Delphi Complete Works of Stephen Leacock, page 41
It is almost night now. You can still see the trees and the fences and the farmsteads, but they are fading fast in the twilight. They have lengthened out the train by this time with a string of flat cars and freight cars between where we are sitting and the engine. But at every crossway we can hear the long muffled roar of the whistle, dying to a melancholy wail that echoes into the woods; the woods, I say, for the farms are thinning out and the track plunges here and there into great stretches of bush, — tall tamerack and red scrub willow and with a tangled undergrowth of bush that has defied for two generations all attempts to clear it into the form of fields.
Why, look, that great space that seems to open out in the half-dark of the falling evening, — why, surely yes, — Lake Ossawippi, the big lake, as they used to call it, from which the river runs down to the smaller lake, — Lake Wissanotti, — where the town of Mariposa has lain waiting for you there for thirty years.
This is Lake Ossawippi surely enough. You would know it anywhere by the broad, still, black water with hardly a ripple, and with the grip of the coming frost already on it. Such a great sheet of blackness it looks as the train thunders along the side, swinging the curve of the embankment at a breakneck speed as it rounds the corner of the lake.
How fast the train goes this autumn night! You have travelled, I know you have; in the Empire State Express, and the New Limited and the Maritime Express that holds the record of six hundred whirling miles from Paris to Marseilles. But what are they to this, this mad career, this breakneck speed, this thundering roar of the Mariposa local driving hard to its home! Don’t tell me that the speed is only twenty-five miles an hour. I don’t care what it is. I tell you, and you can prove it for yourself if you will, that that train of mingled flat cars and coaches that goes tearing into the night, its engine whistle shrieking out its warning into the silent woods and echoing over the dull still lake, is the fastest train in the whole world.
Yes, and the best too, — the most comfortable, the most reliable, the most luxurious and the speediest train that ever turned a wheel.
And the most genial, the most sociable too. See how the passengers all turn and talk to one another now as they get nearer and nearer to the little town. That dull reserve that seemed to hold the passengers in the electric suburban has clean vanished and gone. They are talking, — listen, — of the harvest, and the late election, and of how the local member is mentioned for the cabinet and all the old familiar topics of the sort. Already the conductor has changed his glazed hat for an ordinary round Christie and you can hear the passengers calling him and the brakesman “Bill” and “Sam” as if they were all one family.
What is it now — nine thirty? Ah, then we must be nearing the town, — this big bush that we are passing through, you remember it surely as the great swamp just this side of the bridge over the Ossawippi? There is the bridge itself, and the long roar of the train as it rushes sounding over the trestle work that rises above the marsh. Hear the clatter as we pass the semaphores and switch lights! We must be close in now!
What? it feels nervous and strange to be coming here again after all these years? It must indeed. No, don’t bother to look at the reflection of your face in the window-pane shadowed by the night outside. Nobody could tell you now after all these years. Your face has changed in these long years of money-getting in the city. Perhaps if you had come back now and again, just at odd times, it wouldn’t have been so.
There, — you hear it? — the long whistle of the locomotive, one, two, three! You feel the sharp slackening of the train as it swings round the curve of the last embankment that brings it to the Mariposa station. See, too, as we round the curve, the row of the flashing lights, the bright windows of the depot.
How vivid and plain it all is. Just as it used to be thirty years ago. There is the string of the hotel ‘buses, drawn up all ready for the train, and as the train rounds in and stops hissing and panting at the platform, you can hear above all other sounds the cry of the brakesmen and the porters:
“MARIPOSA! MARIPOSA!”
And as we listen, the cry grows fainter and fainter in our ears and we are sitting here again in the leather chairs of the Mausoleum Club, talking of the little Town in the Sunshine that once we knew.
Behind the Beyond
CONTENTS
BEHIND THE BEYOND
Act I. — Behind the Beyond
Act II. — Six Months Later
Act III. Three Months Later
FAMILIAR INCIDENTS
I. — With the Photographer
II. — The Dentist and the Gas
III. — My Lost Opportunities
IV. — My Unknown Friend
V. — Under the Barber’s Knife
PARISIAN PASTIMES
I. — The Advantages of a Polite Education
II. — The Joys of Philanthropy
III. — The Simple Life in Paris
IV. — A Visit to Versailles
V. — Paris at Night
THE RETROACTIVE EXISTENCE OF MR. JUGGINS
MAKING A MAGAZINE (The Dream of a Contributor)
HOMER AND HUMBUG
BEHIND THE BEYOND
A Modern Problem Play
Act I. — Behind the Beyond
THE CURTAIN RISES, disclosing the ushers of the theater still moving up and down the aisles. Cries of “Program!” “Program!” are heard. There is a buzz of brilliant conversation, illuminated with flashes of opera glasses and the rattle of expensive jewelry.
Then suddenly, almost unexpectedly, in fact just as if done, so to speak, by machinery, the lights all over the theater, except on the stage, are extinguished. Absolute silence falls. Here and there is heard the crackle of a shirt front. But there is no other sound.
In this expectant hush, a man in a check tweed suit walks on the stage: only one man, one single man. Because if he had been accompanied by a chorus, that would have been a burlesque; if four citizens in togas had been with him, that would have been Shakespeare; if two Russian soldiers had walked after him, that would have been melodrama. But this is none of these. This is a problem play. So he steps in alone, all alone, and with that absolute finish of step, that ability to walk as if, — how can one express it? — as if he were walking, that betrays the finished actor.
He has, in fact, barely had time to lay down his silk hat, when he is completely betrayed. You can see that he is a finished actor — finished about fifteen years ago. He lays the hat, hollow side up, on the silk hat table on the stage right center — bearing north, northeast, half a point west from the red mica fire on the stage which warms the theater.
All this is done very, very quietly, very impressively. No one in the theater has ever seen a man lay a silk hat on a table before, and so there is a breathless hush. Then he takes off his gloves, one by one, not two or three at a time, and lays them in his hat. The expectancy is almost painful. If he had thrown his gloves into the mica fire it would have been a relief. But he doesn’t.
The Curtain rises.
[Illus]
The man on the stage picks up a pile of letters from the letter department of the hat table. There are a great many of these letters, because all his business correspondence, as well as his private letters, are sent here by the General Post Office. Getting his letters in this way at night, he is able to read them like lightning. Some of them he merely holds upside down for a fraction of a second.
Then at last he speaks. It has become absolutely necessary or he wouldn’t do it. “So — Sao Paolo risen two — hum — Rio Tinto down again — Moreby anxious, ‘better sell for half a million sterling’ — hum . . .”
(Did you hear that? Half a million sterling and he takes it just as quietly as that. And it isn’t really in the play either. Sao Paolo and Rio Tinto just come in to let you know the sort of man you’re dealing with.)
“Lady Gathorne — dinner — Thursday the ninth — lunch with the Ambassador — Friday the tenth.”
(And mind you even this is just patter. The Ambassador doesn’t come into the play either. He and Lady Gathorne are just put in to let the people in the cheaper seats know the kind of thing they’re up against.)
Then the man steps across the stage and presses a button. A bell rings. Even before it has finished ringing, nay, just before it begins to ring, a cardboard door swings aside and a valet enters. You can tell he is a valet because he is dressed in the usual home dress of a stage valet.
He says, “Did you ring, Sir John?”
There is a rustle of programs all over the house. You can hear a buzz of voices say, “He’s Sir John Trevor.” They’re all on to him.
When the valet says, “Did you ring, Sir John,” he ought to answer, “No, I merely knocked the bell over to see how it would sound,” but he misses it and doesn’t say it.
“Has her ladyship come home?”
“Yes, Sir John.”
“Has any one been here?”
“Mr. Harding, Sir John.”
“Any one else?”
“No, Sir John.”
“Very good.”
The valet bows and goes out of the cardboard door, and everybody in the theater, or at least everybody in the seats worth over a dollar, knows that there’s something strange in the relations of Lady Cicely Trevor and Mr. Harding. You notice — Mr. Harding was there and no one else was there. That’s enough in a problem play.
The double door at the back of the stage, used only by the principal characters, is opened and Lady Cicely Trevor enters. She is young and very beautiful, and wears a droopy hat and long slinky clothes which she drags across the stage. She throws down her feather hat and her crêpe de what-you-call-it boa on the boa stand. Later on the valet comes in and gathers them up. He is always gathering up things like this on the stage — hats and boas and walking sticks thrown away by the actors, — but nobody notices him. They are his perquisites.
Sir John says to Lady Cicely, “Shall I ring for tea?”
And Lady Cicely says, “Thanks. No,” in a weary tone.
This shows that they are the kind of people who can have tea at any time. All through a problem play it is understood that any of the characters may ring for tea and get it. Tea in a problem play is the same as whisky in a melodrama.
Then there ensues a dialogue to this effect: Sir John asks Lady Cicely if she has been out. He might almost have guessed it from her coming in in a hat and cloak, but Sir John is an English baronet.
Lady Cicely says, “Yes, the usual round,” and distributes a few details about Duchesses and Princesses, for the general good of the audience.
Then Lady Cicely says to Sir John, “You are going out?”
“Yes, immediately.”
“To the House, I suppose.”
This is very impressive. It doesn’t mean, as you might think, the Workhouse, or the White House, or the Station House, or the Bon Marché. It is the name given by people of Lady Cicely’s class to the House of Commons.
“Yes. I am extremely sorry. I had hoped I might ask to go with you to the opera. I fear it is impossible — an important sitting — the Ministers will bring down the papers — the Kafoonistan business. The House will probably divide in committee. Gatherson will ask a question. We must stop it at all costs. The fate of the party hangs on it.”
Sir John has risen. His manner has changed. His look is altered. You can see him alter it. It is now that of a statesman. The technical details given above have gone to his head. He can’t stop.
He goes on: “They will force a closure on the second reading, go into committee, come out of it again, redivide, subdivide and force us to bring down the estimates.”
While Sir John speaks, Lady Cicely’s manner has been that of utter weariness. She has picked up the London Times and thrown it aside; taken up a copy of Punch and let it fall with a thud to the floor, looked idly at a piece of music and decided, evidently, not to sing it. Sir John runs out of technical terms and stops.
The dialogue has clearly brought out the following points: Sir John is in the House of Commons. Lady Cicely is not. Sir John is twenty-five years older than Lady Cicely. He doesn’t see — isn’t he a fool, when everybody in the gallery can see it? — that his parliamentary work is meaningless to her, that her life is insufficient. That’s it. Lady Cicely is being “starved.” All that she has is money, position, clothes, and jewelry. These things starve any woman. They cramp her. That’s what makes problem plays.
Lady Cicely speaks, very quietly, “Are you taking Mr. Harding with you?”
“Why?”
“Nothing. I thought perhaps I might ask him to take me to the opera. Puffi is to sing.”
“Do, pray do. Take Harding with you by all means. Poor boy, do take him with you.”
Sir John pauses. He looks at Lady Cicely very quietly for a moment. He goes on with a slight change in his voice.
“Do you know, Cicely, I’ve been rather troubled about Harding lately. There’s something the matter with the boy, something wrong.”
“Yes?”
“He seems abstracted, moody — I think, in fact I’m sure that the boy is in love.”
“Yes?”
Lady Cicely has turned slightly pale. The weariness is out of her manner.
“Trust the instinct of an old man, my dear. There’s a woman in it. We old parliamentary hands are very shrewd, you know, even in these things. Some one is playing the devil with Jack — with Harding.”
Sir John is now putting on his gloves again and gathering up his parliamentary papers from the parliamentary paper stand on the left.
He cannot see the change in Lady Cicely’s face. He is not meant to see it. But even the little girls in the tenth row of the gallery are wise.
He goes on. “Talk to Harding. Get it out of him. You women can do these things. Find out what the trouble is and let me know. I must help him.” (A pause. Sir John is speaking almost to himself — and the gallery.) “I promised his mother when she sent him home, sent him to England, that I would.”
Lady Cicely speaks. “You knew Mr. Harding’s mother very well?”
Sir John: “Very well.”
“That was long ago, wasn’t it?”
“Long ago.”
“Was she married then?”
“No, not then.”
“Here in London?”
“Yes, in London. I was only a barrister then with my way to make and she a famous beauty.” (Sir John is speaking with a forced levity that doesn’t deceive even the ushers.) “She married Harding of the Guards. They went to India. And there he spent her fortune — and broke her heart.” Sir John sighs.
“You have seen her since?”
“Never.”
“She has never written you?”
“Only once. She sent her boy home and wrote to me for help. That was how I took him as my secretary.”
“And that was why he came to us in Italy two years ago, just after our marriage.”
“Yes, that was why.”
“Does Mr. Harding know?”
“Know what?”
“That you — knew his mother?”
Sir John shakes his head. “I have never talked with him about his mother’s early life.”
The stage clock on the mantelpiece begins to strike. Sir John lets it strike up to four or five, and then says, “There, eight o’clock. I must go. I shall be late at the House. Good-by.”
He moves over to Lady Cicely and kisses her. There is softness in his manner — such softness that he forgets the bundle of parliamentary papers that he had laid down. Everybody can see that he has forgotten them. They were right there under his very eye.
Sir John goes out.
Lady Cicely stands looking fixedly at the fire. She speaks out loud to herself. “How his voice changed — twenty-five years ago — so long as that — I wonder if Jack knows.”
There is heard the ring of a bell off the stage. The valet enters.
“Mr. Harding is downstairs, my lady.”
“Show him up, Ransome.”
A moment later Mr. Harding enters. He is a narrow young man in a frock coat. His face is weak. It has to be. Mr. Harding is meant to typify weakness. Lady Cicely walks straight to him. She puts her two hands on his shoulders and looks right into his face.
“MY DARLING,” she says. Just like that. In capital letters. You can feel the thrill of it run through the orchestra chairs. All the audience look at Mr. Harding, some with opera glasses, others with eyeglasses on sticks. They can see that he is just the sort of ineffectual young man that a starved woman in a problem play goes mad over.
Lady Cicely repeats “My darling” several times. Mr. Harding says “Hush,” and tries to disengage himself. She won’t let him. He offers to ring for tea. She won’t have any. “Oh, Jack,” she says. “I can’t go on any longer. I can’t. When first you loved me, I thought I could. But I can’t. It throttles me here — this house, this life, everything — —” She has drawn him to a sofa and has sunk down in a wave at his feet. “Do you remember, Jack, when first you came, in Italy, that night, at Amalfi, when we sat on the piazza of the palazzo?” She is looking rapturously into his face.
Mr. Harding says that he does.
“And that day at Fiesole among the orange trees, and Pisa and the Capello de Terisa and the Mona Lisa — Oh, Jack, take me away from all this, take me to the Riviera, among the contadini, where we can stand together with my head on your shoulder just as we did in the Duomo at Milano, or on the piaggia at Verona. Take me to Corfu, to the Campo Santo, to Civita Vecchia, to Para Noia — anywhere — —”
Mr. Harding, smothered with her kisses, says, “My dearest, I will, I will.” Any man in the audience would do as much. They’d take her to Honolulu.
While she is speaking, Sir John’s voice had been heard off the stage. “No, thank you, Ransome, I’ll get them myself, I know just where I left them.” Sir John enters hurriedly, advances and picks up his papers on the table — turns — and stands ——
