Polyamory, page 50
My word, phrase, or image is ____________________________.
My plan for keeping my word, phrase, or image at the top of my awareness at all times is _________________________________.
CREATING A CHANGE ACTION PLAN
To make a change in your life, you will need concrete goals that are about you (see the “Getting Clear on Your Goals” worksheet in this appendix), as well as clarity regarding the thoughts, feelings, and actions that you are now engaging in, and those that better match the goal you aspire to (see the “Creating Personal Change” worksheet, also in this appendix). Once you have done that foundational work, you are ready to make the rubber meet the road with a concrete action plan comprised of what I would describe as a series of experiments.
Your first action-based experiment might be to change a habitual thought that isn’t serving you into one that serves you better. Or it might be engaging in a regular mindfulness practice of intentionally shifting toward such emotions as appreciation, love, and gratitude. It might be doing a particular action over and over again to build a new habit while also creating a shift in thoughts and feelings. My point is, your experiment requires you to do something different, but it might be a thought experiment, a feeling experiment, or a purely action-based experiment. It might also be an experiment that has an action, accompanied by an intentional shift of emotion or thought. For instance, imagine you have decided to run an experiment that involves listening when your partner is talking, and instead of interrupting or responding defensively, you plan to get curious and ask some good questions. It will be easier to do that if you are aware of the thoughts you think when your partner starts talking that often result in you interrupting and defending yourself. With that self-awareness, you can coach yourself to think different thoughts when your partner is talking, which will set you up to have more success managing the automatic response of interrupting.
Once you have identified your experiment, write it down in detail. If your experiment is to not interrupt, make sure to write down what you will do instead so you have positive action steps. That might be, “Instead of interrupting, I will take three deep breaths and remember that I want to know what my partner thinks. I will ask at least one follow-up question to what my partner is saying.” Don’t overcomplicate this; keep it to just one concise experiment so you can really focus on it and succeed.
Now, write down why this is important to you and how your life will be improved when you have mastered this skill (refer to your mission statement in the “Getting Clear on Your Goals” worksheet or, for a deeper dive, use the “Accessing Motivation” worksheet). This might be something like, “It is important to me to listen well and get curious because I want to know what my partner thinks on deeper levels than we usually discuss, so I can understand my partner more fully. I think knowing my partner better will lead to me loving and respecting them more fully, which would be wonderful and will lead to me feeling more energetic and positive about myself, my life, and my relationship.”
My first experiment is to _____________________________________ ____________________.
This is important to me because _______________________________ ____________________.
My life will be better in the following ways when I’m good at this: ________________________________.
The next challenge is to keep your attention on this project so you can succeed. Remember, repetition and consistency are key. This action plan must become a daily practice that involves honoring your desire and motivation to change. With your attention on the project, you can give yourself good support and self-coaching for the effort.
Some experiments require total focus for weeks. Others evolve more quickly and can be tweaked every day depending on circumstance. The most important thing is to keep your goal on your radar, and stay focused on one primary goal at a time so you don’t become confused or overwhelmed.
Every morning when you start your day, ask yourself (either on paper or in your mind), “What am I going to do today that will move that goal forward and why?” This might look exactly like it did on the first day you did it, or it might evolve a little throughout time.
Each day’s action step should feel completely manageable. Be realistic: If it’s the busiest day of the year, don’t put down something that will take an hour; instead, put down something that will take less than a minute. You must create manageable action steps if you want to succeed at change. Every day is different, so assess your day. What feels manageable today? Might it even feel fun?
Now, be a good coach for yourself and imagine the entire sequence, including your success and positive emotions. Get the goal clear in your mind, and picture yourself doing the action step that day. Imagine feeling empowered, happy, effective, or any other positive emotion during and after the action. Get clear about what amazing benefits will come of your effort, and feel the gratitude and appreciation for those amazing benefits. This is you, being a positive, motivating coach for yourself. If you can make the entire process fun, that’s even better.
Review each night, perhaps right before you fall asleep or in a notebook where you track your intentions, follow-through, and gratitude each day. Did you meet your goal? What went well? Give yourself positive feedback for doing what you intended to do: “I am a total rock star! I decided to send a loving text at lunchtime, and I did it! This is me taking charge of change in my life, and I’m proud of myself for it!” If you fell short of what you had hoped to do, compliment yourself for what you were able to do and acknowledge a desire to improve the next day. Be specific about what you plan to do differently and why it is important to you. Remember to be a cheerful, uplifting, inspiring coach, not a punitive, punishing one.
If it is proving to be challenging to follow through on your action plans, you might tweak them to feel more manageable. Or you might work on increasing how fun it is, add more positive feedback from your inner coach, or add a reward of some sort. I often write myself a pep-talk note for the following morning in a journal beside my bed. Then I read it when I wake up. This might be something like, “You’ve totally got this for today! Here’s why this is fun and important, and I know you can do it. Also, right after you do it, you get to go buy yourself your favorite coffee drink, or go for a walk in your favorite place, or both!” The important part is to lift your mood and start off with a strong vote of confidence, a positive attitude, and an expectation of success combined with fun. Another helpful support if you are encountering blocks to success is the exercise “Resolving a Dilemma Using Two Chairs,” in this appendix, which will help you sort out what is going on that might be blocking your progress.
RESOLVING A DILEMMA USING TWO CHAIRS
A dilemma is a situation in which you have choices but don’t yet know which direction to go. One part of you wants to do (fill in the blank), and another part of you isn’t so sure that’s a good idea. Everyone has a dilemma from time to time, and, in fact, when you’re stewing about a problem, and feeling stuck, you might try asking yourself what your dilemma is. This can help you get to something less tangled. Are there internal parts of you that want different things? Are you having an internal dialogue or battle between those viewpoints? If so, you can get a deeper understanding of what is going on for you by using this exercise, which is an extremely useful and effective way to work with any two-part dilemma. You can do it with the help of a therapist or coach, or you can do it as a self-help exercise. This exercise has its roots in Gestalt therapy.
The following are some examples of dilemmas you might use the two-chairs technique to resolve:
One part of me wants to stay in this relationship, and another part wants to leave.
One part of me wants to agree to what my partner wants, and another part of me doesn’t.
One part of me wants to open the relationship, and another part is not so sure.
A part of me wants to follow through on my agreement with my partner, but another part of me wants to do my own thing.
One part of me thinks it would be a good idea to come out to my mother, and another part of me thinks that is not such a good idea.
One part of me wants to buy a house, and another part is not quite ready.
One part of me wants to have another baby, and another part is not so sure.
You get the idea. The point of the exercise is to allow yourself to give voice to both sides of your internal dilemma, listening fully to what each part of you has to say. Usually, this is done by setting up two chairs. One chair represents the part of you that holds position A, and the other represents the part of you that holds position B. Any two chairs will do. Set them up facing one another. State your dilemma in terms of, “One part of me (this) and another part of me (that).” Choose which you want to start with, and sit in one of the chairs. Take a deep breath, and allow yourself to get fully in touch with the emotions and thoughts of this viewpoint. When you’re in touch with that part, fully express that part of yourself, and only that part of yourself. When you feel the other part wanting to interrupt, just tell it to wait a minute and it will get its turn. Why do you, from this part of you, want what you want? Why does it feel important? What is at stake? What does it mean to you? When you feel like you’ve expressed that part fully, switch chairs.
Now take a breath, and get in touch with the alternate opinion within yourself. This is the part that wanted to butt in a few minutes ago. In this chair, you might start by saying, “I disagree. From my perspective, you missed a few important points . . .” Let the other part know what this part of you thinks, feels, and wants. Why does this issue feel so important to this part of you? What is at stake?
When this part has said its piece, switch chairs again. Before you start talking, make sure you are in touch with the thoughts and feelings of the first part again. Look right at the other chair, and talk to it. What did that other part miss? Help the other part see this through your eyes, when you are sitting in this part of yourself.
Continue moving back and forth, staying in each perspective for long enough to carry the conversation a little deeper than before. Don’t just switch at the first impulse to do so, or you’ll end up with a somewhat superficial argument between two dueling parts, and you won’t make much progress.
When things start to wind down, take a minute to take stock. It might help to respond to these points:
Restate the dilemma. Sometimes moving between chairs reveals that the dilemma is exactly what you thought it was, and other times it turns out that it is a little different than you originally thought. “A part of me thinks _______, and another part of me thinks_______.”
Sometimes things become confusing because a third viewpoint arises. Give it its own chair, and see what emerges. Sometimes a third (or fourth!) part is a subset of one of the other parts. In that case, as you continue moving between chairs exploring your dilemma, they might reintegrate.
Sometimes they actually belong to a tangential dilemma. In that case, let them know you are focusing on just one dilemma at a time. They will get their turn next time.
Other times, a third part is entirely different. For instance, sometimes a really critical, semi-self-abusive part may emerge. If a scolding, shaming, or punitive side appears, you will need to figure out a way to deal with the critical part, so you can take a deep breath and start to feel some freedom of choice again. That might be a project you can undertake on your own, if you are good at assessing and making changes in your life in the direction of self-love and self-care. Otherwise, a therapist can certainly help you with this project.
Can you identify a part that aspires to grow, change, or stretch in a positive way, and another part that is frightened, cautious, or reluctant to make that change, or rebellious, pissed off, and resentful about considering making a change? If so, the next step is to facilitate a conversation between those two parts. From your aspirational part, ask the worried, rebellious, or resentful part about its feelings and concerns, until you are quite clear what that part is protecting you from. What kind of negative outcome is it trying to prevent by getting in the aspirational part’s way?
From the aspirational part, thank the protective part for doing its job of protection. The protective part came about some time ago, possibly when you were very young, for the purpose of preventing something bad from happening. Thank goodness it has been on board, helping you out all this time. Don’t make the mistake of suggesting that this part has to go. You would never have made it this far without all the protective parts you have. Thank them and honor them. Then make some decisions about how they are needed today, on a case-by-case basis, with the understanding that now you have adult resources and capabilities.
Assess whether there is still a clear and present danger, or if the perception of danger is being blown out of proportion. Most protective parts (but not all) are acting on old information, based on past experiences in which we were much less powerful or much more dependent than we usually are as adults.
If your adult self is not in real danger, see if you can come up with a short-term experiment the aspirational part could run to explore the territory. This experiment would allow you to investigate whether you, as a whole adult person, might have some effective strategies for keeping yourself safe, so that the protective part can take a step back and relax for a minute.
When you start to see a possible action-based experiment emerging, frame it as such, and use your two chairs to explore how both parts could agree to collaborate to run that experiment. To succeed, you will have to honor both parts, meet their needs, address their concerns, and follow through on any agreement you make to reassess after a period of time. For example, let’s say you’re working with a dilemma about whether to stay in a relationship or leave. One experiment might be to speak up in your relationship about things that are important to you that you didn’t used to speak up about, for a month just to try it. You would have to figure out how to handle your discomfort and any fears you have about consequences so your protective part can relax enough to allow the experiment, but if your other option is to leave, it makes sense to try this or another meaningful experiment first.
Any time you feel confused or uncertain about a course of action or it turns out that you didn’t follow through on something in the way you hoped or thought you would, or you are ambivalent about making an agreement with a partner, it is worth delving into what internal dilemma might be right under the surface. This exercise is often used by therapists but can just as easily be done at home. If you think you might get into some challenging material and want a therapist for support, do it for the first few times in a therapy room. But if you feel pretty confident you will be able to manage whatever comes up, go ahead and try it on your own.
Variations:
You can do this exercise without moving between chairs by referring to something like, “On one hand . . . and on the other hand.”
You can do this quietly, and without chairs, using a journal. Write the different viewpoints on separate pages or with different colored ink, but don’t skimp on getting in touch with the feelings of the parts of the dilemma.
Play with it, and see if other variations emerge and feel useful to you.
APPENDIX F
Crafting Your Unique Open Relationship Handout Set
These handouts relate specifically to creating an open relationship and cover discussion points, as well as handling common stumbling blocks. Included are the following:
Imagining Many Forms of Open Helps identify, as an expansion exercise, what is important to you and helps you figure out how to craft a relationship that will help you get it.
Discussion Topics for Intimate Relationships Provides a robust list of topics people might consider discussing when opening their relationship, organized by category. Most are also relevant to monogamous relationships.
Consolidating Information, Working Toward Action Guides the transition from exploration of topics, thoughts, feelings, and preferences to decision-making, by offering processes that support effective action plans.
How I Plan to Handle New Relationship Energy Helps create an individual and effective plan for predictable challenges that enables careful thought and values-led guidance that would be difficult to achieve in the throes of emotion.
IMAGINING MANY FORMS OF OPEN
There are infinite ways to arrange an open relationship. Good news: That means the sky’s the limit. But it also means it is worth taking the time to consider what you think might actually work for you and what you would prefer not to try quite yet. Open relationships tend to evolve throughout time. Partners may run a cautious experiment and see how it goes; if it goes well, their confidence and feeling of safety grows, and they may eventually end up with a form of open relationship they would not have originally thought possible. There’s plenty of room to explore and discover what works for you, and there’s no reason to go for the hardest thing you can imagine right from the start.
Use these questions to guide your thinking and discussion about your preferences. Ask yourself what feels fairly easy to you and what feels challenging. Make sure you identify what would be challenging about it or what could potentially make it work; those details are the keys to figuring out a good plan with a high chance of success.
