CPC-02. Couch Potato Crisis, page 34
part #2 of Couch Potato Chronicles Series
“Today, you've proven me wrong. Buying that kid’s contract was an unusual act of kindness. It cost you all the GP you’d won through hard-fought battle and gained you nothing. You released him from his contract. You might be an idiot, but your heart is in the right place.”
I allowed myself to smile. “Are you not mad at me anymore?”
She shook her head. “No, but in the future, please talk to me before destroying any building we’re inside.”
I laughed. “I think I can do that.”
That evening, the three of us got to know one other better. Franklin had never known his parents. They sold him when he was still a baby, so he has no home to return to. We agreed that, for the time being at least, he’d travel with us.
Day 15
Today, I met King Lakuriel Questgiver. What an absolute jerk! He doesn’t even try to hide his disdain of humans. They had Franklin and I under constant guard and forced us to wear iron shackles and magic inhibiting collars while in the castle. Ceridwen wasn’t made to wear them, only Franklin and myself.
At first I refused to go in, but Ceridwen begged me to put up with it, so I relented for her sake. It was an entirely humiliating experience.
They made me wait for three hours before allowing me to speak with his royal highness, King Lakuriel Questgiver. Six guards—six—escorted me into the throne room. They pushed me to my knees and leveled their spears at my throat. Ceridwen lowered her head before the king, but was not constrained or threatened in any way.
Lakuriel sat on an ornate mahogany throne. Beside him on one side sat the Queen Aurae, a haughty-looking elven woman with short yellow hair. Prince Iolo, little more than a boy, sat at his father’s left side. He sat at the end of his throne, swinging his feet back and forth, as they were too short to reach the ornate stage upon which the thrones sat.
King Lakuriel turned to his son. “We have a very special petitioner today. This woman is a priestess of Catalyst. Be sure to show her the proper respect.”
“How do you do?” asked Prince Iolo.
“Very well, thank you, your royal highness.” She addressed the king. “My king, have you had the opportunity to consider my request?”
The king nodded. “We received your messenger swallow and have considered the wisdom of your words. First, let us offer our condolences for the destruction of your temple.”
“Thank you, highness. It was…rather unexpected.”
The king’s face darkened. “And this….This human. Is this the Player you mentioned?”
“It is, your highness. I saw him emerge from the statue in the Hall of Summoned Stone. There can be no mistake.”
“It’s quite distressing,” said the king, “that a wretch such as this should be the Player.”
“Hey—”
Ceridwen shot me a look begging me to stop talking.
The king ignored my outburst as if I wasn’t there. “We’re forced to agree with your sentiment. Tiamat, the Lich Queen has grown far too powerful in the last century. The blame for this lies with us. We should never have let a human grow so powerful. Tiamat had limited herself to draining the life from humans, but with the kind of power she can wield as a monarch, she poses a threat even to elvenkind. The Lich Queen must be slain.”
The king scowled at me. “But is this human filth really the one to do it?”
Ceridwen nodded. “Yes, your highness. I’ve witnessed his abilities. He gains levels much faster than any of us, and I believe that, with training and constant leveling, he will reach a sufficient level to defeat her within the year.”
Lakuriel frowned. “You put too much trust in this human. How do you know it won’t”—he glared at me, then focused his attention back to Ceridwen—“turn on you the moment it grows more powerful than you?”
Prince Iolo turned to his father. “Are humans that bad?”
“They are. Observe this creature. See how he wallows on the ground. Can you not see the barely concealed murderous rage in his eyes?”
The prince stood from his throne and approached me, looking me in the eyes. “I’m not sure, father. What if he’s just angry we have him in chains? I think I’d be angry if people had spears to my throat as well.”
The king shook his head. “You are too generous. I’ve known humans for far longer than you. If the human was not restrained in this way, he’d certainly try to kill us. He’d take whatever treasures he wished from us. Humans are forever at war with one another. Violence is an inexorable aspect of the human condition. There’s never been a time where humanity has ever been at peace. Their only desire, their only true motivator, is to kill one another.”
“That’s bullshit!” I blurted. “I don’t want to kill anyone!”
The king stood. “How dare you speak?” He removed a white globe from a chain around his neck. Light poured out from it and into my mouth and down my throat. A speck of black light left my mouth and returned to the orb. I tried to speak, but nothing came out. He had stolen my voice.
The guards spent the next few minutes beating me. Not enough to kill me, just enough to make their point.
The king stood and approached Ceridwen, who watched me, horrified. She slowly turned her attention back to the king.
“We can help you defeat the Lich Queen, because we know what she is. There’s only one way she can be defeated.”
He showed her the glowing white orb he’d used on me. “This is the Orb of Life. You must collect the other four orbs, each held by orb bearers. The Orb of Water is held by a citizen of the slime kingdom, a traveling bard known as Blobby Bjurstrom. The dwarves hold the Orb of Earth. I think you won’t have any trouble convincing them to hand it over, but if you do, tell them I sent you. The Orb of Fire is kept by an orcish warlord to the north. You’ll have to take it from him. And finally the Orb of Air is in the possession of the gnomes.”
“Your highness, how will the orbs help us destroy her?”
“Tiamat was part of the first generation of humans to set foot on Etheria. She made a contract with Entropy, the Eidolon of Destruction. In exchange for her service, the snake god Entropy gave her his right eye. The two of them are now intrinsically bound. She won’t resurrect at save points, but neither can she be killed. Her eye will always remain, and with it a portion of the snake god. She must be defeated and her eye must be sealed away in the Hallowed Chapel. Only then will elvenkind be safe from the danger she represents.”
To me, the king said, “I think it is perhaps fitting that a human be the one to slay her. There’s no need for us to dirty our hands with such deeds. Although...I don’t want to send a priestess of Catalyst to travel with naught but a savage human to keep her company. I’d worry for your safety. I believe the young Count Sigrid Elsander is in the castle. I’ll ask him to accompany you.”
The audience ended and I was escorted from the palace. It was hours later when my voice returned.
I was so angry at Ceridwen for making me do something so humiliating. How could she do that to me? I threatened to walk away then and there. It was only when I saw her crying that my heart softened, though barely. Now that I’ve had time to reflect, I don’t think she expected my welcome to be as harsh as it was.
Tomorrow morning, I plan to leave this horrible city and never return. I’ll continue this quest for her sake alone. Tasha, if you ever find yourself in Etheria, I strongly advise that you avoid the city of Brightwind.
Day 16
I met Count Sigrid Elsander this morning. He seems a decent person, unlike King Lakuriel. He’s not a bad swordsman, either. As a card user, I can attack from a distance while he engages with a sword, and Ceridwen keeps us both healed. Franklin has switched jobs to time mage, which allows him to cast speed buffs on the entire group. We’re slowly but surely getting a feel for one another’s abilities.
We left the city and are traveling to the east toward the slime federation in search of this Blobby person.
We spent the evening recounting our adventures to Count Elsander. I trust him so much, I showed him a picture of you that I had on my laptop. He definitely seems like good people. I think we’ll get along fine.
Day 31
Today was a joyous, wonderful day! I’ve finally found what I’d been looking for since I got to this crazy world. I found a Name Change NPC. It sold me a name change card which allowed me to officially change my name to Jak Singleton. It wasn’t cheap, but it was worth every GP.
No more people shouting “Hey asshole!” and me having to wonder whether they were being rude, or just as likely, overly polite. When I explained to Sigrid why I had to change my name, he wouldn’t stop laughing. He’d thought “asshole” was a common name for humans and that Jak was some sort of nickname. Franklin thought it was funny as well.
I’m glad my long nightmare is finally over.
Day 40
Ceridwen tried to kiss me today! We’ve been growing closer to one another for the last few weeks, so I should have seen it coming.
I don’t know why I did it, but I pushed her away, not letting her get too close.
What the hell am I doing? Sometimes, when I see Ceridwen, all I can think of is Rashida. It feels like I’m betraying her. It isn’t fair to Ceri, I know. I can’t help it. I still love my wife…ex-wife…I know I need to let her go, to let us both move on, but I don’t know how to do that.
We don’t always choose the ones we love. Sometimes the relationships we enter into are unhealthy ones. That doesn’t make them any less real, and it doesn’t make the parting any less painful. Besides, there were good times to go along with the bad. She gave me you, after all.
Ceri’s trying to pretend nothing happened, but I feel her sorrow and embarrassment. I tried to explain it to her, but she keeps changing the subject. Everything has changed, and I don’t know what that means for the two of us.
Day 46
I died for the first time today. Calling it strange and traumatic doesn’t do the experience justice. It was like I was in a place where there was nothing but my own thoughts. I had no body, no sight—there was no feeling, just endless nothing.
I’ve learned that in Etheria, death is transient, but this is the first time I’ve experienced it. Spending time in Oblivion was a calming experience (once I got past the initial existential dread, that is).
As to how I died, let's simply say being eaten by a Ginormasaurus Rex is not an experience I’d like to repeat anytime soon.
Now that I’ve been brought to the land of the living, everything has changed. It’s like I’m viewing the world with new eyes. Everything is new, even my own thoughts. Beliefs once firmly ingrained now seem foreign to me. Yesterday, you could’ve honestly called me lazy, a real couch potato. Now, however, the thought of doing nothing seems tedious and dull.
The way I look at other people has changed as well. When I look at Ceridwen, she still looks lovely to my eyes, but thoughts of her no longer bring back memories of my ex-wife. I feel like it was another person who fell in love with Rashida. I think I’m finally ready to let her go, and all I had to do was get killed by a dinosaur mist monster.
Day 56
We met the slime musician named Blobby Bjurstrom. He’s a traveling trombonist in the “Bard” class. A large gathering of female elven groupies followed him everywhere, listening to him perform on his rusty trombone. Even Ceridwen seemed charmed by his musical ability. But I’m not jealous. I’m not, honest!
The other slimes I’d met lacked the ability to speak English, but Blobby uses some kind of artificial voice box which gives him the capability to speak.
Ceridwen explained the situation and he agreed to join us on our quest. He refused to be parted from the Orb of Water, which he held within his own body next to his slime core. That was fine, though. He seemed cheerful enough, and he got along well enough with Franklin.
I honestly don’t like the attention Blobby gives Ceridwen, and I don’t like that she reciprocates. He already has a large following of high elven groupies. Isn’t that enough? I suppose I don’t have room to complain since I spurned her advances like an idiot. I should talk to her. Maybe tomorrow.
From here, we must travel to the Laundry Mountain to acquire the Orb of Earth, and then westward.
Day 58
Ceridwen tried to kiss me again, and this time I let her. She must have sensed that something changed between us. I’m okay with this. More than okay. This is good.
We agreed not to let Blobby know we were together. We talked about it, and we both think we should keep our relationship private for the time being. Blobby has the Orb of Water, and the only reason he’s following us seems to be his infatuation with Ceridwen. If he knew she was unavailable, he might leave, and we still need his help. Why does this have to be so complicated?
Day 78
The four of us defeated the orcish warlord Brainsplatter Hellscreach, who’d been terrorizing the orc kingdom of Orcryst. Our victory was only possible thanks to Blobby and his Orb of Water. Without it, we’d never have stood a chance.
We now possess the Orb of Fire, and that puts us one step closer to the end of our journey.
Tonight the orcish people are throwing Blobby a party, and he deserves it. The orcish women are showering him with kisses, but he only has eyes for Ceridwen. I should join the festivities. They’re serving dwarven death whisky, and I’ve heard that can be a trip.
Day 108
We’ve reached Southland, the rather uncreatively named human territory, and we’ve gathered all the orbs together and are finally strong enough to face Tiamat. Now we need to find out where she is. The locals speak of a castle high in the southwestern mountains. With nothing else to go on, we’re set to journey southwestward.
Day 112
Today I encountered Libra, the Eidolon of Information. The Eidolon resembled one of those mechanical fortune tellers. We each asked a question, and while I don’t know what Ceridwen asked, Blobby got angry after he got the answer to his question. There was only one question that I had for it—what could I do to bring you to Etheria? He spit out a piece of paper telling me to mail the game cartridge to a specific address at a specific date. I’ve memorized the information, and once my game is over, I’ll do what the Eidolon suggested.
Day 114
Blobby proposed to Ceridwen today. Neither Ceridwen nor I realized how serious about it he was. She turned him down as gracefully as she could, but Blobby isn’t taking it well.
Day 128
We’ve made our encampment outside Tiamat’s fortress. Tomorrow will be our final battle. We’ve grown so much stronger now than when this all started. Ceridwen is level 75. Blobby’s at level 90, and I’m at 74. Franklin Zhakara has reached 73 and gained several teleportation abilities.
According to legend, Tiamat has existed since the beginning of the first age of Etheria. She’s one of the oldest beings in existence. Nobody knows what she looks like, what her level is, or anything else about her. She rules over Southland by using other humans to speak for her. When she speaks directly to her people, it’s via illusion magic.
What we do know is that she can drain the lifeforce from people. She ages people rapidly, stealing their energy for herself and preventing them from resurrecting. If any of us were to die fighting her, it would be true death. The mechanics of this ability is a mystery. We only hope she can’t use it in combat. Maybe it won’t work against me because I’m a Player and my real body is on Earth, but I can’t count on that being the case.
The simple truth is that there’s no guarantee we’ll all survive the coming day. I confessed my love to Ceridwen. That’s what you’re supposed to do the night before a big battle, or at least that’s what popular television has led me to believe. I asked her to marry me should we survive the final battle. She agreed! I’m not sure why I was nervous, but I was.
The engagement ring was nothing special. I purchased it at a human village. It was the best they had, which isn’t saying much. She didn’t seem to mind.
The others have already made camp and are celebrating their final night on this quest. I should go join them.
Day 129
It’s been one hell of a day. That you’re reading this tells you I survived.
I didn’t expect the Lich Queen to look the way she did. I thought she’d be an ancient hag, or perhaps a wraith. Instead, she looked like a little girl. Barely a teenager, she was skinny with brown hair and two mismatched eyes. One blue, but the other looked like the eye of a snake—red with a long black vertical slit in the center.
Surprisingly polite, she offered us tea. I told her we’d come to kill her and end her reign of terror, but she insisted on having tea with us first. I suppose that’s what happens when you don’t see anyone for hundreds of years. Tiamat must get lonely too. It’s strange to say, but I felt sorry for her. A millennia-old woman trapped in the body of a child, unable to die. She was clearly mad, however, and malice and amorality filled her heart.
I was going to object to having tea with the enemy, but by the time I got around to it, Blobby had already finished his first cup and was digesting a crumpet.
She led us to a room she’d prepared specifically for our battle. I had second thoughts. She looked like a kid. How was I supposed to fight someone like that?
