Painful, page 46
“Okay…you know what time it is, right?” she said.
A small laugh escaped me. “Yes. This is the part of the conversation where you tell me I’m being a stubborn idiot, and I should just talk to Gavin, right?”
She giggled in my ear. “Ding, ding. You nailed it.”
I sighed. “And you already know what I’m going to say.”
Now she sighed, then she lowered her voice, mimicking me. “I’ll never speak to that man, stop bringing it up, Hailey.”
I laughed. “Ding, ding. You also nailed it. We’re getting good at this.”
She laughed, then her voice grew more serious. “Hey…I know this is going to cause problems, but…Riley really wants to meet you.”
A weariness settled over me. “I want to meet him too; I just don’t see how. Would Gavin let him visit me with you? At a concert?” I added, cringing. They couldn’t show up at home without me explaining who they were to Kiera, and that…wasn’t something I was ready to do. “Or maybe you could visit me in L.A.? I’ll be there for a while after the tour ends…”
I could practically hear Hailey shaking her head. “He’s too young, Kellan. Dad would never let Riley go somewhere without him. Not even if he was with me. I’m sorry.”
I hung my head; I’d already accepted the limitations of my relationship with Riley. “It’s okay. He won’t be young forever. I’ll just…catch up with him when he’s older.” She sighed again, and I knew what she was thinking: Just talk to Gavin already, and then you wouldn’t have to avoid your little brother. Not wanting to get into it, I said, “Tell him hi for me though, okay? And Hails—”
She cut me off. “I know. Make sure he’s alone. I will, I promise.”
“Thank you. I know you don’t entirely understand, but I appreciate it.”
She exhaled in a huff. “That’s what sisters are for, right?”
I couldn’t help my grin. “Yep.”
We said goodbye, and I put my phone back in my pocket, feeling lighter and a little brighter. Matt and Evan stepped off the bus then, joining me in the brilliant Texas sunshine. They both had elated looks on their faces. “What’s up?” I asked, walking over to them.
Matt beamed at me. “Rachel and Jenny are coming for a visit. They’re going to spend a whole week with us.”
A rush of eagerness flooded my stomach. “Is Kiera coming with them?” Why hadn’t she mentioned anything? And why did she sound so distracted lately? Some of the distance was creeping back into our relationship, and I didn’t know why. It worried me.
Matt’s face fell a little. “I don’t…think so. Rachel said Jenny asked her, but she…said she couldn’t right now.” He cringed. “Sorry, man.”
I had to swallow the knot of disappointment in my throat before I could speak. “It’s fine. She probably just couldn’t get the same time off work as Jenny.”
Evan gave me a reassuring smile. “Yeah, that’s probably why. It is spring break after all. Pete’s will be packed.”
I gave him a brief smile. Right. She’ll be out of school for a bit…but not with me. I lifted an eyebrow at Matt. “I don’t suppose this means we’ll be taking a little time off from picking songs?” Maybe I could finally get away? Spend a day or two with Kiera over her break?
Matt frowned. “Kell…we’re running out of time, and we still have three songs to pick. I’m sorry, man…we need you here.”
Weariness crashed over me as I closed my eyes. “Yeah…okay.”
I felt someone smack my shoulder, and I reopened my eyes to see Evan grinning at me. “You’ll see her soon. We’re getting close to the end.”
Exactly. That’s what I’m afraid of—the end of Kiera and me. I slapped on a smile, so he’d drop the subject. “Yeah. This will be fun. I’m glad they’re coming up.” Looking between the two of them, I said, “Does this mean Griffin and I have to sleep in the hallway when we’re at hotels?”
Matt looked at Evan, then they both looked at me. And nodded. “Yep. That will work,” Matt brightly said.
“Fuck,” I muttered. This sucked already.
Matt clapped my back. “Just kidding, Kell. I’m sure one of the other guys will take you in. Griffin though…I might have to pay someone.” With a sigh, he rolled his eyes.
I grinned. “We should talk to Scott, and get Griffin paired with Paul for a while…”
Matt’s blue eyes sparkled with joy. “Oh, fuck yeah. God, you’re brilliant.”
I felt so much better after that. If anyone could punish Paul for me…it was Griffin.
Two days later, Jenny and Rachel showed up. We were at the venue, killing time around the buses when they arrived. I could hear the reunion before I could see it; Jenny squealing, Evan’s booming laugh as he picked her up. Matt folding Rachel in his arms while she cried. It was sweet. It made my chest hurt. God, I missed Kiera.
Griffin frowned as the foursome started walking our way. “What’s bugging you?” I asked.
His scowl deepened. “Why the fuck didn’t Anna come with them?” He looked over at me with genuine confusion on his face. “Why wouldn’t she want to spend a week fucking me?” By his expression, it was obvious he thought no human being would ever turn that down.
I smiled as I shrugged. “Maybe she had responsibilities she couldn’t leave behind? Like a job?”
He twisted his lips at me. “Dude…it’s Anna. She’s just as irresponsible as I am.” His brows furrowed. “Maybe she’s just fucking someone else right now.” I couldn’t tell if he had a real opinion on that, besides annoyance that she was preoccupied. He turned and left before I could ask. Sometimes…it almost seemed like he cared about her. Almost.
Pushing aside that mystery, I turned to greet the friends I hadn’t seen in a really long time. “Oh my God, Jenny…Rachel.” I gave each one a hug in turn. It was like hugging home. “It’s so good to see you.” Damn, I’d really missed them.
They both grinned at me as they returned to their boyfriends. “You too, Kellan.” Jenny’s pale eyes studied me for a moment, and I kept my expression smooth, breezy, untroubled. Jenny was basically an extension of Kiera, and I couldn’t let her see any of the turmoil I was going through.
Lifting my eyebrows suggestively, I told them, “I can empty the bus, if you guys want to be alone. There’s only one real bed though, so you’ll have to take turns. Or not,” I added with a shrug.
Rachel’s cheeks instantly flushed with color as she buried her dark head in Matt’s chest. Jenny thumped me in the stomach. “Kellan! Don’t be gross.”
Smiling, I backed away with raised hands. “I’m not being gross. I’m trying to be helpful…offer some solutions. I’m a problem solver.”
Evan laughed, while Matt shook his head and rubbed Rachel’s back. Jenny sighed, then looked up at Evan. “Is he like this every day?”
Evan laughed harder and shook his head. “No, you caught him on a good day. He’s usually moody and irritable.” I smirked at that, then flipped him off. Evan chuckled as he looked down at Jenny. “See? Irritable.”
Laughing, I socked him in the arm. “You guys are on your own then.” I saluted them, then left to go find Griffin. I was laughing as I walked away. Even if Kiera couldn’t come out with them, it was so good to see them.
The next several days were actually really peaceful. Having Jenny and Rachel around made it feel like we were back at Pete’s everywhere we went. I didn’t even mind having to share a bed with Benji when we stopped at a hotel. Anything to give my friends a little privacy.
The only thing I did mind was Kiera being so busy. Where we used to talk multiple times throughout the day, Kiera and I only seemed to talk late at night now. It freaked me out a little, but I tried really hard not to let that show. I didn’t want Jenny thinking anything was wrong, because I didn’t want Kiera thinking anything was wrong.
“I feel like she’s pulling away from me,” I said, finally confessing my fears to someone. I glanced around the bus, but no one was really paying attention to me. Rachel and Matt were having a quiet conversation. Jenny and Evan were playing cards, laughing.
Hailey sighed in my ear. “Why don’t you just tell her then?” I’d recently told Hailey about the secret I was keeping from Kiera, about how I wasn’t mentioning Hailey or Gavin to her. It was another thing Hailey constantly bugged me about.
I worried my lip. “I don’t think that’s why she’s pulling away. Something’s…going on with her.”
“Have you asked her about it?” she said. From her voice, it was quite clear she wanted me to start communicating with my girlfriend. And I had. Sort of.
Remembering that dreaded conversation, when I’d asked Kiera about what she was keeping from me, made me close my eyes as pain and doubt ripped through me. You’re just going to have to believe in me. Okay. Shaking my head, I told Hailey, “I don’t want to think about it anymore. Tell me something good. Something funny.”
She thought for a moment. “Hmmm…oh, I’ve got it.”
She instantly started laughing, and I found myself chuckling too, my mood lightening. “What?”
She snorted; it was adorable. “Okay…one of my friends is seriously obsessed with you. Like, I might need to stage an intervention obsessed.”
I started laughing. “What? How? Why? From that one picture on your phone?”
Hailey giggled. “No…from your website. Have you seen it? You’re half-naked in almost every single picture. Seriously, Kellan…have you not heard of T-shirts?”
I laughed so hard I had to swipe my eyes. Jenny lifted an eyebrow at me, but I just shook my head at her. “Oh God, no…I haven’t seen the website yet. Doesn’t surprise me though. Matt’s always been obsessed with my body.”
I knew that sounded bad, and I let it sound bad. Served him right. Matt would make me walk around shirtless with D-Bags spray-painted on my chest if he could, and I was 100 percent certain he was the reason I was so exposed on our website. Hmmm…Kiera had to have noticed the same thing Hailey had, but she’d never mentioned anything about it. Was she okay with me being “sold” like that?
Hailey made a shocked noise. “Oh. Does he want you? Is that awkward since you’re bandmates?”
My head dropped to the table as I laughed. “No…oh my God…no, he doesn’t…” I couldn’t even finish, I was laughing too hard. Hailey started laughing with me, once she realized she’d gotten it wrong. Matt was obviously unaware of the nature of my conversation as he chatted with Rachel, but I could easily picture the look on his face if he’d heard her say that—the half annoyed, half amused twist of his lips, the slow shake of his head, the epic eye roll. Matt was many things…but attracted to me was not one of them.
Hailey and I moved on to other topics after that, her school, Riley, but every so often I’d break out in a fit of giggles. Does he want you? That was going to entertain me for a long time.
On the last night of Jenny and Rachel’s visit, we all decided to go to a club. The thumping music made me miss Kiera. I didn’t feel like dancing, so I spent the bulk of the night hanging out by the bar, drinking. Girls approached me, asking me to dance, but I turned them all down. Jenny nodded her approval when she spotted me rejecting someone. I rolled my eyes at her. Of course, I said no, Jenny. I always say no.
For a split-second, I debated asking Jenny if she knew what was going on with Kiera. Would she tell me? I hadn’t been able to flat-out ask Jenny to spy on Kiera for me, but I felt like the message had been implied. It also felt wrong. Kiera had asked for my belief in her. Going behind her back to discover the truth would only prove that I didn’t believe in her…that I didn’t believe in us. I didn’t want that to be true. I wanted us to be…solid.
I had no choice but to trust Kiera and hope she wasn’t doing anything that would hurt me. Maybe, like my secret, whatever she was hiding had nothing to do with our relationship. I still had no clue what that secret might be but thinking about it that way brought me comfort. I could let this go. I had to.
Right after deciding not to ask her anything, Jenny tossed her arms around my waist. “Kellan,” she said, clearly drunk. “I’m so glad you’re with Kiera.”
“Thanks?” I said, chuckling as I gave her a brief hug.
Giggling, she let me go. “I’m just glad you fell for her. Because I love her. And some of those other girls you,”—she paused to use air quotes—“…dated…” She lifted an eyebrow as she continued. “They were skanky, Kellan. It would have driven me crazy to be around them all the time.”
I had to laugh at her assessment of my pre-Kiera relationships. She had a point, but still, the word skanky was really funny coming from her. Language, Jenny. Evan came up to us while I was laughing. He eyed Jenny, stumbling a little on her feet, then me. “Do I want to know?” he asked.
Pointing at her, I laughed out, “She just called my exes skanky.”
Evan smiled as he looked down at her. Jenny shrugged. “What? They were.”
Wrapping an arm around her, Evan sighed and shook his head. “Jujube, I think it’s time we get you to bed.”
Her face lit up as she leapt into his arms. Luckily, he caught her. Her mouth was on his a second later, and I shook my head. Damn…now I really missed Kiera. I texted Matt and Griffin that Evan and I were leaving, then I stepped outside. Evan was already disappearing into a cab with Jenny, going back to the hotel. I watched them leave, then got my own cab back to the hotel. I wasn’t tired yet, and I didn’t want to bug Benji and his roommate yet, so I hung out at the hotel bar until it closed, then I hung out in the lobby, waiting.
When I was pretty sure Kiera would be home from work, I pulled out my phone and called her. Please pick up. Thankfully, she did. “Hey,” she said.
I closed my eyes, savoring the sound of her voice. “Hey.” Then I noticed how tired she sounded. “You worked tonight, right? Or were you sleeping? Did I wake you?”
“I was up,” she said. “It’s just been a long day.”
She didn’t elaborate, so all I said was, “Oh…”
Silence fell between us, and I hated feeling the space there again. “I miss you. I wish you’d been able to come up.”
“Yeah, me too. I’m sorry about that.”
“It’s okay,” I said, shrugging. “I understand.” Not wanting to dwell on her absence, I instead said, “It’s been nice having Jenny and Rachel around. Kind of feels like home again. Although, not completely like home…” It would never be completely like home until she was with me again.
Kiera sighed, and I heard wistful longing in the sound. It made me smile. “How many times can I say I miss you before it gets annoying?” I asked.
She laughed a little. “One thousand,” she firmly stated.
“Per day or in total?” I asked.
She laughed again. “Hmmm…per day.”
My smile grew. “Good, then I’m nowhere near my limit. I miss you. So much. It kind of sucks actually…missing you all the time.”
I’d meant that playfully, but Kiera’s voice had an odd seriousness to it when she responded with, “Yeah, I know…”
Not wanting to worry about what that meant, I said, “I could distract you? Would you like me to make you feel good again?” Like my wife? God, I loved those words, loved that thought. Please let us make it that far.
Kiera giggled in my ear. “A part of me wants to say yes, the rest of me is really tired.”
“Oh…another time,” I murmured.
I could hear the warmth in her smile when she spoke. “Definitely. I love you.”
Now I was the one with warmth in my voice. “I love you too. Goodnight, Kiera.” And I hope I get to see you soon.
Chapter 29
SURPRISE
Things with Kiera were getting…odd. There was a strange disconnect that was happening between us, strained silences that lasted too long, uncomfortable gaps where neither person knew what to say. It had really started to kick in shortly after Jenny and Rachel returned home, and I had no idea why. I didn’t know what was going on with her, and even worse, I didn’t know how to talk to her about it. I felt like there was nothing I could say, because everything I asked would lead to a reciprocal question about what was going on with me. And I didn’t want to talk about that, about him.
Gavin. He was a thorn in my side that I could never fully remove. Ignoring his calls and messages was second nature now, but every time my phone went off, I flinched. And every time I saw that fucking unprogrammed number, a small slice of my soul shriveled. I was so tired, all the time. I just felt worn. And stuck. It felt like this was going to be my life from here on out; stuck in a vicious cycle I couldn’t escape from. Trapped in pain and misery and confusion…forever.
Every night as I fell asleep, I felt hope slipping from me as I spiraled into weary despondency, wondering how I could possibly keep going. But then, every morning, I somehow found it inside myself to get up, slap on a carefree smile, and keep moving, because what else could I do?
“How was your day?” I asked, trying to make my voice light and worry-free.
“Good,” Kiera responded, not elaborating. “Yours?”
“Good,” I answered, not knowing what else to say. The silence grew between us, and I could hear a soft sigh escape Kiera. It worried me. “I really enjoyed the other night,” I told her. We’d made love over the phone again, and for a moment, everything between us had felt warm and comfortable. But unfortunately, the feeling didn’t last. We were already slipping again. Why?
“I did too,” she murmured.
There was definite happiness in the sound…but sadness too. Because she missed me? Or was it something more? What’s going on, Kiera? Was it me? Was my absence and my avoidance finally too much for her? Was I pushing her away? I already knew that answer—I was. I should have found a way to go home already. I shouldn’t have missed our anniversary. I should talk to her. But I can’t.
“I wish I wasn’t so busy. I wish I could just freeze time and come see you. I wish I could hold you. I wish…” I stopped my pointless list of impossibilities and let out a long sigh. I wish we were like we used to be, before I came here, before the secrets seeped in.
