker sections of her eyes, and I smiled like an idiot as the pot began to fill. Song in my heart, I started humming as I grabbed some mugs. That was when I heard the apartment door being unlocked. Anna must finally be home.
I set two mugs on the counter right as Anna stepped into the apartment. “Hey, Kellan, good morning.”
“Mornin’, Anna. You’re out late…or early.”
Walking into the small kitchen, Anna dumped her mammoth bag onto the floor with a sigh. She was wearing tight pants and an even tighter top, and even though it was early, she looked like she’d just come from a salon. Anna was gorgeous, there was no denying that, but with her it seemed…manufactured. Everything she did, everything she wore, every swipe of her makeup was intentional and direct. While that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, I preferred Kiera’s form of relaxed, natural beauty. She didn’t need to accent anything—she was already perfect.
“Yeah,” she said. “Went to Pete’s. Ran into the guys.”
From the smile on her face, I knew what that meant—she’d spent the night entertaining Griffin. Having had to listen to Anna and Griffin before, I could only imagine that they’d both had quite a night. I was glad I’d missed the verbal play-by-play.
Anna and I shared a knowing laugh, then she told me, “I heard you guys did great at your big show.” She paused to sigh. “I’m sorry I had to miss it.”
Thinking about the performance energized me. That had been…truly incredible. I loved being on stage. So much that sometimes it kind of freaked me out. It was the one place I felt completely…free. Aside from being in Kiera’s arms, of course. But at times both things seemed so tenuous—a slippery slope that I could easily fall from. What would I do if I lost music? What would I do if I lost Kiera? Squelching the sudden burst of panic, I nonchalantly told her, “It was just a show, nothing you haven’t seen before. Don’t worry about it.”
Leaning back on the counter, I asked about her Hooters calendar photoshoot, the reason she’d missed the concert. Anna grinned, then told me all about the process. Kiera entered as I was, once again, congratulating Anna on being chosen for the 12-month honor. Kiera was dressed for comfort in lounge pants and a worn T-shirt. Her ever-changing eyes were a deep shade of green this morning, and her smile was radiant as she stared at me. She was stunning. Absolutely stunning.
My grin was wide and happy when she slung her arms around my waist—I loved being held by her. “Mornin’, Sleepy,” I said, kissing her head.
With a sigh of contentment, she buried her head in my neck. “Good morning.”
Anna let out a soft sigh. “God, you two are adorable.” She smacked Kiera’s arm and rolled her eyes. “It’s annoying.” From the look on her face, it was clear she didn’t actually feel that way.
Kiera laughed. “Good morning, Anna. Late night?”
Anna’s lips twisted into a devious smile. Biting her lip, she cocked an eyebrow. “Oh, yes. And I can guarantee you it wasn’t as cutesy as your night.”
Kiera looked away from her, embarrassed, and Anna let out a throaty laugh. Squeezing my girl tighter, I laughed and said, “I wouldn’t say our night was cute, Anna.”
The second the words were out of my mouth, Kiera flashed me a warning glare and smacked my chest; her face was a ridiculously cute shade of red now. Kiera wasn’t one to discuss our sex life in detail, even to her sister. I was generally pretty tight-lipped too, so I completely understood. And even though Anna would probably love an in-depth description, I wasn’t about to give it to her.
When it became clear I wasn’t going to expand on that, Kiera relaxed. Anna snorted. “I know,” she said. She paused to poke Kiera’s shoulder. “I know how hot you guys can get.” Kiera’s mouth dropped open, and I had to refrain from laughing. Anna didn’t. Jerking her thumb toward the hallway, she said, “My bedroom is only one room away from yours, Kiera. Maybe the two of you could remember that in the future?”
Mortified, Kiera hid her face and turned into my body. I couldn’t hold the laughter after that, and a soft chuckle escaped me as I rubbed her back. “We’ll try and keep that in mind, Anna. Thanks.”
Anna laughed good-naturedly and rubbed Kiera’s shoulder. “I’m just teasing you, Kiera. Go ahead and scream away, I don’t mind.” Her gaze swept over me appreciatively. “Lord knows I would.” I had to shake my head at her ceaseless innuendo. She and Griffin really were a match made in heaven. If only they’d smarten up and realize it instead of using each other as on-call sex buddies. Of course, the fact that they were both into that was one of the things that made them so compatible. Not everyone needed what Kiera and I had.
While I gave Kiera a reassuring kiss on the head, Anna winked at me, then patted Kiera’s arm. “Well, I’m off to bed. I’m beat.” She turned away from us, heading to her bedroom at the end of the hall. Over her shoulder she tossed out, “I’ll be out like a light if you guys want to go at it again.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at Anna’s suggestion. That was probably about the last thing in the world Kiera wanted to hear. She was probably hot tamale red now. So adorable.
When Anna was out of sight, Kiera sighed and looked up at me. She wasn’t half as red as I’d expected her to be. Good. Sex shouldn’t embarrass her as much as it did. Smacking my chest, she told me, “Would you stop encouraging her?” I smiled in response, and she sighed again, a little more forlornly this time. “I wish the two of you had a better hobby than trying to embarrass me.”
I placed a tender kiss on her forehead. I knew I shouldn’t say what was in my head, since we’d already gone over this last night, but I couldn’t resist pointing out a simple solution to her problem. “Well, you wouldn’t have to worry about it at my place. Maybe I’ll just embarrass you back to my home.”
In case she was annoyed I’d brought it up again, I gave her the sexiest smile in my arsenal. I was pleasantly rewarded with Kiera’s lips on mine, but even as our mouths connected, my chest tightened with need. And loneliness. And pain. I really couldn’t wait until the day she finally said yes to my request. The day we were finally ready to move forward. But that wasn’t today. And that was okay.
* * *
Kiera and I spent the entire day getting her ready for school. It was starting soon, and as expected, Kiera was nervous. I really wasn’t sure why she let new situations bother her so much. She was smart, beautiful, sweet…she could own every single room she walked into, if she’d just believe in herself more. Her personal insecurity probably fueled a lot of her negative feelings about me, about us. She seemed to think our fire would die and I’d lose interest in her one day. Impossible. On my end, at least. If she saw herself in a more positive light, she’d feel more secure in a crowd, feel more secure about me.
In a way, I was Kiera’s opposite when it came to insecurity. Knowing I was physically attractive made me feel very comfortable in groups, or one-on-one, when it was the nonpersonal type of one-on-one—like random sex with a stranger. But true intimacy…opening myself up to someone…that, I struggled with. Daily.
But if I could help Kiera be more comfortable in her own skin, then maybe she could help me be more comfortable knocking down my walls. We were good together in that regard. In every regard.
When it was time for her shift at Pete’s, Kiera and I headed out to the parking lot. With an adorably cute smile on her face…she tried to swipe the keys to my baby. “Can I drive?” she innocently asked, attempting to jiggle the keys free from my ironclad grip.
When hell freezes over. Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh, but I was still a little miffed at her for stealing my car. Even if she’d been hurt over my…extracurricular activities, her retaliation had been uncalled for. And cruel. The Chevelle was a classic piece of art. Practically priceless.
Giving her a firm expression, I jerked the keys away. “No, you cannot.”
She stopped where she was, hands on her hips and an adorable pout on her face, but I forced myself to walk right past her. It was difficult. What I really wanted to do was sweep her into my arms. “Why not?” she asked.
That was too much for me to resist. Turning around, I stepped in front of her and claimed her mouth with mine. “Because…that is my baby, and I don’t share her.”
“I thought I was your baby?” she squeaked out, breathless.
Grabbing her hips, I pulled her into me. “You are.” I kissed her hard, deep, sealing my words with my body. “And I don’t share you either,” I said, drawing back. Never again. My heart couldn’t take it.
The look on Kiera’s face was so warm, so loving…so turned on. So darn cute. Even as I laughed at her expression, I felt that connected, loved feeling that I only used to feel—briefly—during sex. Kiera had changed everything for me, and I felt those moments all the time now, for the oddest reasons. And knowing I could feel complete bliss at the strangest, most unexpected times, made every second of life enjoyable. She made me feel so…alive.
We arrived at Pete’s Bar not too much later, and I pulled into “my” spot. Getting out, I hurriedly walked around to Kiera’s side, but she’d already opened her door. How was I supposed to be the chivalrous boyfriend when she wouldn’t wait for me? With a frown, I held my hand out for her. The frown slipped off my face the instant her fingers were safely tucked inside mine.
Walking into the bar filled me with serenity. If ever I let my guard down, even just a little, it was here. This place was home to me, more of a home than my actual home had ever been. I led Kiera through one of the double doors and kissed her hand as she extended away from me. I couldn’t seem to enter Pete’s without broadcasting to the room that she was mine. Probably because I’d spent so long hiding how I felt about her. I was never hiding again.
The bartender, Rita, was eyeing me like a hungry wolf stalking its prey. She typically looked at me that way. Kiera didn’t know about my history with Rita, that I’d caved into the older woman’s carnal desires and slept with her once. Or at least, I didn’t think Kiera knew. I hoped she didn’t. That was not my proudest moment, especially since Rita had been married at the time. It hadn’t fazed me back then, but now that I was in a happy, healthy relationship, I knew I shouldn’t have gone there. Of course, I shouldn’t have gone there with Denny’s girl either.
I inclined my head in polite greeting to Rita, and she leaned over the counter, showing me her goods. “Hey there, Kellan…Kiera.”
Kiera smirked at Rita, then turned to me. “I have to go put my stuff away. Usual?”
Biting my lip, I tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “Yeah, thanks, Kiera.”
She leaned up and kissed my cheek, and I immediately twisted to find her lips. A peck just wouldn’t do. Kiera indulged me in my public affections, until my hand drifted down to her ass. Then she pushed me away and pointed at me in a clear warning to be good. I gave her an innocent smile, and she rolled her eyes and laughed before walking away.
While Kiera headed for the back room, I headed for my regular table, up by the stage. None of my bandmates had arrived yet, so I leaned back in a chair and began people watching. A lot of the customers were watching me too, though, so I supposed it wasn’t truly people watching. More like having multiple silent conversations.
You’re Kellan Kyle, aren’t you?
Yeah.
You’re amazing!
Thank you.
Can I come sit by you?
No, sorry…girlfriend. I’m sure you saw me kissing her thirty seconds ago.
I hastily broke eye contact from a group of college girls who hadn’t correctly interpreted our nonverbal conversation and looked like they were about to pay me a visit. That was when a giant, hulk of a man stepped up to me. “Hey, Kellan. How was the show?” At seeing the behemoth beside me, the girls sat back down.
Smiling, I looked up at an intimidating man with a shaved head and arms the size of tree trunks. Sam was a bouncer here and a friend. He’d been there for me a time or two, sometimes grudgingly, but still, he’d been there. And he’d been there for Denny when he had needed him. And regardless of what had gone down between Denny and me, that meant a lot.
“Hey, Sam…it was good.”
He gave me an incredulous look. “Good? You just played friggin’ Bumbershoot. Don’t hold back, tell me all about it.”
With a laugh, I nodded and started recounting the experience for him. Talking about it freshened the memory in my mind, and once again, familiar adrenaline rushed through me. I had a feeling that particular high was going to take a while to fade.
As the night progressed, more of the regulars approached me. They all wanted to congratulate me on the show, hound me for details. I didn’t mind. I loved talking about it, even if some of them had a hard time accepting my answers.
“What do you mean you weren’t nervous?” Kate asked for about the fifth time. Tall and lean, Kate had the body and grace of a dancer. She also had a deep reddish tint to her brown hair, a fact that had piqued Griffin’s curiosity on more than one occasion. Kate had been a fixture at Pete’s for almost as long as Jenny, and she’d always thought it was weird that I never got stage fright.
I gave her a nonchalant shrug. “I mean just that…it didn’t make me nervous. Excited, sure, but nervous…no. Matt on the other hand, I think he emptied his stomach at some point.”
The image of my pale-faced guitarist heaving into a bucket made me laugh. Kate shook her head in disbelief. “It’s like you’re not human…like you’re an alien, rock god sent to Earth to—”
“Please you?” I interjected. My eyes roved the bar, searching for Kiera. Hopefully I’d be able to please her after her shift.
Kate snorted, and when I returned my eyes to her, her cheeks were flushed, and she looked flustered. “Uh, yeah…exactly.” Shaking her head, she said, “But no, seriously…you didn’t feel the slightest ounce of nerves? If it were me, I’d probably pee my pants.”
I laughed, then sighed. “I can keep saying it, Kate, but eventually, you’re just going to have to believe me. Performing doesn’t scare me.” No…pouring my heart out to the woman I loved, that was what had scared me. Everything else was simple, easy.
Kate looked like she was about to question me again, but the front doors opened, and the rest of my band walked in. I was grateful they were here. Kate could turn her endless questions on them. Matt would probably give her much more satisfying answers.
Once the four of us were reunited, the patrons of Pete’s broke into thunderous applause. All of the attention was a little bewildering. We played at Pete’s all the time, so most of the people here had heard us on multiple occasions. But I supposed the festival was a step up from the bar.
While Matt looked like he wanted to walk right back out of the bar, I lifted my hand in a friendly acknowledgement of their praise. Evan looked baffled but honored as he looked around. Griffin looked like the adoration was nothing short of expected. After throwing kisses to the crowd, he started making deep, dramatic bows, like he’d just conducted a symphony orchestra. Wanting him to show a little decorum, I slapped him on the back to get him to stop. He did, but his grin said he was still reveling in the moment.
Once the crowd quieted down, I told them, “Thank you. Your support means a lot to us.” My eyes drifted to Kiera as I spoke; she was beaming with pride just as brightly as everyone else in the bar, maybe more. It was so strange to feel so much…acceptance. A part of me would never get used to that feeling.
Matt took the brief silence to slip away to our table, while Evan found Jenny and wrapped her in a mammoth bear hug. Griffin, though, wasn’t about to let his captive audience go so easily. Before I could successfully push him to the table, he told the group, “My johnson is gladly accepting all forms of praise…if anyone wants to congratulate me privately.”
After rapping his empty skull, I forcibly moved him to the table to sit down. A little while later, I was again surprised and humbled when Pete, the owner of the bar, came out to congratulate us. It was a little surreal to hear him say he was proud of us as he shook my hand. It was even more surreal to see the weary defeat on his face, like he believed he’d soon have to look for our replacements—a prospect I knew he wasn’t looking forward to, since he hated booking bands. Fat chance of that happening though. One show at a major venue, while cool, wasn’t going to massively change our lives or anything. That just wasn’t the way the world worked. We’d probably never leave this bar; whoever owned Pete’s in the future would have to chase us out when we were old and gray and too feeble to play. Or much sooner than that in Griffin’s case. But being here, playing this bar every weekend for the rest of my natural life, that was a fate I was completely comfortable with, assuming Kiera was by my side for all of it, of course.
