Painful, page 43
Anna and Griffin stopped at our table, plopping down after Griffin tossed aside Kiera’s bag. Griffin looked…stoned. His satisfied grin took in Kiera and me, then he tilted his head toward the back. “Bedroom’s free, if you want it?”
I knew Kiera wouldn’t want that. Even I didn’t want that. Not there. Kiera was shaking her head as I answered him. “We’re good, thanks.” Griffin smirked at me, like he thought I was stupid for passing up sex.
People were starting to head to their cubbies now that the entertainment was over with. I knew Kiera was getting sleepy, she’d been resting with her eyes closed on my shoulder. Looking over at her, I asked, “You want to get some sleep? You look tired.”
Griffin laughed to himself, and I knew he’d somehow made my question dirty in his head. Then he made a comment about Anna’s chest, and lowered his mouth to her nipple. Kiera instantly told me, “Yes…please.” Good call.
We said our goodbyes to the insatiable pair, then headed to my “bedroom.” Some of the guys we passed along the way thought the same thing as Griffin, that Kiera and I were off to have sex. They whistled and even clapped me on the shoulder. I ignored them. They could think whatever they wanted. I did, however, impale Paul with my eyes before we disappeared behind the curtain. I’m really looking forward to kicking your ass.
A few guys were already asleep when we got to the cubbies. I helped Kiera find a place for her shoes, then took mine off as well. We climbed into bed. After closing the privacy curtain, I emptied my pockets, shoving my wallet and phone next to my Discman on the niche built into the wall, then I pulled my thin blanket over us. We were on our sides, facing each other, but there still wasn’t a whole lot of room. I knew sex was possible in the cubbies, I’d heard it happen before, but I also knew it would be a little tricky…and not what Kiera wanted. She wasn’t one for an audience, and we were not alone.
She was so close to me though, our faces touching as we shared a pillow, and she felt so good against my body, that I couldn’t resist giving her a soft kiss. When I pulled back, she leaned forward, searching for me, wanting more. I gave it to her, reveling in our connection. The soft, sweet way she was moving her mouth against mine filled me with longing. She felt like home. “I’ve missed this,” I told her. “I’ve missed you.”
She pulled back to study me. “I’ve missed you too…so much.”
I could feel a good kind of tension building between us as we stared at each other. It made my heart race, made my blood surge in all the right places. But of course, the guys around me had to ruin the moment. “Less talking…more screwing.”
They all laughed. I thumped the bunk above me. “Shut it, Mark.” Asshole.
Kiera buried her head in my chest, embarrassed. A soft laugh escaped me as I rubbed her back. I already knew sex was off the table, but maybe I could still give her something to tide her over. It seemed a shame for her to come all this way and not be…satisfied. Putting my lips next to her ear, I whispered, “I could finish what I started earlier…if you want to—”
Not wanting to embarrass her, I didn’t say it, just ran my hand over her hip, around to her ass. I wanted to pull her hips into mine, let her feel how much I wanted her. Honestly, I wanted to shift her onto her back and taste every sweet inch of her…but I knew she wouldn’t be okay with that. I studied her face, waiting to see if she’d be fine with just the little bit I was offering.
She genuinely looked torn, but eventually she bit her lip and shook her head. I wasn’t too surprised. Smiling at her, I brought my hand up to run the back of my fingers over her cheek. “Another time, then?”
She nodded, then pulled on my head, leading my mouth back to hers. It was…heaven.
Our languid kisses eventually slowed, then stopped. Kiera let out a long, content sigh, and I could feel her slipping, relaxing into sleep. Not tired yet, I watched her for a long time. Having her by my side again was incredible. I wished it could last longer than one night. Our earlier conversation about her plane ticket flashed through my mind, and I cautiously reached across her to grab my phone and my wallet. She’d agreed to let me buy her a ticket from Reno back to Boise, so she could still use her round-trip ticket, but that just seemed stupid. I’d rather she take a direct flight back home.
Careful to not wake her, I slipped out of bed so I could make arrangements. Surprisingly, Matt was still up when I got to the front of the bus. He was staring out the window, a peaceful smile on his face. He looked over at me when I sat down across from him. “Hey. How come you’re still up?” I asked.
His grin widened. “I couldn’t sleep. I just…I can’t believe it. We got signed, man. It’s actually happening.”
My smile matched his. “Yeah, I know…it’s crazy.”
He tilted his head at me. “You knew we were being scouted, didn’t you?” Biting my lip, I nodded. Hopefully he wasn’t mad about that. He didn’t appear to be. He let out a small laugh and shook his head. “And how long were you sitting on that?”
I cocked my head as I thought. “January?” Early January.
Matt laughed more, his face incredulous. “Damn, man. Why didn’t you say anything?”
With a sigh, I looked out the window. “I saw what it was doing to the other bands. I didn’t want you guys to…freeze up or anything.” Or ever find out about it if she said no.
Matt was silent for a moment. I returned my gaze to him, and he softly smiled at me. “Thanks,” he said. “I know that probably wasn’t easy for you.”
No. No, it wasn’t. I didn’t tell him that though, I just shrugged. Matt grinned. “We get to pick our own songs.” His smile fell as he realized what that meant. “Shit…we’re gonna have to go through all of them to figure out which ones to use. And then we need to make sure we know them forward and backward. From the contract, it’s clear they want us to start right away, right after the tour. We don’t have a lot of time…”
I nodded. “Yeah…I know.” It was going to be a lot of work…and I already knew Matt was going to be a bit overbearing. I also knew the album was going to be amazing, mainly because of him.
I could tell Matt’s mind was spinning, already stressing. Not wanting him to worry about it yet, I changed the subject. “Hey, can you help me with something?” He nodded and I showed him my phone. “I need to buy a plane ticket. I was going to call again, but I was wondering…can I just buy it on this?”
Matt started snickering at me. “Jesus, Kellan…you need to start learning this shit.”
I smiled at his amusement. “Why? When I have you.”
He held out his hand. “Give me your phone.” He showed me where to go, then helped me through the checkout process; I had to use his email, since I didn’t have one. I was grinning when we finished. Matt rolled his eyes. “It’s like you’re a hundred and five.”
I frowned at his comment, then an idea struck me. “Can I order flowers on this too?” I had the number to a local shop, thanks to Jenny, but being able to see the arrangement I wanted would be nice.
Matt gave me a blank stare. “Dude…it’s the Internet. You can do anything on it.”
I gave the phone back to him. “Show me.”
He rolled his eyes, but he helped me buy some flowers for Kiera, for our anniversary in a couple weeks. After that, he said, “I’m going to bed. You’re on your own, techless.”
I was laughing as he walked away, but happy. I stared at my phone a moment, then, reluctant but curious, I checked my calls and messages. As predicted, the call and text I’d ignored in front of Kiera had been from Gavin. My fingers tightened around the phone. When was he going to leave me alone? Why were months of silence not enough of a hint for him? I’d never even talked to him, and he was already fucking up my life. It needed to stop. Now.
Feeling rash, I started a message to Hailey. ‘Tell Gavin that I want him to leave me the fuck alone.’
I almost hit the send button. My finger was so close I couldn’t even see the space beneath it. Changing my mind, I deleted it. Having Hailey relay messages to and from Gavin would be the same as having a direct conversation with him. And I didn’t want a conversation with him. I wanted nothing to do with him. Tossing my phone on the table, I laid my head back on the seat. Was this nightmare ever going to end?
Snatching up my phone, I headed back to bed. I couldn’t solve that problem, but at least I could fall asleep with the love of my life.
I woke up the next morning to Kiera softly kissing my chest. Smiling, I tightened my arms around her. Why couldn’t every morning be like this? “Mornin’” I said, perfectly at peace.
Kiera lifted her head to look up at me. “Am I dreaming, or am I really waking up with you?”
I moved so I could see her better. “You dream about waking up with me?” That was oddly satisfying to hear.
She nodded, then she pulled back and studied my body. “You’re usually naked in my dreams, though, so I must be awake.”
Her comment made me laugh. Pulling her back to my chest, I said, “You’re usually naked in my dreams too.” I loved that we had that in common.
I started kissing her neck, but the noises coming from the guys around us quickly killed the mood. Why did this have to be a traveling day? I’d give anything to wake up with her in a hotel room. I paused to frown. “Sorry, smelly bus of boys…not exactly romantic.”
With a sigh full of longing, she cupped my cheek and stroked my face with her thumb. “It’s better than nothing.”
I grabbed her hand, then adjusted us so we were facing each other. Kiera stared at me a moment, then said, “Hey, you mentioned that you wanted to tell me something last night…What was it?”
My eyes instantly fell from her face. Shit. Why did I have to say that? What do I tell her now? “I…” I had nothing. No words to give her that would come close to what I’d been contemplating telling her last night. My gaze slid to my phone, resting on the shelf behind Kiera. “I…”
She wanted to know about Gavin, and I knew I should clear the air between us and tell her, but fuck, just the thought was making a sickening well of acid rise up my throat. I don’t want to think about him, think about what Kiera would want us to be. That was not my future. He was not my future. He was nothing. I couldn’t tell her about him…but I had to tell her something. I didn’t want to lie, not again, so I needed to tell her something true. And that was when it struck me—I actually did have something to tell her.
I almost sighed with relief. Thank God, I have something true to tell her. Tossing on a smile, I shrugged. “I didn’t tell you the bad part about getting signed.”
She looked surprised, then concerned. “What?” she asked, a strange sadness on her face.
I instantly hated myself. I shouldn’t have said anything last night. I should just tell her the truth right now. But instead of owning up to my secrets, I committed to the one fact I was willing to share with her. “As soon as the tour ends in May, they want us in L.A., to record the album. In the meantime, the guys and I will be spending every free moment we have going through our songs, picking out the best ones…perfecting them. We have to be ready when we get there…”
She let out a forlorn sound. “You’re basically telling me that you won’t have any time to spend with me…for a while…aren’t you?”
The truth of that hit me hard. Jesus. When would I see her again? I hated this already. I had to swallow back the sudden knot of sadness in my throat before I could speak. “I’m sorry…We need to do this, so I won’t be able to visit, like I’d hoped. I’m sorry.” For more than you know.
Eyes moister than before, Kiera said, “It’s okay…I understand.” She looked down for a moment while I wished that things were different. If only she could stay with me. Kiera’s eyes suddenly flashed to mine. “Could you make it back in June?”
Knowing what she was really asking, I nodded and cupped her cheek. “I’m not missing your graduation…no matter what. I don’t care if I have to walk out on a recording session…I’m not missing it, Kiera.”
She smiled, sighed, and relaxed. But the sadness was still there, and I understood why; I felt it too. Being apart was so hard. Holding her close, I rubbed her back. As we laid there, I remembered the previous night’s conversation that had sparked her earlier question…and I recalled that she had said she wanted to tell me something too. Not sure if I wanted to hear her answer, I whispered, “And there was something you wanted to tell me?” Please don’t let this hurt.
She stiffened in my arms…that was not a good sign. My heart started beating harder. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked. Ignorance was bliss, right? Maybe. But the ignorance was already gone and knowing there was a looming unknown between us was hell. After a long, anxious moment of deliberation, she finally sat up on her elbow and shook her head. “I love you, Kellan, and you don’t have anything to worry about when it comes to me, but I don’t think I can tell you just yet.”
I was floored. I thought for sure she’d tell me, or maybe…at the very least, she would tell me something else that was true, like I had. But this…it had never once occurred to me that she might flat-out refuse to tell me. It was infuriating, frustrating beyond all comprehension. What the hell was she hiding from me?
I sat up on my elbow, matching her stance. “What? Why not?” I knew I was being a hypocrite, but goddamn it, knowing she was holding something back, something she wouldn’t tell me…it fucking hurt.
Remorse was in her features, but she still shook her head. “You’re just going to have to believe in me.”
My mouth dropped open, ready to protest, but her words…they were too similar to what I’d told her last night, after getting that text from Gavin. Please believe in me. Let this go… That was what I’d asked of her, what I’d begged from her, and now she was asking the same from me. I flicked a quick glance at my phone again, and my mouth closed as everything was suddenly achingly, painfully clear. She knows I avoided her question. She knows that phone call, that text, had nothing to do with what I just told her. She’s refusing to open up to me because I’m not opening up to her. I can’t ask her to tell me her secret, not without also telling her what’s really going on with me. And I can’t. So, I’m stuck. Trapped in this circular hell. I have to let this go…because I have to keep my secret. I won’t survive anything else.
I stared at Kiera, disheartened, drowning in guilt, regret, and remorse. Her eyes watered as she stared back at me. I could feel mine filling as I started spiraling. I’m so, so sorry. I swallowed the emotion choking me so I could answer her, and I knew the second I did, everything between us would change.
“Okay,” I whispered. And I’d never hated myself more.
Chapter 27
MISSING YOU
The rest of Kiera’s time with me was laced with sadness, but this time, I was certain the feeling wasn’t because we were about to be separated again. We were keeping things from each other. Secrets. Lies. It made me sick to my stomach, and I hated feeling that way around her. I also hated the fact that after she left, for a split-second, all I felt…was relief.
The entire way back from the airport, all I could think was—What am I doing? Fucking up. That was what I was doing. I just didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t know how to get the outcome I wanted…the very best solution. All I saw in front of me was varying degrees of…shit.
“Damn, man…that was awesome.”
I looked over at Griffin in the car. He still had that satisfied smile on his face. Seeing it was starting to piss me off. How did someone like him get to have the exact relationship he wanted? But I knew the answer to that. He didn’t want anything from Anna. Just sex. So of course things with her were easy…easy and meaningless. I’d had that and it wasn’t enough. I wanted more and sometimes more meant pain.
I gave him a tight smile. “Yeah…awesome.”
He frowned at me. “Pissed you didn’t get any?”
My smile shifted to a frown. “Not everything is about sex, Griffin.”
He snorted, then shook his head. “Right. You still convinced that monogamy thing is worth it?”
I turned my head to look out the window. “Yes,” I told him. She was worth it. Worth every pain, every agony, every misery. Because my life without her…that had been torture.
Griffin made a disbelieving sound. “You’re so weird,” he muttered.
I ignored him as the venue came into view. The driver pulled around back, dropping us off, and an undeniable surge of vengeance came over me. I had a score to settle. Griffin looked confused as he studied my face. “Dude, I was kidding about you being weird. Well, not really, you are weird, but you don’t have to get all pissed about it. I don’t give a fuck if your dick is tied to one chick.”
Not looking at him, I shook my head. “I’m not mad at you.”
“Who are you mad at?” he asked.
Not answering him, I started storming off to find the person who owed me a bit of blood. I felt Griffin following me, but I didn’t care…as long as he didn’t try to stop me. Guys loitering around the bus did a double take when they saw my face. Did I look that pissed? I felt that pissed.
Evan and Matt spotted me, and I heard Evan say, “Kell?” I ignored him, scanning for my target.
I found Paul standing alone beside Justin’s bus. Perfect. He wasn’t looking at me, didn’t sense me coming. Because I wasn’t a complete dick, I gave him a chance to defend himself. “Paul!”
His eyes swung my way when I was three long strides away from him. He smirked…and then he saw my expression. His painted eyes widened, and his hands raised. He looked like he was about to speak, but I wasn’t here for words. I could feel the gathering crowd, the sizzling tension in the air…none of it mattered. Paul was about to die. One step between us had me pulling my arm back. I heard Evan shouting my name, but it was too late. I was committed. I swung, and my aim was true. Paul took the full force of my fury in the jaw. The hit knocked him to the ground. I lunged to pick him up, so I could hit him again, but hands were on me now, holding me back.
