The Lost God, page 41
Cecilia placed a hand on his chest. “Did you get our message? This is Evan Farlan.”
The huntmaster nodded warily.
“I have a lot to tell you, and you have a lot to tell me—a lot you left out of your stories,” Cecilia said.
A wave of regret passed over his face. “Of course,” he said gruffly, his gaze darting back to her companions. “Rainer!” He pulled Rainer into a hug. “What’s wrong with him?”
“He was hit with poison arrows. I’ve done my best, but he really needs a more experienced healer. Of course, he insisted on coming here first to help,” Cecilia explained. “As if I’m the stubborn one.”
Her father nodded. His eyes passed over her husband. “Xander! My boy, it’s good to see you. I see you succeeded in bringing my daughter back in one piece. She didn’t give you any trouble?”
“None that I wasn’t happy to get into,” Xander said.
Cecilia gave him a dirty look before turning back to her father. “Dad, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?”
“Cecilia, you know I always prefer to get my bad news on the heels of something positive.”
She hesitated. Xander gave her an encouraging smile.
“Good news is that I got married.” She held up her hand, showing off her wedding band and Queen Juliana’s ring.
Leo’s eyes went wide, and he took a step back. “Cecilia!”
“To Xander.”
Xander stepped forward and put a hand on the small of her back.
Her father’s face was inscrutable. She felt the swirl of emotions around him—confusion and anger, tinged with joy. Her father had a temper, but when it came to her, he knew when not to bother with a battle. What was done was done.
He looked at Xander, who shifted nervously beside her. She knew her father loved him as a hunter, but that didn’t mean he thought he was good enough for his daughter. In her father’s mind, Xander was still below her station, but she could tell Xander was desperate for his blessing.
“Xander.” The huntmaster pulled him into a tight hug. Then Leo turned back to Cecilia, taking her hands in his. “You’ve always been one to laugh in the face of tradition, but did you have to run off and get married without me?”
“I can show it to you,” she said.
She closed her eyes, took his hand, and shared the memories, both hers and Xander’s, careful to leave out any hint of their location or images of the enemy queen. When she opened her eyes and looked up at her father, there were tears in his eyes.
“You were so beautiful! Gods, I wish your mother could have been there to see it.” Leo pulled her into a tight squeeze. She leaned her head on his shoulder. He let her go and stepped back, looking back and forth from her to Xander. “So, what’s the bad news?”
She carefully positioned herself between Xander and her father.
“Promise to stay very calm?” She said it softly, like she was approaching a wild animal. His eyes darted over her shoulder to Xander. “You know him as Xander Merleen, but that’s not his real name. His real name is Prince Alexander Savero.”
The huntmaster’s eyes grew wide, and his face turned red as he looked at Xander. “Cecilia Juliet Reznik! You married the Prince of Argaria? Our enemy! Have you lost your mind?”
“You’re the one who trained him under your wing all these years,” she scoffed.
“You! You’ve done this. Some strange magic!” Leo tried to push past Cecilia to get to Xander, but she stood her ground.
“Dad, calm down. I knew who he was when I married him. There was no magic involved. I love him.”
“Sir, I love Cece very much. I apologize for not asking your blessing,” Xander started.
“Don’t speak to me, Savero! I asked you to keep an eye on her, not seduce her!” He turned on his heel, pacing back into the greenhouse. “Cecilia, why would you do this?”
“To prevent Davide Savero from becoming an unbeatable enemy, Dad. To save Olney. Because I was blindsided by finding out that I’m the godsdamned Lost Goddess. I had to make a choice. Actually, I had to make quite a few hard choices to protect you.”
She reconnected with her anger, and it felt good. Her father clenched a fist at his side, but he stayed quiet.
“I fell in love with Xander before I knew who he was. And then I found out who he was, and I still said yes when he proposed, because I love him. You taught me to be assertive, to go after what I want, but then made it clear that I’d be coming home to a choice you made for me. I made a choice for myself instead. No point arguing about it now.”
Her father just stared at her.
“It’s easy to say that I would have decided to do this differently, but I don’t think that’s true.” She reached for Xander’s waiting hand. Holding it made her feel stronger, more like herself. It wasn’t so much that he lent her strength as he reminded her of the strength she already possessed.
“He loves me, and I love him. I know you saw it in the memory. We have a plan, or at least the beginnings of one. He protected me when I couldn’t protect myself. I need you to trust me. I need you to give this a chance, and you might not be inclined to, but I’m asking you to because you owe me.”
Leo looked down at the floor, ashamed.
“Which brings me to my next bit of bad news that we should probably talk about alone.”
Cecilia turned into Xander’s arms.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” Xander asked.
“I’m sure. Will you help Rainer get up to the healer? Take Evan to your old place. I’ll meet you outside when I’m done.”
He searched her face for a moment. When she smiled, he kissed her forehead and turned to help Rainer out of the room.
She faced her father. Leo suddenly looked much older. As much as she was furious with him and wanted to hurt him the way he hurt her, some small part of her felt guilty for wanting to. Finally, he spoke.
“I think a part of me always thought you would marry Rainer. The two of you were so clearly in love with each other. That’s why I turned down all the offers for your hand. Every time someone approached me about it, it just felt wrong.”
The words shocked Cecilia and completely threw her off course. “But that’s forbidden—” She stumbled on the words.
“But it would have made you happy. Once you were the goddess, who would tell you no?” Leo asked.
The revelation scalded her. She thought she was prepared for this, but she’d somehow miscalculated. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted the two of you paying attention on this last trip, not all over each other,” Leo said, shaking his head. “I know he spent every night with you.”
Her eyes went wide. “You do?”
“I’m the huntmaster, for Clastor’s sake! Of course I knew what my own daughter was up to. I let it happen because no one knows how to love and care for you better than Rainer. I saw it as you grew up. I knew he would never do anything you didn’t want him to. I trusted you to make your own decisions. You are so much like Selene and Rosalee in that way. Headstrong and stubborn, and you keep your own counsel.”
Cecilia could hardly breathe. Her father ran a hand through his hair. His weariness was clear in every movement.
“When Rainer looks at you, he sees nothing else. It’s been that way since he met you. That is why I let you be paired with him to begin with. It’s why I let you have an inappropriately close relationship with him your whole life. Even when you were young, the two of you used to sneak off to the cottage and fall asleep telling stories. However necessary it might have been, marrying someone else is a pretty big surprise. I see the way you look at Xander and the way he looks at you. You love each other. But it’s not the same as how Rainer looks at you. I know because it’s the way I looked at your mother.”
The question scared Cecilia, but she asked it anyway. “How does he look at me?”
“He looks at you like you’re the very air he breathes. Like he could never get enough of you. So I’ll ask once because you’re my daughter and I love you. I will get you out of this mess in a second if that’s what you want. Do you want me to have the marriage reversed? There’s a strong case for proving you were under duress. I know it feels like so much choice has been taken from you. Let me give this back.”
He looks at you like you’re the very air he breathes. Like he could never get enough of you.
Cecilia drowned in the words, uncertain what to say. She thought of Rainer’s confession when he was dying. She thought of how it felt to think of living without him.
“You don’t have to decide now—”
“Dad, I made a promise. You taught me to be a woman of my word—to never make promises I can’t keep. There is no going back, I can only move forward. I love Xander. He’s kind and funny, and he drives me crazy, but I love him.”
“And you don’t still love Rainer?”
Cecilia threw her hands up. “Of course I do. I always will. But he only realized his mistake when he thought he’d lost me. He couldn’t see it until I was all but gone. Xander looked right at me, and from the first time he saw me, he couldn’t get enough. He chose me over his family—an impossible choice—but he made it easily. He’s done nothing but honor me and put me first. He lets me be me.”
Her father smiled weakly. “Well then, I suppose I should call you Your Highness now.”
“You better not.” She laughed. “Dad, why didn’t you just tell me I was the goddess? Do you have any idea of the heartbreak you could have saved me?”
“I wanted you to have a chance to be a normal girl for as long as possible. Cecilia, I always loved you like you were my own. You are my daughter just as much as you are his. You were always my daughter first. You still are. I think a part of me didn’t want you to transform.”
“Well, I haven’t,” she breathed. “I haven’t used the power yet, so technically, I’m not the goddess yet.”
“Why not?”
She fought hard against the tears that threatened. A lump formed in her throat and threatened to choke her. For a moment, she couldn’t look at him. “Daddy—”
His eyes went wide at the name she hadn’t called him since she was a child. She tried to grasp onto the rage she’d felt earlier, but it slipped through her fingers like sand. She took a deep breath.
“The exchange for the power. It’s a price I don’t think I can pay. I’m trying not to. If I knew what I was buying with my sacrifice, I wouldn’t have. If I accept my full powers and become the goddess I was meant to be, I will lose my ability to have children.” Her anger evaporated into silent tears.
Her father looked as if she had slapped him. He was speechless.
“Now I am fighting with this thing like I’m in the grips of a relentless addiction. I don’t know how long I can hold it at bay. We’re being pursued by Davide Savero and his army and maybe Endros. I married Xander, but Rainer finally wants to be with me, and I’m just—gods, I’m just so exhausted. I don’t want to save the world. I just want to be a normal girl. How can I save the kingdom? I can barely save myself,” she sobbed.
Leo hugged her, and as she cried in his arms, she felt like she was back to being just the huntmaster’s daughter, as if she’d come full circle.
They held each other for a long time as they both tried to fathom the gravity of a loss she hadn’t yet suffered. Together, they’d weathered the loss of her mother. Nothing prepared them for that, the same way nothing prepared them for this loss. A lifetime of exchanges had done nothing to prepare the Rezniks for the sacrifice it took to accept that type of power.
38
Even with her eyes closed in focused meditation, Cecilia felt the moment Xander shot up in bed looking for her.
They’d rushed into her cottage the night before, eagerly bathing and then falling into bed together. Cecilia expected to sleep heavily thanks to finally being back in her bed, but she tossed and turned, chased from sleep each time she found it by nightmares of Rainer being struck with arrows and falling from his horse.
She understood Xander’s panic. It was barely dawn, and she was awake and out of bed. She tried to ignore the feeling of his heavy gaze on her and focus on the words she silently repeated to keep her grounded and contented to her body: Sky above. Earth below. Me right here.
But as the sun rose, casting the lilac light behind her eyelids orange, she gave up.
“I know you’re awake and staring at me,” she said, blinking her eyes open.
Xander frowned. “I think the real question is, what is my wife, who hates to get up early, doing up at dawn?”
“I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.”
It surprised her how smoothly she lied. Still, Xander read it on her face. He always saw her so clearly, even when she was trying to hide. She loved him for it.
“Were you praying?” he asked.
“I suppose it’s a bit of a prayer. More to myself than the gods, though.”
“Love, I’ve been trying to give you the space to work whatever this is out on your own, but I’m worried.”
She sighed. “I know. I can feel that too.”
“Do you want to tell me?”
“No.”
“Will you please tell me? Whatever worries you have, let them be my worries too.”
“I don’t want them to be your worries.” She sighed.
All day and night, the goddess power clawed at Cecilia, scraping her with its talons, begging her to claim it and solidify the exchange she’d agreed to. The more it went on, the more she felt hopeless. Her resistance felt futile, but how could she admit that to Xander?
Frustration painted his face. “Well, it’s not up to you. We agreed to be a team on all things. Talk to me, Cece. Tell me what’s bothering you so much. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how you barely eat. I see how you wake up in cold sweats from nightmares. I’ve seen the edginess since you shared memories with me back on our journey. What’s going on?”
Her frustration evaporated, and her shoulders relaxed. She crossed back over to the bed, and he wrapped his arms around her, kissing her softly.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me. I hate to see you go through it alone,” he whispered.
She hesitated still. “The goddess power is close. I don’t know how to explain it or when exactly it started. I don’t know if it happened because I started summoning again, but I know it got really intense around then. Each time I summon, it’s like the wall between me and my power crumbles a bit. I can feel it all the time, just out of reach. Like even though my summoning is different, it’s magic, and it wants to reach out to other magic. It’s always there, waiting. I cannot seem to shake it no matter what I do. The only time it ever goes away is when I’m here with you.”
“Well, I guess you have to just stay in my arms forever,” Xander said.
“I wish that I could.” She smiled. “I’m afraid that I can’t hold it off. I’m doing my best, but it is relentless. I feel it in my bones, under my skin, like a humming. It calls to me like a siren song that I am afraid I’m not strong enough to resist.”
“So you pray?” he asked.
“I repeat a phrase to myself over and over until it stops, or at least recedes. It reminds me I’m here, and I’m human. Xander, I’m really afraid of it. I don’t know what it is, and it feels dark —” Her voice broke, and tears rolled down her cheeks.
“Not possible. There is no part of you that isn’t brilliant and shining.”
She blew out a breath. “Be serious.”
“I am serious. Look, I’m no stranger to the dark. I’m not afraid of it, and I’m definitely not afraid of any part of you. I love you, whether you are at your best or your worst, no matter what happens.”
“But what if I give in? What if I become the goddess?”
Xander looked baffled by the question. “Then you become the goddess, and we figure it out.”
“But I won’t be able to have children, and you want them.”
He cradled her face gently in his hands. “There are many ways to be parents. We will find a way to make it happen if you want, but I will live the rest of my days a happy man with just you and me. That is truly what is in my heart.”
“What if it changes me? Power can corrupt. What if it makes me dark and scary?” she sobbed.
“Have I ever told you what you smell like?”
“Xan, what does that have to do with anything?” she asked, exasperated.
“Bear with me here. I promise I have a point. Have I ever told you what you smell like with my enhanced hunter’s senses?”
“Lemons and lavender. Summertime.”
“Yes, but it’s more specific than that,” Xander said. “I smell the lavender buds at the peak of their season, mixed with the pollen of other wildflowers. I can smell the salt of the ocean on the stems. I can smell the sunlight on the rind of each lemon, plump with juice. You smell like everything bright, beautiful, and vibrant in the world. It’s a smell that suits you better than I could have ever imagined. Cece, you are hope embodied. I meant what I wrote on our wedding day. You are a light in the dark. I am certain that whatever you become will reflect who you are as a person, and that is a goddess I would like to meet.”
Sometimes Xander’s intensity startled her, but it simply felt romantic at that moment. She’d always struggled to let anyone take care of her, but with Xander, she found it easy.
He was too good to her, which only made her guilt worse.
Cecilia had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for Xander to yell or rage. Waiting for him to notice that she hadn’t been nearly as distraught when he’d almost died to save her life back in Argaria.
“Are we going to talk about what happened in the woods?” The words came out in a rush of breath.
Xander held her gaze. “What’s there to say? The man thought he was dying. Can’t say I wouldn’t like to get a few shots in when he’s ready to be back in the fighting ring, but it was just a kiss, right?”
Cecilia swallowed hard. “Right.”
“Feeling guilty? Hoping I’ll offer absolution, love?”
“I want you to forgive me for kissing another man when you’re my husband.”
The huntmaster nodded warily.
“I have a lot to tell you, and you have a lot to tell me—a lot you left out of your stories,” Cecilia said.
A wave of regret passed over his face. “Of course,” he said gruffly, his gaze darting back to her companions. “Rainer!” He pulled Rainer into a hug. “What’s wrong with him?”
“He was hit with poison arrows. I’ve done my best, but he really needs a more experienced healer. Of course, he insisted on coming here first to help,” Cecilia explained. “As if I’m the stubborn one.”
Her father nodded. His eyes passed over her husband. “Xander! My boy, it’s good to see you. I see you succeeded in bringing my daughter back in one piece. She didn’t give you any trouble?”
“None that I wasn’t happy to get into,” Xander said.
Cecilia gave him a dirty look before turning back to her father. “Dad, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?”
“Cecilia, you know I always prefer to get my bad news on the heels of something positive.”
She hesitated. Xander gave her an encouraging smile.
“Good news is that I got married.” She held up her hand, showing off her wedding band and Queen Juliana’s ring.
Leo’s eyes went wide, and he took a step back. “Cecilia!”
“To Xander.”
Xander stepped forward and put a hand on the small of her back.
Her father’s face was inscrutable. She felt the swirl of emotions around him—confusion and anger, tinged with joy. Her father had a temper, but when it came to her, he knew when not to bother with a battle. What was done was done.
He looked at Xander, who shifted nervously beside her. She knew her father loved him as a hunter, but that didn’t mean he thought he was good enough for his daughter. In her father’s mind, Xander was still below her station, but she could tell Xander was desperate for his blessing.
“Xander.” The huntmaster pulled him into a tight hug. Then Leo turned back to Cecilia, taking her hands in his. “You’ve always been one to laugh in the face of tradition, but did you have to run off and get married without me?”
“I can show it to you,” she said.
She closed her eyes, took his hand, and shared the memories, both hers and Xander’s, careful to leave out any hint of their location or images of the enemy queen. When she opened her eyes and looked up at her father, there were tears in his eyes.
“You were so beautiful! Gods, I wish your mother could have been there to see it.” Leo pulled her into a tight squeeze. She leaned her head on his shoulder. He let her go and stepped back, looking back and forth from her to Xander. “So, what’s the bad news?”
She carefully positioned herself between Xander and her father.
“Promise to stay very calm?” She said it softly, like she was approaching a wild animal. His eyes darted over her shoulder to Xander. “You know him as Xander Merleen, but that’s not his real name. His real name is Prince Alexander Savero.”
The huntmaster’s eyes grew wide, and his face turned red as he looked at Xander. “Cecilia Juliet Reznik! You married the Prince of Argaria? Our enemy! Have you lost your mind?”
“You’re the one who trained him under your wing all these years,” she scoffed.
“You! You’ve done this. Some strange magic!” Leo tried to push past Cecilia to get to Xander, but she stood her ground.
“Dad, calm down. I knew who he was when I married him. There was no magic involved. I love him.”
“Sir, I love Cece very much. I apologize for not asking your blessing,” Xander started.
“Don’t speak to me, Savero! I asked you to keep an eye on her, not seduce her!” He turned on his heel, pacing back into the greenhouse. “Cecilia, why would you do this?”
“To prevent Davide Savero from becoming an unbeatable enemy, Dad. To save Olney. Because I was blindsided by finding out that I’m the godsdamned Lost Goddess. I had to make a choice. Actually, I had to make quite a few hard choices to protect you.”
She reconnected with her anger, and it felt good. Her father clenched a fist at his side, but he stayed quiet.
“I fell in love with Xander before I knew who he was. And then I found out who he was, and I still said yes when he proposed, because I love him. You taught me to be assertive, to go after what I want, but then made it clear that I’d be coming home to a choice you made for me. I made a choice for myself instead. No point arguing about it now.”
Her father just stared at her.
“It’s easy to say that I would have decided to do this differently, but I don’t think that’s true.” She reached for Xander’s waiting hand. Holding it made her feel stronger, more like herself. It wasn’t so much that he lent her strength as he reminded her of the strength she already possessed.
“He loves me, and I love him. I know you saw it in the memory. We have a plan, or at least the beginnings of one. He protected me when I couldn’t protect myself. I need you to trust me. I need you to give this a chance, and you might not be inclined to, but I’m asking you to because you owe me.”
Leo looked down at the floor, ashamed.
“Which brings me to my next bit of bad news that we should probably talk about alone.”
Cecilia turned into Xander’s arms.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” Xander asked.
“I’m sure. Will you help Rainer get up to the healer? Take Evan to your old place. I’ll meet you outside when I’m done.”
He searched her face for a moment. When she smiled, he kissed her forehead and turned to help Rainer out of the room.
She faced her father. Leo suddenly looked much older. As much as she was furious with him and wanted to hurt him the way he hurt her, some small part of her felt guilty for wanting to. Finally, he spoke.
“I think a part of me always thought you would marry Rainer. The two of you were so clearly in love with each other. That’s why I turned down all the offers for your hand. Every time someone approached me about it, it just felt wrong.”
The words shocked Cecilia and completely threw her off course. “But that’s forbidden—” She stumbled on the words.
“But it would have made you happy. Once you were the goddess, who would tell you no?” Leo asked.
The revelation scalded her. She thought she was prepared for this, but she’d somehow miscalculated. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted the two of you paying attention on this last trip, not all over each other,” Leo said, shaking his head. “I know he spent every night with you.”
Her eyes went wide. “You do?”
“I’m the huntmaster, for Clastor’s sake! Of course I knew what my own daughter was up to. I let it happen because no one knows how to love and care for you better than Rainer. I saw it as you grew up. I knew he would never do anything you didn’t want him to. I trusted you to make your own decisions. You are so much like Selene and Rosalee in that way. Headstrong and stubborn, and you keep your own counsel.”
Cecilia could hardly breathe. Her father ran a hand through his hair. His weariness was clear in every movement.
“When Rainer looks at you, he sees nothing else. It’s been that way since he met you. That is why I let you be paired with him to begin with. It’s why I let you have an inappropriately close relationship with him your whole life. Even when you were young, the two of you used to sneak off to the cottage and fall asleep telling stories. However necessary it might have been, marrying someone else is a pretty big surprise. I see the way you look at Xander and the way he looks at you. You love each other. But it’s not the same as how Rainer looks at you. I know because it’s the way I looked at your mother.”
The question scared Cecilia, but she asked it anyway. “How does he look at me?”
“He looks at you like you’re the very air he breathes. Like he could never get enough of you. So I’ll ask once because you’re my daughter and I love you. I will get you out of this mess in a second if that’s what you want. Do you want me to have the marriage reversed? There’s a strong case for proving you were under duress. I know it feels like so much choice has been taken from you. Let me give this back.”
He looks at you like you’re the very air he breathes. Like he could never get enough of you.
Cecilia drowned in the words, uncertain what to say. She thought of Rainer’s confession when he was dying. She thought of how it felt to think of living without him.
“You don’t have to decide now—”
“Dad, I made a promise. You taught me to be a woman of my word—to never make promises I can’t keep. There is no going back, I can only move forward. I love Xander. He’s kind and funny, and he drives me crazy, but I love him.”
“And you don’t still love Rainer?”
Cecilia threw her hands up. “Of course I do. I always will. But he only realized his mistake when he thought he’d lost me. He couldn’t see it until I was all but gone. Xander looked right at me, and from the first time he saw me, he couldn’t get enough. He chose me over his family—an impossible choice—but he made it easily. He’s done nothing but honor me and put me first. He lets me be me.”
Her father smiled weakly. “Well then, I suppose I should call you Your Highness now.”
“You better not.” She laughed. “Dad, why didn’t you just tell me I was the goddess? Do you have any idea of the heartbreak you could have saved me?”
“I wanted you to have a chance to be a normal girl for as long as possible. Cecilia, I always loved you like you were my own. You are my daughter just as much as you are his. You were always my daughter first. You still are. I think a part of me didn’t want you to transform.”
“Well, I haven’t,” she breathed. “I haven’t used the power yet, so technically, I’m not the goddess yet.”
“Why not?”
She fought hard against the tears that threatened. A lump formed in her throat and threatened to choke her. For a moment, she couldn’t look at him. “Daddy—”
His eyes went wide at the name she hadn’t called him since she was a child. She tried to grasp onto the rage she’d felt earlier, but it slipped through her fingers like sand. She took a deep breath.
“The exchange for the power. It’s a price I don’t think I can pay. I’m trying not to. If I knew what I was buying with my sacrifice, I wouldn’t have. If I accept my full powers and become the goddess I was meant to be, I will lose my ability to have children.” Her anger evaporated into silent tears.
Her father looked as if she had slapped him. He was speechless.
“Now I am fighting with this thing like I’m in the grips of a relentless addiction. I don’t know how long I can hold it at bay. We’re being pursued by Davide Savero and his army and maybe Endros. I married Xander, but Rainer finally wants to be with me, and I’m just—gods, I’m just so exhausted. I don’t want to save the world. I just want to be a normal girl. How can I save the kingdom? I can barely save myself,” she sobbed.
Leo hugged her, and as she cried in his arms, she felt like she was back to being just the huntmaster’s daughter, as if she’d come full circle.
They held each other for a long time as they both tried to fathom the gravity of a loss she hadn’t yet suffered. Together, they’d weathered the loss of her mother. Nothing prepared them for that, the same way nothing prepared them for this loss. A lifetime of exchanges had done nothing to prepare the Rezniks for the sacrifice it took to accept that type of power.
38
Even with her eyes closed in focused meditation, Cecilia felt the moment Xander shot up in bed looking for her.
They’d rushed into her cottage the night before, eagerly bathing and then falling into bed together. Cecilia expected to sleep heavily thanks to finally being back in her bed, but she tossed and turned, chased from sleep each time she found it by nightmares of Rainer being struck with arrows and falling from his horse.
She understood Xander’s panic. It was barely dawn, and she was awake and out of bed. She tried to ignore the feeling of his heavy gaze on her and focus on the words she silently repeated to keep her grounded and contented to her body: Sky above. Earth below. Me right here.
But as the sun rose, casting the lilac light behind her eyelids orange, she gave up.
“I know you’re awake and staring at me,” she said, blinking her eyes open.
Xander frowned. “I think the real question is, what is my wife, who hates to get up early, doing up at dawn?”
“I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.”
It surprised her how smoothly she lied. Still, Xander read it on her face. He always saw her so clearly, even when she was trying to hide. She loved him for it.
“Were you praying?” he asked.
“I suppose it’s a bit of a prayer. More to myself than the gods, though.”
“Love, I’ve been trying to give you the space to work whatever this is out on your own, but I’m worried.”
She sighed. “I know. I can feel that too.”
“Do you want to tell me?”
“No.”
“Will you please tell me? Whatever worries you have, let them be my worries too.”
“I don’t want them to be your worries.” She sighed.
All day and night, the goddess power clawed at Cecilia, scraping her with its talons, begging her to claim it and solidify the exchange she’d agreed to. The more it went on, the more she felt hopeless. Her resistance felt futile, but how could she admit that to Xander?
Frustration painted his face. “Well, it’s not up to you. We agreed to be a team on all things. Talk to me, Cece. Tell me what’s bothering you so much. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how you barely eat. I see how you wake up in cold sweats from nightmares. I’ve seen the edginess since you shared memories with me back on our journey. What’s going on?”
Her frustration evaporated, and her shoulders relaxed. She crossed back over to the bed, and he wrapped his arms around her, kissing her softly.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me. I hate to see you go through it alone,” he whispered.
She hesitated still. “The goddess power is close. I don’t know how to explain it or when exactly it started. I don’t know if it happened because I started summoning again, but I know it got really intense around then. Each time I summon, it’s like the wall between me and my power crumbles a bit. I can feel it all the time, just out of reach. Like even though my summoning is different, it’s magic, and it wants to reach out to other magic. It’s always there, waiting. I cannot seem to shake it no matter what I do. The only time it ever goes away is when I’m here with you.”
“Well, I guess you have to just stay in my arms forever,” Xander said.
“I wish that I could.” She smiled. “I’m afraid that I can’t hold it off. I’m doing my best, but it is relentless. I feel it in my bones, under my skin, like a humming. It calls to me like a siren song that I am afraid I’m not strong enough to resist.”
“So you pray?” he asked.
“I repeat a phrase to myself over and over until it stops, or at least recedes. It reminds me I’m here, and I’m human. Xander, I’m really afraid of it. I don’t know what it is, and it feels dark —” Her voice broke, and tears rolled down her cheeks.
“Not possible. There is no part of you that isn’t brilliant and shining.”
She blew out a breath. “Be serious.”
“I am serious. Look, I’m no stranger to the dark. I’m not afraid of it, and I’m definitely not afraid of any part of you. I love you, whether you are at your best or your worst, no matter what happens.”
“But what if I give in? What if I become the goddess?”
Xander looked baffled by the question. “Then you become the goddess, and we figure it out.”
“But I won’t be able to have children, and you want them.”
He cradled her face gently in his hands. “There are many ways to be parents. We will find a way to make it happen if you want, but I will live the rest of my days a happy man with just you and me. That is truly what is in my heart.”
“What if it changes me? Power can corrupt. What if it makes me dark and scary?” she sobbed.
“Have I ever told you what you smell like?”
“Xan, what does that have to do with anything?” she asked, exasperated.
“Bear with me here. I promise I have a point. Have I ever told you what you smell like with my enhanced hunter’s senses?”
“Lemons and lavender. Summertime.”
“Yes, but it’s more specific than that,” Xander said. “I smell the lavender buds at the peak of their season, mixed with the pollen of other wildflowers. I can smell the salt of the ocean on the stems. I can smell the sunlight on the rind of each lemon, plump with juice. You smell like everything bright, beautiful, and vibrant in the world. It’s a smell that suits you better than I could have ever imagined. Cece, you are hope embodied. I meant what I wrote on our wedding day. You are a light in the dark. I am certain that whatever you become will reflect who you are as a person, and that is a goddess I would like to meet.”
Sometimes Xander’s intensity startled her, but it simply felt romantic at that moment. She’d always struggled to let anyone take care of her, but with Xander, she found it easy.
He was too good to her, which only made her guilt worse.
Cecilia had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for Xander to yell or rage. Waiting for him to notice that she hadn’t been nearly as distraught when he’d almost died to save her life back in Argaria.
“Are we going to talk about what happened in the woods?” The words came out in a rush of breath.
Xander held her gaze. “What’s there to say? The man thought he was dying. Can’t say I wouldn’t like to get a few shots in when he’s ready to be back in the fighting ring, but it was just a kiss, right?”
Cecilia swallowed hard. “Right.”
“Feeling guilty? Hoping I’ll offer absolution, love?”
“I want you to forgive me for kissing another man when you’re my husband.”
