Polyamory, page 16
Exercise: Creating Personal Change
Given the subject matter of this book, one belief a reader (or their client) might want to change is that monogamy is the only healthy and workable relationship structure, or that polyamory cannot ever work. I’m providing a lot of information to combat those beliefs, but if you really want to change your belief about this, it will help to look at how your actions, thoughts, and emotions are connected and work together to support the belief you currently hold. Additionally, it is important to figure out what you would prefer to believe and how thoughts, emotions, and actions would intertwine to support that desirable belief as well. To dig into the process of creating this or any other change, check out the worksheet “Creating Personal Change” in appendix E. I often use the format of this worksheet on a whiteboard in therapy and coaching sessions with clients, and it works equally well when done as a self-help project. It is very powerful to identify where you are; where you want to go; and what thoughts, feelings, and actions create and also result from each position. The process guided by the worksheet leads to choosing action steps. This might be taking one or some of the actions identified as desirable. Or it might be engaging in blocking or countering thoughts that support the old belief and cultivating thoughts that support the new one. Another way to work with the change process is to develop a mindfulness practice of feeling the feelings you want to experience. It all fits together, wherever you begin, but change involves shifting thoughts, actions, and emotions, and repeating often enough to create and then strengthen a new neural network.
To work further with changing a belief system, refer to the “Creating Change Worksheet Set” in appendix E, which includes “Getting Clear on Your Goals,” “Creating Personal Change,” “Accessing Motivation,” “Creating Change Action Plan,” and “Resolving a Dilemma Using Two Chairs.”
CHAPTER 7
What Makes a Good Relationship?
Good relationships between adults have some things in common. Consider strong relationships between adult children and their parents, best friends, siblings, and extended family members, as well as romantic partners. Every healthy adult relationship has some key qualities: respect, empathy, curiosity about the perspectives of others, warm but firm boundaries, flexibility, the ability to understand and communicate one’s desires and thoughts clearly, the ability to make and keep agreements, and the trust that comes from that. I could go on and on, and I’m sure you can think of some I have forgotten. In addition to the aforementioned attributes, intimate relationships also have some unique romantic, sexual, or otherwise intimate bond.
Think of a healthy relationship between two people. Imagine, for example, an intimate couple, a pair of adult siblings, two friends, or an adult child and their parent. It would be ridiculous to think that these dyadic relationships can’t be successful unless the participants had already achieved a high level of secure attachment and differentiation, even under stress. We are all works in progress, and that doesn’t stop us from having relationships. Moving toward increased congruence between thoughts, feelings, and actions; becoming more reliable; building the skills needed to discuss difficult topics; increasing our emotional endurance for ongoing hard conversations; sharing joys and sorrows well; collaborating as a team; and creating a life that is values-led and personally meaningful are important aspects of becoming increasingly strong individuals—the type of strong individuals who create strong relationships. The more skilled the participants in any given relationship, the better the relationship functions, particularly during times of stress.
Now consider relationships among three or more people. Imagine a sibling group, a family unit, a church community, the people on a small committee, a group of close friends. Are there differences in the skills needed to make this type of situation function well as compared to the skills needed for a dyad?
I would say the same skills apply, but the potential for complexity is geometrically more, because there are more people, more variables, more unique circumstances and preferences, more moving parts shifting all the time, and more unique connections between people. That added complexity will show up especially starkly in stressful situations, particularly when a lot of emotions are involved and tempers may run high, which is often the case in romantic or intimate relationships.
Additionally, when there are more people involved, there are more opportunities for triangulation, indirect communication, going behind someone’s back to discuss something that concerns them, making assumptions, and so forth. The partners may need more systems in place that provide guidelines for emotional boundaries in complex situations. They certainly may need help understanding the basic concepts of emotional boundaries, which may be new to them. As a therapist, I think this calls for a bit of a special skill set. You’ll need to be good at spotting emotional contagion, triangulation, and other types of indirect communication, and helping clients practice good emotional hygiene and direct, appropriately boundaried communication. Developing this skill set will serve well and be worth cultivating for anyone in any relationship, but certainly anyone in a polyamorous relationship. Throughout this book, I offer steps for developing these skills, and for helping others develop them too. In the next chapter, “Conceptualizing the Case,” I discuss in depth how I analyze relational challenges and support skill-building in polyamorous (and other) relationships using a framework combining concepts of differentiation, neuroscience, and attachment.
EXERCISE: EXAMINING ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT RELATIONSHIP STRUCTURES
Oftentimes it is helpful for a person, whether therapist, coach, or client, to consider potential benefits and pitfalls of a broad range of relationship styles. Why might someone choose a monogamous relationship? Why might someone choose to have multiple concurrent sex partners without a romantic attachment? Why might someone choose to have multiple concurrent romantic partners? Coming, as most of us do, from a culture of monogamy, it may be a new idea that there are many potential benefits, and many potential drawbacks, to any given type of relationship. Looking deeply into this material might require imagination beyond one’s own experience.
Once having identified some benefits and drawbacks to various types of relationships, it is useful to wonder if those benefits and pitfalls are actually related to the relationship type. For instance, if we imagine a person might choose monogamy because they want to feel emotionally secure, we can ask whether monogamy actually creates emotional security. From there, I wonder how a monogamous relationship might be structured to create emotional security and, then, if any form of open relationship could be structured to create emotional security. As you can see, the answers will vary according to the thoughts, beliefs, and preferences of the person who is asking themselves these questions.
I operate from the assumption that most, if not all, relationship benefits and pitfalls could hypothetically occur in any structure of relationship. Remember, I’m not interested in promoting polyamory, I’m interested in helping people imagine success for anything they might undertake and then use their ability to freely choose (or say no) when it comes down to decision-making time. I’d hate to see a relationship dream fail due to a simple failure of imagination. To this end, I developed an exercise called “Examining Assumptions About Relationship Structures” to guide you, or your clients, through this process (see appendix A, “Examining Assumptions About Relationship Structures” worksheet).
EXERCISE: DREAMS AND DESIRES
Another exercise that is important to the formation of a healthy, juicy, alive relationship that brings joy to everyone concerned is that of identifying what is desirable and important in life. Again, this will be a very individual exploration of dreams, desires, and possibilities, and might be done alone, in therapy, or with a partner, depending on personal preference and individual circumstances. Desire is often overlooked in relationships, and here I am talking about much more than sexual desire. The very word desire suggests some positive generative energy, as opposed to resignation, boredom, or defeat. It is too easy to settle for what seems possible rather than asking ourselves or our partner(s) about dreams and desires.
Remember that a discussion of what each of you desires, or what your client desires in their relationship or life, is not the same as a decision-making discussion about problem-solving or change. Furthermore, many people expect their partners or friends to ignite desire for them, rather than figuring out how to ignite their own desire and then choosing with whom to share it. For a worksheet about exploring dreams and desires, and taking a look at how to create as much fabulous juiciness as possible in your life, see appendix A, “Dreams and Desires” worksheet.
To close this chapter, I want to share a story that stands as a beautiful example of polyamorous partnership that displays all the qualities of a truly exceptional relationship—mutual respect, warmth, open communication, and lasting regard—even after the relationship comes to an end:
I discovered polyamory when I was single, dating, and going to graduate school. I learned about polyamory in a graduate school class. About a year later, I met a man while online dating who told me up front that he was married and polyamorous.
Intrigued and curious to learn more about polyamory, I agreed to a first date. We got along really well, and we could tell there was mutual attraction. Then, he introduced me to his wife over coffee at our next meeting. I didn’t realize at the time, but I suppose she had “veto power” over me, which turned out to be just fine with me. If his wife hadn’t approved of me, I would personally want nothing to do with that dynamic. But she and I got along swimmingly from the first meeting.
The three of us started getting to know one another and liked one another a lot. I admired their communication patterns, which I observed more and more regularly as we spent time together. Within a month or so, we found ourselves pretty naturally stepping into a triad situation, and I was finding being their girlfriend to be easy, fun, relaxing, hot, and rewarding.
The sex was phenomenal and so different from any sex I’d had before. I loved the ability to “tap out” during partnered sex when I needed a break and have the attention not be on me for a while. Then I’d rejoin, turned on so much by the hot sex between just the two of them. Voyeurism was one of my favorite parts of being a secondary.
Being their secondary opened me up to learn about healthy communication between two married, emotionally mature adults. My parents’ marriage was such a disastrously abusive, alcoholic relationship that I never knew that conflict could be healthy until my lovers showed me firsthand. They would have a normal discussion or disagreement and then get over it with resolution or empathy. Mind-blowing! I don’t honestly know a better way I could have learned healthy marital communication aside from being immersed in it, in their private home. It was almost like a foreign exchange program to me, being immersed in an entirely new culture and language, that worked.
The other huge thing that being their secondary did for me was open me up to my pansexuality. Getting to know the wife, both sexually and emotionally, and being vulnerable and passionate with her, showed me a lot about how gay I was. I’m not sure I would have been able to meet my (now) wife and open up to her if this woman hadn’t taught me so much about my own sexual fluidity.
We all three mostly got on harmoniously for about two years. The relationship as we knew it ended when they decided they needed to move to a different part of the state for work and life, and I knew I wanted to move back to my hometown. We are close friends to this day. They just danced the night away with my wife and me at our wedding.
CHAPTER 8
Conceptualizing the Case If Polyamory Isn’t the Problem, What Is?
Let’s say a couple comes to you with a difference of opinion about opening up their relationship. There you are, in your therapy room, on the first visit, and one partner is distressed because they don’t want to open the relationship, while the other partner is distressed because they do. Both have good points, both are upset, and both are hoping you will solve the problem for them, probably by taking sides in their favor and helping them change their partner’s mind. If we start from a working assumption that polyamory itself is not the problem, then there has to be some way of thinking about the case, and each person’s unique feelings and thoughts, that acknowledges that polyamory is a valid relationship option.
This chapter is about how I conceptualize cases: how I think about the problem at hand without pathologizing my clients or any particular belief system or relationship structure, while still identifying areas in which growth is needed to create a secure, happy, collaborative relationship of any kind. Forming an opinion myself about whether someone else should open their relationship is not part of my strategy; I don’t have a stake in that game, and it is none of my business. I see my job as helping people become more relational with one another and helping them develop themselves in ways that open the door for co-creating something that works for everyone involved.
While this chapter is heavy on therapy-related concepts, I think it is also relevant to self-help, because these are concepts I find utterly essential in not only my work, but also my own life. If you’re reading this to find support for your own personal and relational growth, please don’t be intimidated. I discuss these concepts with my own clients in the same language I use in this chapter, and they tell me they find it useful to understand how I think about relationships. The concepts in this chapter have made huge differences in many lives, including the lives of many therapists who have studied them. High-quality personal growth experiences and concepts should be available to everyone.
Much of my thinking about case conceptualization is informed by the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy and the work of Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson. If you want to read more, I recommend their books, website (couplesinstitute.com), and other materials for further study, in addition to my own blog (instituteforrelationalintimacy.com).
CONCEPTUALIZING THE CASE: WHERE IS DIFFERENTIATION BREAKING DOWN?
Where is differentiation breaking down in the relationship? This is the primary question I ask myself to figure out where things are going wrong and how I might be of help, whether I’m working as a therapist with an individual or relationship client, or having a hard conversation with my partner at our own kitchen table. Almost every relevant relationship skill requires differentiation: the ability to create strong agreements and follow through on them, the skills involved in recovering from broken agreements, the distress tolerance required to have a good discussion about what is meant by fidelity, and so on. There are a million reasons why someone might have difficulty differentiating and a correspondingly wide range of approaches to helping them gain those skills. But, ultimately, if the goal is a relationship in which everyone involved has a voice and a vote, differentiation is the key ingredient.
To find out where differentiation is breaking down, I must assess the presence, or absence, of multiple aspects of differentiation of self. As I talk with my clients, I focus on assessing which parts of differentiation they are strong in and which need some bolstering. Figuring out what is missing enables me to help clients build skills exactly where they need them.
I think of differentiation of self as having three parts:
The ability to look inside yourself and identify what you feel, think, believe, and prefer, separate from what anyone else might think, prefer, or want from you.
The ability to hold steady while you communicate your unique thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and desires to another person, regardless of what you imagine their response might be.
The ability to hold steady and access genuine curiosity and empathy when someone tells you something about their thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions that you find difficult to hear.
It helps me in my work to separate these distinct aspects of differentiation of self, because I’ve noticed that usually people are stronger in one aspect of differentiation than another. For instance, you might find it relatively easy to hold steady while your partner tells you something challenging but struggle to express your own difficult truths to them or vice versa. Or you (or a friend or partner) might have difficulty identifying what you prefer, especially when there is someone you care about voicing a strong opinion or having a big emotional reaction. Using the parts of differentiation to identify growth areas allows me to focus my efforts for the greatest gain. It also gives me language and a construct to help my clients understand what skills will make the biggest difference for them and why, which helps increase motivation, and therefore success.
CULTURAL CONSIDERATIONS, DIFFERENTIATION, AND MARGINALIZATION
Differentiation of self is all about individuality. In the Western world, it is pretty common to value individuality more than family or cultural assimilation. But that’s not necessarily a universal value, and it’s important to let your client make the choice about whether they actually want to differentiate.
If a person aspires to a relationship in which they feel seen, known, and accepted as their unique and individual self, they will need to develop all three aspects of differentiation of self. Most of my clients get very excited when I talk about the three aspects of differentiation, and most are completely on board with building that skill set. They clearly see where they are challenged and also where their strengths lie. Maybe they have absolutely no idea how to get there, but they can easily see how their life and relationship would improve if they increased those skills. They’re on board.
