Complete Works of D.H. Lawrence (Illustrated), page 499
‘I’d much rather go by train,’ said Connie. ‘I don’t like long motor drives, especially when there’s dust. But I shall see what Hilda wants.’
‘She will want to drive her own car, and take you with her,’ he said.
‘Probably! — I must help up here. You’ve no idea how heavy this chair is.’
She went to the back of the chair, and plodded side by side with the keeper, shoving up the pink path. She did not care who saw.
‘Why not let me wait, and fetch Field? He is strong enough for the job,’ said Clifford.
‘It’s so near,’ she panted.
But both she and Mellors wiped the sweat from their faces when they came to the top. It was curious, but this bit of work together had brought them much closer than they had been before.
‘Thanks so much, Mellors,’ said Clifford, when they were at the house door. ‘I must get a different sort of motor, that’s all. Won’t you go to the kitchen and have a meal? It must be about time.’
‘Thank you, Sir Clifford. I was going to my mother for dinner today, Sunday.’
‘As you like.’
Mellors slung into his coat, looked at Connie, saluted, and was gone. Connie, furious, went upstairs.
At lunch she could not contain her feeling.
‘Why are you so abominably inconsiderate, Clifford?’ she said to him.
‘Of whom?’
‘Of the keeper! If that is what you call ruling classes, I’m sorry for you.’
‘Why?’
‘A man who’s been ill, and isn’t strong! My word, if I were the serving classes, I’d let you wait for service. I’d let you whistle.’
‘I quite believe it.’
‘If he’d been sitting in a chair with paralysed legs, and behaved as you behaved, what would you have done for him?’
‘My dear evangelist, this confusing of persons and personalities is in bad taste.’
‘And your nasty, sterile want of common sympathy is in the worst taste imaginable. noblesse oblige! You and your ruling class!’
‘And to what should it oblige me? To have a lot of unnecessary emotions about my game-keeper? I refuse. I leave it all to my evangelist.’
‘As if he weren’t a man as much as you are, my word!’
‘My game-keeper to boot, and I pay him two pounds a week and give him a house.’
‘Pay him! What do you think you pay for, with two pounds a week and a house?’
‘His services.’
‘Bah! I would tell you to keep your two pounds a week and your house.’
‘Probably he would like to: but can’t afford the luxury!’
‘You, and rule!’ she said. ‘You don’t rule, don’t flatter yourself. You have only got more than your share of the money, and make people work for you for two pounds a week, or threaten them with starvation. Rule! What do you give forth of rule? Why, you re dried up! You only bully with your money, like any Jew or any Schieber!’
‘You are very elegant in your speech, Lady Chatterley!’
‘I assure you, you were very elegant altogether out there in the wood. I was utterly ashamed of you. Why, my father is ten times the human being you are: you gentleman!’
He reached and rang the bell for Mrs Bolton. But he was yellow at the gills.
She went up to her room, furious, saying to herself: ‘Him and buying people! Well, he doesn’t buy me, and therefore there’s no need for me to stay with him. Dead fish of a gentleman, with his celluloid soul! And how they take one in, with their manners and their mock wistfulness and gentleness. They’ve got about as much feeling as celluloid has.’
She made her plans for the night, and determined to get Clifford off her mind. She didn’t want to hate him. She didn’t want to be mixed up very intimately with him in any sort of feeling. She wanted him not to know anything at all about herself: and especially, not to know anything about her feeling for the keeper. This squabble of her attitude to the servants was an old one. He found her too familiar, she found him stupidly insentient, tough and indiarubbery where other people were concerned.
She went downstairs calmly, with her old demure bearing, at dinner-time. He was still yellow at the gills: in for one of his liver bouts, when he was really very queer. — He was reading a French book.
‘Have you ever read Proust?’ he asked her.
‘I’ve tried, but he bores me.’
‘He’s really very extraordinary.’
‘Possibly! But he bores me: all that sophistication! He doesn’t have feelings, he only has streams of words about feelings. I’m tired of self-important mentalities.’
‘Would you prefer self-important animalities?’
‘Perhaps! But one might possibly get something that wasn’t self-important.’
‘Well, I like Proust’s subtlety and his well-bred anarchy.’
‘It makes you very dead, really.’
‘There speaks my evangelical little wife.’
They were at it again, at it again! But she couldn’t help fighting him. He seemed to sit there like a skeleton, sending out a skeleton’s cold grizzly will against her. Almost she could feel the skeleton clutching her and pressing her to its cage of ribs. He too was really up in arms: and she was a little afraid of him.
She went upstairs as soon as possible, and went to bed quite early. But at half past nine she got up, and went outside to listen. There was no sound. She slipped on a dressing-gown and went downstairs. Clifford and Mrs Bolton were playing cards, gambling. They would probably go on until midnight.
Connie returned to her room, threw her pyjamas on the tossed bed, put on a thin tennis-dress and over that a woollen day-dress, put on rubber tennis-shoes, and then a light coat. And she was ready. If she met anybody, she was just going out for a few minutes. And in the morning, when she came in again, she would just have been for a little walk in the dew, as she fairly often did before breakfast. For the rest, the only danger was that someone should go into her room during the night. But that was most unlikely: not one chance in a hundred.
Betts had not locked up. He fastened up the house at ten o’clock, and unfastened it again at seven in the morning. She slipped out silently and unseen. There was a half-moon shining, enough to make a little light in the world, not enough to show her up in her dark-grey coat. She walked quickly across the park, not really in the thrill of the assignation, but with a certain anger and rebellion burning in her heart. It was not the right sort of heart to take to a love-meeting. But a la guerre comme a la guerre!
CHAPTER 14
When she got near the park-gate, she heard the click of the latch. He was there, then, in the darkness of the wood, and had seen her!
‘You are good and early,’ he said out of the dark. ‘Was everything all right?’
‘Perfectly easy.’
He shut the gate quietly after her, and made a spot of light on the dark ground, showing the pallid flowers still standing there open in the night. They went on apart, in silence.
‘Are you sure you didn’t hurt yourself this morning with that chair?’ she asked.
‘No, no!’
‘When you had that pneumonia, what did it do to you?’
‘Oh nothing! it left my heart not so strong and the lungs not so elastic. But it always does that.’
‘And you ought not to make violent physical efforts?’
‘Not often.’
She plodded on in an angry silence.
‘Did you hate Clifford?’ she said at last.
‘Hate him, no! I’ve met too many like him to upset myself hating him. I know beforehand I don’t care for his sort, and I let it go at that.’
‘What is his sort?’
‘Nay, you know better than I do. The sort of youngish gentleman a bit like a lady, and no balls.’
‘What balls?’
‘Balls! A man’s balls!’
She pondered this.
‘But is it a question of that?’ she said, a little annoyed.
‘You say a man’s got no brain, when he’s a fool: and no heart, when he’s mean; and no stomach when he’s a funker. And when he’s got none of that spunky wild bit of a man in him, you say he’s got no balls. When he’s a sort of tame.’
She pondered this.
‘And is Clifford tame?’ she asked.
‘Tame, and nasty with it: like most such fellows, when you come up against ‘em.’
‘And do you think you’re not tame?’
‘Maybe not quite!’
At length she saw in the distance a yellow light.
She stood still.
‘There is a light!’ she said.
‘I always leave a light in the house,’ he said.
She went on again at his side, but not touching him, wondering why she was going with him at all.
He unlocked, and they went in, he bolting the door behind them. As if it were a prison, she thought! The kettle was singing by the red fire, there were cups on the table.
She sat in the wooden arm-chair by the fire. It was warm after the chill outside.
‘I’ll take off my shoes, they are wet,’ she said.
She sat with her stockinged feet on the bright steel fender. He went to the pantry, bringing food: bread and butter and pressed tongue. She was warm: she took off her coat. He hung it on the door.
‘Shall you have cocoa or tea or coffee to drink?’ he asked.
‘I don’t think I want anything,’ she said, looking at the table. ‘But you eat.’
‘Nay, I don’t care about it. I’ll just feed the dog.’
He tramped with a quiet inevitability over the brick floor, putting food for the dog in a brown bowl. The spaniel looked up at him anxiously.
‘Ay, this is thy supper, tha nedna look as if tha wouldna get it!’ he said.
He set the bowl on the stairfoot mat, and sat himself on a chair by the wall, to take off his leggings and boots. The dog instead of eating, came to him again, and sat looking up at him, troubled.
He slowly unbuckled his leggings. The dog edged a little nearer.
‘What’s amiss wi’ thee then? Art upset because there’s somebody else here? Tha’rt a female, tha art! Go an’ eat thy supper.’
He put his hand on her head, and the bitch leaned her head sideways against him. He slowly, softly pulled the long silky ear.
‘There!’ he said. ‘There! Go an’ eat thy supper! Go!’
He tilted his chair towards the pot on the mat, and the dog meekly went, and fell to eating.
‘Do you like dogs?’ Connie asked him.
‘No, not really. They’re too tame and clinging.’
He had taken off his leggings and was unlacing his heavy boots. Connie had turned from the fire. How bare the little room was! Yet over his head on the wall hung a hideous enlarged photograph of a young married couple, apparently him and a bold-faced young woman, no doubt his wife.
‘Is that you?’ Connie asked him.
He twisted and looked at the enlargement above his head.
‘Ay! Taken just afore we was married, when I was twenty-one.’ He looked at it impassively.
‘Do you like it?’ Connie asked him.
‘Like it? No! I never liked the thing. But she fixed it all up to have it done, like.’
He returned to pulling off his boots.
‘If you don’t like it, why do you keep it hanging there? Perhaps your wife would like to have it,’ she said.
He looked up at her with a sudden grin.
‘She carted off iverything as was worth taking from th’ ‘ouse,’ he said. ‘But she left that!’
‘Then why do you keep it? for sentimental reasons?’
‘Nay, I niver look at it. I hardly knowed it wor theer. It’s bin theer sin’ we come to this place.’
‘Why don’t you burn it?’ she said.
He twisted round again and looked at the enlarged photograph. It was framed in a brown-and-gilt frame, hideous. It showed a clean-shaven, alert, very young-looking man in a rather high collar, and a somewhat plump, bold young woman with hair fluffed out and crimped, and wearing a dark satin blouse.
‘It wouldn’t be a bad idea, would it?’ he said.
He had pulled off his boots, and put on a pair of slippers. He stood up on the chair, and lifted down the photograph. It left a big pale place on the greenish wall-paper.
‘No use dusting it now,’ he said, setting the thing against the wall.
He went to the scullery, and returned with hammer and pincers. Sitting where he had sat before, he started to tear off the back-paper from the big frame, and to pull out the sprigs that held the backboard in position, working with the immediate quiet absorption that was characteristic of him.
He soon had the nails out: then he pulled out the backboards, then the enlargement itself, in its solid white mount. He looked at the photograph with amusement.
‘Shows me for what I was, a young curate, and her for what she was, a bully,’ he said. ‘The prig and the bully!’
‘Let me look!’ said Connie.
He did look indeed very clean-shaven and very clean altogether, one of the clean young men of twenty years ago. But even in the photograph his eyes were alert and dauntless. And the woman was not altogether a bully, though her jowl was heavy. There was a touch of appeal in her.
‘One never should keep these things,’ said Connie.
‘That, one shouldn’t! One should never have them made!’
He broke the cardboard photograph and mount over his knee, and when it was small enough, put it on the fire.
‘It’ll spoil the fire though,’ he said.
The glass and the backboard he carefully took upstairs.
The frame he knocked asunder with a few blows of the hammer, making the stucco fly. Then he took the pieces into the scullery.
‘We’ll burn that tomorrow,’ he said. ‘There’s too much plaster-moulding on it.’
Having cleared away, he sat down.
‘Did you love your wife?’ she asked him.
‘Love?’ he said. ‘Did you love Sir Clifford?’
But she was not going to be put off.
‘But you cared for her?’ she insisted.
‘Cared?’ He grinned.
‘Perhaps you care for her now,’ she said.
‘Me!’ His eyes widened. ‘Ah no, I can’t think of her,’ he said quietly.
‘Why?’
But he shook his head.
‘Then why don’t you get a divorce? She’ll come back to you one day,’ said Connie.
He looked up at her sharply.
‘She wouldn’t come within a mile of me. She hates me a lot worse than I hate her.’
‘You’ll see she’ll come back to you.’
‘That she never will. That’s done! It would make me sick to see her.’
‘You will see her. And you’re not even legally separated, are you?’
‘No.’
‘Ah well, then she’ll come back, and you’ll have to take her in.’
He gazed at Connie fixedly. Then he gave the queer toss of his head.
‘You might be right. I was a fool ever to come back here. But I felt stranded and had to go somewhere. A man’s a poor bit of a wastrel blown about. But you’re right. I’ll get a divorce and get clear. I hate those things like death, officials and courts and judges. But I’ve got to get through with it. I’ll get a divorce.’
And she saw his jaw set. Inwardly she exulted.
‘I think I will have a cup of tea now,’ she said.
He rose to make it. But his face was set.
As they sat at table she asked him:
‘Why did you marry her? She was commoner than yourself. Mrs Bolton told me about her. She could never understand why you married her.’
He looked at her fixedly.
‘I’ll tell you,’ he said. ‘The first girl I had, I began with when I was sixteen. She was a school-master’s daughter over at Ollerton, pretty, beautiful really. I was supposed to be a clever sort of young fellow from Sheffield Grammar School, with a bit of French and German, very much up aloft. She was the romantic sort that hated commonness. She egged me on to poetry and reading: in a way, she made a man of me. I read and I thought like a house on fire, for her. And I was a clerk in Butterley offices, thin, white-faced fellow fuming with all the things I read. And about everything I talked to her: but everything. We talked ourselves into Persepolis and Timbuctoo. We were the most literary-cultured couple in ten counties. I held forth with rapture to her, positively with rapture. I simply went up in smoke. And she adored me. The serpent in the grass was sex. She somehow didn’t have any; at least, not where it’s supposed to be. I got thinner and crazier. Then I said we’d got to be lovers. I talked her into it, as usual. So she let me. I was excited, and she never wanted it. She just didn’t want it. She adored me, she loved me to talk to her and kiss her: in that way she had a passion for me. But the other, she just didn’t want. And there are lots of women like her. And it was just the other that I did want. So there we split. I was cruel, and left her. Then I took on with another girl, a teacher, who had made a scandal by carrying on with a married man and driving him nearly out of his mind. She was a soft, white-skinned, soft sort of a woman, older than me, and played the fiddle. And she was a demon. She loved everything about love, except the sex. Clinging, caressing, creeping into you in every way: but if you forced her to the sex itself, she just ground her teeth and sent out hate. I forced her to it, and she could simply numb me with hate because of it. So I was balked again. I loathed all that. I wanted a woman who wanted me, and wanted it.
‘Then came Bertha Coutts. They’d lived next door to us when I was a little lad, so I knew ‘em all right. And they were common. Well, Bertha went away to some place or other in Birmingham; she said, as a lady’s companion; everybody else said, as a waitress or something in a hotel. Anyhow just when I was more than fed up with that other girl, when I was twenty-one, back comes Bertha, with airs and graces and smart clothes and a sort of bloom on her: a sort of sensual bloom that you’d see sometimes on a woman, or on a trolly. Well, I was in a state of murder. I chucked up my job at Butterley because I thought I was a weed, clerking there: and I got on as overhead blacksmith at Tevershall: shoeing horses mostly. It had been my dad’s job, and I’d always been with him. It was a job I liked: handling horses: and it came natural to me. So I stopped talking “fine”, as they call it, talking proper English, and went back to talking broad. I still read books, at home: but I blacksmithed and had a pony-trap of my own, and was My Lord Duckfoot. My dad left me three hundred pounds when he died. So I took on with Bertha, and I was glad she was common. I wanted her to be common. I wanted to be common myself. Well, I married her, and she wasn’t bad. Those other “pure” women had nearly taken all the balls out of me, but she was all right that way. She wanted me, and made no bones about it. And I was as pleased as punch. That was what I wanted: a woman who wanted me to fuck her. So I fucked her like a good un. And I think she despised me a bit, for being so pleased about it, and bringin’ her her breakfast in bed sometimes. She sort of let things go, didn’t get me a proper dinner when I came home from work, and if I said anything, flew out at me. And I flew back, hammer and tongs. She flung a cup at me and I took her by the scruff of the neck and squeezed the life out of her. That sort of thing! But she treated me with insolence. And she got so’s she’d never have me when I wanted her: never. Always put me off, brutal as you like. And then when she’d put me right off, and I didn’t want her, she’d come all lovey-dovey, and get me. And I always went. But when I had her, she’d never come off when I did. Never! She’d just wait. If I kept back for half an hour, she’d keep back longer. And when I’d come and really finished, then she’d start on her own account, and I had to stop inside her till she brought herself off, wriggling and shouting, she’d clutch clutch with herself down there, an’ then she’d come off, fair in ecstasy. And then she’d say: That was lovely! Gradually I got sick of it: and she got worse. She sort of got harder and harder to bring off, and she’d sort of tear at me down there, as if it was a beak tearing at me. By God, you think a woman’s soft down there, like a fig. But I tell you the old rampers have beaks between their legs, and they tear at you with it till you’re sick. Self! Self! Self! all self! tearing and shouting! They talk about men’s selfishness, but I doubt if it can ever touch a woman’s blind beakishness, once she’s gone that way. Like an old trull! And she couldn’t help it. I told her about it, I told her how I hated it. And she’d even try. She’d try to lie still and let me work the business. She’d try. But it was no good. She got no feeling off it, from my working. She had to work the thing herself, grind her own coffee. And it came back on her like a raving necessity, she had to let herself go, and tear, tear, tear, as if she had no sensation in her except in the top of her beak, the very outside top tip, that rubbed and tore. That’s how old whores used to be, so men used to say. It was a low kind of self-will in her, a raving sort of self-will: like in a woman who drinks. Well in the end I couldn’t stand it. We slept apart. She herself had started it, in her bouts when she wanted to be clear of me, when she said I bossed her. She had started having a room for herself. But the time came when I wouldn’t have her coming to my room. I wouldn’t.
