CPC-02. Couch Potato Crisis, page 40
part #2 of Couch Potato Chronicles Series
But here I am, rambling like the old man I am. I wish you could have met her, Tasha. Maybe one day, you’ll have the chance.
Excerpt from Jak’s Diary, Year 30, Macaroon 15th
Kiwi blinked her eyes and gradually sat up. The last thing she remembered was falling asleep in her dark cell. As she awakened, she found she lay in a large bed covered by a heavy quilt.
Sunlight shone through the large open balcony window. Where was she? Had someone brought her here while she slept?
Someone had changed her clothes. A silk nightgown had replaced the dingy grey rags she’d worn through countless short lives. She stood from the bed and approached the balcony, pushing the glass doors open as she stepped outside and discovered she occupied the top floor of a large tower overlooking a castle city. She glanced at her map, which indicated she was located in Bastion, the capital city of Zhakara and home to Queen Murderjoy.
Entropy flew overhead, far above the clouds, now visible even in the light of day. The grim sliver of reflected light was so much larger than Kiwi remembered, though it had been so long since she last saw the sky.
A knock came at the chamber door. She retreated from the balcony and opened the door slowly. A human maid stood on the other side, seeming startled before she bowed her head lightly and spoke. “Princess Kiwistafel, please come downstairs. A breakfast has been prepared for you.”
Kiwi worked to exude a level of confidence she didn’t entirely feel. “Why was I brought here? What are the queen’s intentions?”
The maid bowed again. “My name is Ming, and I’ve been assigned to you. Please let me know if you have any needs I might help you with. Her Majesty Queen Aralynn Murderjoy will meet with you once you have eaten. You’ll find your belongings in a chest by the bed.”
Kiwi thought it strange her enemies would treat her with such deference. Even stranger still was that they were giving her back her belongings. She wasn’t being treated like a slave or even a prisoner of war.
She approached the chest and undid the latch. The maid hadn’t lied. Everything she had in her inventory had been placed into this chest. A few trash-tier items were missing, as were the foodstuffs which wouldn’t survive long outside someone’s inventory, but all of her clothing, equipment, and tools were there.
She retrieved and placed each of her items back into her inventory. Choosing a regal blue dress, she equipped it and it materialized over her body as her nightgown vanished back into her inventory. To the maid, she said, “I’ll be down shortly, Ming. You may go.”
The maid bowed and left without another word. Kiwi spent the next half hour fixing her hair and applying make-up before leaving. Two guards stood at attention in the hallway outside her chamber. As she approached the stairs at the end of the hallway, one of them accompanied her.
So she was still a prisoner, merely a well-treated one. She’d never believed otherwise.
Breakfast was a light affair consisting of eggs, bacon, and an assortment of confections. The best part of the meal was the pumpkin spice latte. After being kidnapped, she’d nearly missed out on her favorite seasonal beverage.
She ate by herself, but she was far from alone. Servants and guards surrounded her the entire time, though they tried to be subtle about it.
Hesitant to keep the human queen waiting, she finished her meal quickly and stood. Led from the dining room by Ming, Kiwi followed her down several stairwells, then out of the tower completely. They crossed a courtyard to Queen Murderjoy’s castle.
Unlike Brightwind Keep, Murderjoy’s castle was simple and utilitarian. The elven citadel was designed with esthetics in mind. It’s defense relied on sorcery and the aid of Snickers, the eidolon of mischief. Castle Bastion, however, had several layers of walls that encircled the main citadel. Anti-aircraft guns sat mounted at strategic locations around the castle exterior, providing defense against airships, dragons, and other flying creatures.
Kiwi was led through several gates and up a set of stairs to the queen’s official meeting chamber. Dozens of guards stood at attention, and several other counselors were also in attendance.
Princess Kiwistafel approached one of the counselors. “Gelkorus? Why have you brought me here?”
He bowed his head before responding. “Princess, the queen wishes a private audience with you. Whether you go free or remain a prisoner depends on the outcome.”
“I will not betray my people,” she said. “Surely the queen knows this.”
Before he could offer a response, the doors at the far end of the hall opened, admitting Queen Murderjoy. Other than their brief but violent encounter at the pub where she’d been captured, Kiwi’s only encounter with the queen had been their battle at the Spiral Tower those many months ago.
The queen wore a plain, parted black dress, which contrasted dramatically with the absurdly large and needlessly ornate circular headpiece she wore. The queen wasn’t a young woman, but neither was she especially old. She was at the midpoint of her life.
The human counselors excused themselves and left the chamber, giving the queen and the princess some privacy. The guards remained, a fact that didn’t surprise Kiwi.
The queen approached. “Princess Kiwistafel Questgiver. We meet at last. Have you been well treated?”
The princess frowned. “I’ve been killed. Repeatedly.”
Aralynn looked annoyed. “I meant since arriving in my castle. I’m sorry we had to kill you so many times, but that was necessary.”
“Your goal, was it to adjust my personality?”
“It was.”
“Why was it...necessary?”
Aralynn paused. “You have a sharp mind, princess, but it was clouded by emotion and love. It was necessary to purge you of these characteristics, and resurrection was the only way to accomplish that.”
“My thoughts were clouded by love?”
“Quite. Love compels fools to act contrary to their own best interests. You loved your people and didn’t wish to see them hurt.”
“I still don’t,” said Kiwi. “I won’t betray my people. They are my responsibility.”
“And I would never ask you to. What I have in mind is in their long term interest.”
Kiwi paused. “What do you want from me?”
“I want you to help me end the conflict between elves and humans, forever.”
“We were already at peace, your highness.”
“A peace such as that could never last. Do you really think Questgivria will stand by while we keep their people as slaves? As things stand, reconciliation between our two nations is impossible.”
Kiwi thought a moment. “You’re not wrong, but, in that case why not just outlaw slavery? Expand your one law to include non-humans.”
The queen shook her head. “That wouldn’t be enough to quell the anger of the elves. If I ended slavery and your people were released, they would demand retribution. Your kind live forever, and have memories spanning centuries.”
“Are you saying there can be no peace between us?”
“No.” The queen sat at one of the chairs and signaled for the princess to do likewise. “There can be peace. If Questgivria surrenders and agrees to follow Zhakaran law, I will end the practice of slavery and adjust Zhakaran Law to include elves.”
Kiwi processed the queen’s words and squinted. “What’s my part in this new world order?”
Murderjoy said, “Once the world is united under Zhakaran dominion, you’ll take your father’s place and become the queen of the elves, answerable only to me. All I ask in return is your help bringing this war to a swift conclusion.”
“So you do want me to betray my people.”
“It’s not a betrayal. Think about it critically. Every generation, humans grow more numerous. The only thing that held our population back before was the Lich Queen. Without her, there’s no check on our numbers. Elves, in contrast, have a stagnant population. As we capture your people, your active population dwindles. There will come a point where our population exceeds yours by a wide margin. It might take generations, but it will happen. Humanity’s victory over elvenkind is inevitable, so why not bring it to an end now and prevent needless suffering?”
“But…”
“You say you care about your people, that you’re responsible for them. Then you must make the hard choice.”
Neither of the women said anything for a long moment. Eventually, the queen asked, “Am I wrong? Can you find any fault in my logic?”
Kiwi shook her head. “If I help you, my people will never forgive me.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing. Ruling by fear is far more effective than expecting your people to love you. And the wisest among your people, the ones who matter, they’ll understand why you did it.”
She met the queen’s eyes. “What would you have me do?”
“Three things. First, I need you to become my general.”
Kiwi nodded. “Yes, I’ve received some education in strategy and tactics, but I’ve never led troops before.”
“I don’t need you to be a tactician, merely a puppet. A figurehead who does what she’s told. You’ll be a symbol of human dominance over the elves. Once the Questgivrians see their own princess leading a campaign against them, it’ll crush their spirits and diminish their will to fight.”
“You said there were three things. What’s the second?”
“We’ll attempt to recover the Orb of Life. You must use it for me. With two elemental orbs, our victory will come that much sooner.”
“And the third?”
“An Eidolon who is loyal to the Questgivrian royal family defends Castle Brightwind. As long as he’s there, any military victory against Brightwind would remain beyond our grasp.”
“You’re talking about Snickers, The Eidolon of Mischief,” said Kiwi.
The queen nodded. “Snickers has been the sole reason Zhakara has been unable to capture or destroy Brightwind Keep. When we set foot on Brightwind, summon Snickers and send him away. He’ll obey your instructions. Without his defense, it would only be a matter of time before the castle fell.”
“You’ve thought this through, I’ll give you that.” said Kiwi. “Just one thing. How do I know that once we win the war, you won’t change your mind about freeing my people and ending slavery?”
“You don’t. No promise I could give would mean anything to you. Only consider this.” The queen took a deep breath. “Slavery is how we remove elves from the Questgivrian population, eliminating the threat they otherwise pose as enemies. Once the war is over, my reason for doing so would no longer exist.”
“And what will happen to me if I refuse, your majesty?”
“Nothing at all, you have my word. You’ll remain my guest until the war ends, though that may take generations. I believe you’d eventually change your mind when you come to realize the inevitability of Zhakaran victory.”
“I…I need some time to consider your request.”
The queen looked disappointed. “Take your time, but know the longer our war drags on, the longer both our peoples will suffer. You’re free to wander the castle as long as you don’t attempt to escape. If you need to leave for any reason, speak to a guard.”
Kiwi bowed and left the audience chamber. Intelligence had described the Zhakaran queen as wild and insane, but that was before her defeat at the spiral tower. Aralynn’s new personality seemed one of cunning and strategy. She was more dangerous now than ever before.
Should she accept the queen’s offer? She didn’t want to, but the queen’s argument made sense. The combined might of the allied kingdoms couldn’t hope to stand against humans indefinitely. Did the war simply drag out the inevitable?
A small part of her worried what her friends would think if she joined Aralynn. Before now, her loyalty to her father would’ve been enough to nix any possibility of colluding with their enemy. That part of her now lay dormant, however.
Ming accompanied her back to her room, keeping a respectful distance the entire time. When Kiwi arrived at her chamber door, she dismissed the maid and entered, shutting the chamber door behind her. She sat at the side of her bed, her hands covering her eyes. They were going to hate her for this. Her father was going to hate her. And what would Slimon say? Would he still want to be with her, knowing what she’d done.
For the next week, she remained in her chambers, leaving only for meals. She knew what she needed to do—what logic demanded of her—but lacked the resolve to do it.
On the seventh day, her tears spent, she approached the vanity’s large mirror. Her eyes were still red and bloodshot.
She opened her inventory, which was visible before her, though it cast no reflection in the vanity’s mirror. She tapped the silver dagger’s icon with one hand to have it appear in her other.
The handle was engraved with elvish designs and the blade was engraved with a spell to enhance the blade’s sharpness. She tested the point of the blade by pricking her finger. A small dot of blood appeared. This would do the job. She held the blade inward against her heart.
Just die now. If she resurrected, she’d become someone similar to who she’d been before. Certainly not the kind of person who’d consider betraying everyone she cared about. Not someone who would shame her father. Not someone who would disgust Sir Slimon. She might be a prisoner, but at least she’d still be herself. Should she die and remain Kiwistafel, or live and become the queen’s puppet?
She kept coming back to the logic of Aralynn’s words. Her people were fighting an unwinnable war. She might escape or be rescued, but then what? Eventually, humans would overwhelm her people by sheer force of numbers. It was an inevitable outcome no amount of wishful thinking could overcome.
Instead, she had another use for the silver blade. She pulled her beautiful hip-length green hair over her shoulder and cut it short. Even with the sharpness spell on the knife, it took a while to saw off her hair, strand by strand. Once the last pieces of her long, beautiful green hair hit the floor, she worked to shape what remained, cropping the uneven parts away.
She looked in the mirror. Her hair no longer reached as far as her shoulders. What little remained was a faint echo of how lovely it had once been.
She left the room. It was time to give the queen her answer. It wouldn’t do to keep her puppeteer waiting.
Chapter 27
Knight of the Metal Joints
Hermes looked over the airship railing. “We there yet?”
“It won’t be long,” said Mister Malarkey. “Based on the coordinates, our destination lies in that mountain range. We’ll be there in under half an hour.”
Tasha frowned. “So Penfold’s lab is somewhere in those mountains. Who is this Doctor Penfold person, anyway?”
Captain K’her said, “Every elf knows his name. He be a mad scientist in the employ of Queen Murderjoy. Creates weapons of mass destruction to be used in the war. Also creates unnatural amalgamations, creatures that be the fused product of men and beasts. There be whispers he’s researching human immortality, for he be far more advanced in years than is considered appropriate for humans. His time grows near and he wishes more than anything else to cheat Lord Entropy of his prize.”
Hermes removed a spyglass from his inventory and peered through it, focusing on the mountain range ahead. “There’s something familiar about that mountain range. I could swear that I’ve seen it somewhere before.”
Ari asked, “Have you been to Zhakara before?”
Hermes shook his head. “Dwarves aren’t welcome in Zhakara. Still, I know I’ve seen it before.”
The dwarf rummaged through his inventory before producing a large tome he set on a conveniently placed barrel. He leafed through it until he found the page it appeared he’d been looking for.
“What you’re looking at are the Mines of Bahg Taldur, an ancient dwarven mine from the time when dwarves still lived on the southern continent.”
Ari said, “Then I think we can assume Doctor Penfold took up residence in the mines. That book doesn’t have a map of the mines, does it?”
The dwarf shook his head. “Afraid not. It’s been hundreds of years since the dwarves abandoned these mines and fled to the hills of Dwarselvania. The humans had grown too numerous, and the dwarves of Bagh Taldur couldn’t defend against the human onslaught.”
Fin muttered, “Violent and greedy humans. Now there’s a shocker.”
Ari ignored the boy. “Does the book give us any information about what we might be facing?”
Hermes flipped the page. There were several illustrations, but the text was dwarven, and Tasha lacked the ability to decipher it.
“Aye. The mines go deep, but we’ll most likely find the Doctor’s labs in the upper levels, near the residential quarter.”
“Anything else?”
“No, but I can’t shake the feeling there’s something I’m forgetting about Bahg Taldur. Something important.” The dwarf held his breath, then blew it out in a sigh. “Whelp, never mind. I’m sure it’ll come to me eventually.”
“Well, that’s not ominous in any way,” Tasha muttered.
Ari asked, “How do we get in? The Front door?”
Hermes nodded. “It doesn’t say anything about secret passages, if that’s what you’re asking. We’ll have to take the direct approach.”
K’her ordered the airship lower until it hovered just above the ground. Malarkey took another swig of grog from his hip flask. “There’s nowhere for us to set down. We’ll have to drop you off and wait here.”
“Take care of my ship while we’re gone, Mister Malarkey.” K’her patted the gnome on the back.
“Aye captain.”
Doctor Penfold sat at his desk, sifting through a stack of test results. Deirdre approached him. “Master, I’ve just received word an airship is situated over us. Six adventurers have entered the mountain. We should move you into the panic room.”
Penfold frowned. “Nonsense. Why should I be concerned about a handful of adventurers?”
