CPC-02. Couch Potato Crisis, page 16
part #2 of Couch Potato Chronicles Series
Malarkey sighed. “I was afraid that you’d say that.” He gave her a determined nod. “Get something to eat, and be on deck prepared for battle.”
Tasha nodded, excited at the prospect of a late breakfast. She removed a cheesesteak from her inventory. For the hundred-billionth time, Tasha gave thanks that the food of Etheria was similar to modern day Earth food. She wouldn’t be able to cope without her tacos, beer, and McBreakfast Sandwiches.
As a game developer, Tasha understood that people didn’t really want realism in video games. They said they did, and they probably even thought they did , but what people wanted from video games was pseudo-realism. A good game should have the right balance of feeling real while skipping over the boring and uncomfortable aspects of life. Most gamers didn’t want period accurate food, for instance. They wanted cheesecake and pizza. They didn’t want to slice off a monster’s ear to advance a quest, they wanted the monster ear to drop and be placed in a convenient sealed container. They wanted all the fun and all the adventure without being bothered by any of the less enjoyable aspects of realism. When video games stopped being about fun, people lost interest.
While eating, she watched a rerun of Three’s Company on her cell phone. For a couch potato, being prepared meant being entertained.
She was still learning more about the person she’d become since resurrecting. Tasha’s fourth incarnation seemed much more couch potato-esque than any of her previous selves.
When she’d polished off her cheesesteak, Pan approached her. Tasha turned off Three’s Company and gave Pan her full attention. “What’s up?”
“Tasha?”
“Yes?”
“I can….Summon t…two figments at once now.”
“Really? Since when?”
“Um….Right before Kiwi was t...taken.”
“Have you tried it yet?”
She shook her head. “It only works by water. Let’s t...try it now. Before we reach the inlet.”
That made sense. If Pan had another figment they could use to defend the ship, it was best to know about it beforehand.
“What other figments can you summon?” Tasha asked.
“Just two for now, including Ari. My new figment’s n...name is Undyne the Wayfarer.”
Hermes butted into the conversation. “What are we waiting for? Summon them up already!”
Before anyone could raise an objection, Pan raised her hands and shouted. “Undyne, come forth!” The water around the ship grew together into the form of a giant woman standing barefoot upon the waves. As tall as the ship’s mast, she wore loose-fitting clothing which was also composed entirely of running water. Undyne knelt on the water’s surface facing the Dea Latis. She looked Pan squarely in the eye. The enormous figment was smiling, but she didn’t say anything.
“Hi, I’m P…Pan,” Pan said, but there was no response. The giant humanoid water elemental either couldn’t or wouldn’t speak.
“I don’t think she can speak,” said Ari. “Elemental figments are composed entirely of their element. They don’t have bodies like you or me. I’m sure she’ll understand if you give her a command.”
Pan was undaunted. “Can’t you speak?” The giant woman shook her head. “Okay. Then show me what you c…can do.”
The giant water woman extended her hand, placing it on the deck of the ship, though none of the water fell onto the deck. The top of her hand became solid ice. “You want me t...to climb on?”
Undyne nodded, still smiling. Pan climbed onto the elemental’s hand and Undyne raised Pan upward and into the air. The woman walked alongside the Dea Latis as the wind propelled the ship onward.
At first, Pan looked like she couldn’t keep her balance, but Tasha’s fears were unfounded. Undyne reached out her free hand, and a spike of ice formed, launching into the distance before landing harmlessly among the waves. For about fifteen minutes, Undyne just walked alongside the ship, holding Pan in her palm.
Pan said something to Undyne, but from so far away, the girl’s voice was lost to the sound of the wind and waves.
Undyne nodded and placed the young girl on her shoulder. A thin film of ice formed around Pan to hold her in place. The giant woman cupped her hands together as though gathering energy, then stepped forward, blasting the water outward into crystalline water spikes that extended for nearly a hundred meters, right in the ship’s path.
“Iceberg!” cried one of the gnomish seamen.
“Hard to starboard!” cried Captain Malarky.
The helmsman turned the wheel, navigating the ship away from Undyne’s inadvertent ice attack. They veered right just in time to avoid running into the floating spikes of ice.
Pan pointed at the ship, so Undyne took Pan into her palm and placed the girl safely on the deck. Undyne curtseyed before dissipating in a cloud of mist. The water that comprised her body slowly returned to the bay.
“What was it like?” asked Ari.
Pan smiled. “So much fun! I was so high, but I wasn’t s…scared at all.”
“That’s lovely,” said Captain Malarky. “But could you do us all a favor and not summon icebergs in my ship’s path? Are you trying to sink this ship? How about you save any more summoning until after we reach dry land?”
“Okay, c…captain.”
For the next hour, Tasha did some light reading to keep her amusement index maxed out before a big fight. Not that she expected a fight, but given her propensity for getting in trouble, it seemed a likely outcome.
She loaded her phone’s eBook reader and started yet another read-through of “8-Bit Bastards”. She had all the signed paperbacks back in her apartment, not to mention that she’d already pre-ordered tickets to the recently announced Broadway musical starring Jamie Crivens based on the original novels.
As the shore disappeared from sight, she closed the reader app and returned her phone to the timeless safety of her inventory. The Dea Latis had entered the lion’s den.
Blobby floated just below the surface. He felt the presence of the ships around him, however distant they might be. But they were all too far away. Too close to the shore.
He hated the sight of land. It filled him with unwelcome memories— memories he’d tried so hard to forget. Memories of a lost life, and a lost love. But that life now lay behind Blobby. Now he was the dread fiend of the bay.
Even so…there was still one place close to the land he used to visit. Though he tried to stay away, he was drawn to her voice. It traveled through the water, and he could never escape its alluring pull.
Once per year at the winter solstice, Blobby would return to the rocky cliffs off the western edge of the northern continent. Every year, she’d be there, his beautiful elven minstrel. The only woman whom he’d ever loved would sing for him. He still longed to hear her voice. Every year she came to the cliffs to sing for him, and every year he would be there to listen.
Then one year, her voice no longer carried on the waves. The only woman he ever loved had disappeared, gone from his life forever. Ever since then, he stayed far away from the land.
He didn’t feel safe anywhere near these shores, but he was so hungry, and for something with more flavor and texture than the same old fish which made up the majority of his diet.
So he watched and he waited, scanning for each of the ships, waiting for one to make a mistake, to sail too distantly from the shore.
One of them did. It was trying to cut eastward across one of the northern inlets. Though the small vessel lay far away and beyond his sight, he felt its presence. His Only Friend knew it was there and had told him.
There wasn’t much time. He’d have to move fast to catch them before they reached the far shore, but he’d make it. With the help of His Only Friend, he’d catch the ship, though only just, and the scrumptious morsels within would be his for the snacking.
“Are we there yet?” whispered Tasha.
Ari had a large folding map laid out on a barrel which served as a makeshift table. He pointed at a spot just off the eastern shore. “We will be soon. If the wind keeps up, we should be there within the hour. I think we’re going to make it.”
“What the hell? Are you trying to jinx us?” Tasha whispered-yelled while rapping intently at the wooden barrel.
“Of course not. Why are you whispering?”
“Because the dread fiend might hear us talking.”
“I think we’re through the worst of it.” The captain approached the two of them.
“What is wrong with you two?” Tasha knocked against the wooden barrel with wild abandon. “The moment someone says everything’s gonna be fine is the moment everything goes wrong. It’s an unavoidable trope.”
“Care to make a wager, human?” asked the captain. “1000 GP says we’ll reach the shore without laying sight upon Blobby.”
“You’re on, gnome.”
The minutes ticked by as they waited in restless apprehension.
“Captain!” one of the gnomes whisper-shouted. “There in the water. I see a shape.”
Tasha and Ari joined the captain at the railing. Tentacle-like outlines were visible beneath the surface on either side of the ship.
“He’s right beneath us!” whispered Ari.
Captain Malarkey flipped a 1000 GP coin into the air to Tasha who caught it and deposited it into her inventory. The captain turned to one of his men. “Get below decks and charge the Burst Steam engine.”
“Aye captain!” The gnome ran below decks.
“What do we do?” asked Kegan.
Pan equipped her summoner robes. “W...we fight.”
“No,” said the captain. “We run. We hold it off until the burst engine is fully charged, then we run as fast as we can.”
The figure in the water became more and more defined. It grew larger until its shape dwarfed the whole vessel.
“It’s…bigger than the entire ship.”
Hermes nodded. “Several times, by my estimate.”
The captain drew his blunderbuss and watched the waves, his gaze darting this way and that. The dread fiend’s mighty shadow moved from beneath the ship to its starboard edge until it lay directly parallel with the ship. It kept up with the sail-borne vessel, and waves fell to either side as the enormous creature rose above the surface. An enormous purple gelatinous form with eight giant tentacles, it had a mouth filled with many rows of teeth. Two great eye slits opened vertically followed by an inner eyelid that opened horizontally to reveal gleaming red and yellow eyes.
Four of the monster’s tentacles grabbed the ship’s hull and lifted the entire vessel into the air. Another tentacle lashed out across the deck, snapping the mast, crashing it into the ship’s deck. The ship had lost its sail.
Kazezu fell from the deck and splashed into the water. He beat his wings in an attempt to become airborne.
The Dea Latis tilted, knocking Pan off balance. She slid down the deck and tumbled over the slanted edge of the railings toward the distant water below.
“Pan!” Ari ran toward her, but stopped at the railing. The dread fiend Blobby had caught Pan in one of his tentacles. It held the screaming girl aloft and gazed at the ship, now wrapped as it was in his enormous slimy tentacles.
“Help!!” cried Pan.
Tasha’s battle HUD appeared.
Combat initiated.
Blobby Bjorstrum (Level 75) uses tentacle-grab on Pan (Level 8)
Pan is incapacitated.
Blobby’s hearts appeared at the top of Pan’s hud. 120 hearts were sorted into six rows of twenty. This wasn’t an easily defeated enemy.
Then its mouth opened wide and it spoke. “Heeeere's Blobby!”
“B… b… Blobby? D… d… don’t eat me, okay?”
To Tasha, Ari said, “We have to do something! It’s going to eat Pan.”
“What can we do?” asked Tasha. “I can’t jump that far, even with my double jump.”
Blobby bellowed, “Don’t eat her, she begs…But little morsel of ours, you look so delectable, and gooey, and crunchety. Yes, yes! My Only Friend thinks so as well. What a treat you’ll make for us! Look on the happy side, o snackity-snack of mine. Just think, how popular you will be, you can boast to all of your friendses about how you were the tastiest start to the dread fiend’s luncheon! The other humanses will be full of envy, yes they will, so feel free to send them our way!”
“No!” she cried, “I’m…. I’m m… much too l….little for y…you.”
“Too little she says? What say you, My Only Friend? It is true that she is small and skinny with little meat on her boneses. Is she too tiny for us to devour? For the whole feast, indeed I cannot deny it is so, but I count twelve courses in total, not to even mention the crunchable ship and whatever tasty treats dwell within. Two more humanses, an elfy thing, a yucky slime who we really doesn’t want to eat, and eight more gnomeses. Are there even more below deck? Who can say?”
“I can’t jump that far. Can you make it?” Tasha asked
Ari shook his head, his eyes wide. “Maybe I could throw you that far if I used my God Hand.”
Tasha put up her hands. It was too soon to waste a once-per-day skill. “Wait, I have a better idea. I might be able to use Gravity Shift to fall toward him. I’ve never tried that, so I’m not sure it’ll work.”
Ari shouted, “It’s better than doing nothing!” He looked back at his daughter.
Pan tried to reason with the sea monster. “Sh…shouldn’t you c…c…cook m..me before eating me?”
But the dread fiend Blobby was having none of it. “Cook her? It would ruins the flavor, it would! And what’s worse, My Only Friend hateses fire with a surety most intense. Now, no more delays and distractions, little morsel of ours. Now is not the time for cogitation, contemplation, or deliberations. Neither still is it the time for conversation, disputation, or consultations on the issue of cookery. Now is the time of munching and crunching of delectable morsels! A ship, a ship, oh what a marvelous treasure ship to whet our appetites! But first, my little morsel, down the hatch you goooooo!”
Its tentacle moved toward his waiting maw, which was filled with razor-sharp rows of pointy-sharp teeth.
Hermes fired round after round at the monster, but most of the bullets bounced off its thick skin. Kazezu flew around the giant slime monster, pelting Blobby with jets of steam, but his attacks dealt only nominal damage. Every time he tried to get close to Pan, a tentacle attempted to knock him out of the sky.
Kegan engaged his time magic and fired a volley of arrows at an otherwise impossible rate of fire. Most arrows bounced off the creature’s thick protective film, but a few penetrated. Sir Slimon attacked the tentacle with tentacles of its own. The difference in size between the two rendered Sir Slimon’s attacks ineffective.
“Okay, I’ll give it a try.” Tasha took a running start, jumped the railing, and engaged her Gravity Shift skill. She experienced a moment of vertigo as the shift threw her concept of up and down into confusion.
She tumbled as she fell toward the dread fiend. Had this been a real game, she’d have some control over her orientation. Instead, she tumbled haphazardly, subject to the whims of gravity, however shifted Blobby became visible once per rotation, but with each new glimpse, he seemed to be dramatically closer. She caught sight of Blobby’s open maw, where Pan struggled, wrapped in its grimy appendages, her arms were constrained by Blobby’s tentacle. His tight grip prevented the child from attacking.
Another tentacle moved to intercept Tasha as she fell, but it missed by the slightest distance as Tasha tapped her interface. Instantly, her full suit of spider silk armor replaced her t-shirt and jeans. Her gunblade—Grasscutter—appeared in her outstretched hand as she dropped.
At her current speed and trajectory, she’d overshoot Pan and fall right into the creature’s maw. Not again. She gritted her teeth. She wasn’t getting eaten again. Three times before she’d been partially devoured, and she had no interest in repeating the wholly unpleasant experience.
Though she was still airborne, her double-jump ability allowed her to leap while already airborne. She’d brought it to a high enough level to jump twice.
She kicked with her right foot, and a shimmering blue platform appeared at her feet. She pushed away from it, propelling herself toward the tentacle which held Pan. Then the tentacle changed direction, lowering itself toward the creature’s mouth. Tasha jumped again, slamming herself into Blobby’s oily tentacles. She nearly slid off, but she impaled the tentacle with her gunblade. She pulled the gunblade’s trigger just in time to deal boosted impact damage.
Tasha Singleton (Level 36) deals 1.25 damage to Blobby Bjorstum (Level 75)
“Yeowch!” Blobby flailed its tentacles every which way. Though it threatened to come loose, Tasha kept a strong grip on her gunblade. Blobby’s tentacle spun in the air, waving Pan and Tasha like tiny flags. The blade began to slip, so she wrapped her legs around the noodly appendage, holding the blade in place until she pulled it free and stabbed again, and again, and again. She’d only done five damage, barely a chip in the beast’s massive collection of heart containers, but she was doing damage. She deactivated her gravity shift skill to cut off its continuous mana drain.
She’d hoped to sever its tentacle, but wasn’t cutting deep enough. She stabbed furiously until a second tentacle slammed into her, knocking her into the air. She double jumped back toward the tentacle, but the second tentacle had wrapped itself around the damaged area, protecting it from her strikes.
“A morsel that bites back, how distressingly unappetizing. Into my gullet go you both! Digestion hooooo!”
She slid down its tentacle toward its terminal point, which was holding Pan. The tentacle now reached inside the creature’s maw. If either of them came loose, that would be it.
The tentacle released Pan, but Tasha was already there. She grabbed the girl’s arm with her left hand, right hand firmly gripping her gunblade.
“T…t…Tasha!”
“Pan, are you okay?”
“No, of c…course I’m not okay! He’s g…going to eat me!”
“I mean can you still summon?”
