The Lost God, page 32
“Yes. I’ll marry you.”
Xander kissed her hand.
“Thank gods, because I already ordered the seamstress to make you a dress, and it was quite expensive on such short notice.” He stood, releasing her hand. “All right, love. The seamstress will be up momentarily, and Teddy will come to get you later tonight. Sena will stop by to help you with your hair.”
“All right.”
Xander was quiet for a moment.
“Cece, I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Even though things were moving much more quickly, a strange calm settled in Cecilia’s bones.
It took the seamstress and three of her apprentices the entire day to make the dress. The fabric was the typical icy light blue of all Olney wedding dresses. It was a detail that touched Cecilia’s heart. The sleeves draped off the shoulder, and the bodice and skirt had an organza overlay embellished with hundreds of tiny white flowers in intricate swirls.
When Cecilia put it on, she felt like a princess for the first time. Her hair hung loosely around her shoulders in curls, but the front had been twisted back from her face. She’d never felt more beautiful in her whole life, and to add to her calm, Magdalena had stopped by earlier in the day and removed her Unsummoner bracelet and healed the raw skin of her wrist.
Cecilia had no intention of using her magic and solidifying the exchange she made in the Cave of Longings, but it was a relief to be able to sense it again.
“Prince Xander sent presents and a note,” Sena said.
Cecilia opened the box. In it were dozens of small white, star-shaped flowers; a beautiful silver, sapphire, and pearl hair comb; and a bird-shaped note that she carefully unfolded.
My Love—
Here are some stars for my Moon Goddess. These flowers are called Stellaspo Tenebiso. It’s an Old Argarian word, but it translates roughly to a “hope in the dark.” They always make me think of you and the night we met. The fairy tales say they only grow on the old battlefields where a cause felt especially hopeless, and many fell believing in their cause, anyway.
You are my hope in the dark. When I saw you in the moonlight by the river, I felt like I was shocked back to life. I never wanted love, but before I even understood what was happening, I was falling for you, and I never stopped. You brought hope back to me when I thought I lost it, and you make me believe in the impossible.
The flowers are said to bring good fortune to a marriage, so they are an Argarian wedding tradition. I thought you could put them in your hair or your bouquet or whatever you want. (Look at that! I’m already giving up trying to tell you what to do.)
The other present is on loan from my mother. She said that she understood Olney tradition requires something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. This is old, borrowed, and blue, and she wore it on her wedding day. I believe she wanted you to know that she approves of you.
I can’t wait to see you. I know you are going to be so beautiful it will probably stop my heart, so please do your best not to kill me.
Love, Xander
Cecilia looked up at Sena, blinking back tears.
“That’s so romantic,” Sena swooned.
“It is,” she said, dabbing her eyes.
“Oh! Don’t cry. You’ll get all puffy,” Sena chided.
“I know,” Cecilia laughed, fanning her face and trying to get a grip on her emotions.
Sena placed the comb and then took her time tucking the flowers through Cecilia’s hair.
There was a knock on the door, and they heard Teddy’s voice. Sena let him in.
“You look like a princess,” Teddy said. “Are you ready?”
She nodded and took his arm. She tried to keep her breathing even and calm as they walked. The castle was so quiet late at night. When they reached the main hall, they ducked into a secret passage, with Sena trailing behind them. They followed Teddy through the passage’s twists and turns until they reached the ground floor kitchen exit. They crossed the courtyard quickly and wound down behind the old cemetery along the cliffside. Castle Savero was poised precariously on the steep cliffs high above the Bay of Endros.
Waves crashed against the rocks far below the path, and Cecilia looked out at the way the full moon shimmered on the water. It reminded her of the night she met Xander by the river.
Finally, they reached an old temple on the bluffs.
“Wait here,” Teddy said as soon as they stepped into the vestibule. “Don’t come out. Xander will kill me if he sees you before you’re coming down the aisle.”
Sena fussed with her dress, and a moment later, the door of the chapel slid open a crack, and Rainer sneaked through. He stopped in his tracks like he’d been stunned.
“Rain!” Cecilia threw her arms around him, and he pulled her into a tight hug. He drew back to look at her.
“Gods, Cecilia, you’ve never looked more beautiful,” he breathed.
Her heart fluttered, and she felt so overwhelmed. She wanted to cry all over again.
He must have seen it on her face. “Don’t cry. This is a happy day for you.”
For you. Did that mean it wasn’t for him? She wanted to say something, but she couldn’t bring herself to speak. Her eyes raked over his freshly shaven face, neatly combed hair and intricately embroidered tunic that was clearly borrowed from Xander. The fabric pulled tight over Rainer’s chest and arms, though he seemed unbothered by the poor fit as he stared at her.
“You are my best friend and the person who I care about most in the world.” Rainer’s voice broke. He fought to hold himself together. “I will always do what’s best for you. I know you think I hate Xander, but I’m coming around.”
“He has that effect on people.”
She felt torn. A part of her still wanted Rainer to tell her not to marry Xander. Standing there, the love for him she’d buried came surging to the surface. Some reckless part of her held out hope that Rainer would come around, even after all this time, even though she loved Xander.
She had always thought love was a simple thing. You loved someone, or you didn’t, and you could only love one person at a time, but she was recognizing how naïve she’d been. Love was much more complex. She thought her heart was divided between them, but perhaps it had simply grown to contain more. She could barely breathe as Rainer spoke again.
“So it seems,” Rainer said begrudgingly. “That’s not what I wanted to say, though. I know that nothing I could say would deter you because you are a smart and passionate person who always goes after what she wants. Cece, I have always admired that about you, and I’m glad you’ve stuck to it. I know you think I don’t pay attention and that I never cared about love, but I was always fascinated by what made people think they could spend their entire lives together.”
Cecilia swallowed hard. Rainer took her hand in his, brushing his thumb over the inside of her wrist.
“I wanted to know how they could be certain in the face of the unknown. I said something about it to my mother once, and she said that no one is ever certain. They take what they know and what they feel, and they try to make the best choice based on that, and every day you decide to keep loving that person. I see the way you are with Xander. I see what he’s done to make you happy, even when everything is falling apart. A good marriage is really about finding someone who will make the best of bad situations with you. That’s where you really get to see what someone is made of. Xander spent the day planning this for you and is risking getting into a lot of trouble to make you happy.”
Cecilia nodded, trying to clear the overwhelming emotions that clamped down on her throat.
Ask me to wait. Ask me to run. Ask me to be with you.
She tried to brush the unwelcome thoughts away, but the part of her that had been in love with Rainer for so long had deep roots. She tried to convince herself loving him was a product of the magic that bonded them together. Magic had already spoiled so many good things in her life. Loving him was a bad habit—one she needed to break herself of if she wanted to be happy.
She was about to marry someone else, and she deserved joy.
“I’m saying that I think, whatever happens, Xander will put you first, and I guess that’s something I can get behind,” Rainer said. He sounded sincere, but apprehension snaked through their bond.
He pulled Cecilia into another hug and kissed the top of her head.
“Are you ready?” he asked, offering her his arm.
She tried not to think about the fact that she had only ever imagined him waiting at the end of the aisle for her. She tried for a moment not to want him.
It didn’t work. The love she felt for Rainer was impossible to ignore, even with someone wonderful waiting for her, but she’d made her decision. All she had to do was move forward and accept it.
Cecilia took a deep breath, and she let go of Rainer in her mind. She released him. She pushed him out of her heart to make room for someone else who wanted to take up that space.
“Yes. I’m ready,” she whispered.
“Not just yet,” a voice from behind them said. There in the doorway, bathed in moonlight, stood Queen Juliana.
29
The silver light of the moon illuminated Queen Juliana’s plain servant’s clothing. She’d clearly disguised herself to be there.
“Your Majesty?” Cecilia said, curtseying.
“You didn’t really think I would miss my son’s wedding, did you?” Juliana asked. “I understand it’s an Olney tradition for the mother of the bride to walk her down the aisle.”
Cecilia nodded. Rainer stared slack-jawed at the queen.
“I know your mother has passed, but I wouldn’t want my daughter walking down the aisle without a woman who cared about her happiness and wished her the best,” Juliana said, taking Cecilia’s arm.
Rainer backed away, ducking into the temple. Sena fussed with Cecilia’s dress and then looked at them expectantly.
“I’m ready,” Cecilia said, hoping that saying the words would make them true.
She felt like she was in a fairy tale. Despite the immensity of her loss. Despite the grief that seemed to be her constant companion now. She was happy.
“Don’t forget to look at his face when he sees you,” Juliana whispered.
Sena slid the door open to the beautiful temple. Behind the altar, moonlight streamed in through the glass windows, and Cecilia could faintly hear the waves crashing on the cliffs far below them. They’d lined the short aisle with flowers and candles that cast a warm glow through the dim temple.
And there, at the end of the aisle, was Xander Savero, the Storm Prince—a man she’d willed herself not to love, but her stubborn heart had proven immovable. He looked painfully handsome in a navy tunic and pants, with his dark hair neatly combed and his hazel eyes locked on her.
Xander looked stunned—like he’d turned to stone. He didn’t move, didn’t blink, didn’t breathe. Cecilia walked toward him, trying to commit every detail of the moment to memory: the beautiful temple, the thoughtful gifts, but most of all, the way Xander looked at her like she made his world stop.
When she finally reached him, Juliana kissed both of their cheeks and then placed Cecilia’s hand in his.
Finally, Xander spoke. “Cece, you look beautiful on a normal day, but tonight there are no words that do you justice.”
He kissed her as if no one else was there. Rainer cleared his throat.
“It’s not time for that yet,” Rainer whispered.
Xander reluctantly pulled away. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.”
Rainer started the ceremony by binding their hands together. He said the traditional Olney opening blessing. Cecilia could barely concentrate. She was nervous about remembering what she wanted to say. Everything she’d come up with didn’t seem right. The words seemed too small and trite. Xander squeezed her hands as if to remind her to relax.
When they finally reached the vows portion, she took a deep breath and spoke. But she didn’t say the words written on the paper she’d worked on all day. Instead, she shared the words that came to her at that moment.
“Xander, I choose you today and every day, not because you are the easy choice but because you’re the hard one. You have always pushed me to pay attention to what I want instead of what everyone else expects of me, and now we’re standing here getting married, so I feel like maybe listening to you was a mistake.”
Xander laughed.
Cecilia continued, “I’m here today not because I need to be but because I want to be. You see me exactly as I am. You’ve pushed me to be myself, and you won’t accept anything less. You haven’t assigned me your own wants or desires or made me feel inadequate. You loved who I was in the dark when I was afraid to step out into the light. Despite all of my best efforts not to, I love you. A wise man once told me that a good marriage requires finding someone who can make the best of a dire situation with you. You have done that every day since we met. So today, I promise to love you, fight with you and for you, and to do my best to make the best of all of our bad situations.” She slid the ring onto Xander’s finger.
Xander swallowed thickly, his eyes shining in the candlelight. She brushed her hand over his cheek, and he kissed her palm.
“Gods, you always have to outdo me, don’t you?” Xander swallowed hard. “Cecilia, I’ve heard yes all my life. When you’re born a prince, you get used to hearing that word, but the first thing you ever said to me was no. Actually, it was ‘no, that’s stupid,’ and since then you’ve continued to push back against all of my nonsense.”
She grinned as he continued.
“You make me want to be a better man. You make me want to listen, but best of all, you see me as I am. Even after I betrayed you and broke your heart, you forgave me. You taught me to forgive myself when I thought I never could. You’re so compassionate, and you care so much about everything. I don’t know how you don’t sleep all the time from the weight of it all, but I love winding you up and watching you go off. You’re the person I want to fall asleep with every night and wake up with every day. You’re the only person I want to go on adventures with, and, gods, do you make me laugh. I am so unworthy of the love and understanding you have given me, but I promise to try as hard as I can every day for the rest of our lives to deserve it. I promise to love you through whatever storms may come, to comfort you, to treat you as my equal in all things, and to do my best to give you everything you could ever want.”
Xander slid the ring onto Cecilia’s finger and kissed their bound hands. She blinked back tears.
“Let no one break the bond you’ve made here today in front of these witnesses,” Rainer said, the words tying their binds in a bow. “May the gods bless this union and make it fruitful. May they bring abundance to your doorstep, ease to your days, and peaceful rest to your evenings.”
Rainer unbound their hands and handed each of them one end of the tie.
“It’s up to both of you to keep your end secured. The world may try to rip you apart. You may want to let go. But it’s always going to be up to you to keep the bond alive,” Rainer said, looking from Xander to Cecilia. “Do you promise to hold on to that bond and not let go?”
“I do,” they said in unison.
“Then, by the power granted to me by the Olney Monarchy, I now pronounce you married. You may kiss,” Rainer said.
Xander pulled Cecilia into his arms and kissed her in a way that was not at all appropriate for a temple, but she was so happy, she didn’t care. Their small entourage clapped.
She looked around the moonlit temple, and her heart was so full she didn’t mind that the world she’d known had burned to the ground.
She ceased to care that the girl she’d been no longer existed. She just wanted to be this girl now—one who gave herself over to love, even when she was afraid, even when there were reasons not to, even when it felt impossible.
Love was the last hard thing worth having. Love was something she didn’t mind being bad at. Love was the thing that grasped her hand when she stood on the edge of the abyss of her grief and pulled her back, kissed her softly, and helped her lay down her burdens.
Xander hugged his mother. Rainer hugged Cecilia, and then he kissed the top of her head before he disappeared with Evan, Sena, and Teddy.
“Go wait outside, dear,” Juliana said to Xander.
Queen Juliana took hold of Cecilia’s hands. “I always wanted a daughter, but I had so many complications with Alexander, I could never conceive again. I hope we’ll have a relationship. You seem well suited to each other, and I expect you’ll have a good marriage. I only have one thing to ask.”
“What’s that?” Cecilia asked.
“He’s always been a reckless boy, and seeing him today—seeing both of you this way—he will always put your safety first. He will do anything to save you. I know he would lay down his life to protect you, but I beg you, please don’t let him. Being royal means that you’ll always be a target. Even from my Davide. He’s my son, and I love him, but he is power-hungry and manipulative. Endros, maybe even Cato, have clouded his sweet disposition. Please be careful where Alex isn’t. He hides a tender heart behind all that charm. Don’t let him fool you.”
Cecilia nodded.
“And Cecilia, I know I’m not your mother, but if she were here today, I think she would want you to know that you look beautiful. I’m sure she’d be incredibly proud of you. I think that she’d be happy that you married for love. It’s a rare thing for women in our world.”
Cecilia nodded and blinked back tears as the queen gave her a hug. At that moment, she missed her mother fiercely.
She stared at the simple gold band on her left hand as they walked down the aisle. It was strange that something so small could be so significant. From one moment to the next, her future was tied to someone, and yet she didn’t feel trapped as she’d feared she would. She just felt overwhelming love.
