CPC-02. Couch Potato Crisis, page 49
part #2 of Couch Potato Chronicles Series
Though she no longer had the Orb of Fire, a few well placed lightning blasts were more than enough to take down such weak enemies.
As she was about to resume her journey into the heart of the forest, a figure appeared before her.
It was a man with elven ears. The mask he wore caused the light to bend around his face, obscuring it. “She actually did it. Tasha defeated the fearsome Queen Murderjoy.” The man’s voice sounded distorted and mechanical.
Murderjoy narrowed her eyes. “I know who you are. You’re that Knight of Entropy I keep hearing about. You’ve made a grave miscalculation if you think someone as weak as you can defeat me.”
“Tasha already defeated you when she took your Orb of Fire.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Murderjoy. “Tasha’s keeping the orb to return to me later.”
Laughter and a gruff voice rang out behind her. “You fool.”
She turned to see a large orc wielding a warhammer. “Tash-Ah has placed you under a charm spell, and you don’t even know it.”
Murderjoy rolled her eyes. “That’s impossible. I’ve known Tasha my entire life.”
“It’s pointless to argue with someone under a charm spell,” said The Knight of Entropy. “Just take her into custody.”
An elven woman stepped out from where she’d been hiding in the trees. “As you command.” She aimed a large gun at the queen’s neck and pulled the trigger. A magic resisting collar flew out and closed itself around Murderjoy’s neck.
Murderjoy tried to cast a fireball, but instead crumbled onto the ground, writhing as the collar absorbed the mana from her spell. Taking so much damage at once was enough to dispel the charm debuff.
“You understand now, don’t you?” He crouched before her prone form. “The time of mankind is over. For whatever time Etheria has left, elves will rule over humans. You, like all Zhakarans, will be fully drained of your levels and spend the rest of your lives in servitude to elves.”
“But…we almost won,” she protested. “We were so close.”
Kegan nodded. “General Borgrim, see to it this human is delivered to Ironfall and registered at a save point. It’s time for her to experience the pain and despair she’s brought to so many others. But take care. Don’t assume she can’t escape from that collar.”
“You got it, sir.” Borgrim dismounted his raptor and approached the prone woman who still convulsed from the shock. He held her down and bound her in a pair of manacles. Ironfall was a two day journey if they rode at full speed.
Queen Murderjoy’s reign as queen of Zhakara had ended.
Epilogue
Tasha and the rest of her party waited at the save point for Princess Kiwistafel to resurrect. After everything that had passed between them in the last hour, this meeting made her nervous. Would she still be angry? As the minutes ticked by, they stood in silence. Tasha grew more and more restless—so much so, she began pacing back and forth, layering the snow with footprints.
After the humans had vacated the camp, elven soldiers moved in to secure it. Tasha ignored them. She had more important concerns on her mind.
Captain K’her broke the silence. “Tasha, I believe I’ve satisfied the terms of our contract. Do ye agree?”
Tasha paused, but finally nodded. “Yes. One way or another, Kiwi will be returned to us. That’s what I asked. Without you, this wouldn’t have been possible.”
“I’m glad ye agree with me. In that case, I’ll be on me way.”
“What will you do now?” asked Tasha.
“I’ll return to McBreakfast Sandwiches to collect me crew before I leave. The first step is finding ourselves a new airship. I intend to restore the Noálin Pirate Group to its former glory.”
Tasha extended her hand. “Best of luck.”
K’her shook her hand before leaving.
As he walked away, Tasha called out, “K’her! Before you leave, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”
He paused. “Why do ye delay me from me business, Tasha?”
She approached him. “We’ve fought together, traveled together, and faced adversity together. I’ve come to consider you a friend.”
Captain K’her said, “I have little use for friends. They be little but unprofitable distractions. If nothing else, I agreed with Murderjoy in that respect. Let us say instead that we are allies.”
Tasha nodded. “This is a sensitive topic. It’s about the Orb of Air.”
The captain narrowed his eyes, “What about it?”
“It’s just that I think I’ve figured out what the elemental orbs really are. They aren’t what you think.”
He frowned. “I know what they are. The orbs be artifacts placed here by the Aire and align themselves with one particular user. That, and they give ye the ability to use strong elemental magic. What else could they be?”
She leaned in and smiled. “I’m not from this world. I have a perspective that natives of Etheria lack. I’ve read my father’s notes and studied Etherian history, and I’m convinced the orbs are villian generators.”
“Villain generators?” There was uncertainty in his voice. “Why would ye think such a thing?”
“This world, everything about it, is structured to act like a role-playing video game. I don’t know why the Aire did it, but they’ve altered this world to operate according to game logic. The Aire, the gods of this world, seem to enjoy watching humans, elves, and Players play out our roles. We’re performers in some sort of cosmic Let’s Play, and the Aire are the audience.”
“Arrr, you mean like one of those games you showed me on yer phone?” K’her nodded. “That seems likely. It’s hard ta see from inside this world, but what you say seems a reasonable conclusion. This world was designed to act as though it were a game fer the amusement of the Aire. But where are ye going with this?”
“Every role-playing video game I’ve played tells the story of a hero fighting against one or more central antagonists. In order to keep the story interesting, there needs to be conflict. A story without a villain would be boring, and the Aire wants to keep this amusing.”
K’her stood in thought. “So ye believe the orbs are meant to create these villains? I’m not so sure about that.”
“Just consider anyone who has ever wielded an orb. Queen Murderjoy was a tyrant who enslaved her enemies and oppressed her own people. Blobby believed that The Orb of Water was his only friend, when really it was stopping him from moving on and drove him to terrorize innocent travelers. King Dourmal used the Orb of Earth to betray his allies and close the Laundry Mountain to outsiders. The Lich Queen used the Orb of Death to slaughter thousands of innocent people, even going so far as to kill countless children. King Lakuriel Questgiver who held the Orb of Life treated humans as little more than wild animals.”
K’her Noálin shook his head. “But what about King Iolo? He’s been nothing but a benevolent ruler.”
“That’s only because he sealed the Orb of Life away in a tower in the middle of The Swamp of Most Likely Death. Had he kept the orb, it would have corrupted him, too, turning him into a tyrant just like his father.”
Captain K’her hesitated. “Tasha, I’m not a villain.”
“The people of Adreála would most definitely say that you are.”
“Aye, I suppose they would, but I didn’t do it out of malice or hate. I was only in it for the lucre.”
“Any one of those orb bearers had a reason for what they did. Murderjoy probably thought she was helping her people. That doesn’t change the fact she was a villain to her victims.”
“But…. I’m not a villain, Tasha. I’m not.”
“Who would you have been if you didn’t have the Orb of Air?”
He paused before speaking, “I would have been a fisherman o’ no renown. More than likely I would ha’ led an uninteresting life. Nobody would have known the name K’her Noálin. The orb came to me one day as I was fishing. I caught it in me nets and it attuned to me right away. That’s when I turned to piracy. It was all because of the orb.”
He frowned. “I think yer right. Without the Orb of Air, I would’na even considered killing fer profit.” K’her seemed genuinely disturbed. “What do ye think I should do?”
“Get rid of it!” said Tasha. “Give it to King Questgiver in exchange for a full pardon. With my endorsement, I’m sure he’d agree. You have your whole life ahead of you. You don’t have to continue on the path you’re on. “She narrowed her eyes. “Or if you want to restore the Noálin Pirate Group, make it into a force for good.”
“A force for good? I’m not sure ye have a proper understanding of what a pirate is.”
“It’s never too late to change. I know that from personal experience.”
“You’ve given me a lot to think about,” he said. “I shall consider yer words an give them the due weight they merit. Farewell, Tasha.” Captain K’her turned and left.
In the end, she wasn’t sure the captain would take her advice. It seemed he agreed with her theory about the purpose of the orbs, though.
She returned to the others, to wait for her friend at the camp’s save point.
Karinla observed Doctor Theodore Penfold where he lay upon the small wooden table. He coughed into his hand, over and over, wheezing uncontrollably. When he brought his hand away, there was blood.
“Is the doctor sure?” asked the spider woman Karinla. “It seems risky.”
Once the doctor stopped wheezing, he replied, “I’m sure. We have only a few health potions left, and my heart is getting worse. Entropy wants my life, but we shall deny him his prize. Begin the operation, Karinla.”
Karinla giggled lightly. “Forgive Karinla, but she is just so excited. This operation will succeed. It has to. The possibilities, doctor!”
Penfold looked at the other wooden table next to him in the small abandoned medical tent. The body of Princess Kiwistafel lay upon the wooden slab. Once per minute, the spider woman would use a healing spell to restore oxygenation to the body’s cells and restore circulatory function, just long enough to keep the body in good enough condition for the operation.
“Karinla will administer the neuro-toxin now, doctor. There may be... pain.”
The doctor nodded. The spider woman inserted a large needle into his heart and pushed the fluid in. Once his heart had stopped, she removed the orihalcum blade from her inventory and began the incision. She hated that she was forced to work in such an unsterile environment, but this was the doctor’s last chance to achieve eternal life. Without either this or a more continuous supply of health potions, he would die within the week.
After making the incision, she sliced the brain stem in one lateral motion, detaching it from his human spinal cord and severing the various connections linking the doctor’s brain to his body. She carried the brain to the corpse of the elven woman laying on the table. She’d already opened the woman’s skull in preparation.
Once she placed Penfold’s brain into Kiwistafell’s cranium, she aligned the brain stem with the corpse’s elven spinal cord. She fused it into place with enchanted surgical adhesive that would disappear as the tissue healed, then quickly stitched the skull shut.
Until then, she’d been holding as much mana as she could. There were no assistants to help bombard the patient with cure spells; there was only her. She picked up the Orb of Life—she’d taken it from the site of the battle while nobody was looking—and placed it in the corpse’s open palm. It didn’t respond to the dead body, but she didn’t expect it to. The subject had to be alive for any resonance to take place.
Gathering her courage, Karinla cast her most powerful healing spell. It consumed all her remaining mana. If this didn’t work, there was no further recourse, but the spell should’ve been enough to fuse the corpse’s brain into the spinal column and seal the resulting creature’s cranium into place.
As she cast, the elven woman’s eyes shot open and she screamed. Not wanting to alert the elven troops outside the tent, Karinla placed her hand over the woman’s mouth. She looked at the spider queen and nodded. Karinla removed her hand.
“Doctor, is it you?”
“Ka…. rin…. la….”, whispered the woman. “Pain…. So much pain.”
Karinla let out a relieved sigh. “But Doctor Penfold is alive. You are alive!”
The woman on the table gave her a confused look. “Yes. I…. live!!!”
The Orb of Life in his hand glowed, resonating with Penfold’s—or was it Kiwistafell’s— body. It filled Penfold with healing energy.
Kiwi-Penfold sat up. “The pain is much less now.” She pushed her leg off the table. Karinla helped Kiwi-Penfold to her feet.
“I have control of the Orb of Life! The pain is gone. I’m truly immortal.” Penfold said. “Karinla, we did it!”
Karinla was in awe. The body Penfold’s brain inhabited looked exactly like Princess Kiwi, except all of her hair had been removed for the procedure. She held the Orb of Life over her head, and light filled the room. By placing his mind in Kiwistafel’s dead body, he’d taken her place as the bearer of the Orb of Life. And soon, they would share this gift of immortality with all of mankind.
The flash of light lasted only a moment, as Kiwi came back to life. Tasha, Hermes, Ari, Pan, and Slimon stood before her, each seeming full of apprehension, but none so much as Kiwi herself. Tasha stepped forward and approached her.
“Tasha, I’m so—” she started.
“No, I’m sorry,” said Tasha. “It was my fault. Everything that happened was because of me. I’m so, so sorry, Kiwi.”
She embraced Tasha in a hug. “I was so cold, and my heart felt as though it was empty and without love. Everything about me was wrong. It wasn’t me, Tasha, it wasn’t me.”
“I know, but it’s all over now. You can go home.”
“But how can things go back to the way they were after everything that passed between us?”
“I don’t know. Maybe they can’t, but we can try to make things better.”
They released one other from their mutual embrace and stepped down from the save point platform together. Kiwi ran to Slimon. “Oh, Slimon, I’m so sorry for what I said. Please forgive me. I never want to leave your side.”
“Don’t be sad, my love. You weren’t yourself,” said Slimon.
Kiwi held her breath, her jaw hanging open.“Did you just... speak?” she asked.
“I took Blobby’s voice box. I thought I could ooze it to talk. How deeew I sound?”
Three baby slimes peeked out from behind Slimon and hopped around Kiwi. “Oh, Slimon, they’re adorable! Can we keep them?”
Everyone gushed about how happy they were to have her back. Pan spent the next half hour filling her in on the details. When everyone was ready, Tasha gathered them together in a circle and used her warp ability to return everyone to Castle Brightwind.
It was the middle of winter, and the lightly falling snow added to the already thick blanket of white covering the elven forest village of Elanwîer. The trees, the frozen lakes, the homes built high in the trees, everything was smaller than Fin remembered from his childhood. His heart trembled at the sight of this place he once called home.
He glanced at Mara, who smiled as they walked the forest path. He felt the eyes of unseen elven guards watching him.
Twinklebottom stuck her head out from Mara’s pocket. “This is your home?”
Fin took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It’s been so long, and I’ve changed so much. Everything looks familiar, yet I feel like a stranger.”
Mara took his hand. “It’ll be okay. As long as we stay together, everything will be okay.”
As they walked in silence through the village center, other elves watched him as they passed. His ears perked up at the mutterings of the villagers he passed.
“Shóme nór ël?”
“Ni've shóme ël!”
“Túl tat melno! Shóme kós?”
“What are they saying?” Mara asked.
Fin swallowed. “They’re speaking Elvish. They want us to leave. They’re calling us outsiders.”
An elven man approached and spoke English. “We don’t like strangers in our village. See about your business and get out before there’s trouble.”
Trista frowned. “Your village seems less welcoming than how you described it.”
Fin stopped walking. “Nobody recognizes me,” said Fin. “But why would they? To their eyes, I seem an outsider. It was so long ago when I called this place home. We…we should go.”
Mara said, “Why? You’ve told me so much about this place. Why leave now, big brother? Ignore them.”
“Look at them—at their faces. I don’t belong here anymore. I was stupid to think I could ever go home.”
“You’re overreacting,” said Trista. “I’m sure they’re nice people. You need to tell them who you are.”
“What if my family doesn’t recognize me? N…no. This was a big mistake. Mara, let’s go.” He turned back the way they came.
Before he could take his third step, he locked eyes with a tall elven woman with mid-length brown hair done into braids. She carried a ceramic pot filled with water. She dropped it, and it broke against the cobblestone road.
She stared open-mouthed, her eyes wide, her task forgotten. Fin took an apprehensive step toward her. The woman muttered, “Ah i mil…shóm ël…Fingaerion?”
“It’s me, mom,” Fingaerion said. “I…I’m home.”
The woman rushed toward him and embraced him. Mara watched from a distance, but Fin beckoned her toward him. She drew closer until Fin pulled her into the embrace. He ignored the gathering crowds. They didn’t matter. Nothing mattered but his family.
He’d been gone, trapped in the hellish land of Zhakara for so long. For a long time, he was afraid things would never again be as good as the memory of his mother’s loving embrace. At that moment, however, his world was good and right once more. Fingaeron had come home.
As they passed through the castle gates, Queen Kiwano raced down the stairwell as they approached. “Kiwi, my baby!” She embraced her daughter, who fell into her arms. Both their eyes were full of tears. A message prompt appeared in Tasha’s field of view:
