Delphi Complete Works of Stephen Leacock, page 207
Rome, Wednesday 10: It is all right. It transpires that the shirt was not black, it was merely very dirty.
Austria in Chaos
Vienna, Thursday 11: Mr. Edward Edelstein, vice-president of the Canned Soup Company of Paterson, New Jersey who is making a ten day tour in central Europe to study business conditions, describes the situation of Austria as one of utter chaos. Trade is absolutely stagnant. Business is almost extinct while the currency is in entire confusion. In Vienna unemployment is everywhere, even the rich are eating in soup kitchens; the theatres are closed and social life is paralyzed.
Complete Revival of Austria
Vienna, Friday 12: Mr. John Smithers of Smitherstown, who is taking a five days vacation in Europe reports that the economic situation of Austria has been reestablished on a sound basis. The restoration of the currency this morning by the establishment of a new and easier mark, is working wonders. The factories are running on full time, the shops are crowded with visitors, the hotels are bursting with guests and the theatres are offering Shakespeare, Grand Opera, and Uncle Tom’s Cabin.
Vienna, Saturday 5: Austria has collapsed again.
Dear Old Russia
Petrograd (otherwise Leningrad or Trotskiville), Monday 15: Reports from the Caucasus say that Red forces made a drive at the Caucasians yesterday. The latter just got out of the road in time.
Tuesday 16: Word has been received that the Reds made a fierce drive at Semipalatinsk. They only got half of it.
Wednesday 17: Wireless despatches say that the Reds are preparing for a drive against the Persians. Most of the Persians have already climbed up Mount Ararat.
Thursday 18: It is reported that the Council of Workmen’s Soviets of Moscow have passed a resolution declaring that universal peace has come.
International Goodwill
Tokyo, Friday 19: Viscount Itch is reported in the Japanese Daily Hootch as saying that the time has come when Japan can not tolerate the existence of the United States on the other side of the Pacific. It will have to be moved. Wild excitement prevailed after the delivery of the speech. Enormous crowds paraded the streets of Tokyo, shouting “Down with America!” An American missionary was chased into a Chinese restaurant.
Tokyo, Saturday 20: Viscount Itch has issued a statement to the effect that Japan and the United States are sisters. Wild enthusiasm prevails. Great crowds are parading the streets, shouting “Attaboi Coolidji!” The missionary has come down again.
Yokohama, Monday 22: The business section of Yokohama was destroyed yesterday by an earthquake.
Yokohama, Tuesday 23: The business section of Yokohama has been propped up again and nailed into position.
From the Far Away South Seas
London, Wednesday 24: Cable advices received via Fiji and Melbourne report the Marquesas Islanders in a plebiscite have voted for prohibition, direct legislation, proportional representation and the abolition of cannibalism. Some more votes will be taken next week.
Back from Europe
The Reaction of Travel on the Human Mind
There comes a time every year when all the hundreds of thousands of people who have been over to Europe on a summer tour get back again. It is very generally supposed that a tour of this kind ought to have a broadening effect on the mind, and this idea is vigorously propagated by the hotel companies at Schlitz, Bitz, Biarritz, and picturesque places of that sort.
It is not for me to combat this idea. But I do know that in certain cases at least a trip to Europe sets up a distinct disturbance of the intellect. Some of these afflictions are so well defined that they could almost be definitely classified as diseases. I will quote only a few among the many examples that might be given.
I
Aristocropsis, or Weakening of the Brain from Contact with the British Aristocracy
There seems to be no doubt that a sudden contact with the titled classes disturbs the nerve cells or ganglions of the traveler from America, and brings on a temporary enfeeblement of mind. It is generally harmless, especially as it is usually accompanied by an extreme optimism and an exaggerated sense of importance.
Specimen Case. Winter conversation of Mr. John W. Axman, retired hardware millionaire of Fargo, Dakota, in regard to his visit to England.
“I don’t know whether I told you that I saw a good deal of the Duke of Dumpshire while I was in England. In fact, I went to see him at his seat — all these dukes have seats, you know. You can say what you like about the British aristocrats, but when you meet one like the Duke of Dumpshire, they are all right. Why, he was just as simple as you or me, or simpler. When he met me, he said, ‘How are you?’ Just like that.
“And then he said, ‘You must be hungry. Come along and let’s see if we can find some cold beef.’ Just as easy as that. And then he said to a butler or someone, ‘Go and see if you can find some cold beef.’ And presently the butler came back and said, ‘There’s some cold beef on the table, Sir,’ and the Duke said, ‘All right, let’s go and eat it.’ And he went and sat right down in front of the beef and ate it. Just as you or I would.
“All the time we were eating it, the Duke was talking and laughing. He’s got a great sense of humor, the Duke has. After he’d finished the beef, he said, ‘Well, that was a darn good piece of beef!’ and of course we both roared. The Duke’s keen on politics, too — right up to date about everything. ‘Let’s see,’ he said, ‘who’s your President now?’ In fact, he’s just as keen as mustard, and looks far ahead too. ‘France,’ he said to me, ’is in for a hell of a time.’”
II
Nuttolingualism, or Loss of One’s Own Language after Three Weeks across the Sea
Specimen No. 1. Verbatim statement of Mr. Phin Gulch, college student from Umskegee College, Oklahoma, made immediately on his return from a three weeks athletic tour in England with Oklahoma Olympic Aggregation. “England certainly is a ripping place. The chaps we met were simply topping. Of course here and there we met a bounder, but on the whole one was treated absolutely top hole.”
Specimen No. 2. Information in regard to French restaurants supplied by Miss Phoebe McGinn, winner of the Beauty Contest Ticket to Europe and Back from Boom City, Montana. “The Paris restaurants are just charming and ever so cheap if you know where to go. There was one we used to go to in a little rue close to the gare where we got our dejeuner with croissants and cafe au lait for soixante-quinze centimes.
“Of course we used to give the garcon another quinze centimes as a pourboire. And after dejeuner we’d sit there half the matinee and read the journaux and watch the people go past in the rue. Always, when we left, the garcon would say, ‘Au revoir.’ Regular French, you know.”
III
Megalogastria, or Desire to Talk about Food
Specimen Case. Mr. Hefty Undercut, of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, retired hotel man, talks on European culture.
“I don’t mind admitting that the English seem to me away ahead of us. They’re further on. They know how to do things better. Now you take beefsteak. They cut it half as thick again as we do, and put it right on a grid over hot coals. They keep the juice in it. Or take a mutton chop. The way they cook them over there, you can eat two pounds to one that you eat here. You see they’re an older people than we are.
“Or take sausages — when I travel I like to observe everything; it makes you broader; — and I’ve noticed their sausages are softer than ours, more flavoring to them. Or take one of those big deep meat pies — why, they eat those big pies at midnight. You can do it there. The climate’s right for it.
“And, as I say, when I travel I go around noticing everything and sizing everything up — the meat, the lobsters, the kind of soup they have, everything. You see, over there there’s very little sunlight and the air is heavy and you eat six times a day. It’s a great place.”
IV
Introspexosis, or Seeing in Other People What is Really in Yourself
It appears that many people when they travel really see nothing at all except the reflection of their own ideas. They think that what they are interested in is uppermost everywhere. They might just as well stay at home and use a looking glass. Take in witness:
The evidence of Mr. Soggie Spinnage, Secretary of the Vegetarian Society of North, Central, and South America, as given after his return from a propaganda tour in England:
“Oh, there’s no doubt the vegetarian movement is spreading in England. We saw it everywhere. At Plymouth a man came right up to me and he said, ‘Oh, my dear Brother, I wish we had a thousand men here like you. Go back,’ he said, ‘go back and bring over a thousand others.’ And wherever I spoke I met with such enthusiasm.
“I spoke, I remember, in Tooting-on-the-Hump — it’s within half an hour of London itself. And when I looked into their dear faces and told them about the celery in Kalamazoo, Michigan, and about the big cabbages in the South Chicago mud flats, they just came flocking about me! ‘Go back,’ they said, ‘go back and send those over.’
“I heard a man in a restaurant one day say to the waiter, ‘Just fetch me a boiled cabbage. I want nothing else.’ I went right up to him, and I took his hand and I said, ‘Oh, my dear friend, I have come all the way from America just to hear that.’ And he said, ‘Go back, he said, ‘go back and tell them that you’ve heard it.’
“Why, when you go to England you just see vegetables, vegetables, everywhere. I hardly seemed to see anything else. They say even the King eats vegetables now. And they say the Bishop of London only eats beans. I heard someone say that the Bishop seemed full of beans all the time.
“Really I felt that the cause was just gaining and growing all the time. When I came to leave, a little group of friends come down to the steamer to say good-bye. ‘Go back,’ they said, ‘go back and send someone else.’
“That seemed to be the feeling everywhere.”
Studies in the Newer Culture
A LITTLE STUDY IN CULTURE FROM BELOW UP
About fifteen years ago somebody invented the word Attaboy. At first it was used only by the urchins on the baseball bleachers. Presently it was used by the college students. After that it was taken up by business men, lawyers, judges and congressmen and it spread all over the world.
It was said that when King George of England welcomed home General Allenby after his conquest of Palestine, he put his hands on Allenby’s shoulders and said with deep feeling, “Attaboy!”
The General, profoundly touched, was heard to murmur in return, “Some King, what!”
This story may or may not be true. It is possible that King George used merely some such dignified English phrase as “Not half bad at all!” But the story at any rate illustrates the tremendous change that has been creeping over our language.
I am not here referring to the use of slang. That of course is as old as language itself. The man who uses a slang word and, let us say, calls a man’s hat his “lid” or calls a woman a “skirt,” is unconscious of using a metaphor and of trying to be funny or peculiar. But the man who uses attaboy language in speech or writing is really trying to say something; he really thinks he is using English. It is not merely the words that he uses but the way in which he uses them.
Let me give you an instance — that is much quicker business than trying to explain the whole thing in a methodical fashion.
Attaboy Letter of Invitation
Here, for example — to illustrate the old style of writing and speaking — is a letter which I received almost thirty years ago inviting me to attend a gathering of my college class. In point of dignity and good form the letter speaks for itself.
TORONTO, Feb. 1st, 1896.
DEAR SIR:
I beg to inform you that a reunion of the graduating class of 1891 will be held on the 5th of February in the form of a dinner at the Queen’s Hotel. The guest of honor on the occasion will be Professor Baxter, who has kindly consented to deliver an address to the class. It is confidently expected that all the members of the class will take this opportunity to renew old friendships. The price of the dinner, including wines, will be seventy-five cents. May I ask you to send a reply at your earliest convenience.
With sincere personal regards,
I have the honor to be
And to remain being,
Yours very faithfully,
JOHN SMITH.
Now it happened that just the other day I received a letter from the same old classmate inviting me to attend a similar gathering of the class — thirty years later. But here is how he has expressed the invitation —
Mr. He-Man from College!
This is You!
Say! what do you think? The real old He-Boys of 1891 are going to gather in for a feed at the Queen’s on February 5th. Songs! Speeches! Fireworks! And who do you think is going to be the main Big Talk! You’d never guess — why old Prof Baxter — old nutsey Baxter! Come and hear him. Come along right now! The whole feed — songs, fun and smokes included — is only six bucks. So get down in your pants and fork them out.
Yours, Attaboy! Hooroo!
Rev. John Smith,
(Canon of the Cathedral)
An Attaboy Dictionary
Let it be noted that the great point of the Attaboy system is the terrific desire for emphasis. A man is not called a man. He is called a he-man. Even that is not enough. He has to be 100 per cent he-man. And in extreme cases he must be called a “100 per cent, full blooded, bull-chested, big-headed, great-hearted man,” — all of this to replace the simple old-fashioned word gentleman.
Indeed, one could write quite a little dictionary of Attaboy terms like this —
Gentleman — (See above.)
Lady — a big-hearted, wide-eyed, warm-chested woman, a hundred per cent soul, and built square.
Friend — a he-man with a hand-grip and a jaw that means that as soon as you see him in front of you, you know that he is back of you.
Senator — far-sighted, frog-eyed, nation-making he-man.
Criminal — no such word. Try “hold-up man”— “yegg”— “thug”— “expert safe-cracker,” etc., etc., etc.
In the same way when the attaboy language turns from the nouns to the verbs there has to be the same vital emphasis. The fatal step was taken when someone invented the word punch. Since then every form of action has to be described as if it occurred with a direct physical shock. A speaker has got to hit his audience with a punch, he must lift them, throw them, in short fairly kick them out of the room.
A book is said to be arresting, gripping, compelling. It has got to hold the reader down so that he can’t get up. A preacher has got to be vital, dynamic; he must put his sermon over; he must pitch it at the audience; in short, preaching becomes a form of baseball with the clergyman in the box.
In other words the whole of our life and thought has got to be restated in terms of moving things, in terms of electricity, radio and all the crackling physical apparatus of the world in which we live.
Macaulay and Gibbon in Attaboy
It is quite clear that if this attaboy tendency goes on all the books of the past will have to be rewritten or nobody will understand them. Somebody will have to re-edit them so as to put into them the necessary “pep” and “punch” to make them readable by the next generation.
We can imagine how completely unintelligible will be the stately pages of such dignified writers as Macaulay or Gibbon. Here, for example, is a specimen of the way in which Gibbon’s Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire will be revised. I take as an illustration a well-known passage describing the action of a heroic matron of Rome in rallying the wavering citizens after a retreat. It runs:
“A Roman matron of imposing appearance and striking countenance stepped forth before the hesitating citizens—”
Translation:
“A pre-war blonde who was evidently a real peach skipped out in front of the bunch—”
“At the sight of her the citizens paused—”
Translation:
“As soon as they put their lamps on her all the guys stood still—”
“Reluctant cries of admiration arose from the crowd—”
“‘Some doll!’ said the boys.”
“‘Cowards!’ she exclaimed.”
“‘You big stiffs,’ she snorted.”
“‘And would you leave the defense of your homes at such a time as this!’”
“‘Do you mean to say that you are going to fly the coop?’”
“‘To your posts all of you!’ she cried.”
“‘Beat it,’ she honked.”
“Inspired by her courage the citizens with shouts of ‘Long Live Sempronia!’ rushed to the ramparts.”
“Full of pep they all shouted, ‘Attaboy, Lizzie!’ and skipped up the ladders.”
Rome was Saved
Epitaph on an Attaboy
Even the epitaphs on the grave stones will have to be altered. The old style used to run, “Here lies the body of John Smith, who was born on February 1, 1802 and departed this life on December 1, 1861. He was a loving son, a fond parent, a devoted husband and a patriotic citizen. This stone has been erected by his mourning widow to commemorate his many virtues and in the expectation of his resurrection.”
But that kind of thing will have to be replaced by an epitaph with more “punch” in it, something more “gripping,” more compelling. Try this:
“Mr. Passerby! Stop! This is for you — you careless HOG.
“Read it.
“Here lies a cuckoo, John Smith, one of the real boys. He opened his lamps first on February 1, 1802. He stepped off the big plank into the dark stuff on December 1, 1861 — But when the big Horn calls ‘ALL UP,’ oh, say, ATTABOY!”
The Crossword Puzzle Craze
“I beg your pardon,” said a man sitting opposite to me in the smoking end of a Pullman car. “Do you happen to know the name of an Arabian Feudal Ruler in five letters?”
