Polyamory, page 7
We looked at relationship structures as well. The majority of our respondents were in primary/secondary relationships; however, the second largest group was people in family structures, in which all participants participate equally in decision-making. The remainder were in some variety of nonhierarchical relationships. My sense from what I observe clinically is that this is shifting throughout time. I still see more primary/secondary relationships than any other form, but I notice increasing numbers of nonhierarchical relationships in my practice.
Nick and I also asked people why they were polyamorous, offering a list of possible reasons and asking them to choose all that applied. The following are the reasons people selected for being polyamorous, ranked from most to least popular:
It’s just the way I am
Desire for more intimacy/closeness
Freedom/independence
Desire for more variety in partners
Philosophical reasons
Desire for other kinds of sex/sex practices
Desire for sex with another gender
Desire for more sex
It just happened and I went with it
My partner wanted to explore polyamory
Other
Protection from being alone
Religious reasons
By far, the winning response was, “It is just the way I am,” which implies that, for many polyamorous people, polyamory is a congruent expression of an aspect of their identity. Few respondents selected protection from being alone or religious reasons.
Finally, we looked at intimacy. In my experience, when people are considering opening their relationship, they worry (or their friends, family, or therapists worry) that if their partner has another partner, it might reduce the intimacy they experience in the original relationship. That doesn’t appear to be true. Unfortunately, I didn’t ask respondents to compare their intimacy before opening up and after opening up, but the intimacy levels were high enough (especially in primary/original relationships) to make it unlikely that opening up diminished intimacy.
My observations of polyamorous relationships certainly bears out the idea that opening up doesn’t destroy intimacy or even diminish it. In fact, often the opposite occurs. Some studies have confirmed that some respondents report intimacy increasing after opening up, perhaps as a result of the unique benefits of the relationship structure and perhaps as a result of experiencing a congruent expression of self. I also want to note that, although intimacy levels in my study were a little lower in secondary/subsequent relationships, they were still pretty high. Secondary relationships face particular challenges, but it doesn’t appear that low intimacy is typically one of them.
WRAPPING UP
For my purposes, there are a few findings discussed here that I consider to be particularly useful to therapists. The first is the extensive overlap between polyamorous people, LGBTQIA+ people, and kinky people, which I believe suggests an important dimension of cultural competence for therapists; I discuss this in more depth in chapter 3, “Overlapping Marginalized Populations and Intersectionality.” The second is the lack of any indication that polyamorous people have any higher rates of psychopathology and attachment wounds than the general population; this finding is important because it addresses a common question therapists ask me and supports what I’ve seen in my practice: Polyamory is not a reflection of pathology, but a healthy and adaptive relationship style. The third is the finding, from my own study, indicating that many polyamorous relationships were long-lasting and had high levels of intimacy.
Research can provide us with a valuable (if limited) snapshot of what tends to exist in nature. In my therapy room, however, I’m not concerned with the statistical proportion of people who flourish or struggle in any specific relationship structure; I’m concerned about the people sitting across from me, what they want for themselves, and what’s possible for them. I’m interested in helping them craft a relationship that is tailored to their desires, beliefs, inner compass, and sense of self. From that perspective, it doesn’t matter so much if the relationship structure they’re interested in creating is statistically common or even if it’s ever existed before. It matters whether they’re excited to explore the territory; flexible enough to experiment and negotiate; and committed to warm, empathetic, honest communication about their desires, beliefs, and preferences. If that’s the case, I’m happy to help them create any kind of relationship they can imagine. Where some of those qualities are lacking, rather than tell them they cannot create the type of relationship they desire, I focus on helping them develop the skills they need to create the life they aspire to.
CHAPTER 3
Overlapping Marginalized Populations and Intersectionality
Polyamorous people comprise a marginalized population that intersects with many other marginalized populations. It is worth noting that while there is overlap, these communities are far from identical. Plenty of your clients will fall into one community and not others; however, if you work with clients in polyamorous relationships, you are certainly going to find yourself working with some people who also identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, gender nonconforming, and/or kinky, or who want to explore some of those areas or practice related behaviors. Similarly, if you work with the LGBTQIA+ and/or kink community, you will have clients who identify as polyam or want to explore polyamory. Knowing something about these populations will be helpful, in part to give you a jumping-off place for further learning and in part to help you avoid some common misunderstandings due to lack of information.
If you’re reading this book for support in your own relationship journey and you are curious about exploring diverse erotic orientations, attractions, gender identity, kink, or a fetish, this chapter covers the basics and can serve as a starting point. There are also numerous references on the topic to support your exploration, as well as supportive and informative communities.
When working with marginalized communities, it is important to remember that intersectionality is in play. Intersectionality refers to how different categories of oppression (based on race, class, gender, sexuality, ability, etc.) combine and overlap. People who are in more than one oppressed group have particular experiences of oppression greater than the sum of the parts. For instance, the discrimination experienced by black women is not just “racism plus sexism,” but a distinct form of marginalization with its own particular characteristics. That means that, to understand the marginalization your clients experience, you need to be aware of not only homophobia, transphobia, sexism, and so forth, but also how those categories overlap.
I think the most important stance for a therapist to take when working with marginalized groups is to acknowledge the marginalization and invite feedback and frank discussion in the course of the therapeutic relationship. Invite your client to talk about ways in which they feel marginalized as a result of being polyamorous, as well as being in any other marginalized group. Honor their experience and invite feedback about their experience of having a therapeutic relationship with you. Openly explore any feedback they may have for you or any experience of marginalization between you. Initiate discussion of racial differences, power dynamics, and other aspects of marginalization. As with other thorny topics, it is the therapist’s responsibility to bring it up. Most clients won’t go there, unless you make it clear you are able to have those conversations by opening the door to the topic yourself. Even if you don’t feel confident, remember that being yourself, and letting your authenticity and caring show is the ticket to a strong therapeutic relationship.
If you are the client in a therapeutic relationship, please give your therapist honest feedback about this and any other matter that is important to you. I’m sure they genuinely want to help you and know the real you. Moreover, if they can’t handle receiving feedback from a client on a topic that is this important to the therapeutic process, you definitely need a new therapist. If you are fuzzy on why, take a look at chapter 8, with special attention to the topic of differentiation. It is commonly accepted that a therapist can’t help a client achieve a level of differentiation they themselves have not yet achieved; it is possible that you might outgrow your therapist in the differentiation department. Hopefully this does not become the case, but if they don’t accept feedback well, that is a red flag. Meeting your relationship goals will probably include leveling up in the differentiation department; find a therapist who can help you achieve that.
The join between therapist and client is more important than any other factor. In fact, there’s research about this as it relates specifically to polyamory. My colleagues, Atala Mitchell and Madeline Barger, conducted a study that demonstrated that most polyamorous clients don’t feel they need a polyamorous therapist. Research participants also reported being willing to be a therapist’s first polyamorous client. Their primary desire was to have a therapist who is open to and accepting of their relationship choices, and willing to educate themselves about polyamory, rather than expecting their clients to provide their education.
That’s good news, because there certainly aren’t enough polyamorous therapists to work with all the polyamorous people who would like to have therapy. This is broadly true of marginalized populations: There generally aren’t enough in-group therapists to serve everyone in any given marginalized population, so referring to an in-group therapist isn’t usually an option. In my opinion, it isn’t necessarily the best solution even when it is possible; the understanding that comes with personal experience of being in a marginalized group is counterbalanced by the risk in-group therapists run of thinking they and their clients are more alike than they actually are. There is no therapeutic situation that doesn’t require acknowledging differences and striving for empathy; sharing a demographic doesn’t guarantee an effective shortcut for any of that.
This doesn’t mean that you should ignore differences and issues related to being different, including experiences particular to marginalization, cultural knowledge deficits on the part of the therapist, and power imbalances that affect the therapy. Developing ways to talk openly with clients, supervisors, supervisees, and colleagues about these issues is key. Much healing can come from an attuned, connected relationship that features genuine caring and curiosity, open acknowledgment of differences, and a collaborative approach. Invite and honor the experiences, perceptions, and feedback your clients offer, and you will be off to an excellent start.
In this chapter, I provide some information about working with each of the subgroups that commonly overlap with the polyamory community. My goal is to debunk a few common myths and help you avoid making potentially damaging assumptions. I want you to feel like you can get started with your intersectional polyamorous clients without already being an expert in all these areas. The world needs more polyamory-competent therapists, and right away, so please don’t wait until you’re an expert in working with all of these groups. Instead, read on, stay open and curious, model curiosity about differences and acceptance of diversity, invite feedback, accept it with grace, and go ahead and get started.
Each of these populations offer enough nuance and fascinating material to fill entire books, which is obviously beyond the scope of this chapter. I invite you to get curious and explore beyond the overview I provide here. It’s also important to note that language and knowledge about some of these populations are evolving quickly, so remember to stay open to learning more and rethinking your assumptions continually as you work with these groups. Things change fast and vary regionally for these populations; as with polyamory, I always ask my clients to describe what they mean by the labels they use rather than assume I understand. Please consider this chapter to be merely a brief introduction to overlapping marginalized populations, not a complete manual.
BDSM/KINK
If you work with polyamorous clients, you will almost certainly also be working with kinky clients, even if you don’t know it. I say “even if you don’t know it” because your clients might not come out to you as kinky. Of course, not all kinky clients are polyamorous, and not everyone who is polyamorous is kinky, but the overlap is significant enough that if you’re planning to work with polyamory, you should be prepared to work with kink, too. Because it can be difficult to find information about this population, I provide quite a bit of information about BDSM/kink, as it relates to therapy, here. For much more information including recent research about BDSM, refer to Brad Sagarin and others’ work at www.scienceofbdsm.com.
What Is BDSM/Kink?
“Kinky” describes a way of being that includes engaging in one, some, or all of multiple erotic and/or sexual practices, including, but not limited to, bondage (B), discipline (D), dominance (D), submission (S), sadism (S), masochism (M), sensation play, power play, role play, and fetishism. Kinky play encompasses a huge range of activities, from quite common and mild to quite extreme and unusual. Kinky play, like polyamory, can be experienced as an aspect of identity or simply a behavior that is enjoyable and may be practiced occasionally, situationally, often, or always. The following are just a few examples of what kink can mean to give you an idea of the range:
Restraint: Playing with handcuffs, bondage, being held down, holding someone else down, etc.
Role play: Pretending to be strangers who meet in a bar, dressing up in costume for private play at home or going out (think nurse or school girl outfit), pretending to be a different age or species, etc.
Sensation play (which can range from mild to intense): On the mild side, touching or being touched with feathers or fur and light spanking with a fuzzy paddle; on the intense side, flogging, caning, wax, needles, blood, fire, piercing, branding, etc.
Eroticizing objects, body parts, or fictional characters, for example, shoes, underwear, balloons, diapers, feet, fur, My Little Pony, etc.
Imposing relational dynamics involving power exchange, including a range of such roles as master/slave or mistress/slave relationships, and ranging from occasional play to 24/7.
Kink 101 for Therapists
There are several important things to understand about kinky play and kinky relationships.
Kink Is Not the Problem
Adults are free to engage in whatever erotic or sexual activities they want to, as long as their play is consensual and legal. Being able to help clients navigate any challenges related to kink requires that you truly understand that their erotic preferences and expressions are normal, healthy, and not an indicator of a problem. Of course, occasionally there will be a situation that is not actually healthy. Being able to discern between adaptive and maladaptive behavior is part of being an effective therapist with any population. Consider couples therapy; while we can spend a lot of time and energy strengthening the connection in couple relationships, it is also true that sometimes we see a relational dynamic that is maladaptive, and we need to be able to tell the difference and also intervene effectively. Kink is no different; you’ll need to be able to distinguish between a maladaptive, unhealthy dynamic and a perfectly normal, perfectly healthy expression of sexuality. When it comes to kink, the line between adaptive and maladaptive often boils down to consent. This chapter provides a lot of information about the nuances of consent and how to help in complicated situations.
If you are still in doubt about the normalcy of the kinky play your clients are engaging in, get supervision or talk to a consultant who specializes in BDSM/kink. Being able to normalize kink is a requirement of working with this population, but being able to intervene, if needed, is part of being an effective therapist for any population. Get the support you need to feel comfortable, confident, and competent as you enter new areas of specialty.
Kink Isn’t a Sign of Pathology
There is no evidence that kinky people have more or less psychopathology than other sectors of the population. Read that again, because this is the biggest misconception I encounter. Wanting to engage in even intense forms of sensation play, dominance, submission, fetishism, or any other kink isn’t an indication of past trauma, attachment wounds, or other psychopathology.
Assuming that there is a connection or there must be psychopathology underlying or resulting from a person’s kinky behavior or identity is a form of marginalization. Therapists communicating this belief to their clients is the primary way I have gotten my kinky clients; they have left the therapist with whom they felt marginalized and sought out one who is accepting of diverse sexual practices and can help them think through the things that are important to them, like consent, negotiation, and creating strong relationships, without getting distracted by a passing mention of dramatic erotic practices.
That said, of course there are kinky people who have depression, anxiety, attachment wounds, trauma histories, and every other issue you would encounter in the general population, That’s simply because kinky people are a part of the general population and are dealing with the same problems everyone else is.
Consent Is an Important Part of Kink
