The Lost God, page 22
She saw a scene from when she first started taking magic classes. She was so much younger than her classmates. Fear and loneliness were her constant companions since no one paid attention to her or took her seriously. Her only friends were Rainer and Sylvie, and she rarely saw them. She missed her mother desperately.
Then she saw herself as a girl and felt the way her mother seemed to be a little frightened of her.
Her parents whispering behind a closed door even before her powers showed up. Her mother’s hushed whisper, “She might be too much for us, Leo.”
Cecilia had always been too wild. The memories were a barrage of every lonely moment in her life in quick succession. Being bullied by Anders Everett and teased by the ladies of the court. Rainer disappearing with a new woman each week. Rainer’s rejection and the revelation that their feelings had never been as similar as she’d imagined.
I don’t understand. Cecilia brushed away tears.
What is there to understand? There is only what you feel and what you already know. Longing is made of memory, the voice answered.
I never fit in. I was always alone. My greatest longing was companionship—to be understood. A cure for my loneliness, Cecilia sobbed.
Correct. Can you face that it might always be true? the ancient voice asked.
Cecilia took a step back. It’s not.
You speak of your lover?
Cecilia nodded.
He can try, but he won’t understand. Not truly. You are solitary—the only one. Not just a lady or a witch or a huntress, but all of those and more. You will always be separate. That is the price you must pay. Can you live with that?
The tears poured down her face, and she sobbed. I don’t want to be alone.
The voice continued. You must accept it, or you will never release this great power, Cecilia. You can’t fear it, or it will control you. You must accept that gifts have a price, and yours is a very specific type of isolation.
Ragged sobs tore through her as she watched more scenes play out. Then, the image in the water shifted, revealing the price of the magic. It was a completely different type of loneliness, one that would strip her of her legacy despite her finishing the Gauntlet. The cruelty of the exchange was shocking.
Do you understand what the price is? Are you prepared to make this exchange? The emotionless voice was in sharp contrast to her extremes.
Knowing the cost of the magic was savage. It clawed at her. She knew in her bones what it was so acutely that she wondered if she’d always known. It was like remembering. She was completely unprepared for the sacrifice, but she shouldn’t have been. Exchange magic was unpredictable. She knew it would be more than blood but didn’t expect something so different from what she’d expected and would alter her entire future.
She had to accept, or her soul would be trapped between realms forever. She felt something splitting apart inside her, as if her soul and body were splintering.
You’re running out of time. You must accept it.
Cecilia knew that fear could make her a coward or a warrior. She ran a finger over the crescent-shaped scar on her left palm—proof that she usually chose the latter—but she was beginning to wonder if courage was worth it.
She closed her eyes and took a long, ragged breath. I accept it.
Place your hand in the well water.
Cecilia put her hand to the water, and lightning surged through her body. She let out a yelp but kept her hand in the water as pain flowed through her. She felt as if the lightning burned right through her gut. The pain was so severe that she could do nothing but scream.
There was no memory released. Just the surge of energy and pain until everything went black.
“Cece!” Xander called to her from far away.
“Xander?” Her voice was weak.
She tried to get up from the cold cave floor. Every muscle in her body hurt, and she was dizzy. Suddenly, she felt Xander beside her, his calloused hands on her face.
“You can’t be in here,” she murmured.
“The Gauntlet’s over. Are you all right?” He helped her sit up. “I heard you scream.”
She could barely see his face in the darkness. “It was awful.”
He pulled her into his lap and held her tight as she sobbed. She sobbed for the lonely little girl she’d been, the lonely young woman she had become, and the lonely old woman she would be. Xander whispered soothing things until she finally calmed.
“I’m sorry,” she said, wiping her cheeks.
He kissed her forehead. “You’re so brave, Cece, but you don’t have be to with me.” The words set her free, and a fresh wave of tears came to her eyes. “I love you no matter what.”
Her breathing slowed, and a resolute calm came over her.
The realization that she completed the Gauntlet crashed down on her. “I did it. I finished the Gauntlet. Did anything happen? Did you see anything?”
Xander shook his head. “No, I saw nothing. I just heard you scream, and I came running. Do you feel different? Do you have any new magic?”
“No. I feel the same.”
She felt mostly the same. The memory of what she sacrificed to release the Gauntlet power sprung to the front of her mind, but she quickly pushed it away. She wasn’t ready to acknowledge the price she’d paid or its permanence.
After all the hype, the pinnacle of the Gauntlet was anticlimactic for all she’d given up, though she supposed things could have been much wilder back in Olney. Maybe they already had access to the power. She wouldn’t know for sure until they returned home.
Xander helped her to her feet and picked up his torch. His gaze was heavy on her, searching her for injury.
“We should go find Rainer,” he said, placing a hand on the small of her back and guiding her toward the entrance.
They walked back in silence, but when they drew close to the cave mouth, she felt a heaviness just outside the cave.
“Xander, wait—”
She reached for his hand, but he was just beyond her grasp. He stepped into the light and drew up short. Surprise and fury clouded his face, and he held out a protective arm to tuck her behind him.
When her eyes adjusted to the light, she saw twenty Argarian hunters waiting for them with bows drawn.
19
“Good morning, Lady Reznik!” the leader of the Argarian hunters shouted.
Cecilia was startled that he knew her name. The man hopped down from his horse. He wasn’t wearing a hunter’s emblem, and Cecilia instantly worried he was a slayer.
“We already have your guardian. If you want him to live, you won’t give us any trouble.”
She tried to push Xander aside, but he stood firm. He looked stunned and fearful, with all the color drained from his cheeks.
“Xander?” she whispered.
He didn’t look at her. He focused on the group in front of them, his hand on the hilt of his sword.
“The prince is dying to meet you, my lady,” the man said.
“The prince?” she asked.
The leader grinned. “Yes. He’s been following your progress for a long while now. He’s been waiting for you.”
“Where is my guardian?” Cecilia asked.
“As long as you behave yourself, he’ll be released unharmed.”
Cecilia looked at Xander, hoping he had a plan, but he was still as stone. His eyes scanned the group, searching for a way out. She reached out her senses beyond the hunters in front of her, trying to grab hold of something familiar, but she stopped when she heard stumbling and felt Rainer’s proximity.
Another man dragged Rainer out from the tree line. Rainer looked distraught. He was gagged, his hands bound behind his back, but he was uninjured. Cecilia had to stop herself from running to him. He stood next to a tall, broad man who looked vaguely familiar.
“Cecilia Reznik, the famous daughter of the Olney huntmaster!” the second man said. “I have your guardian here and several excellent marksmen spread all over the area, all trained on him. You can try to pull some magical stunt, but I expect that one of them will kill him before you do much damage. I need you to agree not to summon anything.”
“What do you want?” she asked.
“No summoning?” He smirked, looking from her to Xander.
“Fine,” she said.
“I’d also like you to toss your dagger aside. I understand you’re quite deadly with it.”
“I could toss it right into your throat,” she threatened.
“If you do, your friend here will be dead before he hits the ground.”
She hesitated. “It was a gift. I don’t want to lose it.”
“I will have one of my men hold on to it,” he assured her.
“Fine,” she said, tossing her dagger into the dirt. “You have me at a disadvantage. You know my name, but I don’t know yours.”
“How rude of me. I’m so used to someone else introducing me. Forgive me, Cecilia. My name is Davide Savero, Prince of Argaria. I have a bunch of other titles, but I assume I can skip those.”
His smile was familiar, and a terrible sense of foreboding set her nerves on edge.
She tried to remember what she’d heard about the heir to the Argarian throne. Stories of his cruelty and manipulation had made it to Olney, especially those that suggested he’d become especially brutal since his younger brother disappeared years ago and was presumed dead.
She appraised Davide. He was tall, handsome in a cruel sort of way, with a pinch in his brow and a strong jaw. It was hard to know what to expect based on appearance and gossip. She’d learned enough about court rumors not to believe everything she heard. Maybe she could reason with him.
Cecilia dropped into a mocking curtsey. “Ah, Your Highness. What an honor to have my guardian taken hostage by you and your men.”
“You’re funny, Lady Reznik. I’d heard that from my spies. Why don’t you step into the light so I can see you better?” Davide said.
She stepped forward.
“We’ll have to get a good look at you in something other than those grungy hunter’s clothes but, he may have undersold your beauty when he talked about you.”
“When who talked about me?” Cecilia asked.
Rainer mumbled around the gag. She felt his guilt through their connection, but she couldn’t make sense of it.
Davide’s lips tugged up into a lupine smile. “My brother.”
“Your brother?”
Davide wasn’t making any sense. Maybe the rumors that his younger brother had died years before weren’t true. It gave her hope that if those weren’t true, the rest of the rumors might not be.
“Yes, you know him well. He’s been keeping you warm for me.” He laughed, elbowing Rainer in the ribs.
Rainer looked wrecked. He sputtered desperately against the gag, his shoulders slumped in defeat.
Time ground to a halt. Cecilia’s whole body was cold and rigid. It wasn’t possible. Rainer was her oldest friend—the person who knew her best in the world. Rainer slept in her bed every night. He baked her lemon cakes when she was sad and told her bedtime stories. Rainer, who had almost kissed her.
That reality warred with a different one. Rainer was adopted. He was so unlike his father. He was always trying to prove something with his commitment to the rules. Rainer had been terribly private about the identity of his birth parents, and she’d thought nothing of it. He’d told her that they couldn’t be together because there was so much she didn’t know, and he’d asked her to just wait until their trip was over. He could have hidden in plain sight her whole life, and she missed it.
Rainer was an enemy prince.
Shock sent her mind spinning. Cecilia looked from Davide to Rainer. There was only a slight resemblance, but all the air punched out of her lungs.
She feared she might collapse. She wished the ground would swallow her, or that she could cease to exist. Her heart threatened to shatter as it kicked up in her chest.
“Rain?” She looked at him, confused.
Rainer looked like he was seconds from crying. She’d never seen him look so moved. The guilt and fear that surged through their bond stole what breath she had left, leaving her gasping as she stared at him in disbelief.
Davide laughed heartily, breaking her out of her trance.
“Oh no, love. You have it wrong.” Davide was in stitches. “I was talking about my little brother, Prince Alexander Savero, or as some people like to call him, the Storm Prince.”
She stared at Davide.
“The one who calls you Goddess,” Davide said exasperatedly.
Everything in her body went still. She turned slowly, looking at Xander.
He’d trained under her father for years, an enemy prince right under their noses.
And then another revelation: Xander was the Storm Prince, and the Storm Prince wasn’t just a fairy tale, which meant he could summon storms and who knew what else.
Xander’s face crumbled as she stepped back. Fear, grief, longing all swirled around him. She couldn’t let herself be drawn into it.
“Cece, I’m sorry. I tried—” Xander started.
She held up a hand, trying to ward against his words.
The moments dragged. Her brain couldn’t seem to catch up.
Xander who had spent hours kissing her, making love to her, telling her how beautiful and special she was.
So he could string you along, you silly, stupid girl.
How foolish of her to think that someone so handsome, charming, and experienced could want her. Years at court should have sorted out that notion. But he’d seen her as a sad girl, and he’d preyed on her loneliness.
Alone. Alone. Alone. Her mind echoed with words spoken by the cave ancients moments before.
Her face was wet. She looked up at the sky, expecting rain clouds but finding none.
She turned back to Davide.
“Cecilia, you’re crying. I understand you and Xander were close. That must hurt.”
The air crackled dangerously. Davide turned toward Xander. She felt the storm close by. She wasn’t sure if she was causing it because of her grief, but Davide spoke and answered her question.
“Careful, brother, I’m not feeling especially playful right now. Remember how much she loves her guardian,” Davide warned.
Cecilia looked at Rainer, but he just nodded at her and Xander. It was permission to risk his life to get Cecilia out. Permission she absolutely would not take.
“Don’t hurt Rainer,” she whispered, looking at Xander.
Xander took a hold of her arm, but she spun him around and swiped his dagger, flipping him to the ground and knocking the wind out of him. She straddled him, holding the dagger to his throat.
“Cece,” he rasped.
“You will let my guardian and I go, or I’ll kill Xander right now,” she said.
Davide clapped. “Oh, Cecilia, you are just as spirited as he told me. Go ahead! He’s played his part. He delivered you here. We no longer need him.”
She looked down at Xander, feeling both rage and pity that his brother would let him die. She pressed the knife into his neck.
“You won’t even defend yourself, brother?” Davide taunted.
Xander stared up at Cecilia. The love in his eyes hooked into her heart.
“Cece, I love you. This changes nothing,” he whispered.
“You lied to me! About everything! You led me into a trap! That’s not love, Xander!”
Her voice was a jagged whisper. She fed the burning flame of rage that lived in her heart with everything she had. She leaned into the deep burning pain, trying to hold on to it. Anger would sharpen her will into a useful weapon.
“I promise there’s nothing you could do to me right now that I wouldn’t deserve. Hurting you like this breaks my heart,” Xander murmured. “I swear I tried to think of a way out. Anything but this. I thought I had more time. I thought we’d come out of the cave, and I could tell you, and we’d find Rainer together.”
Cecilia tried her hardest to hold on to her righteous anger, but it faltered. She started to cry again.
“This is why you tried to get me to run off. This is why you kept trying to get me to turn around.” She sighed.
She felt like such a fool for not seeing it sooner. The dagger shook in her clammy palm.
“Alex, were you stupid enough to fall in love with her, knowing she’s promised to me?” Davide laughed. His words startled her.
“I am promised to no man,” Cecilia barked.
Genuine fear flashed through Davide’s eyes as she leveled him with her gaze, but it was gone as quickly as it appeared.
Rage flooded back into her body. She looked down at Xander. Something deep and unspoken passed between them. She felt lost in a sea of emotion. She wavered, her grip on the dagger loosening.
Xander pressed up to a seat, trusting that she would move the blade. She didn’t understand why, but she dropped it as soon as he moved. He wrapped her up in his arms, running his fingers through her hair as he kissed her.
He kissed her like they weren’t surrounded by other people—like he thought he might never get to do it again. He brushed the tears from her cheeks with his lips and whispered in her ear.
“I love you. I need you to trust me. I’ll get you out of this. You have no reason to trust me, but I need you to.” He pulled back and looked into her eyes.
Trust felt like something fragile that she’d lost the right to possess. Maybe trust didn’t really exist. Maybe the truth was as mystical and fleeting as magic. Xander might have believed he would get her out of it, but she didn’t.
“No more kissing my fiancée, little brother.” Davide looked irritated.
“For the love of the gods, I’m not going to marry you!” she said, climbing to her feet. “I will go with you if you let Rainer go.”
“I won’t let the guardian go until you agree to all the terms I set forth, so for now, he’s coming with us. I can compromise, Cecilia. You can ride into Argaria with my little brother if you wear this Unsummoner bracelet.” Davide held up the silver band and handed it to a hunter who tentatively approached her as she rose to her feet.
