Polyamory, page 25
Another way to do this is a four-part assessment, involving a relationship/family session, followed by individual sessions for everyone involved, followed by another family session to make recommendations. This is a common assessment strategy for dyadic therapy and will also work with polyamory, but I personally prefer the three-hour, single-session strategy because I don’t want to set up myself or my client for a long, unruly relational session with the wrong people present. I’d rather have more flexibility than that and feel free to send some of them to the waiting room or a nearby cafe while I help one or two sort out their agreements, or do whatever is needed to identify who the client should be and what type of therapy will serve best.
UNDERSTANDING THE CHANGE PROCESS AND STARTING IT BEFORE THE FIRST SESSION
Now I’m going to shift gears and share some more general guidance for getting therapy off to a good start. These techniques were developed by Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson, founders of the Couples Institute, and creators of the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, and they are equally applicable to monogamous and polyamorous relationships.
Have you ever seen a situation like this? A couple comes into your office for their first therapy session. You say, “What brings you here today?” Immediately, one partner launches into a tirade about how their partner did this or that thing, or has this or that character flaw and must change for them to be happy and have a good relationship. The other partner pipes up with their version of the story, and now you learn all about the first partner’s character flaws and the reasons they need to change for their partner to be happy and have a good relationship. They both look at you expectantly, waiting for you to pick their side and start whipping their partner into shape.
This common scenario arises from a common misapprehension: that one person can define what they want the relationship to be like and expect their partner to change to match it. And a secondary misapprehension that taking sides with that agenda is a therapist’s job.
Much as everyone wants their partner to change, the only realistic or helpful goals are those we develop for ourselves, about ourselves. That’s because the only parts of a relationship anyone can control are their own: how they react, respond, and engage. No matter how badly behaved your partner is, the only thing you can change is how you, yourself, show up, moment by moment. This is just as true for therapists as for anyone else; I cannot change anyone other than myself, no matter how much I might want to.
Compare that to a client who tells you something like this:
I’ve identified something I’m doing that is getting in my own way, and my partner doesn’t like it either. I can see how my life would be better if I changed that, and my relationship would be better too. I’d like you to help me figure out how I’m getting stuck so I can achieve my own goal of being more the person I want to be in this relationship.
How refreshing. I love working with clients who take personal responsibility for their own growth and behavior, and recognize that how they show up in their relationship has an effect on their partner’s choices and reactions.
Exercise: How to Get the Most out of Relationship Therapy or Coaching
Peter Pearson has developed a strategy for getting his clients headed in that direction before the first session, involving a handout and homework given to clients before the first session, and I use his strategy regularly. Using his version as a jumping-off place, I created a handout for my clients that I give them when I first schedule their visits. It’s called “How to Get the Most Out of Relationship Therapy or Coaching.” I ask them to do the homework exercises it contains before their first visit. I’ve included a copy of this handout in appendix D, and you’re welcome to adapt it for your own purposes. Please attribute the concept to Peter Pearson of the Couples Institute. If you are engaging in a relationship self-help project, I strongly recommend starting with this handout, as the exercises included in it are the strongest jumping-off place I can offer for creating change in your relationship.
GOAL-SETTING: FOUNDATION FOR CHANGE
Every therapy or coaching endeavor involves the art of goal-setting, whether individual, couple, or family. Every personal self-help process should also involve a careful goal-setting process, some of which might be somewhat counterintuitive. For some, this process is fairly straightforward, in which case the exercises in the handout “How to Get the Most Out of Relationship Therapy or Coaching” may be sufficient; however, for many the process of goal-setting is quite challenging, and more support may be needed. I cannot stress enough how important effective goal-setting is. Without it, the change process won’t be sufficiently fueled by individual empowerment and relevant personal motivation.
Exercise: Getting Clear on Your Goals
Goal-setting involves multiple parts, including the following:
Getting clear on what you want for yourself, in your own life, for your own reasons.
Translating goals you may have for others into action steps for yourself, so you can actually create change in your life effectively. Remember, you can only change yourself. If you want your partner to change something about themselves, you can tell them what you hope they will do, but ultimately it is up to them to do it, and they may not. To support your own happiness, you will have to figure out how you yourself can make a change that is meaningful to you. Happily, any change you decide to make yourself has the potential to make a difference in the gridlock between you.
Once goals are clear, there are more aspects of the change process to work through, namely the following:
Getting clear on what is getting in the way of change, in you and perhaps also in your partner.
Identifying motivation to change, in other words, why you would bother and how you will benefit.
Making the rubber meet the road with one or more action steps, over and over, without losing focus, until you have a new way of being. Depending on the change you are seeking, this might take a few weeks, a few months, or longer. The more focus and consistency you have with follow-through, the quicker the change will take root. In my personal experience, the process is not linear; it feels very difficult for the first block of time, maybe 10 repetitions, and then becomes quite a bit easier. When it finally becomes congruent, easy, and automatic, or nearly so, I look back and wonder why I waited so long.
The “Getting Clear on Your Goals” worksheet describes a step-by-step process to support the crucial, foundational work of effective goal-setting (see appendix E).
THE CHANGE PROCESS: WHERE THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD
Once you have carefully considered goals from the viewpoint of what you (or your client) would like to create in life and in relationships, the next step will be to work with the change process itself. Action steps are an important aspect of change, and they get a lot of attention in books and articles about forming habits. Since actions move you closer to your goals, this makes a lot of sense. But behavioral goals, or simple actions, may or may not be as simple as they look or effective on their own. There is an intricate relationship between intentions, behaviors, thoughts, uncomfortable feelings, automatic responses, primitive emotional self-protection, elevated emotions like love and gratitude, and desire itself. Effective change is a creative process and involves working with all of these aspects, a little like a dance with many steps, each of which depends on and forms the basis for the others. Making the rubber meet the road is an art form, creative pursuit, interesting experiment, challenging exercise, and very exciting project rolled into one.
Exercise: Creating Personal Change
Creating a desired change in your life is not an automatic occurrence. In fact, it is quite the opposite. A surprising amount of what we think, feel, and do is truly automatic, and it will continue to unfold on autopilot until we decide to do something different intentionally, and consistently. Developing a new way of being requires creating a change in your brain; new connections must form between neurons in something like a new path in the woods, and old superhighways of much-used automatic responses will gradually weaken as you use them less. Throughout time, with consistency on your part, the new path will become ever clearer and stronger, and easier to find and use, until you have a new way of being that feels normal, reliable, and easily accessible.
This process of creating a new neural network in your brain is surprisingly possible, and I’m sure you have done it many times. Think of some examples from your own past experience; what are some goals you have identified and then tackled with some success? Notice what has worked for you in the past to help you accomplish your goals. Also, take note of where you have gotten tripped up or stuck in pursuit of goals. You might also consider big personal changes that happened as a result of a change in external circumstances. Since thoughts, physical feelings, emotional feelings, and actions intertwine, when something shifts how we think or what we believe, or we get a huge reframe or “wake-up call,” it is easier to create behavioral shifts. For instance, perhaps you developed some new and positive habits in the aftermath of a breakup, after a health or family crisis, during quarantine for Coronavirus, or after a move to a new location. If so, consider what contributed to any positive change and what tripped you up or blocked your success when you wanted to create a change and weren’t quite able to.
You don’t need a huge crisis to make a change, thank goodness. You can create change just because you want to. For instance, you can make your own shift in belief system by gaining information or insight. You can create enough repetitions of a new action that your thoughts and feelings change, and you can choose to accelerate the process by intentionally shifting thoughts and feelings. Or, you might change your self-talk with a lot of focus to generate new feelings that then lead to new actions. You could also develop a mindfulness practice focused on intentionally creating such positive, elevated emotions as love, appreciation, and gratitude, which will make the actions and thoughts shift more easily. Wherever you start, the pieces interlock.
While the process is quite simple, it definitely requires a lot of focus and repetition, as well as some grit and determination, to help you turn away from the superhighway of automatic responses. My main message is this: You can do it, just because you want to, and your body and brain were made for this work. You deserve the changes in yourself that you desire, and you can achieve them. I know because I have done it, and I continue to experiment with the process of change all the time. It is fascinating, empowering, and fun.
For an insight-building deep dive into your current thoughts, feelings, and actions, and the ones you would like to create, plus a few other important aspects to consider, check out the worksheet “Creating Personal Change” (see appendix E). I learned it from Vann Joines, and it is a brilliant exercise for a coaching or therapy session, and equally applicable to self-help.
Exercise: Creating Change Action Plan
Once you are clear on your goals, have crafted goals that are truly within your ability to reach, and have taken a careful look at the thoughts, feelings, and actions that support your current experience, as well as the outcome you want, you are ready to create an action plan to make the change happen. As with all change, if you frame your action plan as an experiment, you are likely to encounter less internal resistance than you would if you frame it as a vow. Being a warm and positive coach for yourself is also important, since no one ever had much success with lasting change by beating themselves up for being a failure.
When you’re ready to craft an action plan, refer to the “Creating Change Action Plan” worksheet (see appendix E). In it, I will walk you through the process of deciding on an experimental change for yourself, identifying your motivation to do it, and keeping your attention on the project so you can succeed in creating a new neural network. This is a process of experimentation regarding personal change; this is about creating a habit that is important to you, responding with more warmth or less defensiveness in a tough conversation, or some other way in which you would like to create a new way of being that is more in accordance with the person you want to be.
Part III
POLYAMORY IN THE THERAPY ROOM Common Presenting Problems
CHAPTER 11
Negotiating Polyamory Forming Good Agreements
Some people read an article, talk to a friend, or watch a show about polyamory and decide to jump right in and give it a try. Others do extensive research, read lots of books, and engage a therapist to help them lay a solid foundation for opening up before taking any other action steps. Some slide into polyamory sideways. For instance, a partner’s infidelity can evolve into an awareness that they don’t see themselves as monogamous, leading them to open their relationship while simultaneously working on repairing damage from past deception or broken agreements. Some open their relationship into polyamory, while others become monogamish, or swing, or develop some other nonmonogamy; sometimes those nonmonogamies evolve into polyamory and sometimes not. Every relationship and situation is unique, and there are many paths to polyamory. Still, whatever the relationship style, everyone who opens their relationship will at some point have one or, more likely, many conversations discussing their preferences and outlining their agreements.
I love it when I get to help early on in the process of opening up, because I think having an intentional process is part of what sets up polyamory for success. Actually, I think having an intentional process, rather than just diving in and hoping for the best, will set up any relationship for success. You could think of this careful process as somewhat similar to premarital counseling. The conversation revolves around figuring out what each partner wants; identifying areas of agreement and disagreement; and coming to some decisions about how to move forward in important areas of life, especially areas where there is some tension.
In this chapter, I discuss what you can do as a therapist, friend, partner, family member, or helping professional to support the crafting of good agreements when someone is beginning to explore polyamory. First, I talk about some common pitfalls that I often see, so that you can get a sense of what problems to be on the lookout for, and I share some strategies I often use to shift them. Then I talk about how you can support a good agreement-making process and what that looks like. In the next chapter, I provide a list of topics that anyone who’s looking to embark on a nonmonogamous relationship should consider, which you can use to guide your clients’ conversations or your own.
PITFALLS IN AGREEMENT-MAKING
Oftentimes the reason agreements get broken is because they’re not made well in the first place. It’s not easy to make good agreements. It takes a lot of grit to sit with the discomfort of disagreement and hang in there long enough for a real resolution to emerge. But it pays off in the long run, with deepened trust and strong agreements built to last.
Pseudo-Agreements
Giving up; giving in; exploding; getting melodramatic; attempting to convince, coerce, or manipulate; becoming exhausted or overwhelmed: These, like any response that stops or derails the conversation, are ineffective strategies people turn to when the discomfort of disagreement gets intense. None of those strategies leads to connection. None of them advance the discussion in a productive direction. But worst of all, they often result in a sort of pseudo-agreement offered under duress: “Okay, have it your way, I’m too tired of this conversation to argue anymore.” That sounds like an agreement, but it isn’t really. It’s a tactic for avoiding discomfort. It comes of giving up on the conversation, rather than sticking with it until everyone concerned comes to a considered decision.
Here’s why that matters: A pseudo-agreement is a setup for betrayal. The person pseudo-agreeing might already know they just want the hard conversation to end and have no intention of keeping the agreement. They might hope for the best and tell themselves they will be able to follow through despite their concerns, but when they find themselves challenged to keep the agreement, that resolution won’t hold for long. Or they might feel resentful and blame it on their partner when they don’t follow through, because they felt coerced into giving way, not seeing that they gave up their power in the moment by folding too soon.
That doesn’t mean that partners’ desires must be in perfect harmony. I would be happy with, “Okay, I see that this is important to you, and it might work. Let’s try it for two weeks and then discuss it again,” or even, “I need a break, I’m exhausted, let’s take this up again on Wednesday,” but not, “Okay, have it your way.” The key difference is whether the person making the agreement is taking responsibility for their choice.
Rules and Their Complications
People who are just launching into an open relationship (polyamorous or otherwise) often want to talk about what rules they’re going to put in place. It’s important to discuss agreements, but sometimes a focus on rules is marked by misconceptions that set people up for failure. When I have clients who are early in the process of discussing opening their relationship, I like to give them a gentle caution about the dangers of rules and how they don’t necessarily always work as expected. Here’s a rundown of a few common misapprehensions that sometimes lead people astray when deciding how to structure an open relationship.
Rules Can’t Protect You from Feelings
People often assume that if they just put enough rules and agreements in place, they’ll feel less jealous, scared, and threatened. But you can’t legislate your way around an emotion. Oftentimes partners spend weeks setting up the rules that they expect to protect them from discomfort, only to discover that they still are struggling with uncomfortable feelings. What they need is not more rules, but more strategies for holding steady through discomfort, more sources of support (rather than just their partner), and a flexible and accessible approach to renegotiating agreements as things come up. No matter what agreements anyone might make, they will probably still experience some jealousy and other forms of emotional discomfort sometimes. The good news is, it’s completely possible to strengthen the ability to self-regulate and co-regulate around these emotions, and doing so will likely strengthen their relationship and make them happier, healthier, and more flexible in the long term.
