Polyamory, page 34
Working with this kind of situation is interesting to me, because the partner who had the affair may never have had the opportunity to examine all of these options honestly. Most people haven’t really considered polyamory as a viable option, most partners don’t have sufficient support to seriously discuss it, and most therapists don’t bring it up in this type of situation. I truly believe that the demographic of people who engage in infidelity should give careful consideration to what they believe about monogamy, transparency, agreements, reliability, fidelity, responsibility, and every other related and relevant topic. This population will have more successful relationships in the future if they carefully consider what they want in relationships and how they need to grow to create the life they want. I don’t have a stake in the game and don’t care which of the many available options a person chooses, but I do have a bias: I have a strong dislike of infidelity and would much prefer to support personal development toward relational connection. Even if someone decides they want to have no commitments, be a completely free agent, and only have lots of casual connections, at least they can be honest about it and find willing partners who consent on those terms.
A WORD ABOUT SERIAL MONOGAMY
I’d like to take a moment to discuss the cultural construct of serial monogamy. Serial monogamy is culturally condoned and very common, but it’s also optional. If a person thinks they have to end a relationship to start another and frequently develops crushes they want to act on, they are unlikely to get the opportunity to develop long, deep intimate connections. To me, that’s a little sad, especially if they would like to develop long-term connections. I often wonder how much serial monogamy would decrease if people knew that nonmonogamy was a workable option. If someone aspires to develop a long-term, committed connection, and also wants to experience new love periodically, they can probably figure out a way to do that.
Wanting to experience new love periodically does not make you shallow or incapable of commitment. Therapists are in a profession that highly values relational connection; shouldn’t we be fostering it where we can? I’m just not ready to sell out this demographic. Instead, I want to help them craft a life with as much depth, connection, and dependability as they desire. I want them to know polyamory exists, as a strongly principled alternative to serial monogamy.
THE AFTERMATH OF BROKEN AGREEMENTS
The key to preventing broken agreements is making them well in the first place. I discuss this in great depth in chapter 11, “Negotiating Polyamory: Forming Good Agreements,” so I won’t repeat myself here. But it’s worth taking some time to talk about how to deal with the aftermath of broken agreements.
Helping clients have conversations after broken agreements is a special art form, and having those conversations in your own relationships is even more challenging because your emotions are so close. In both cases, the key is understanding, from your partner’s perspective, how they decided to do the thing that broke your heart and why they didn’t feel comfortable sharing it with you at the time. That is one of the most difficult conversations partners can have and also one of the most potentially transformative. To create some structure for a conversation like this one, refer to the I/I process described in chapter 9. For a discussion of how to make a good repair, refer to chapter 16, “Recovering from Polyamory Gone Wrong.”
INFIDELITY IN POLYAMORY
The culture of polyamory values transparency, consent, open communication, and respect for all partners; however, that doesn’t mean individuals in polyamorous relationships are immune from engaging in deception or unethical behavior. Any broken agreement regarding interactions with another person can be considered infidelity in a polyamorous relationship. Because of the level of differentiation required to have hard conversations, broken agreements of all types happen along the learning curve, as people become more confident and competent holding steady, working relationally as a trust-building team, tolerating differences, and managing their expectations and desire to control outcomes. For more on the many ways polyamory can go wrong and how to help clients recover from it, see chapter 16, “Recovering from Polyamory Gone Wrong.”
CHAPTER 15
Working with Mono-Polyams and Reluctant Polyams
WHAT IS A MONO-POLYAM?
A mono-polyam is a person who identifies as monogamous (meaning that they prefer to have only one intimate romantic relationship at a time), who finds themselves in a relationship with someone who identifies as polyamorous.
WHAT IS A MONO-POLYAM RELATIONSHIP?
This is how I refer to a relationship in which one partner considers themselves to be polyamorous, while the other considers themselves to be monogamous. The polyamorous partner may have one or several other partners, or they may simply be open to other relationships. But in any case, one partner has, pursues, or remains open to extradyadic connections, while the other doesn’t.
This is different from a polyamorous relationship in which one partner doesn’t currently have an extradyadic relationship. That’s just a polyamorous relationship with a polyamorous partner who is currently single, whereas in a mono-polyam relationship, the monogamous partner is making a conscious choice to be monogamous.
IT’S A LITTLE CONTROVERSIAL
If you do a little reading about polyamory, you will probably read that mono-polyam relationships simply don’t work. Polyamorous people are often advised not to expect things to work out with monogamous partners, and monogamous partners will probably hear discouragement from every corner—friends, family members, and even their therapists. As a result, when couples consider opening their relationship, they often assume both have to be polyamorous.
I disagree with the conventional wisdom. As far as I’m concerned, mono-polyam relationships are completely workable. This isn’t just a theory: I personally know a number of happy, satisfied monogamous people who are in relationships with polyamorous people. From the evidence of my own experience, then, I can honestly say that this relationship structure exists in happy, healthy, adaptive forms that stand the test of time. I have also helped a lot of couples create this form of relationship and seen it work very well even with a rough start. I hate to think that people who love one another deeply would give up on their relationship just because one wants to have other partners and the other does not. At the very least, they should consider taking a deep dive into whether it might be workable after all.
Can a monogamous person feel deeply valued, chosen, appreciated, upheld, uplifted, and securely attached in a relationship that’s not romantically and sexually exclusive? I think people who believe monopolyam isn’t workable tend to assume the answer to this question is “no.” But clearly it can happen, at least in some instances, because I’ve seen it. The project boils down to each individual figuring out if they want to make that happen in their own relationship. As a therapist, I’m interested in helping people who want to do it find the tools and support for doing so. Ultimately, each person will have to assess for themselves if their relationship is workable.
WHAT DOES A HAPPY, HEALTHY MONO-POLYAM LOOK LIKE?
The people who make a mono-polyam relationship work well are often highly differentiated, strongly values-led, and deeply relational. They also tend to have impressive self-awareness. Ironically, I think this is part of why therapists tend to think this relationship style doesn’t work: Many of the best examples I know of never went to relational therapy, because they didn’t need to. By definition, therapists see the people who need help with their relationships; that means we miss out on the people who are in highly differentiated relationships, have shared values and secure bonds with their partners, and can sort out together what will work for everyone involved with relatively little fuss.
By definition, you won’t see one of those successful-without-therapy mono-polyam partnerships in your office, so I want to give you a snapshot of what it looks like. This is a true account, from the monogamous member of a long-term, healthy mono-polyam couple:
In the 25 years my (lesbian) partner and I have been together, I’ve had no real interest in being in another sexual or romantic relationship and don’t imagine that will change in my lifetime. My spouse, however, has had another relationship—with a man—for more than a decade, with my knowledge, consent, and support.
I think I always knew that nonmonogamy was a possibility in my spouse’s mind. When I first expressed romantic interest in her, she was in the process of getting involved again with an ex-girlfriend—in fact, moving to another state to live with her and try to make a go of it—but as I recall, neither of us let that rule out the possibility of exploring whatever might develop between us. And what developed was at first a long-distance relationship in which I guess you could say I was her secondary lover. That had its uncomfortable aspects for me, mostly having to do with uncertainty about what our future would/could be and the particular relationship she had with the ex; however, there were also ways in which it was a relief to me that she was involved with someone else. I was worried about getting involved with someone who would want to be attached at the hip and not let me have the space I needed—and by then I’d dated a couple of people with whom I felt that. Not being her “everything” right from the start gave me a great sense of freedom and room to fall in love with her without those kinds of fears.
Almost 20 years ago my partner first met the man who has come to be another significant partner/lover for her. At first it was a case of friendship and shared interests between them, and gradually it evolved into a sexual relationship. My partner was very honest and open about it from day one, and the fact that I was in the loop from the beginning certainly contributed to the success of our situation. I had plenty of time to get used to the idea that they might someday become more involved, and she has always made sure I know that her primary partnership is with me, that she chooses me, lives with me, has made a home with me, is married to me, and wants to grow old with me.
In the early stages of her involvement with him, I believe she would have stopped pursuing that relationship if I had been truly unhappy and distressed by it. But I wasn’t. In fact, I appreciated that she had someone else with whom to share interests I didn’t share—and that aspect has continued throughout the years. She and I are very close, and she shares her vocational and personal processes and struggles with me, but I don’t want or need to be her sole support. I appreciate that she has him to process things with.
Sure, I’ve had moments of annoyance or jealousy but nothing lasting. Actually, I think the times I’ve struggled most have been when it seemed like the two of them were struggling or she was unhappy with the situation with him; I’ve gotten mad at him on her behalf a number of times.
Our situation works well for us. He stays with us one night a week and is an active and positive part of our life but doesn’t live with us. Sometimes he helps around the house or works with one or both of us on various projects. I like that when the two of them spend time apart from me in the house, I have the chance to focus on my own things, without distractions. Sometimes, when they are together, I come home late and dinner is ready.
I like to spend time around him as well—I can honestly say we’re friends—and I enjoy having a little bit of male energy in the house; I was raised with four brothers. I think it has helped that I have known him all along and know without a doubt that he highly respects me and my relationship with her. He makes her happy, which makes me happy. They are considerate and don’t make me feel like a third wheel when we’re all together.
I sometimes go out of my way to make it possible for them to spend time alone together—on occasion they’ve spent part of a weekend together at our house, and I’ve jumped at the chance to go off and have a personal retreat somewhere else. Since I crave time by myself anyway, it’s not a sacrifice, and they try hard to make sure it isn’t an inconvenience for me.
Here, I see a strong, loving partnership, with warmth, a sense of community, and deep respect for each partner’s unique self. Would this couple have been well-served, when they were first considering a monopolyam partnership, by being told, “It rarely works?” I don’t think so.
Of course, in my work as a therapist, I’ve also seen mono-polyam couples that come to me with huge differences of opinion, entrenched impasses, and lots of conflict. Sometimes, after working with the relationship for a while, the partners decide to break up. Occasionally, they might decide to try monogamy again. Interestingly, I’ve also seen some of these pretty nonideal situations ultimately evolve into workable mono-polyamory. It’s certainly not textbook, but it’s still successful for the long haul. Go figure. If you want to help people in this situation explore their full range of options, you must develop some ways of thinking and talking about this that go further than our cultural script. They can find a zillion other therapists, friends, and family to tell them polyamory is prohibitively difficult or not workable. You will be able to help them much more effectively if you can have a frank conversation about belief systems, goals, challenges, and their ability to create what they are able to envision. They will probably have to build a lot of emotional muscle and stretch quite a bit, but they need a pep talk more than they need another detractor.
WHAT ABOUT COERCION?
I teach therapists to work with polyamory for many reasons, but one big reason is because I have a soft spot in my heart for the monopolyams. They have even more difficulty finding good help and support than the average polyamorous person. Something about this relationship structure makes a lot of people nervous: Is the monogamous partner sure they know what they’re doing? What are they getting into, and what’s in it for them? Surely this can’t work. Maybe they are being brainwashed, coerced, or taken advantage of. Maybe they aren’t able to figure out what they want or are settling for less than they deserve due to low self-esteem. These concerns don’t just come from monogamous people. Even within the polyamorous community it can be hard to find support for this relationship style.
Of course, in some cases, there might be reason to worry. Therapists often ask me, “How can I tell the difference between consensual nonmonogamy and something that is coercive, manipulative, or takes advantage of one partner?”
I think this is an important question. I also think it reveals some fears about polyamory. Let’s start from the viewpoint that polyamory can be totally workable, just like monogamy. Let’s also keep in mind that having a monogamous relationship doesn’t ensure that there isn’t coercion or manipulation, or that one partner isn’t taking advantage of the other. Additionally, the idea that monogamy is the most natural or normal relationship setup is a belief system, not a universal truth. With those ideas as a foundation, I will ask a couple of provocative questions:
How can you tell the difference between a healthy, consensual monogamous relationship and one that is coercive, manipulative, or takes advantage of one partner?
Why do we assume it is potentially coercive for one partner to want polyamory but totally okay for another partner to require sexual exclusivity? Is it possible that demanding sexual exclusivity could be manipulative, controlling, or coercive?
I don’t intend to be flip about this, nor am I trying to promote polyamory for everyone, or anyone. I’m not asking you to change your belief system, either. I’m just hoping to help you find effective ways to consider these important distinctions. Your clients need you to be able to help them achieve well-functioning polyamory. They also need you to be able to identify and help with icky, coercive dynamics that border on abuse.
Without a doubt, there are some polyamorous situations that are coercive, manipulative, or otherwise questionable and icky. If you are in a relationship yourself that involves a coercive, manipulative aspect, please engage a skilled therapist to help you figure out your next steps. You may be able to shift the dynamic in your relationship, or you may not, but a therapist can give you a reality check about what you are experiencing and perceiving. If you are in fact ready to leave your relationship, a therapist can help you figure out how to do so without having abusive relational dynamics go from bad to dangerous, or dangerous to deadly. If you are a therapist reading this book to help clients and others, you probably have good radar for detecting manipulation and coercion, as well as abuse. If you truly believe that polyamory can be workable, you will be able to tell the difference between healthy polyamory and coercion in therapy, just as you do with any other kind of relationship. Your intuition is your best guide when it comes to detecting coercion. When your gut says “ick,” there is likely a problem, unless your gut says “ick” simply from hearing that someone wants to open their relationship. If you check your bias and honestly don’t have a problem with a client choosing polyamory, I’m pretty confident that any “ick” you detect is actually an indicator of a problem. See chapter 6, “The Therapist: Bias, Strengths, and Challenges,” for more on identifying and working with bias.
UNCERTAIN MONO-POLYAMS: DISCOVERING WHAT’S POSSIBLE
Let’s imagine a monogamous person who is considering being in a mono-polyam relationship but finds the situation challenging. They love their polyamorous partner deeply, but there are serious challenges. Perhaps they experience a lot of jealousy; carry past wounds from a history of infidelity; lack necessary information about polyamory; or come from a family with conservative ideas about what relationships, commitment, and fidelity look like. Nonetheless, they want help figuring out if they can craft a relationship that works for them with the person they want to be with, who just happens to be polyamorous. This mono-polyam will probably need to take a deep look at their values and beliefs to come to terms with what they want to do. They might benefit from the following:
