CPC-02. Couch Potato Crisis, page 8
part #2 of Couch Potato Chronicles Series
A frown grew across Kegan’s face as the quest prompt appeared on his HUD. Every day. He’d received this same quest offer every single day since the menu clocks turned into a countdown. It appeared at arbitrary times, sometimes more than once in the same calendar day.
He didn’t bother reading it, tapping the “Decline” option instead, like he had the last hundred times the quest offer appeared. The quest was from the eidolon Entropy, and he wanted no part of it. Why the eidolon of chaos offered him these quests was a mystery, but it didn’t matter. Deals with gods came with hidden price tags. He didn’t know why Lord Entropy thought him a suitable candidate. He was no villain.
He’d never tell anyone about the quest messages. No one could know. He’d worked hard to cultivate the trust of those around him. Despite being part human, the soldiers under his command had accepted him as their leader, and the people had come to accept him as one of their own. If they saw his quest offer, if they knew what Lord Entropy offered him, their trust would turn to suspicion.
He walked into the smoke filled bar, where a beautiful elven maid with silver hair served drinks behind the counter. She was engaged in conversation with the slimish barkeep, who wore what appeared to be some manner of mustache attachment. Kegan approached the elf.
“What’ll it be…” She stopped short as she looked up. “Kegan. I didn’t expect to see you here, brother. It’s been a long time.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner, Ellis. I’ve just been so busy.”
“You mean you’ve been keeping yourself busy. I know you.”
He sighed. “ I miss her so much. Keeping busy is the only thing that keeps me from thinking about her.”
“I miss her too.” Ellis turned to the bartender and her voice dropped in pitch. “Hey Goobert, I’m taking a break.”
“Pfffpt! Pffff…..” The slime’s tone was amicable.
She reached for the upper shelves and removed a bottle of the bar’s finest dwarven death whisky, along with two small glasses. She stepped out from behind the counter and sat at a table, indicating that he take the opposite seat.
“Even now, you still think of me as your brother.”
“You married my sister. What happened to her doesn’t change that. We need one another, now more than ever.”
“I should have protected her…My Gwen, slave to some Zhakaran filth—I should have prevented it.”
She frowned. “You weren’t even there. What happened to her wasn’t your doing.”
“But I should have been there...”
When the K’her Noálin Pirate Group decimated Adreála, Kegan had been a general in their military. His ability to think like a human proved invaluable during the most recent Zhakaran war. His division racked up more kills than any other. But peacetime had made the elven people complacent. He should have recognized the diversion for what it was.
When the pirate group attacked, his main force was already committed to bandit suppression. That had been Kegan’s decision, and as a result, the air pirates were able to take the city and destroy the crystal keep with only a minimum of resistance.
Had he been there during the attack, there was little he could have done against an Orb user commanding an entire fleet of airships. That knowledge didn’t make him feel the slightest bit better.
His wife, Gwenestry, had been captured, as had the Adreálan count and countess. The only remaining heir was too young to take the throne, so a viceroy took charge until the boy came of age.
“You’ve done everything in your power to get my sister back,” said Ellis.
“That’s why I’m here. I’m going to bring her back from Zhakara.”
Ellis frowned and shook her head. “Too dangerous!”
“The group I’m traveling with has a chance of success.I’m with the Player of Legend and a few of the Zhakaran refugees who took down Captain K’her. No less than Prince Hermes himself is with them, and a Questgivrian knight.”
Her face darkened, “You’re traveling with Zhakarans?”
He raised his hands, forestalling her objection. “I feel the same as you. I don’t trust them, though they’ve gained the Player’s confidence.” He set his jaw. “That doesn’t matter. If working with them gets me my Gwen back, I can hold my nose.”
“They’re monsters, no more than beasts. Humans destroy everything they touch.”
He sighed. “I know that better than anyone, El. I may be part human, but that doesn’t mean I forgive them.”
She placed her hand on his arm. “I don’t doubt you, brother.”
He placed his other hand over hers. “It might be some time before I return. I think you should return to Adreála.”
Ellis wiped her eyes and blinked. “I can’t go back. K’her’s brutality still haunts my dreams. Everywhere was flame and ash.” She pulled his hand closer and leaned in. “I still see it when I close my eyes. I don’t know how I was spared while so many others were taken. I had to get away. Not being there is the only way I avoid thinking about my sister and what they must be doing to her. I don’t blame you, truly I don’t, but I can’t go home. Not yet.”
He leaned in as well and lowered his voice. “It isn’t safe here. If my mission succeeds…”
He looked around to make sure he wasn’t overheard. He lowered his voice further, reducing it to a whisper. “If I succeed in my mission, we’ll be at war with the humans soon. This place is... too close to Zhakara. I’d feel better knowing you were safe. I can warp you back there right now. Please, Ellis.”
“Are you sure?”
He gave her a small nod. “It’s only a matter of time before the war reaches these shores. You can’t stay here.”
There was a long pause before she spoke. “Then nowhere is safe. This is exactly what I was afraid of. As soon as I have my affairs in order, I’ll leave Etheria and take the path to Tír na nÓg.”
Kegan said, “Leave this world behind? Just like that?”
“Etheria isn’t safe any longer, and it’s not only the humans we must fear. Entropy grows closer by the day. The snake can be seen even in broad daylight. They say that once the menu clock runs out”—she shuddered—”that’ll be it. If the humans don’t get us, the destroyer god will devour everything. I’m no warrior, Kegan. I’m not like you. The only safe place that yet remains is Tír na nÓg.”
Kegan narrowed his eyes and clenched his fist. “I understand, sister. I swear I’ll punish every one of them for you. They’ll all pay—down to the last piece of Zhakaran filth I see. Their sins can’t be forgiven.” He took a deep breath. “I’ll bring your sister home. You needn’t worry.”
She nodded. “Until we meet in Tír na nÓg.”
“Pfffpt!” demanded the proprietor.
“Yes, Goobert. I’ll finish my shift first.” She sighed, clearly annoyed at her employer for breaking into a private conversation.
Kegan stood. “I should get back to my...companions.”
“Yes, your human companions? How can you stand to be in their presence?”
“The Player isn’t Zhakaran. She comes from another world and was raised with foreign customs. Her companions, though. I can’t forgive them for what they are, for what their kind did to my wife and my people, for this decision they’ve forced you into. They’re beyond redemption. Please understand—I’m not forgiving them, El, I’m only using them. Maybe I can make the Player see them for what they are.”
He took a last look at his sister-in-law before leaving. His glass of death whisky remained untouched on the table.
Tasha sat across from her friends at an outdoor bar that overlooked the pier. Kazezu waited outside, as he no longer fit inside most of the shops.
“This is hopeless,” she said as the elven barmaid delivered their drinks. “All the ship captains say ‘It’s too dangerous,’ and ‘Blobby’s gonna eat my ship,’ and ‘I don’t wanna die.’ Those wimps.”
“They’re just being prudent,” said Ari. “Nobody in their right mind wants to risk the wrath of the dread fiend of the bay.”
“Just who is this Blobby guy, anyway? A person, a boss monster, what?”
Ari said, “They say he was once a slime who lived for too long and was driven mad by grief and extreme old age, but nobody knows for certain.”
“He’s a slime, like Sir Slimon?”
“Pfffpt!” Slimon protested.
“If he’s a slime, he’s nothing like our friend here. For one, he’s larger than most ships, and somehow he always knows where ships are in the bay. He’s fast like lightning, and some of his victims claim he speaks English, though his words are confused and nonsensical.”
“So beating the crap out of him isn’t an option?”
Hermes smiled. “I wouldn’t advise a confrontation, lass. Even if we somehow defeated or drove away the fiend, it would surely cost us our ship.”
Tasha took a sip of her beer. Ugh. She’d specifically asked for not-pumpkin-spice. She winced and took another sip. In her current mood, any alcohol was good alcohol. “What now?”
A small gnome wearing a floppy hat approached the group holding a wooden mug of beer in his off hand. He swayed from side to side, and his voice was slurred. “Are you the human who’s been asking for passage to Zhakara?”
She nodded “What’s it to you?”
“May I sit?” He pointed to the seat next to her.
Tasha frowned, then nodded. Unlike the gnomes she’d dealt with in the past, this one didn’t wear a pointed hat. Instead, a long-rimmed floppy hat sat atop his shaggy white hair. His beard was long and bundled together, but lacked the ornamentation of dwarven beards. His large nose framed nearly half his wart-covered face, and he wore a set of goggles and a rugged suede vest.
The gnome hiccupped. “As it happens, I’m the captain of the Dea Latis, the fastest ship in the bay.”
She leaned forward and lifted an eyebrow, “Can you get me to Zhakara?”
“Not a chance. Blobby’d catch my ship and I don’t wanna die.”
She slumped back into her chair. Of course this captain would tell her the same thing all the other captains told her. “Then why are you here?”
“I can’t get you there, but I know who can.”
She was distracted by Pan tugging on her sleeve. “Not now, Pan.”
She turned back to the gnome. “You know someone who can get us to Zhakara?”
The gnome nodded. “If things go well, we’ll have you there in under a week.”
Ari asked, “Who?”
“Wait. Let me ask you a question. Are you averse to traveling with”—the gnome raised his eyebrows—“pirates?”
“Doesn’t bother me. I can handle pirates,” Tasha said. “As long as they can get us where we’re going, not a problem.”
“If you’ll hire me, I’ll take you to Wombat Island. Be a few risks to get there quickly”—the gnome hiccuped— “but I’ll take the lot of you if you’ve got enough GP to make it worth my while. My…uh...colleague can easily avoid the notice of Zhakara and the dread fiend of the bay.”
“You haven’t told us your friend’s name, or how he’d get us to Zhakara.”
“Don’t worry about that, miss. His name likely means nothing to you. Trust me, he can get you where you need to be. He may be the only person who can. Once you meet him, I think you’ll understand.”
“That’s the best offer we’ve heard…” Tasha paused as Pan tugged again on her sleeve. The little girl wanted to say something, but Tasha was in the middle of a negotiation and didn’t have time for petty chit-chat. “Not now, Pan. Whatever it is, we’ll talk about it after we’ve arranged passage.”
She addressed the gnome again. “Payment will come after we safely reach Zhakara, not before. That acceptable?”
“How much are we talking?”
She showed him the writ. “The full amount of five hundred thousand GP—if you can deliver us to Zhakara within two weeks.”
The size of the fare seemed to sober the gnome up. “Cargo?”
“Three humans, a dwarf, a dragon, a slime, a half-elf, a velociraptor, and”—she narrowed her eyes—“no questions asked.”
“Heh. I like your style. Got a name, at least?”
“Singleton. Tasha Singleton.” .
The inebriated gnome stood and extended his hand. “Captain Malarkey, at your service.”
Tasha took his hand and gave it a brief shake.
“When you are ready to depart, meet me on my ship, the Dea Latis.” The gnome leaned in. “The second to last pier.” At that, Malarkey bowed and left the cafe.
“A good turn of luck,” Tasha said.
Hermes wore a skeptical frown. “Not sure I trust that guy. Could be unwise to throw in with pirates.”
“It’s not like we have another option. We checked every other boat on the pier,” she said.
There was yet another pull on her sleeve. “Sorry, Pan. What did you want to say to me before?”
Pan said, “I know that g… guy. I recognize him.”
“Really? Where from?”
“That’s m...mister Malarkey. He’s Captain K’her’s first mate.”
Tasha’s eyes were wide, and her jaw hung open at the name. Captain K’her was the very same pirate captain who’d taken Tasha and Kiwi captive months ago. Only luck had allowed them to escape. She’d killed Captain K’her and taken from him the Orb of Air.
“Are you sure that was him?” She’d never met the captain’s first mate during her time as a prisoner.
“It’s him.” Pan said.
Ari sighed. “We definitely can’t trust him now.”
“He’s literally the only person who’ll take us. Maybe he didn’t recognize us…”
Hermes laughed. “That’s unlikely. Gnomes have near perfect recollection.”
Pan said, “I used to be p… part of his crew. He was my boss.”
Ari said to Tasha, “And there’s no way he didn’t recognize your name, even if you’ve never met in person.”
“Then the friend he’s talking about…”
“Most likely Captain K’her Noálin himself. The dark elf captain must have taken residence on Wombat Island.”
“What should we do?” Tasha asked.
They sat in silence. She took a sip of her beer. Ugh. She’d forgotten it was pumpkin spice.
After several minutes, Ari spoke. “I think we should take his offer.”
“But you said we can’t trust him.”
“And we can’t. This is still a bad idea, but it seems to be the only option available.”
Tasha sighed. “You’re right.”
“Just don’t let him know that we know who he is.”
“Why not?”
“We know Captain Malarkey is an associate of captain K’her, but Malarkey doesn’t know we know. If he’s counting on our ignorance and we want his cooperation, we shouldn’t let on that we know.”
“You think this is a trap?”
“Oh, this is definitely a trap, but it's one that might work to our advantage, if we’re lucky.”
He stood. “One more thing. Don’t tell Kegan about the connection between Malarkey and Captain K’her.”
“Why not?”
“The K’her pirate group destroyed his home and sold his countrymen and his family to the Zhakarans. I don’t think he’d take it well if he knew we were working with an associate of Captain K’her.”
That made sense. At least she thought it made sense, but her brain hurt. This entire situation was more confusing than she’d initially expected. She shook her head. “I think we need to be honest with Kegan. I thought we were done keeping secrets from one another. We have to tell him.”
At that moment, the half-elf approached them. “Tell me what?”
She explained the situation. The general’s expression darkened as she did.
Kegan’s calm demeanor was betrayed by his tense jaw. “You’re going to hire the butcher of Adreála to take you to Zhakara.” The half-elf narrowed his eyes. “And I won't be able to take him into custody, will I?”
“Not until after we’re safely in Zhakara. After that, you can do anything you like.”
“How do you know K’her can get us to Zhakara?”
“I don’t.” Tasha shot him an exasperated look. “I spoke to every captain of every ship on the pier, and this is our only hope. If he can’t help us, he’s all yours.”
“As you wish.” Kegan’s stiff bearing broke, becoming incrementally warmer. “I’ll play along, for now. But once this is over and the princess is back in our possession, I’m bringing Captain K’her down. I will not forgive him, and no force on Etheria will stand between me and my revenge.” The half-elf courted her agreement with a single arched eyebrow.
Tasha frowned and nodded.
“Then let’s make haste,” Ari said. “Captain Malarkey is waiting at his ship.”
The Dea Latis was one of the smallest ships on the pier. Tasha had overlooked it specifically because it was so unimpressive. In point of fact, it looked as though it were falling apart. The wood paneling was aged and several spots along the hull had clearly been patched up using other planks and a recklessly liberal application of duct tape.
Kegan said, “That has got to be the most miserable looking ship in the entire bay. I feel sorry for the poor idiots who got conned into sailing on that.”
After a long, uncomfortable silence he said, “Oh. We’re the idiots. Ah well, nothing to be done about it now.”
“We’re paying half a million GP for this piece of junk?” Hermes asked.
She smirked. “No, the Questgivrian taxpayers are paying half a million GP for this piece of junk. Let’s hope it’s as fast as Captain Malarky says it is.”
The gnome approached, drinking whisky from his flask. “Don’t worry, lass. I think you’ll find the Dea Latis is fast enough. The other ships might be pretty, but this girl’s got it where it counts.”
“You mean hull damage?”
“No! Well, yes, but I’m referring to the burst steam engine. It’s one of my own creations. If we have need of a hasty escape, this might be the only ship that can outrun Blobby.”
