Delphi Complete Works of Stephen Leacock, page 420
EXTINCT MONSTERS ALL THAT WILL BE LEFT OF OUR HOUSEHOLD PETS IN 1,000 YEARS
THE PASSING OF THE BACK YARD ANOTHER SOCIAL REVOLUTION COMING STRAIGHT AT US
THE LITERARY SENSATIONS OF 1929 A CONFIDENTIAL GUIDE TO THE NEW BOOKS
CHILDREN’S POETRY REVISED HOW THE DEAR OLD POEMS OF OUR CHILDHOOD NEED TO BE BROUGHT UP TO DATE
ILLUSTRATIONS I CAN DO WITHOUT SOME GENTLE SUGGESTIONS FOR THE CONTEMPORARY ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINES
OUR SUMMER PETS AS PRESENTED BY OUR ENTHUSIASTIC NATURE WRITERS
THE OLD MEN’S PAGE A BRAND NEW FEATURE IN JOURNALISM
A GUIDE TO THE UNDERWORLD A LITTLE UNSOCIAL REGISTER FOR THE USE OF READERS OF UP-TO-DATE FICTION
LOVE ME, LOVE MY LETTERS THE USE OF INK FOR THE FIRST INKLINGS OF LOVE
WITH THE AUTHORITIES SHOWING HOW EASILY THEY EXCEL AT THEIR OWN GAMES
LITERATURE AND THE EIGHTEENTH AMENDMENT
THE HUNT FOR A HEROINE HOW THE FICTION WRITER STRUGGLES TO MAKE AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
BED-TIME STORIES FOR GROWN-UP PEOPLE WITH APOLOGIES TO OUR BEST CHILDREN’S WRITERS
SOFTENING THE STORIES FOR THE CHILDREN BUT DON’T DO IT: THEY PREFER THEM ROUGH
THE GREAT DETECTIVE
THE EPILOGUE OF THIS BOOK
THE IRON MAN AND THE TIN WOMAN
FURTHER PROGRESS IN SPECIALIZATION
WHEN SOCIAL REGULATION IS COMPLETE
ISN’T IT JUST WONDERFUL?
THE LAST OF THE RUBBER NECKS
ATHLETICS FOR 1950
THE CRIMINAL FACE
ASTRONOMICAL ALARMS
MEMOIRS OF AN ICEMAN
THE MEMOIRS OF A NIGHT WATCHMAN
CONFESSIONS OF A SUPER-EXTRA-CRIMINAL
THE LIFE OF J. CORRESPONDENCE SMITH
EDDIE THE BARTENDER
JANUS AND THE JANITOR
THE INTIMATE DISCLOSURES OF A WRONGED WOMAN
LITTLE CONVERSATIONS OF THE HOUR
TRAVEL IS SO BROADENING
TOMMY AND MILLY AT THE FARM
LIFE’S LITTLE INCONSISTENCIES
NEW WORDS — NEW THINGS
MORE MESSAGES FROM MARS
PORTENTS OF THE FUTURE
RURAL URBANITY
ALL UP!
WILLIE NUT TRIES TO ENTER COLLEGE
GRADUATION DAY AT THE BARBERS COLLEGE
CORRESPONDENCE MANUAL NUMBER ONE
THE GOLFOMANIAC
THE GOLFER’S POCKET GUIDE
THE GOLF SEASON IN RETROSPECT
LONG AFTER BEDTIME
THE NEWER TRUTHFULNESS
A MIDSUMMER DETECTIVE MYSTERY
LITTLE LESSONS IN JOURNALISM
MORE LITERARY SCANDALS
WHO READS WHAT
OVERHAULING THE ENCYCLOPEDIA
JAZZLED JOURNALISM
THIS HEART-TO-HEART STUFF
FORTY YEARS OF BILLIARDS
THE HERO OF HOME WEEK
CONVERSATIONS I CAN DO WITHOUT
MR. CHAIRMAN, I BEG TO MOVE ——
FIFTY CENTS WORTH
MY FINANCIAL CAREER
BUGGAM GRANGE: A GOOD OLD GHOST STORY
HOW WE KEPT MOTHER’S DAY. AS RELATED BY A MEMBER OF THE FAMILY
THE LAUNDRY PROBLEM. A YEARNING FOR THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF THE HUMBLE WASHERWOMAN
THE GREAT DETECTIVE
THE OLD, OLD STORY OF HOW FIVE MEN WENT FISHING
GUIDO THE GIMLET OF GHENT: A ROMANCE OF CHIVALRY
THE HALLUCINATION OF MR. BUTT
CAST UP BY THE SEA. A SEA COAST MELODRAMA (AS THROWN UP FOR 30 CENTS) — PERIOD, 1880
HOW MY WIFE AND I BUILT OUR HOME FOR $4.90. RELATED IN THE MANNER OF THE BEST MODELS IN THE MAGAZINES
SOFTENING THE STORIES FOR THE CHILDREN. BUT DON’T DO IT: THEY PREFER THEM ROUGH
THE EVERLASTING ANGLER
THE GOLFOMANIAC
GERTRUDE THE GOVERNESS: OR, SIMPLE SEVENTEEN. SYNOPSIS OF PREVIOUS CHAPTERS:. THERE ARE NO PREVIOUS CHAPTERS.
LETTERS TO THE NEW RULERS OF THE WORLD
THE MARINE EXCURSION OF THE KNIGHTS OF PYTHIAS
MY LOST DOLLAR
PERSONAL EXPERIMENTS WITH THE BLACK BASS
THE RESTORATION OF WHISKERS A NEGLECTED FACTOR IN THE DECLINE OF KNOWLEDGE
OLD JUNK AND NEW MONEY. A LITTLE STUDY IN THE LATEST ANTIQUES
OXFORD AS I SEE IT
THE SNOOPOPATHS OR FIFTY STORIES IN ONE
MY AFFAIR WITH MY LANDLORD
THE GIVE AND TAKE OF TRAVEL. A STUDY IN PETTY LARCENY, PRO AND CON
THE RETROACTIVE EXISTENCE OF MR. JUGGINS
HOMER AND HUMBUG, AN ACADEMIC DISCUSSION
WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT
CAROLINE’S CHRISTMAS: OR, THE INEXPLICABLE INFANT
FATHER KNICKERBOCKER — A FANTASY
SIMPLE STORIES OF SUCCESS OR HOW TO SUCCEED IN LIFE
HISTORICAL DRAMA
HUMOUR AS I SEE IT
L’ENVOI. THE FADED ACTOR
INTRODUCTION
THE REVISED OR DRY PICKWICK
RATIFICATION OF THE NEW NAVAL DISAGREEMENT. (AN EXTRACT FROM THE ANNUAL REGISTER OF 1933)
A MEDIÆVAL HOLE IN ONE. WET GOLF IN DRY HISTORY
THE GREAT WAR AS RECORDED BY MR. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. EXTRAORDINARY WAR PLAY DISCOVERED AT STRATFORD-ON-AVON
IF THE GANDHI HABIT SPREADS. WHAT IF ALL THE POLITICIANS STRIP TO THE WAIST
IN PRAISE OF THE AMERICANS. THOUGHTS SUGGESTED BY WRITING THE FIRST STORY IN THIS BOOK
ONCE TO EVERYMAN
CONFESSIONS OF A SODA FIEND. WRITTEN FROM A CONDEMNED CELL
A GUIDE TO THE PROVINCE OF QUEBEC. FOR THE USE OF AMERICAN TOURISTS
REVISED EDITION
WHY THE NEXT WAR DIDN’T HAPPEN. AN ATTEMPT TO REASSURE THE PUBLIC
A, B, AND C. AFTER TWENTY YEARS
BREAKFAST AT THE SMITHS’. A LITTLE STUDY IN THE BEAUTY OF CHEERFULNESS
THE PERFECT OPTIMIST. OR DAY-DREAMS IN A DENTAL CHAIR
CHILDREN’S POETRY REVISED
TUM AND PLAY DOLF. WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN MINIATURE GOLF GETS IN ITS EFFECT ON THE HUMAN MIND
HO FOR HAPPINESS. A PLEA FOR LIGHTER AND BRIGHTER LITERATURE
TENNIS AT THE SMITHS’. A SIMPLE STATEMENT OF THE FACTS
A BUTLER OF THE OLD SCHOOL
THE FLYING CARPET. BUT WHERE COULD IT FLY TO, NOW?
COME AND SEE OUR TOWN. HOW THE VISITOR FEELS WHEN SHOWN AROUND
INFLATION AND DEFLATION OR FLATION IN AND DE
L’ENVOI: WHAT NEXT?. A GLIMPSE INTO OUR ULTIMATE FUTURE
PART I. UTOPIA OLD AND NEW
PART II. GRANDFATHER GOES TO WAR
PART III. THE DOCTOR AND THE CONTRAPTION
PART IV. RAH! RAH! COLLEGE OR TOM BUNCOM AT SHUCKSFORD
PART V. THE BAND OF BROTHERS
PART VI. A FRAGMENT FROM UTOPIA
THE SOCIAL PLAN
DEAD CERTAINTY
THE RANCHMAN’S REVERIE
HAPPY JIM, THE CONSUMER
OH! MR. MALTHUS!
MEET MR. WEGG, BANKER
FINALE
AN EDUCATIONAL APPENDIX
MODEL MEMOIRS
MODEL MONOLOGUES
THE DISSOLUTION OF OUR DINNER CLUB
HOW TO LOSE MONEY
THE FAMILIAR MAGIC OF FISHING
OVERWORKING THE ALPHABET
ON THE NEED FOR A QUIET COLLEGE
TURN BACK THE CLOCK
QUALITY DOES IT
COME OUT INTO THE GARDEN
THE ANATOMY OF GLOOM
A DIP INTO PSYCHOLOGY
THEN AND NOW
THROWN OUT
WHAT I READ THEN; WHAT YOU READ NOW
HAND ME DOWN THAT BOOK
WHO KNOWS IT?
HOW MUCH DOES LANGUAGE CHANGE?
HOW FAR CAN WE PLAN?
COLLEGE AS COMIC STUFF
ALL IS NOT LOST!
PREFACE
CHAPTER I. EDUCATION EATING UP LIFE
CHAPTER II. THE MACHINE AT WORK
CHAPTER III. WHAT GOOD IS LATIN?
CHAPTER IV. MATHEMATICS VERSUS PUZZLES
CHAPTER V. PARLEZ-VOUS FRANÇAIS? OR, WHY CAN’T WE LEARN MODERN LANGUAGES?
CHAPTER VI. HAS ECONOMICS GONE TO SEED?
CHAPTER VII. PSYCHOLOGY THE BLACK ART OF THE COLLEGE
CHAPTER VIII. TEACHING THE UNTEACHABLE
CHAPTER IX. RAH! RAH! COLLEGE!
WHEN MEN RETIRE
AS HISTORY GROWS DIM
TWENTY CENTS’ WORTH OF MURDER
READER’S JUNK
THREE ON EACH
NOTHING MISSING
THINKING OF TOMORROW
INFORMATION WHILE YOU DRINK
NO PLACE FOR GENTLEMEN
WE HAVE WITH US TONIGHT
A HUMBLE LOVER
THE MAGIC OF FINANCE
HE GUESSED RIGHT
ELECTRIC SERVICE
OUR VANISHED INDUSTRIES
COULDN’T SLEEP A WINK
GO TO MOTHER
FIVE DOLLARS, RIGHT NOW
ARE PROFESSORS ABSENT-MINDED?
WANTED: A GOLD-FISH
MUSHROOMS
HELP WANTED
ATMOSPHERE
FREEDOM OF THOUGHT
HIS BETTER SELF
OH, SLEEP! OH, GENTLE SLEEP!
EPILOGUE
BASS FISHING ON LAKE SIMCOE WITH JAKE GAUDAUR
SOME MEMORIES I - MY REMARKABLE UNCLE
SOME MEMORIES II - THE OLD FARM AND THE NEW FRAME
SOME MEMORIES III - THE STRUGGLE TO MAKE US GENTLEMEN. A MEMORY OF MY OLD SCHOOL
LITERARY STUDIES I - THE BRITISH SOLDIER
SOLDIER, SOLDIER, WILL YOU MARRY ME, WITH YOUR KNAPSACK, FIFE AND DRUM?
LITERARY STUDIES II - THE MATHEMATICAL PROBLEM OF THE LOST CHORD
LITERARY STUDIES III - THE PASSING OF THE KITCHEN
LITERARY STUDIES IV - COME BACK TO SCHOOL
LITERARY STUDIES V - WHAT’S IN A NAME?
LITERARY STUDIES VI - WHO CANONIZES THE CLASSICS?
AMONG THE ANTIQUES - AN ADVENTURE OF AFTERNOON TEA
SPORTING SECTION I - WHAT IS A SPORT?
SPORTING SECTION II - WHY DO WE FISH?
THE COMPLETE PHILOSOPHY OF THE ANGLER
SPORTING SECTION III - WHEN FELLERS GO FISHING
SPORTING SECTION IV - EATING AIR
A DISCOURSE ON THE MAGIC OF EATING OUT OF DOORS
STUDIES IN HUMOUR I - THE SAVING GRACE OF HUMOUR
IS THERE ANY?
STUDIES IN HUMOUR II - LAUGHING OFF OUR HISTORY
STUDIES IN HUMOUR III - WAR AND HUMOUR
MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS I - CHRISTMAS RAPTURE
PRE-WAR
MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS II - CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
PRE-WAR
MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS III - WAR-TIME CHRISTMAS: SANTA CLAUS
MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS IV - WAR-TIME CHRISTMAS: 1941
GOODWILL FOR AMERICA I - CRICKET FOR AMERICANS
GOODWILL FOR AMERICA II - OUR AMERICAN VISITORS
GOODWILL FOR AMERICA III - A WELCOME TO A VISITING AMERICAN
AT THE CANADIAN NATIONAL EXHIBITION
GOODWILL FOR AMERICA IV - UNCLE SAM: AN ALLEGORY
THE TRANSIT OF VENUS - A COLLEGE STORY
MIGRATION IN ENGLISH LITERATURE - A STUDY OF ENGLAND AND AMERICA
THREE SCORE AND TEN - THE BUSINESS OF GROWING OLD
THE PERFECT INDEX - THERE IS NO INDEX, AND WHY
L’ENVOI: A SALUTATION ACROSS THE SEA
MR. MCCOY SAILS FOR FIJI
PAWN TO KING’S FOUR
IMPERVIOUS TO WOMEN
THE JONES’S ENCHANTED CASTLE
MR. ALCORN IMPROVES HIMSELF
CLOUDS THAT ROLLED BY: MR. ALLDONE’S AWFUL DAY
ANGEL POND, LURE OF THE NORTH
COOKING FOR VICTORY
GOOD NEWS! A NEW PARTY!
THE LIFE OF LEA AND PERRINS
A MORNING OFF
MR. PLUMTER, B.A., REVISITS THE OLD SHOP
ALLEGORY ISLAND
DAMON AND PYTHIAS, BARRISTERS, SOLICITORS, ETC.
BOOM TIMES
MARIPOSA MOVES ON
THE HAPPY WARRIOR
NATIONAL DEBT, NATIONAL BLESSING
THE SULTAN SPEAKS FROM THE GRAVE
HAVE YOU GOT EVEN ONE CENT?
THE RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION OF ANGUS MCCORDELL
THE CHAIRMAN’S WALKING STICK
GOING! GOING! GONE!
A NEW HEAVEN AND A NEW EARTH
ARE WITTY WOMEN ATTRACTIVE TO MEN?
LIVING WITH MURDER
WHAT CAN IZAAK WALTON TEACH US?
A LECTURE ON WALKING
GOOD-BYE, MOTOR CAR!
COMMON SENSE AND THE UNIVERSE
AN APOLOGY FOR THE BRITISH EMPIRE
BRITAIN AND CANADA
OLD PHASES AND NEW
GENERALS I HAVE TRAINED
THIS BUSINESS OF PROPHECY
REBUILDING THE CITIES
CASTING OUT ANIMOSITY
WOMAN’S LEVEL
THE SCHOOL IS THE LEVER
TO EVERY CHILD
GOLD
CAN WE BEAT INFLATION?
UNCLE SAM, GOOD NEIGHBOUR
AN ALLEGORY
ALL RIGHT, MR. ROOSEVELT
CANADA AND THE UNITED STATES
ALICE WALKS IN WONDERLAND
GILBERT’S “BAB” BALLADS
SCENERY
CHARACTERS
Q. A PSYCHIC PSTORY OF THE PSUPER NATURAL
List of Short Stories in Alphabetical Order
Please note: to retain the original structure of story collections, some tales appear more than once in the list.
A BUTLER OF THE OLD SCHOOL
A CHRISTMAS EXAMINATION
A CHRISTMAS LETTER
A CLEAR VIEW OF THE GOVERNMENT AND POLITICS OF ENGLAND
A DIP INTO PSYCHOLOGY
A DISCOURSE ON THE MAGIC OF EATING OUT OF DOORS
A GREAT LIFE IN OUR MIDST JOE BROWN, CHAMPION PIE EATER
A GUIDE TO THE PROVINCE OF QUEBEC. FOR THE USE OF AMERICAN TOURISTS
A GUIDE TO THE UNDERWORLD A LITTLE UNSOCIAL REGISTER FOR THE USE OF READERS OF UP-TO-DATE FICTION
A HERO IN HOMESPUN: OR, THE LIFE STRUGGLE OF HEZEKIAH HAYLOFT
A HUMBLE LOVER
A LECTURE ON WALKING
A LESSON IN FICTION
A LESSON ON THE LINKS THE APPLICATION OF MATHEMATICS TO GOLF
A LITTLE DINNER WITH MR. LUCULLUS FYSHE
A MANUAL OF EDUCATION
A MEDIÆVAL HOLE IN ONE. WET GOLF IN DRY HISTORY
A MIDSUMMER DETECTIVE MYSTERY
A MODEL DIALOGUE
A MORNING OFF
A NEW HEAVEN AND A NEW EARTH
A NEW PATHOLOGY
A REHABILITATION OF CHARLES II
A SERMON ON COLLEGE HUMOUR
A STUDY IN STILL LIFE — MY TAILOR
A STUDY IN STILL LIFE. — THE COUNTRY HOTEL
A SUBSCRIPTION WITH REFLECTIONS
A YEAR AT COLLEGE AS REVEALED IN THE NEWER COMIC JOURNALISM
A, B, AND C
A, B, AND C. AFTER TWENTY YEARS
ABDUL AZIZ HAS HIS: AN ADVENTURE IN THE YILDIZ KIOSK
ABOLISHING THE HEROINE. (A PLEA THAT FEWER HEROINES AND MORE CRIMES WOULD ADD SPRIGHTLINESS TO OUR FICTION)
AFTERNOON ADVENTURES AT MY CLUB
AFTERNOON TEA WITH THE SULTAN
ALICE WALKS IN WONDERLAND
ALL IS NOT LOST!
ALL RIGHT, MR. ROOSEVELT
ALL UP!
ALLEGORY ISLAND
AMERICAN HUMOUR
AMONG THE ANTIQUES - AN ADVENTURE OF AFTERNOON TEA
AN ALLEGORY
AN APOLOGY FOR THE BRITISH EMPIRE
AN EDUCATIONAL APPENDIX
AN EVERY-DAY EXPERIENCE
AN EXPERIMENT WITH POLICEMAN HOGAN
ANGEL POND, LURE OF THE NORTH
ARE PROFESSORS ABSENT-MINDED?
ARE THE RICH HAPPY?
ARE WITTY WOMEN ATTRACTIVE TO MEN?
ARISTOCRATIC ANECDOTES OR LITTLE STORIES OF GREAT PEOPLE
ARISTOCRATIC EDUCATION
AS HISTORY GROWS DIM
ASTRONOMICAL ALARMS
AT THE CANADIAN NATIONAL EXHIBITION
ATHLETICS FOR 1950
ATMOSPHERE
BACK FROM THE LAND
BACK TO THE BUSH
BASS FISHING ON LAKE SIMCOE WITH JAKE GAUDAUR
BED-TIME STORIES FOR GROWN-UP PEOPLE WITH APOLOGIES TO OUR BEST CHILDREN’S WRITERS
BEHIND THE BEYOND
BOARDING-HOUSE GEOMETRY
BOOM TIMES
BORROWING A MATCH
BREAKFAST AT THE SMITHS’. A LITTLE STUDY IN THE BEAUTY OF CHEERFULNESS
BRITAIN AND CANADA
BROKEN BARRIERS. OR, RED LOVE ON A BLUE ISLAND
BROTHERLY LOVE AMONG THE NATIONS
BUGGAM GRANGE. A GOOD OLD GHOST STORY
BUGGAM GRANGE: A GOOD OLD GHOST STORY
BUSINESS IN ENGLAND. WANTED — MORE PROFITEERS
CAN WE BEAT INFLATION?
CANADA AND THE UNITED STATES
CAROLINE’S CHRISTMAS: OR, THE INEXPLICABLE INFANT
CAROLINE’S CHRISTMAS: OR, THE INEXPLICABLE INFANT
CAST UP BY THE SEA. A SEA COAST MELODRAMA (AS THROWN UP FOR 30 CENTS) — PERIOD, 1880
CAST UP BY THE SEA. A SEA COAST MELODRAMA (AS THROWN UP FOR 30 CENTS) — PERIOD, 1880
CASTING OUT ANIMOSITY
CHILDREN’S POETRY REVISED
CHILDREN’S POETRY REVISED HOW THE DEAR OLD POEMS OF OUR CHILDHOOD NEED TO BE BROUGHT UP TO DATE
CLOUDS THAT ROLLED BY: MR. ALLDONE’S AWFUL DAY
COLLEGE AS COMIC STUFF
COME AND SEE OUR TOWN. HOW THE VISITOR FEELS WHEN SHOWN AROUND
COME BACK TO SCHOOL AND LET US SEE WHAT THE DEAR OLD DAYS FELT LIKE
COME OUT INTO THE GARDEN
COMMON SENSE AND THE UNIVERSE
CONFESSIONS OF A SODA FIEND. WRITTEN FROM A CONDEMNED CELL
CONFESSIONS OF A SUPER-EXTRA-CRIMINAL
CONVERSATIONS I CAN DO WITHOUT
COOKING FOR VICTORY
CORRESPONDENCE MANUAL NUMBER ONE
COULDN’T SLEEP A WINK
DAMON AND PYTHIAS, BARRISTERS, SOLICITORS, ETC.
DEAD CERTAINTY
DEAD MEN’S GOLD. A FILM OF THE GREAT NEVADA DESERT IN WHICH RED-BLOODED, ABLE-BODIED MEN AND WOMEN A HUNDRED PER CENT AMERICAN LIVE AND LOVE AMONG THE CACTUS AND CHAPARRAL. SOMETHING OF THE OZONE OF THE COW PASTURE MINGLED WITH THE GLOOM OF THE GREAT CANYONS BLOWS ALL THROUGH THIS PLAY.
DONE INTO MOVIES BUT CAN YOU RECOGNIZE THE GOOD OLD STORIES WHEN THEY GET THEM DONE?
EASY WAYS TO SUCCESS A LETTER TO A PARLOR BOLSHEVIK JUST OUT OF COLLEGE
ECHOES OF THE WAR
EDDIE THE BARTENDER
EDUCATION MADE AGREEABLE OR THE DIVERSIONS OF A PROFESSOR
ELECTRIC SERVICE
ENGLISH AS SHE IS TAUGHT AT COLLEGE
EPILOGUE
EVERY MAN AND HIS FRIENDS. MR. CRUNCH’S PORTRAIT GALLERY (AS EDITED FROM HIS PRIVATE THOUGHTS)
EXTINCT MONSTERS ALL THAT WILL BE LEFT OF OUR HOUSEHOLD PETS IN 1,000 YEARS
THE PASSING OF THE BACK YARD ANOTHER SOCIAL REVOLUTION COMING STRAIGHT AT US
THE LITERARY SENSATIONS OF 1929 A CONFIDENTIAL GUIDE TO THE NEW BOOKS
CHILDREN’S POETRY REVISED HOW THE DEAR OLD POEMS OF OUR CHILDHOOD NEED TO BE BROUGHT UP TO DATE
ILLUSTRATIONS I CAN DO WITHOUT SOME GENTLE SUGGESTIONS FOR THE CONTEMPORARY ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINES
OUR SUMMER PETS AS PRESENTED BY OUR ENTHUSIASTIC NATURE WRITERS
THE OLD MEN’S PAGE A BRAND NEW FEATURE IN JOURNALISM
A GUIDE TO THE UNDERWORLD A LITTLE UNSOCIAL REGISTER FOR THE USE OF READERS OF UP-TO-DATE FICTION
LOVE ME, LOVE MY LETTERS THE USE OF INK FOR THE FIRST INKLINGS OF LOVE
WITH THE AUTHORITIES SHOWING HOW EASILY THEY EXCEL AT THEIR OWN GAMES
LITERATURE AND THE EIGHTEENTH AMENDMENT
THE HUNT FOR A HEROINE HOW THE FICTION WRITER STRUGGLES TO MAKE AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
BED-TIME STORIES FOR GROWN-UP PEOPLE WITH APOLOGIES TO OUR BEST CHILDREN’S WRITERS
SOFTENING THE STORIES FOR THE CHILDREN BUT DON’T DO IT: THEY PREFER THEM ROUGH
THE GREAT DETECTIVE
THE EPILOGUE OF THIS BOOK
THE IRON MAN AND THE TIN WOMAN
FURTHER PROGRESS IN SPECIALIZATION
WHEN SOCIAL REGULATION IS COMPLETE
ISN’T IT JUST WONDERFUL?
THE LAST OF THE RUBBER NECKS
ATHLETICS FOR 1950
THE CRIMINAL FACE
ASTRONOMICAL ALARMS
MEMOIRS OF AN ICEMAN
THE MEMOIRS OF A NIGHT WATCHMAN
CONFESSIONS OF A SUPER-EXTRA-CRIMINAL
THE LIFE OF J. CORRESPONDENCE SMITH
EDDIE THE BARTENDER
JANUS AND THE JANITOR
THE INTIMATE DISCLOSURES OF A WRONGED WOMAN
LITTLE CONVERSATIONS OF THE HOUR
TRAVEL IS SO BROADENING
TOMMY AND MILLY AT THE FARM
LIFE’S LITTLE INCONSISTENCIES
NEW WORDS — NEW THINGS
MORE MESSAGES FROM MARS
PORTENTS OF THE FUTURE
RURAL URBANITY
ALL UP!
WILLIE NUT TRIES TO ENTER COLLEGE
GRADUATION DAY AT THE BARBERS COLLEGE
CORRESPONDENCE MANUAL NUMBER ONE
THE GOLFOMANIAC
THE GOLFER’S POCKET GUIDE
THE GOLF SEASON IN RETROSPECT
LONG AFTER BEDTIME
THE NEWER TRUTHFULNESS
A MIDSUMMER DETECTIVE MYSTERY
LITTLE LESSONS IN JOURNALISM
MORE LITERARY SCANDALS
WHO READS WHAT
OVERHAULING THE ENCYCLOPEDIA
JAZZLED JOURNALISM
THIS HEART-TO-HEART STUFF
FORTY YEARS OF BILLIARDS
THE HERO OF HOME WEEK
CONVERSATIONS I CAN DO WITHOUT
MR. CHAIRMAN, I BEG TO MOVE ——
FIFTY CENTS WORTH
MY FINANCIAL CAREER
BUGGAM GRANGE: A GOOD OLD GHOST STORY
HOW WE KEPT MOTHER’S DAY. AS RELATED BY A MEMBER OF THE FAMILY
THE LAUNDRY PROBLEM. A YEARNING FOR THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF THE HUMBLE WASHERWOMAN
THE GREAT DETECTIVE
THE OLD, OLD STORY OF HOW FIVE MEN WENT FISHING
GUIDO THE GIMLET OF GHENT: A ROMANCE OF CHIVALRY
THE HALLUCINATION OF MR. BUTT
CAST UP BY THE SEA. A SEA COAST MELODRAMA (AS THROWN UP FOR 30 CENTS) — PERIOD, 1880
HOW MY WIFE AND I BUILT OUR HOME FOR $4.90. RELATED IN THE MANNER OF THE BEST MODELS IN THE MAGAZINES
SOFTENING THE STORIES FOR THE CHILDREN. BUT DON’T DO IT: THEY PREFER THEM ROUGH
THE EVERLASTING ANGLER
THE GOLFOMANIAC
GERTRUDE THE GOVERNESS: OR, SIMPLE SEVENTEEN. SYNOPSIS OF PREVIOUS CHAPTERS:. THERE ARE NO PREVIOUS CHAPTERS.
LETTERS TO THE NEW RULERS OF THE WORLD
THE MARINE EXCURSION OF THE KNIGHTS OF PYTHIAS
MY LOST DOLLAR
PERSONAL EXPERIMENTS WITH THE BLACK BASS
THE RESTORATION OF WHISKERS A NEGLECTED FACTOR IN THE DECLINE OF KNOWLEDGE
OLD JUNK AND NEW MONEY. A LITTLE STUDY IN THE LATEST ANTIQUES
OXFORD AS I SEE IT
THE SNOOPOPATHS OR FIFTY STORIES IN ONE
MY AFFAIR WITH MY LANDLORD
THE GIVE AND TAKE OF TRAVEL. A STUDY IN PETTY LARCENY, PRO AND CON
THE RETROACTIVE EXISTENCE OF MR. JUGGINS
HOMER AND HUMBUG, AN ACADEMIC DISCUSSION
WE HAVE WITH US TO-NIGHT
CAROLINE’S CHRISTMAS: OR, THE INEXPLICABLE INFANT
FATHER KNICKERBOCKER — A FANTASY
SIMPLE STORIES OF SUCCESS OR HOW TO SUCCEED IN LIFE
HISTORICAL DRAMA
HUMOUR AS I SEE IT
L’ENVOI. THE FADED ACTOR
INTRODUCTION
THE REVISED OR DRY PICKWICK
RATIFICATION OF THE NEW NAVAL DISAGREEMENT. (AN EXTRACT FROM THE ANNUAL REGISTER OF 1933)
A MEDIÆVAL HOLE IN ONE. WET GOLF IN DRY HISTORY
THE GREAT WAR AS RECORDED BY MR. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. EXTRAORDINARY WAR PLAY DISCOVERED AT STRATFORD-ON-AVON
IF THE GANDHI HABIT SPREADS. WHAT IF ALL THE POLITICIANS STRIP TO THE WAIST
IN PRAISE OF THE AMERICANS. THOUGHTS SUGGESTED BY WRITING THE FIRST STORY IN THIS BOOK
ONCE TO EVERYMAN
CONFESSIONS OF A SODA FIEND. WRITTEN FROM A CONDEMNED CELL
A GUIDE TO THE PROVINCE OF QUEBEC. FOR THE USE OF AMERICAN TOURISTS
REVISED EDITION
WHY THE NEXT WAR DIDN’T HAPPEN. AN ATTEMPT TO REASSURE THE PUBLIC
A, B, AND C. AFTER TWENTY YEARS
BREAKFAST AT THE SMITHS’. A LITTLE STUDY IN THE BEAUTY OF CHEERFULNESS
THE PERFECT OPTIMIST. OR DAY-DREAMS IN A DENTAL CHAIR
CHILDREN’S POETRY REVISED
TUM AND PLAY DOLF. WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN MINIATURE GOLF GETS IN ITS EFFECT ON THE HUMAN MIND
HO FOR HAPPINESS. A PLEA FOR LIGHTER AND BRIGHTER LITERATURE
TENNIS AT THE SMITHS’. A SIMPLE STATEMENT OF THE FACTS
A BUTLER OF THE OLD SCHOOL
THE FLYING CARPET. BUT WHERE COULD IT FLY TO, NOW?
COME AND SEE OUR TOWN. HOW THE VISITOR FEELS WHEN SHOWN AROUND
INFLATION AND DEFLATION OR FLATION IN AND DE
L’ENVOI: WHAT NEXT?. A GLIMPSE INTO OUR ULTIMATE FUTURE
PART I. UTOPIA OLD AND NEW
PART II. GRANDFATHER GOES TO WAR
PART III. THE DOCTOR AND THE CONTRAPTION
PART IV. RAH! RAH! COLLEGE OR TOM BUNCOM AT SHUCKSFORD
PART V. THE BAND OF BROTHERS
PART VI. A FRAGMENT FROM UTOPIA
THE SOCIAL PLAN
DEAD CERTAINTY
THE RANCHMAN’S REVERIE
HAPPY JIM, THE CONSUMER
OH! MR. MALTHUS!
MEET MR. WEGG, BANKER
FINALE
AN EDUCATIONAL APPENDIX
MODEL MEMOIRS
MODEL MONOLOGUES
THE DISSOLUTION OF OUR DINNER CLUB
HOW TO LOSE MONEY
THE FAMILIAR MAGIC OF FISHING
OVERWORKING THE ALPHABET
ON THE NEED FOR A QUIET COLLEGE
TURN BACK THE CLOCK
QUALITY DOES IT
COME OUT INTO THE GARDEN
THE ANATOMY OF GLOOM
A DIP INTO PSYCHOLOGY
THEN AND NOW
THROWN OUT
WHAT I READ THEN; WHAT YOU READ NOW
HAND ME DOWN THAT BOOK
WHO KNOWS IT?
HOW MUCH DOES LANGUAGE CHANGE?
HOW FAR CAN WE PLAN?
COLLEGE AS COMIC STUFF
ALL IS NOT LOST!
PREFACE
CHAPTER I. EDUCATION EATING UP LIFE
CHAPTER II. THE MACHINE AT WORK
CHAPTER III. WHAT GOOD IS LATIN?
CHAPTER IV. MATHEMATICS VERSUS PUZZLES
CHAPTER V. PARLEZ-VOUS FRANÇAIS? OR, WHY CAN’T WE LEARN MODERN LANGUAGES?
CHAPTER VI. HAS ECONOMICS GONE TO SEED?
CHAPTER VII. PSYCHOLOGY THE BLACK ART OF THE COLLEGE
CHAPTER VIII. TEACHING THE UNTEACHABLE
CHAPTER IX. RAH! RAH! COLLEGE!
WHEN MEN RETIRE
AS HISTORY GROWS DIM
TWENTY CENTS’ WORTH OF MURDER
READER’S JUNK
THREE ON EACH
NOTHING MISSING
THINKING OF TOMORROW
INFORMATION WHILE YOU DRINK
NO PLACE FOR GENTLEMEN
WE HAVE WITH US TONIGHT
A HUMBLE LOVER
THE MAGIC OF FINANCE
HE GUESSED RIGHT
ELECTRIC SERVICE
OUR VANISHED INDUSTRIES
COULDN’T SLEEP A WINK
GO TO MOTHER
FIVE DOLLARS, RIGHT NOW
ARE PROFESSORS ABSENT-MINDED?
WANTED: A GOLD-FISH
MUSHROOMS
HELP WANTED
ATMOSPHERE
FREEDOM OF THOUGHT
HIS BETTER SELF
OH, SLEEP! OH, GENTLE SLEEP!
EPILOGUE
BASS FISHING ON LAKE SIMCOE WITH JAKE GAUDAUR
SOME MEMORIES I - MY REMARKABLE UNCLE
SOME MEMORIES II - THE OLD FARM AND THE NEW FRAME
SOME MEMORIES III - THE STRUGGLE TO MAKE US GENTLEMEN. A MEMORY OF MY OLD SCHOOL
LITERARY STUDIES I - THE BRITISH SOLDIER
SOLDIER, SOLDIER, WILL YOU MARRY ME, WITH YOUR KNAPSACK, FIFE AND DRUM?
LITERARY STUDIES II - THE MATHEMATICAL PROBLEM OF THE LOST CHORD
LITERARY STUDIES III - THE PASSING OF THE KITCHEN
LITERARY STUDIES IV - COME BACK TO SCHOOL
LITERARY STUDIES V - WHAT’S IN A NAME?
LITERARY STUDIES VI - WHO CANONIZES THE CLASSICS?
AMONG THE ANTIQUES - AN ADVENTURE OF AFTERNOON TEA
SPORTING SECTION I - WHAT IS A SPORT?
SPORTING SECTION II - WHY DO WE FISH?
THE COMPLETE PHILOSOPHY OF THE ANGLER
SPORTING SECTION III - WHEN FELLERS GO FISHING
SPORTING SECTION IV - EATING AIR
A DISCOURSE ON THE MAGIC OF EATING OUT OF DOORS
STUDIES IN HUMOUR I - THE SAVING GRACE OF HUMOUR
IS THERE ANY?
STUDIES IN HUMOUR II - LAUGHING OFF OUR HISTORY
STUDIES IN HUMOUR III - WAR AND HUMOUR
MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS I - CHRISTMAS RAPTURE
PRE-WAR
MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS II - CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
PRE-WAR
MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS III - WAR-TIME CHRISTMAS: SANTA CLAUS
MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS IV - WAR-TIME CHRISTMAS: 1941
GOODWILL FOR AMERICA I - CRICKET FOR AMERICANS
GOODWILL FOR AMERICA II - OUR AMERICAN VISITORS
GOODWILL FOR AMERICA III - A WELCOME TO A VISITING AMERICAN
AT THE CANADIAN NATIONAL EXHIBITION
GOODWILL FOR AMERICA IV - UNCLE SAM: AN ALLEGORY
THE TRANSIT OF VENUS - A COLLEGE STORY
MIGRATION IN ENGLISH LITERATURE - A STUDY OF ENGLAND AND AMERICA
THREE SCORE AND TEN - THE BUSINESS OF GROWING OLD
THE PERFECT INDEX - THERE IS NO INDEX, AND WHY
L’ENVOI: A SALUTATION ACROSS THE SEA
MR. MCCOY SAILS FOR FIJI
PAWN TO KING’S FOUR
IMPERVIOUS TO WOMEN
THE JONES’S ENCHANTED CASTLE
MR. ALCORN IMPROVES HIMSELF
CLOUDS THAT ROLLED BY: MR. ALLDONE’S AWFUL DAY
ANGEL POND, LURE OF THE NORTH
COOKING FOR VICTORY
GOOD NEWS! A NEW PARTY!
THE LIFE OF LEA AND PERRINS
A MORNING OFF
MR. PLUMTER, B.A., REVISITS THE OLD SHOP
ALLEGORY ISLAND
DAMON AND PYTHIAS, BARRISTERS, SOLICITORS, ETC.
BOOM TIMES
MARIPOSA MOVES ON
THE HAPPY WARRIOR
NATIONAL DEBT, NATIONAL BLESSING
THE SULTAN SPEAKS FROM THE GRAVE
HAVE YOU GOT EVEN ONE CENT?
THE RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION OF ANGUS MCCORDELL
THE CHAIRMAN’S WALKING STICK
GOING! GOING! GONE!
A NEW HEAVEN AND A NEW EARTH
ARE WITTY WOMEN ATTRACTIVE TO MEN?
LIVING WITH MURDER
WHAT CAN IZAAK WALTON TEACH US?
A LECTURE ON WALKING
GOOD-BYE, MOTOR CAR!
COMMON SENSE AND THE UNIVERSE
AN APOLOGY FOR THE BRITISH EMPIRE
BRITAIN AND CANADA
OLD PHASES AND NEW
GENERALS I HAVE TRAINED
THIS BUSINESS OF PROPHECY
REBUILDING THE CITIES
CASTING OUT ANIMOSITY
WOMAN’S LEVEL
THE SCHOOL IS THE LEVER
TO EVERY CHILD
GOLD
CAN WE BEAT INFLATION?
UNCLE SAM, GOOD NEIGHBOUR
AN ALLEGORY
ALL RIGHT, MR. ROOSEVELT
CANADA AND THE UNITED STATES
ALICE WALKS IN WONDERLAND
GILBERT’S “BAB” BALLADS
SCENERY
CHARACTERS
Q. A PSYCHIC PSTORY OF THE PSUPER NATURAL
List of Short Stories in Alphabetical Order
Please note: to retain the original structure of story collections, some tales appear more than once in the list.
A BUTLER OF THE OLD SCHOOL
A CHRISTMAS EXAMINATION
A CHRISTMAS LETTER
A CLEAR VIEW OF THE GOVERNMENT AND POLITICS OF ENGLAND
A DIP INTO PSYCHOLOGY
A DISCOURSE ON THE MAGIC OF EATING OUT OF DOORS
A GREAT LIFE IN OUR MIDST JOE BROWN, CHAMPION PIE EATER
A GUIDE TO THE PROVINCE OF QUEBEC. FOR THE USE OF AMERICAN TOURISTS
A GUIDE TO THE UNDERWORLD A LITTLE UNSOCIAL REGISTER FOR THE USE OF READERS OF UP-TO-DATE FICTION
A HERO IN HOMESPUN: OR, THE LIFE STRUGGLE OF HEZEKIAH HAYLOFT
A HUMBLE LOVER
A LECTURE ON WALKING
A LESSON IN FICTION
A LESSON ON THE LINKS THE APPLICATION OF MATHEMATICS TO GOLF
A LITTLE DINNER WITH MR. LUCULLUS FYSHE
A MANUAL OF EDUCATION
A MEDIÆVAL HOLE IN ONE. WET GOLF IN DRY HISTORY
A MIDSUMMER DETECTIVE MYSTERY
A MODEL DIALOGUE
A MORNING OFF
A NEW HEAVEN AND A NEW EARTH
A NEW PATHOLOGY
A REHABILITATION OF CHARLES II
A SERMON ON COLLEGE HUMOUR
A STUDY IN STILL LIFE — MY TAILOR
A STUDY IN STILL LIFE. — THE COUNTRY HOTEL
A SUBSCRIPTION WITH REFLECTIONS
A YEAR AT COLLEGE AS REVEALED IN THE NEWER COMIC JOURNALISM
A, B, AND C
A, B, AND C. AFTER TWENTY YEARS
ABDUL AZIZ HAS HIS: AN ADVENTURE IN THE YILDIZ KIOSK
ABOLISHING THE HEROINE. (A PLEA THAT FEWER HEROINES AND MORE CRIMES WOULD ADD SPRIGHTLINESS TO OUR FICTION)
AFTERNOON ADVENTURES AT MY CLUB
AFTERNOON TEA WITH THE SULTAN
ALICE WALKS IN WONDERLAND
ALL IS NOT LOST!
ALL RIGHT, MR. ROOSEVELT
ALL UP!
ALLEGORY ISLAND
AMERICAN HUMOUR
AMONG THE ANTIQUES - AN ADVENTURE OF AFTERNOON TEA
AN ALLEGORY
AN APOLOGY FOR THE BRITISH EMPIRE
AN EDUCATIONAL APPENDIX
AN EVERY-DAY EXPERIENCE
AN EXPERIMENT WITH POLICEMAN HOGAN
ANGEL POND, LURE OF THE NORTH
ARE PROFESSORS ABSENT-MINDED?
ARE THE RICH HAPPY?
ARE WITTY WOMEN ATTRACTIVE TO MEN?
ARISTOCRATIC ANECDOTES OR LITTLE STORIES OF GREAT PEOPLE
ARISTOCRATIC EDUCATION
AS HISTORY GROWS DIM
ASTRONOMICAL ALARMS
AT THE CANADIAN NATIONAL EXHIBITION
ATHLETICS FOR 1950
ATMOSPHERE
BACK FROM THE LAND
BACK TO THE BUSH
BASS FISHING ON LAKE SIMCOE WITH JAKE GAUDAUR
BED-TIME STORIES FOR GROWN-UP PEOPLE WITH APOLOGIES TO OUR BEST CHILDREN’S WRITERS
BEHIND THE BEYOND
BOARDING-HOUSE GEOMETRY
BOOM TIMES
BORROWING A MATCH
BREAKFAST AT THE SMITHS’. A LITTLE STUDY IN THE BEAUTY OF CHEERFULNESS
BRITAIN AND CANADA
BROKEN BARRIERS. OR, RED LOVE ON A BLUE ISLAND
BROTHERLY LOVE AMONG THE NATIONS
BUGGAM GRANGE. A GOOD OLD GHOST STORY
BUGGAM GRANGE: A GOOD OLD GHOST STORY
BUSINESS IN ENGLAND. WANTED — MORE PROFITEERS
CAN WE BEAT INFLATION?
CANADA AND THE UNITED STATES
CAROLINE’S CHRISTMAS: OR, THE INEXPLICABLE INFANT
CAROLINE’S CHRISTMAS: OR, THE INEXPLICABLE INFANT
CAST UP BY THE SEA. A SEA COAST MELODRAMA (AS THROWN UP FOR 30 CENTS) — PERIOD, 1880
CAST UP BY THE SEA. A SEA COAST MELODRAMA (AS THROWN UP FOR 30 CENTS) — PERIOD, 1880
CASTING OUT ANIMOSITY
CHILDREN’S POETRY REVISED
CHILDREN’S POETRY REVISED HOW THE DEAR OLD POEMS OF OUR CHILDHOOD NEED TO BE BROUGHT UP TO DATE
CLOUDS THAT ROLLED BY: MR. ALLDONE’S AWFUL DAY
COLLEGE AS COMIC STUFF
COME AND SEE OUR TOWN. HOW THE VISITOR FEELS WHEN SHOWN AROUND
COME BACK TO SCHOOL AND LET US SEE WHAT THE DEAR OLD DAYS FELT LIKE
COME OUT INTO THE GARDEN
COMMON SENSE AND THE UNIVERSE
CONFESSIONS OF A SODA FIEND. WRITTEN FROM A CONDEMNED CELL
CONFESSIONS OF A SUPER-EXTRA-CRIMINAL
CONVERSATIONS I CAN DO WITHOUT
COOKING FOR VICTORY
CORRESPONDENCE MANUAL NUMBER ONE
COULDN’T SLEEP A WINK
DAMON AND PYTHIAS, BARRISTERS, SOLICITORS, ETC.
DEAD CERTAINTY
DEAD MEN’S GOLD. A FILM OF THE GREAT NEVADA DESERT IN WHICH RED-BLOODED, ABLE-BODIED MEN AND WOMEN A HUNDRED PER CENT AMERICAN LIVE AND LOVE AMONG THE CACTUS AND CHAPARRAL. SOMETHING OF THE OZONE OF THE COW PASTURE MINGLED WITH THE GLOOM OF THE GREAT CANYONS BLOWS ALL THROUGH THIS PLAY.
DONE INTO MOVIES BUT CAN YOU RECOGNIZE THE GOOD OLD STORIES WHEN THEY GET THEM DONE?
EASY WAYS TO SUCCESS A LETTER TO A PARLOR BOLSHEVIK JUST OUT OF COLLEGE
ECHOES OF THE WAR
EDDIE THE BARTENDER
EDUCATION MADE AGREEABLE OR THE DIVERSIONS OF A PROFESSOR
ELECTRIC SERVICE
ENGLISH AS SHE IS TAUGHT AT COLLEGE
EPILOGUE
EVERY MAN AND HIS FRIENDS. MR. CRUNCH’S PORTRAIT GALLERY (AS EDITED FROM HIS PRIVATE THOUGHTS)
EXTINCT MONSTERS ALL THAT WILL BE LEFT OF OUR HOUSEHOLD PETS IN 1,000 YEARS
