The Lost God, page 25
Her heart beat wildly, whooshing in her ears. Her vision was blurry as she slid down the stone wall.
“Cece.” Xander reached out to her, but she flinched away from his hand.
She dug her nails into her palms, forcing herself to focus on the physical pain.
She met Davide’s eyes. “So, you want me to marry you so that you can have a bunch of little gods and goddesses to stomp all over Olney?”
The entire idea of it was absurd.
“Cece?” Xander sounded scared.
“You all realize how insane this is, right? I’m not a goddess. I don’t have any powers other than my regular powers.” She turned to Rainer. “How long have you known? Did you lie to me my whole life? Gods, I did not know you were such an excellent liar.”
Rainer looked miserable. “I didn’t know until four years ago, when we were sent out for the first time.”
Rainer’s sudden intense interest in mythology right around the time they’d started Gauntlet runs finally made sense.
“Your father told me. Cece, I wanted to tell you, but it seemed impossible. I thought we would do the whole Gauntlet, and nothing would happen, and we would go back and prove them wrong. According to your father, you needed to complete the Gauntlet to come into your full power—to become a goddess. That part of the story was true. I’m sorry. I should have just told you, but you were already so isolated. I thought it would make it worse.”
Cecilia tipped her head back and sighed. “Gods! I am just so tired of men deciding what I can and can’t handle!”
She was quiet for a few moments. She put her head in her hands and closed her eyes, but in the dark, all she could see was the well in the Cave of Longings.
Finally, she looked at Davide.
“Davide, I won’t marry you. I’m definitely not going to have babies with you, and I’m certainly not going to help you destroy my kingdom.”
“I’m not interested in what you want, Cecilia,” Davide said.
She rolled her eyes. “How lovely! Lack of consideration for my wants and desires is number one on my list of things that make a great husband.”
Davide sighed. “I think you’re mistaking your position, Cecilia. I’m not asking.”
She stood, trying to summon confidence she didn’t feel. “I think you’re mistaking your position, Davide. If I’m a goddess, like you say, I could kill you without even touching you. Who knows what my powers do? Even I don’t, but I’m willing to find out to shut you up.”
“No one would allow that. I’m the heir to the Argarian throne.” Davide’s face sagged in a scowl, but she felt his fear prickling out in the air around him.
“It’s just the four of us here, and three of us really don’t like you,” she whispered.
Davide blanched. “I could hurt the guardian.”
“He’s pledged his life to the cause. He came here willing to die. Did you?” she asked.
Davide paused, studying her like he was finally seeing her clearly for the first time. “Gods, is she always this difficult?”
“This is nothing,” Xander said. He looked at her with open adoration, but she still wanted to punch him.
“Fine, I’ll kill my brother,” Davide said, drawing his blade and holding it to Xander’s throat.
Cecilia shook her head. “You won’t.”
“Why is that?” Davide taunted.
“Because we are already engaged and because I’m already pregnant with his child. You’ll get the heroes for the kingdom. They just won’t be yours, Davide.”
“You proposed to my princess?” Davide turned to Xander with fury in his eyes.
“I did,” Xander said, smiling at Cecilia.
“And she said yes?” Davide was indignant.
“Technically, she told me I was doing a terrible job proposing, but then she said yes.” Xander’s eyes lit up.
“And you still want to marry him even after he betrayed you?” Davide laughed in disbelief.
“Yes.”
Relief broke on Xander’s face.
“You may be a goddess, but you’re also a stupid, vapid girl.” Davide glowered.
“Yes, Davide. I have many facets—like a diamond,” she said.
Davide fumed, and Xander coughed to cover a laugh.
“And you’re pregnant?” Davide asked.
“Last I checked.” She brought a hand to her belly the way she’d seen pregnant women do.
“The royal doctor will have to confirm.”
“Obviously.”
Xander looked very confused, but he followed her lead.
“How did this happen?” Davide asked.
“The usual way.” Xander laughed.
“I explicitly forbade you from bedding her.”
“I know, but I couldn’t help it. She was very persuasive,” Xander said.
Cecilia was vaguely aware of Rainer cringing in her periphery.
“How dare you defy me like this?” Davide’s voice echoed against the stone walls.
“Mother and father didn’t explicitly say you needed to marry her. They said one of us had to. So, I was doing what I was told by them. You were the one who decided that it should be you,” Xander said.
Davide’s face went bright red. “This is the one time you chose to be obedient to them?”
Xander shrugged.
“We’ll see what they have to say about this,” Davide huffed. He stomped out of the tower, slamming the door behind him.
When they were sure he was gone, Xander turned to her.
“Are you crazy? They are going to know you’re lying right away,” he said.
Cecilia shrugged. “Not necessarily. You can’t detect a baby’s heartbeat for a while, and if a doctor examines me, they will see that I’m not a virgin, so—”
“Gods, Cecilia! What have you done? With an Argarian Prince!” Rainer chided.
She shrugged. “It’s not as if I knew at the time.”
“I was onto him,” Rainer huffed.
“You were jealous of him. That’s different.” Cecilia sighed.
Rainer threw his hands up in frustration. “Well, you shouldn’t have slept with him, because now you might actually be pregnant.”
“It’s unlikely. I take a monthly herbal preventative tincture,” Xander said quietly.
“I cast a monthly preventative spell,” she said.
“Cecilia! Gods! Why?” Rainer looked genuinely shocked.
“Rain, I’m twenty-two, and I take it for this exact reason. Would you say the same thing if I were a man? No! You would urge me on like you do with your guardian friends. Why shouldn’t I be prepared to have some fun?”
“Because you are a goddess!” Rainer huffed.
She glared at him. “As I recall, the gods have always been known for their wild sex lives.”
Xander laughed, but Rainer just looked exasperated.
“What were you thinking?” Rainer asked finally.
“I wasn’t thinking. I was feeling,” she said. “Can I have a moment alone with Rainer?”
Xander nodded and left them alone in the tower.
“Cece—”
She held up her hand like a shield to protect her from forgiving him. “Don’t. You’re just going to listen and answer my questions. I don’t want any of your excuses. What he did to me is horrible, but what you’ve done is unforgivable. You were supposed to be my best friend. My guardian. I was supposed to be your priority. Not my father. Not the kingdom. Me. You were the one person who was supposed to care about me first. How could you not tell me?”
The words stuck like shards of glass in her heart. Speaking them aloud seemed to give them more power to hurt her.
Rainer gripped the bars of his cell desperately. “I didn’t know what to do. I was so shocked when your father told me right before we started going on Gauntlet runs. You had just turned eighteen. We spent every day together. I would have seen it. I am connected to your heart, for the love of gods. Even so, I thought it would just make you afraid, so I kept it to myself.”
She futilely fought against tears. “I can’t even put into words how much it hurts. Nothing I could say could make you feel even a breath of what I feel right now. It is savage. It’s a new level of loneliness, and I’ve been a lonely girl my whole life.”
She took a breath, pulling back desperately on the reins of her emotions.
“You’ve flaunted every relationship you’ve ever had in front of me. You’ve broken my heart over and over. I am used to it, but this is the deepest wound you’ve ever caused. It will always be there. I will always carry this scar, and nothing between us will ever be the same because of it. That is something we will both have to live with for as long as we do.”
She opened up the connection between them completely and let her heart ache. He cringed the moment it hit him.
When he met her eyes again, it surprised her to see tears in his. Twice in one trip, he’d torn her apart. Twice in one trip, she’d needed to put herself back together. She wasn’t sure she could. Her body felt like lead.
“Cece, I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could take away your pain,” Rainer rasped.
“Just save it. Because I need my energy to figure out how to get us out of this nightmare, not to make you feel better for being a shitty guardian and a shittier friend.”
She turned and stormed out of the room without looking back.
22
Cecilia exited the tower in a huff, the door slamming behind her with a dooming clang. Xander reached for her, but she slapped his hand away.
“I don’t want to be touched right now,” she snapped. “What happened earlier was a huge lapse in judgment, and it will not be happening again.”
He nodded and stepped back, dropping his hands to his sides.
She felt strangely disappointed that he relented. This time the betrayal wasn’t from someone else but her own body. She loathed and desired him in equal measure.
“I’m just—” She took a breath and looked at the ceiling.
The grief and all-consuming loneliness seemed to open an abyss in her chest. She blinked back tears.
“I’m exhausted. I can’t do this with you right now. I need to make a plan,” she said.
Xander’s voice was gentle, prodding. “I know you’re tired. I know I really hurt you, Cece, but I need you to do something.”
Cecilia sighed. “What?”
Xander swallowed hard. “I need to bring you to my parents and introduce you in front of people as my fiancée. I need to let them know in private what’s going on, and then I will leave you alone to rest.”
“Xander, I couldn’t possibly right now. I just found out that both of you have been lying to me. My whole life has been a lie. I can barely stand on my own two feet.”
“I wouldn’t suggest it unless it was necessary. I need to have that solidified to keep you safe. Endros is in the field, but I don’t know where Cato is. Having you as my fiancée gives me more of a say in who has access to you.”
Cecilia shivered, suddenly terrified at the prospect of meeting one of the living gods without access to her magic. She leaned her forehead against the cold stone wall. She bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to keep herself from crying.
“Can you do it? You’re going to have to be okay. You’re going to have to seem like you’re in love with me,” he said.
She nodded, her eyes still squeezed shut.
“Not that I doubt you, love, but when we go in there, you’re going to have to be fully all right, so why don’t we let you take another minute to make sure?”
She felt an overwhelming surge of gratitude, but it tangled with her anger and betrayal, and she couldn’t pull it apart again. All she wanted was to be comforted, to tuck herself into his arms and pretend he was the Xander from a few days ago who kissed her and held her all night like she was something precious and delicate, but indulging in a fantasy would only give him more opportunity to manipulate her. She refused to give him the chance again.
Cecilia took a breath and begrudgingly took Xander’s hand. As they made their way through the corridors, Cecilia was struck by how bright the castle was. Where Olney Castle was dark and dreary, Castle Savero had large stained-glass windows on every floor that let in the bright light in a rainbow of colors. The doors were all intricately carved wood that showed stories from ancient myths, and fireplaces in each room kept out the chill.
The tapestries and paintings on the walls were bright and boisterous, unlike the solemn portraits hanging in Olney Castle. She tried to memorize their path as they went, a habit born out of her hunter training. A good hunter always had an exit plan.
“I know what you’re doing, love, but it’s unnecessary. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know about how to escape,” Xander whispered.
He sounded sincere, but then again, he’d sounded sincere since they met.
Xander paused in front of an ornate wooden door that showed a carving of Endros mid-battle. He knocked, and a deep voice beckoned them in.
King Damian Savero sat in front of a chessboard by large windows that opened up to a courtyard, an ornate crown balanced on his head.
Before Cecilia could take anything else in, a woman crossed the room and swept Xander into a hug. She leaned back and looked at him, holding his face in her hands. She was beautiful, with hazel eyes just like Xander’s and dark hair neatly swept into a sophisticated updo.
“My darling boy! I heard you got back late last night, and I can’t believe you waited this long to come greet us! We are so happy to finally have you back for good. We have missed you.”
She hugged him again, and Xander looked both relieved and content.
“Mother,” he said, pulling away from her. “I want you to meet someone.” The queen turned to look at Cecilia. “This is Cecilia Reznik, my fiancée.”
Cecilia stepped back and curtseyed. “Your Majesty.”
“Aren’t you beautiful?” Juliana said, tilting Cecilia’s chin up to see her face in the light.
King Damian came over to join them.
“Your Majesty,” she said as she gave him a stiff curtsey.
The king’s appraising gaze slid over her before he turned his attention to his son.
“No wonder you wouldn’t give her up to your brother. She could be Desiree herself.” The king chuckled. Cecilia wasn’t sure if it was a compliment to her or an insult to the goddess of love and beauty.
Xander’s chest puffed in pride. “You should see her with a bow.”
“An Olney lady who can shoot. I suppose that’s the influence of your father. As I understand, few ladies of the Olney court are permitted to train in combat.” Damian smiled.
“Yes, Your Majesty,” Cecilia said.
She plastered a stiff smile on her face, the same one wore to every court event in Olney over the years. She pretended she was at one of those events instead of an enemy court in front of a King who wanted her to help destroy her home.
“In Argaria, we are happy to have women in our hunter army,” Damian added.
Cecilia had heard rumors, though she’d never met a female Argarian hunter. Her father’s army had very few women, and the ones who were there were outcasts. They were tough and twice as deadly as their male counterparts, but they suffered for it.
“We have female hunters and slayers, and women happen to make the best spies,” Damian said. “Excluding women is almost as barbaric as bonding children to each other for life when they’re too young to understand the bond or its permanence.”
Cecilia bristled. Bonding was so ordinary in Olney she’d never even considered it strange that it happened so young. She didn’t like the way the implication made her feel disempowered, when her closeness with Rainer had always made her feel strong.
“Nothing to say about that?” Damian taunted.
“No, sir,” Cecilia replied. “I’m afraid I know little of how Argarian traditions differ, and I was raised to hold my tongue about things I haven’t experienced and don’t understand.”
Xander cleared his throat and squeezed her hand, but she held the king’s gaze.
She couldn’t believe she was within striking distance of the enemy king with no weapon but a sharp tongue. Xander had a dagger on his belt, but she doubted she’d be quick enough to land a killing blow. Even so, killing the king would only put Davide in charge, and that would be short-sighted.
Eight other sets of noble eyes around the room were trained on her and Xander. It was not the time to make reckless choices. She’d have one chance to escape, and if she wanted her and Rainer to live, she needed to play nice for now.
“You’ve been away too long, Alexander.” King Damian pulled Xander into a tight hug, which looked more like a performance for the audience of eyes than actual warmth. “You’ve done a great thing. Olney doesn’t have a fighting chance. Endros is already rallying the troops, and now that you’ve brought this—” He cleared his throat, his gaze darting to the watchful eyes of the nobles in the room. “This talented witch into the fold. We can really break the will of the people of Olney.”
“Why do you even want that? Is your aim to reunite the two kingdoms? To what end?” The questions shot out of Cecilia’s mouth unbidden.
“I suppose you’re worried about your father,” Damian huffed. “If the huntmaster surrenders, he need not meet a vicious end. We’ll make it quick.”
As if killing her father quickly was a true act of generosity for his daughter-in-law.
“I will be known as the king who finally reunited the kingdoms. The Savero family will rule the entire peninsula.”
Cecilia could read the subtext. It would give his family much greater ability to corner the world trade markets thanks to Olney’s plentiful ports. Without the ongoing conflict to waste resources and make other kingdoms nervous about permanent trade deals, Damian would be lauded as a hero to his people and possibly even to her own eventually. Money had a way of manipulating even those with the strongest of convictions.
“You could just stop the war and focus on trade if that’s the goal,” Cecilia suggested sweetly.
King Damian eyed Cecilia as if unnerved by her ability to see through his plan. He fixed Xander with a glare. “She’s more spirited than I expected for an Olney lady. I suppose that’s why you’ve taken such a shine to her.”
