Polyamory, page 28
I see DADT as a request for co-regulation. Oftentimes this is what it sounds like:
Honey, I just seem to lose my mind when I think too much about you being with that other person. Once I get a grip and start thinking about something else, I’m more or less fine. I think if I knew less about what you are doing exactly, it would be easier for me to stop obsessing about what you’re doing and focus on my own interests. I’m not asking you to lie to me, but I think it would be easier for me if I didn’t know where you go when you go out or which friend you hang out with. Just tell me you’re going to see a friend, okay?
This is an example of co-regulation, because it is one partner asking the other to change a behavior to help them manage their emotional state.
Of course, as a strategy for emotional regulation, willful ignorance has its pitfalls. Still, when I’m being honest with myself, I have to admit that I use it in my own life, and so do a lot of other people. Imagine a situation in which one partner is in charge of paying the bills. Is that only because they are good at it and want to do it, or does it also serve the purpose of allowing the other partner to put potentially troubling thoughts about money to the side, knowing their partner is handling it well? When you decide to send your partner to the emergency vet with your dog, while you stay home because it’s just too much for you to bear, it’s not like you don’t know the dog is sick. You just don’t want to watch it all unfold, and you trust your partner to handle it and keep you informed about important decisions. These are common, everyday versions of something like “don’t ask, don’t tell.”
Consider how this compares to common, everyday forms of secrecy. For instance, I hear things like this all the time: “I didn’t mention to my partner just how much my new shoes cost, because, well, they don’t really need to know that,” or “I’m hoping they don’t notice how many new books I bought this month; I doubt if they would approve.” That is quite different from DADT, in which the person who is not getting the detailed information actually requested that they be protected in that manner.
Like any relationship structure, DADT works best when partners discuss it in detail beforehand and put some time into crafting robust agreements. This is not always the case; I’ve seen some fairly imperfect DADT that still works well enough for everyone concerned. Ideally, however, it should be clear what types of information will and won’t be shared, and in what circumstances the partner who’s not getting all the information would actually like to be consulted or updated more fully. I also think it is important that there be some sort of regular check-in strategy, because if the agreement is simply, “Go do your thing, and don’t tell me about it,” the partner who has agreed not to bring it up will be left without an approved way of discussing changes they may want to make in agreements. This is a loophole that again can lead to lies, secrecy, or broken agreements. At minimum, I think it is important that DADT include a clause for how a partner who wants to discuss changing or updating an agreement will feel freely able to do so.
If your clients are considering a DADT arrangement, it is important to remember that it doesn’t mean never discussing polyamory. Rather, it’s a way to limit how often partners will talk about certain aspects of polyamory, based on the individual needs and preferences of the partners involved. They will need to have at least one robust discussion about agreements for DADT to work at all; having no agreements is likely to backfire.
Furthermore, they will need to make a plan for when or in what circumstances they should check in. Regular upkeep is worth the effort. Refer to chapter 12, “Negotiating Polyamory: Talking Points for Partners,” for a robust guide to the topics partners should consider as they decide how to structure their relationship.
THE POWER OF CONSIDERATION
There’s a personality trait that a lot of people who are in happy, healthy polyamorous relationships share. I call it “good manners,” but you could also refer to it as “kindness” or “consideration.” In essence, it is the ability to take other people’s feelings and preferences into consideration without losing track of your own.
If you have a client who is naturally considerate, it will be a huge asset in their project of opening the relationship. If not, I recommend they spend some time and effort building the skill, because it makes a meaningful difference in the day-to-day functioning of a polyamorous relationship.
Many people are taught that good manners are simply about smoothing things over and not rocking the boat. The good manners that training produces are built on a foundation of conflict avoidance and people-pleasing. If that’s what you or your clients are used to, finding the balance between being kind and being honest can be quite a challenge. But good manners can also be built on empathy, which requires that a person develop some skill at managing difficult emotions gracefully to be able to tolerate the emotions of others while also acknowledging and managing their own.
True consideration also requires the participation of both partners. That’s because, for you to take another’s emotions and preferences into account, they need to be forthright with you about what they feel and believe. You will need to work systemically to get to a place where everyone involved can be both frank and kind, thoughtful about one another’s desires without neglecting their own.
Consideration can appear in many different ways. Here are some common examples of considerate behavior in polyamorous relationships:
Never being rude or mean when frustrated or angry.
Honoring a partner’s preferences about what to share and not share about other partners or dates.
Being meticulous about getting home on time or calling well ahead of time if plans change.
Never texting other lovers when in a conversation or at dinner with another, with the exception of making yourself available to your primary if that is the agreement, or in specific other agreed-upon circumstances.
Never being sarcastic or mean when choosing to give up something for someone else’s comfort. In other words, if you decide to break a date to spend the evening with another partner because of some extenuating circumstances, live the choice generously, rather than reluctantly. Don’t agree to it if you can’t be nice about it.
Taking personal responsibility for your own decisions, rather than blaming it on your primary partner: “I’m sorry, I would love to spend the evening with you as we planned, but I really want to be home with [my primary partner] because they are having a really hard day,” rather than, “I need to break our date because [my primary partner] needs me to be home with them.”
Keeping your phone charged, turned on, and with you, if you have agreed to make yourself available to a partner.
While some of this might seem obvious, I’ve seen breaches of good manners often enough that I’ve given some serious thought to how to cultivate the relevant skills. Much of it comes down to excellent follow-through, which ultimately depends on having made good agreements or valuing your own integrity enough to be willing to follow through with agreements that you don’t 100% believe in until such time as they can be renegotiated.
Much of it also comes down to generosity of spirit, which is more complicated than it appears. I believe that, at its core, generosity of spirit is based on good emotional boundaries. It requires you to be clear that you are in charge of your own life, choices, and decisions, so you don’t blame them on anyone else. Similarly, it requires understanding your own goals and motivation, holding yourself to a high standard of behavior (even in less-than-ideal circumstances or times of stress), and discerning when you are experiencing enough distress to discuss a topic that troubles you (as opposed to being slightly annoyed but choosing not to sweat the small stuff).
I’d like to share this personal account, which serves to illustrate the powerful impact that even small acts of consideration can have. It also highlights the creativity that can be brought to bear when it comes to crafting strategies to work with difficult emotions.
My wife was okay with polyamory in principle but had some reservations about it. So we discussed it a lot and worked out some agreements that made it more comfortable for both of us. A key point is that these agreements were negotiated until we were both okay with them—an agreement that feels too unfair to one partner is likely to be not honored or to cause resentment and other problems.
One such agreement that my wife requested was the mikvah, or ritual bath. After I had a date with someone else I would take a bath or shower, which included a small ritual to mark the dividing line in time and attention—a bit of meditation or quiet thought: “Now I am thinking about my wife and reentering my life with her.”
This felt reasonable and easy for me to do, and it helped my wife feel good about our arrangement, so I was happy to do it for her.
I’m so impressed with these partners, who not only demonstrate a beautiful example of a highly differentiated, thoughtful agreement-making process, but also found a way to harness the power of consideration into a deeply meaningful ritual that helps them honor their commitments to one another and keep their aspirational selves front and center.
WHEN IT WORKS, IT WORKS
At this point, you’ve probably gotten a good sense of the things that can go wrong in polyamorous relationships when the agreement-making process is rushed, forced, or neglected. Without a robust process of negotiating and development agreements, the bogeymen of relational therapy threaten our clients: broken agreements, deception, resentment, etc.
I hope that you’ve also gotten a sense of what it looks like when things go really right. Imagine considerate partners, engaged in deep discussion that honors all of their perspectives in full nuance and detail—honestly striving to come to creative agreements; running experiments with flexibility, imagination, and grace; and working toward crafting a relationship that is uniquely suited to their beliefs, preferences, and desires. When it works, it’s a beautiful thing, and it often does work.
I also want to leave you with the awareness that a polyamorous relationship doesn’t have to be absolutely ideal to function well enough. How many monogamous relationships have you known to be truly ideal? Why should polyamory be any different? Less-than-ideal circumstances, unique personalities and personal challenges, and the inevitable learning curve of being a relational human being tends to throw a curveball into relational functioning, whether in monogamous or polyamorous relationships. Of course, as therapists, we help our clients understand what goes into creating secure functioning, good agreements, and so on. But I don’t want you to think well-functioning polyamory always looks perfect. It doesn’t. The key, as with monogamy, is whether there is enough—enough safety, enough progress in the right direction, enough connection, enough excitement . . . just . . . enough. Is there enough of what everyone needs and wants in their relationship for everyone involved to stick with it? If there is, you have an example of a well-functioning relationship.
CHAPTER 12
Negotiating Polyamory Talking Points for Partners
The issues facing people who are considering opening their relationship are many and varied. There is so much to discuss. This chapter offers exercises designed to help guide some of those discussions. I hope this chapter can help anyone who is considering opening their relationship cover the ground they need to cover. This will probably involve exploring lots of topics, some of which will be more comfortable than others. It will also involve going deeply enough into conversations to more fully understand what is at stake for everyone concerned, hopefully avoiding problematic loopholes coming to light later on down the road.
There is no rulebook regarding what topics need to be discussed; that varies and is very individual. I have offered suggestions of topics to consider, but you may not need to discuss them all, and there will be some that don’t feel immediately relevant. I recommend going with your intuition. Skip what isn’t important to you right now, and use your energy for the more immediately relevant topics. Polyamory tends to evolve, so keep in mind that discussion points that aren’t important now might emerge later on, in which case you can revisit them. If you sense that a particular topic will be difficult for you or your partner to handle, that may be an indication that the topic is important and should not be skipped.
You might use these exercises and talking points early on in the process, perhaps when just beginning to consider embarking on a polyamorous relationship. Having a series of thoughtful, differentiated discussions about a broad variety of issues that might arise will dramatically increase the chances of success, while building some important relational skills. These worksheets and exercises may also come in handy with people who have been in an open relationship for some time but may have skipped over some important discussions or left loopholes that are showing up now, or whose relationships have evolved in such a way that they are now facing new challenges.
You and your clients are free to use these worksheets in whatever way they will be most helpful; you can use the questions in session as the need arises and/or use them for homework between sessions or a self-help project.
Because differentiated conversations start with self-awareness, the exercises I have developed guide participants through an internal investigation of their own unique thoughts, feelings, opinions, and beliefs. Of course, this is intended to lead to deep and productive discussions between partners, as self-knowledge naturally gives way to sharing aspects of ourselves and our thoughts with one another.
The initiator/inquirer (I/I) process is ideal for many of these conversations; for an in-depth discussion of how to use the I/I, see chapter 9. With practice and encouragement, everyone gets better at figuring out what they think and feel, as well as speaking up about difficult topics. The more difficulty partners have discussing these topics, the more structure they will need. People with higher levels of differentiation will have more fun with the process, and want and need less assistance, support, and coaching. If there are topics on the list that feel more manageable, I recommend starting with those, rather than beginning with the most difficult material. If someone is really struggling with the concept of polyamory, remind them that discussing is not the same as deciding. The “Holding Steady Self-Coaching Worksheet” might be helpful (see appendix B). I would also encourage them to take the initiator role in an I/I discussion, with their partner as inquirer to help their partner get curious, ask good questions, listen carefully, and come to understand what is distressing them and why. This might also help them come to know their own thoughts, feelings, and reactions more fully.
As I discuss in the previous chapter, “Negotiating Polyamory: Forming Good Agreements,” you’ll want to keep your eye out for the topics your clients seem to avoid discussing and support them in managing the difficult thoughts and feelings that lead to avoiding those topics. Helping clients, and one another, have the detailed and specific conversations needed to close any loopholes will avoid serious complications down the line. Even though no one can predict with total accuracy where future challenges will arise, gaining an understanding of how their partner(s) feel about various situations now will make it a lot easier to bring things up later if challenges develop.
TO OPEN OR NOT TO OPEN: THAT IS THE QUESTION
The first discussion partners will probably have is about whether to open their relationship. Sometimes that discussion will have happened years before you meet the clients. Other times it is the focus of therapy. You will notice that some of the exercises I present in this chapter are also presented in chapter 6, “The Therapist: Bias, Strengths, and Challenges,” and chapter 7, “What Makes a Good Relationship?” This is because we all have thoughts and experiences, dreams and desires, that form our beliefs and longings about relationships, and we all make assumptions based on them. People who work professionally with clients who are in open relationships will probably benefit from taking a look at their thoughts, beliefs, and formative experiences about relationships, and people who are considering being in an open relationship would also benefit from that exploration. The exploration is the same, the angle of perspective is just a little different. Whether you are a therapist or client, working on a self-help project or just reading this book out of curiosity, thinking more deeply about multiple aspects of a relationship is likely to be useful.
I present these exercises as I would to a client. Feel free to include them in session, give all or parts of them as homework, or do them yourself if you would like to.
Exercise: My Relationship Ideas: Reflection Worksheet
When beginning to think about opening a relationship, it is natural to come up against beliefs, experiences, emotions, reactions, fears, and biases, some of which may be subconscious. If they remain uninvesti-gated and unspoken, they can cause mischief by influencing our reactions and responses while remaining invisible or semivisible.
We all have the power to influence our own emotional experiences through choosing which thoughts to dwell on and which to give less attention to. If someone is either idealizing or pathologizing any particular type of relationship, or worrying that a negative situation they experienced earlier in life might repeat as a result of taking a particular action now, it is well worth exploring this.
A belief system is just a thought we think a lot, not necessarily an indicator of a truth. Some of the thoughts we have maintained for the longest time arose early in life and just never got reexamined. There is no right or wrong relationship structure, just the relationship structure that is a good fit for any particular individual at this time. If someone is thinking about whether they might want to open their relationship, I think it is important to take a look at beliefs and experiences that form their ideas of what a relationship is or can be. Getting some sunshine on unexamined thoughts through noticing and discussing them will help prevent mysterious blocks from emerging later on. For an exploration of the origins of your ideas about relationships, see the “My Relationship Ideas: Reflection Worksheet” in appendix A.
