Polyamory, page 3
The friends and community members who are willing to connect with me now and then as time allows deserve special appreciation. As many before me have noted, writing a book takes time, and I haven’t yet worked out the balance of things to my satisfaction. I know it, and you know it. Let’s have tea soon.
Finally, a book requires an audience. Thank you so much for being curious enough about some aspect of polyamory to pick up this book and read it. I hope it benefits you and those you care about. I am continually humbled by the international community of therapists who read, share, digest, interact with, respond to, and support my work. Please keep telling me how I can best help and support you in your work, and in your relationships, because the world needs you to express your gifts.
Introduction
CAN POLYAMORY REALLY WORK?
The most common question therapists and clients ask me about polyamory is, “Have you ever actually seen a polyamorous relationship that works for more than just a few months?” I hope you get a lot from this book. But if you could only take away one thing, I’d want it to be this: Polyamory absolutely can work. There are lots of healthy, happy polyamorous relationships that are functioning well, both with and without therapy. These are healthy relationships in every sense of the term: They are fulfilling and joyful, enriched by deep intimacy, and supported by a strong sense of teamwork. In my experience, it’s just not true that monogamy is necessary for true intimacy or long-term relationship success. Just like monogamous relationships, some polyamorous relationships last for a short time and some for a long time, and many polyamorous relationships succeed for the long haul.
In addition to my clinical experience, I also have many friends and some family members who are in consensually open relationships, most of which are functioning very well. A developing body of research bears out my experience, demonstrating that polyamory is a valid relationship structure, with happy and satisfied participants, longevity, deep intimacy, and secure attachment.
There are also polyamorous relationships that are struggling. Just like many struggling monogamous relationships, many of these just need a skillful therapist to flourish. If you are a therapist, counselor, or relationship coach, that can be you. All you need is a little background information, a willingness to work with people who craft unique relationships to suit their individual needs, and a set of go-to strategies for conceptualizing cases and tackling the problems that commonly come up in therapy with polyamorous clients and relationships. That’s where this book comes in.
I divide my time between training and consulting for therapists and seeing clients in my own practice. Most of my clients don’t hear me describing how I do therapy, and most of the therapists I train don’t hear me working with clients; this book crosses the line in both directions.
It may seem like this book is primarily directed toward therapists, but it describes strategies and concepts I use regularly with my clients. I love being a therapist because I love helping people identify their goals, dreams, and aspirations, and then support the change process as they move toward creating the life they desire, including grappling with challenges and personal blocks when they arise. Helping people create happiness and joyful relational connections is extremely satisfying. When I teach therapists, I am doing the same job, but on a different level. The material is the same; the audience and goals are a little different.
There are a lot of little moments in therapy that can seem like magic when done well. The biggest risk to reading this book from a client perspective is that peeking behind the curtain might make the process seem a little less magical. That said, I see no reason why you shouldn’t be able to work the magic without having a therapist present, and if you choose to do so, I think that is fabulous, and it is the reason I wrote this book for both audiences.
If you are a therapist, coach, or helping professional, are you intimidated by the prospect of working with polyamorous clients? Do you worry you don’t know enough or won’t be able to help? Do you have questions about the variety of consensual nonmonogamies and how to approach related issues? Is it hard for you to wrap your head and heart around this alternative relationship style because of your personal history or belief system? Do you lack a strong therapeutic plan for working with common polyamorous relationship challenges? Have you had some clients in consensually open relationships and felt a little uncertain where to start or how to structure therapy, or encountered challenges you didn’t know how to handle? Have you had some polyamorous clients and been overwhelmed by the complexity of the relationship systems? Do you lack the resources, worksheets, and exercises that might help you and your clients? If you answered yes to any of these questions, this book is written especially for you.
If you have a lot of experience working with polyamorous and other ethically nonmonogamous relationships, you may find you don’t have enough support for your work, and could use a deep dive into how another therapist conceptualizes cases and works with expectable challenges with nontraditional relationships and marginalized populations. If this describes you, I wrote this book for you, too.
If you are reading this book as a support for your own personal relationship(s), you might have questions and information needs that are not so different from the therapists. Few people have many great role models of well-functioning polyamorous relationships, not because they don’t exist, but because many are closeted. When you can’t see or imagine something, it can be difficult to achieve it.
This book is intended to be a practical guide. It’s designed to serve as a full toolkit for tackling both the most common and the most complicated situations that are likely to arise with open-relationship structures. I hope to address your concerns about polyamory by giving you the in-depth information and solid strategies you need to move forward with confidence. By the time you turn the last page, I hope that you’ll feel capable and confident, and supported, whatever your own personal connection to polyamory might be.
WHY POLYAMOROUS CLIENTS MAY BE YOUR BEST CLIENTS EVER
Before I start sharing techniques for how to work with polyamorous clients, I want to explain why I think you might want to develop the skills to work with this population. The long and short of it is that I love working with polyamorous clients, and I think you will too.
People in polyamorous relationships are breaking out of the monogamy mold and creating unique, carefully crafted, intentional relationships based on the needs and desires of those involved and no one else. There is no template to follow, relatively little research or guidance, and plenty of cultural stigma to contend with, and there are few visible role models. Despite this, many polyamorous people still manage to craft strong relationships. That takes an impressive and unusual set of qualities: strength, courage, vision, caring, and substantial relationship skills.
I’m a great believer in individuality, authenticity, and transparency. I have never fit comfortably into any mold. I’ve rebelled against most labels and boxes my entire life. I strongly believe outside-of-the-box thinkers and relationship pioneers deserve every chance to thrive. They deserve a place in our society, they deserve to live and love in the absence of stigma, and they certainly deserve excellent therapy and relationship support when they seek it.
Polyamory culture strongly values communication, transparency, consent, and personal growth. As a result, even if your polyamorous clients aren’t yet great at communicating or being transparent (after all, there’s a reason they’re in your office), they are likely to believe that building those skills is worthwhile and be willing to challenge themselves and invest the time and effort to grow in those areas. This is a population that generally acknowledges that therapy can be a big help in navigating relationship complexities. Imagine what your practice would look like if all of your clients started out with this perspective.
Here’s something else I love about working with polyamorous clients: It’s never boring. In fact, it can sometimes be quite complicated, because there are multiple people, needs, desires, and feelings involved. I love working with self-aware, motivated clients, and I relish the challenge of sorting through complex relationships and interesting dilemmas. I also love generating individually crafted solutions that are somewhat outside of the cultural mold.
But the most important reason I love working with polyamorous clients is that I believe in the viability of polyamory. I have seen polyamory work so well, so many times, that I think it should be part of our cultural narrative about relational possibilities. While that may take some time to accomplish, I see no reason whatsoever that therapists shouldn’t include polyamory in our narrative about relational possibilities. This is not to say I think every polyamorous relationship is a healthy one or that monogamy is bad. It’s just that I’ve seen it work so well that I can’t discount it as an option. Consider: Would you rather have complicated cases and highly motivated clients or clients with low motivation who don’t believe in transparency and instead come to you for infidelity? I’m clear on which I prefer.
There’s another important reason why you might want to work with polyamorous clients: They need you. There are far too few therapists who are qualified to work with polyamory. In fact, many polyamorous people complain that it’s prohibitively difficult to find a polyamory-friendly therapist. In part, that’s because of a persistent belief that polyamory is an unworkable relationship structure. Several leaders in the field of psychotherapy have taken open stands against polyamory, stating that it isn’t healthy and can’t function well or asserting that polyamorists are essentially sex addicts. Although some of these leaders have since recanted, the sentiment lingers. Add to that the huge amount of misinformation and bias this marginalized group experiences, and you can begin to see why polyamorous people might be a little cautious when choosing a relationship therapist.
Most of my clients come to me via word of mouth. My experience has shown me that, once you demonstrate that you are open to working with polyamory and back up that willingness with cultural competence, the clients will come. This means that you will be not only working with delightful clients who value relationship skills, transparency, and therapy, but also setting yourself apart from other therapists in your area at the same time.
WHAT YOU’LL NEED TO BECOME A POLYAMORY-COMPETENT THERAPIST
When it comes down to it, if you are a practicing coach, counselor, or therapist working with individuals, you likely already have most of the basic skills you need to work with polyamorous clients. Polyamorous clients are just people, and polyamorous relationships are a lot like any other relationships. It will also serve you well if you have some skill and additional training in working with couples and relationships, as relational therapy is very different from individual therapy.
So, what sets working with polyamorous clients apart? Even though you probably have most of the essential skills for working with polyamorous relationships, there are still a few missing pieces of the puzzle for most therapists. This book is designed to provide you with those missing pieces and fill in some gaps with relational therapy skills as well.
The first piece is cultural competence working with consensually nonmonogamous people. Most therapy and coaching training programs don’t provide specific information on this topic. Even if you have the perspective that polyamory is a workable relationship structure, it can be difficult to get a good education about polyamory and consensual nonmonogamy, and even more difficult to find therapy-specific information. In addition, consensually nonmonogamous people are a marginalized population, which means that misconceptions, negative stereotypes, and misinformation are all too common.
On top of that, not all training programs take into account the complex relational dynamics and multiple systems that surround all relationships. Much therapy training focuses on linear processes rather than systemic dynamics, and I find a systemic perspective to be crucial when working with any relational system. Also, relational therapy training often focuses on attachment concerns, sometimes to the near-exclusion of differentiation. In my work, I’ve found that lack of differentiation is a common underlying source of many serious relationship problems. Developing skill in helping clients create a secure bond is very important, but having a solid understanding of how to help clients build differentiation of self as well adds a foundational piece for working effectively with all relationships. This will serve you well when working with clients whose relational connection and happiness depends on congruent communication, self-awareness, and the ability to craft good agreements—and whose relationship doesn’t depend on those things? In this book, I’ve provided a section that describes how to conceptualize cases using the perspective of the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, based on the combined concepts of attachment, differentiation, and neuroscience. I take a deep dive into differentiation of self and how to support growth in this important area. I think it will offer you additional skills and confidence that will serve you well with all your clients, polyamorous and monogamous.
BIAS, MARGINALIZATION, AND CULTURAL NORMS
As a marginalized population, polyamorous people face persistent cultural bias. Therapists aren’t immune to our culture’s messages about marriage, fidelity, and intimacy. In fact, many couples therapists and counselors have been specifically trained to believe that upholding and reinforcing these cultural norms is the most effective way to help clients have securely functioning relationships. But perpetuating this bias, particularly when it is unexamined and unconscious, excludes and further marginalizes the many thoughtful, insightful, intelligent, and unique individuals who don’t fit into that cultural box. I go more deeply into how to assess and work with your personal bias in chapter 6.
While we’re talking about bias, it’s important to mention that there is a lot of overlap between several marginalized communities. Particularly relevant to the topic of polyamory in therapy is the overlap between the polyamorous community, the BDSM/kink community, and the LGBTQ+ community. Because therapists who work with one of these populations will probably find themselves working with all of them, I discuss the overlapping marginalized populations and make treatment recommendations in chapter 3.
It is easy to see how working cross-culturally with this group may be a significant challenge for many therapists, as it requires looking closely at personal belief systems and getting clear on how to help people who may be very different from you. Happily, doing therapy with other people’s polyamorous relationships does not require that you have personal experience with polyamorous relationships. The primary requirement is simply that you believe a healthy polyamorous relationship is possible and are willing to learn a little more about it. If, after reading this book, you still have doubts, I discuss ethical considerations and scope of practice in chapter 20.
Throughout this book, I’ve included anonymous stories from polyamorous people about their relationships, told in their own voices. Some provide illustrations of how warm, loving, and flexible polyamorous relationships can be, and others offer examples of how real people have transcended some of the thornier relationship challenges associated with polyamory. If you’ve never seen a polyamorous relationship in the wild, if you’ve only seen dysfunctional ones, or if you tend to feel overwhelmed when things don’t go ideally, I hope these stories will provide you with some examples of how real-life polyamorous relationships function, in their amazing diversity.
On the other hand, if you are polyamorous yourself or know lots of people who are, working with polyamorous clients will require that you are able to see the unique relationship in front of you with its own challenges and strengths, and recognize that it isn’t the same as any other relationship or situation. The more you have in common with your clients, the more challenging it can be to avoid the pitfall of assuming that what has worked for you will work for others. In that case, I hope this book will provide you with ways to assess, conceptualize, and treat unique situations uniquely, and with confidence.
WHO IS THIS BOOK FOR?
In this book I provide a therapist’s-eye view of polyamory, including a deep dive into case conceptualization, treatment strategies for multiple clinical challenges that crop up frequently in the therapy room, a discussion of ethics and practice considerations, extensive background information about every aspect of polyamorous relationships, and a selection of handy worksheets and exercises for use with your clients.
I wrote this book primarily for therapists, coaches, counselors, and other helping professionals. It is my hope that I can help you feel comfortable, competent, and confident working with this population. I truly believe working with clients who have consensually nonmonogamous relationships will benefit you, your practice, and your larger community. The polyamorous people in your area deserve excellent therapy. With the help of this book, I believe that you can provide it.
But I also wrote this book for the polyamorous community and the relationship pioneers within and around it, who (like everyone else) could use a little help once in a while, particularly when it comes to making relationships work. There is enough information here for an insightful, highly motivated person or polycule to do a self-help deep dive. If you don’t have access to therapy or there are no polyamory-knowledgeable therapists in your area, or you want some worksheets and foundational concepts to support the therapy you are already in, this book is for you.
HOW THIS BOOK IS ORGANIZED
Part I, “Polyamory from a Therapist’s Perspective,” is a primer on polyamory aimed at building cultural competence for therapists and consolidating information for those who need it for any reason. Here you’ll find a glossary of important terms, as well as an explanation of the difference between polyamory and other consensual nonmonogamies, for example, swinging. You’ll learn about the overlap between the polyamory community, BDSM/kink, and LGBTQIA+, and discover the foundational theories and belief systems that underlie polyamorous relationships. Plus, I’ll describe what current research says about polyamory, including the results of my own study.
