Polyamory, page 51
These questions are designed to help you consider a full range of options. Don’t let yourself be limited by my questions or what you think a relationship must look like; feel free to think up your own questions and your own unique relationship configurations. If you have a fear or an idea that doesn’t appear on my list, put it on the list and discuss it. Also, while I’ve listed these in brief form, each question could certainly prompt a detailed and in-depth conversation. Make sure to discuss any that bring up strong feelings for you; it’s better to have a charged discussion of a hypothetical issue than discover those strong feelings by accident at an inconvenient moment.
At the end of the exercise, there is a place to take notes. You can use it to keep track of those topics you need more information about so you can do further research on your options.
The kinds of relationships that interest me most are those that have the following qualities:
I’m mostly interested in relationships that allow me to have the following kinds of experiences:
I’m mostly interested in relationships with the following amounts of depth and emotional closeness:
I’m mostly interested in relationships with the following amounts of physical and/or sexual closeness/activity:
I currently imagine myself being with the following types of partner(s):
The type of relationship I imagine having with my metamours (my partners’ partners) is . . .
The type of relationship I imagine my partner(s) having with my other partners is . . .
When I imagine someone I’m involved with falling in love with someone else, I feel . . .
When I imagine myself falling in love with someone, while also having another partner, I feel . . .
One thing I think would really work well for me would be . . .
When I imagine my ideal relationship situation, I picture . . .
My thoughts about hierarchy in a nonmonogamous relationship are . . .
As you consider your thoughts about these questions, you might want to review chapter 1, “Consensual Nonmonogamies,” for definitions and broad strokes describing various existing relationship types, so you can consider nuanced combinations of monogamy, mongamish, swinging, polyamory, polyfidelity, etc. Remember, if you can imagine it, you can try it.
DISCUSSION TOPICS FOR INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS
The first two topics on this list, fidelity and connection, will help any partners clarify their feelings about important material. Lack of discussion of these topics has led to all sorts of relationship misunderstandings, so please roll up your sleeves and have some talks. You don’t have to be planning to open your relationship to have these discussions.
Safety; primacy; visibility; time, money, and other resources; disclosures; and negotiation are all topics that are relevant to any form of open relationship. Discussing these topics can help you figure out what type of open relationship might serve you, if any. These conversations will surface some issues that can blindside you if not discussed, and it is better to see them coming.
If you would benefit from having some structure for your discussions, use the initiator/inquirer process.
If you need to generate some extra ideas or get help thinking outside the box in any of these areas, refer to the “30 Ideas No Matter How Silly: Brainstorming Process” handout in appendix D.
Fidelity:
What does fidelity mean to you?
When do you feel secure emotionally?
What do you do to make yourself feel emotionally secure?
What does your partner do that results in you feeling emotionally secure?
There are many aspects of sexuality, and your feelings about all of them may not be the same. Your feelings might also be situational or specific to a particular person or gender. Here are some topics that commonly come up when discussing fidelity, or perceiving infidelity: Fantasy about other people
Fantasy about particular activities we don’t do together
Watching pornography
Reading erotic stories
Self-pleasure when alone
Self-pleasure with your partner present
Sexting
Flirting
Connecting emotionally
Connecting emotionally or socially on social media, or sexually with an ex, or with another specific person
Discussing your relationship with someone else/another friend or partner
Erotic connection using technology
Connection:
What does your partner do that really lights you up?
What do you do that lights your partner up?
What do you do that lights you up?
Who else is in your life that contributes to you feeling whole and amazing?
Who do you have special connections with that you don’t want to lose? What is special about those connections? What do they bring to you and your relationships with others?
Do you have any special connections with others that make you nervous in any way?
Does your partner have any special connections that make you nervous?
Regarding connections that make you nervous, what are you nervous or fearful about?
What type of connections would you like to have more of in your life?
What people or activities do you think would add to your experience of connection?
What types of outside connections do you think strengthen your relationship(s) with others?
What types of outside connections do you think weaken your relationship(s)?
Safety:
What are your thoughts and feelings about physical safety when dating others?
What are your thoughts and feelings about sexual safety when dating others?
Do you know what you need to know about sexually transmitted infections to make good decisions and strong agreements?
If not, what do you need to know? The American Sexual Health Association is a great resource, as is Planned Parenthood.
What are your thoughts and feelings about the safety of your children, housemates, or other family members when dating others?
Do you have fears about any of your shared resources or any other safety concern to discuss?
Primacy:
Do you imagine having a primary/secondary relationship structure if you decided to try polyamory? If not, what do you imagine instead?
What is it about primary/secondary that you like and are drawn to?
What is it about primary/secondary that worries you or that you think could be problematic?
Are there things you do with your partner that you would like to reserve for doing just with them? (This could be anything from kissing to going on international trips.)
What is it about those things that feels special?
What are some ways you could keep those things special?
How do you imagine handling a difference of opinion with a partner about doing certain activities with others?
Are there some things that are particularly difficult for you to think about your partner doing with other people or another person?
What is it about those things that feel special, important, or unique?
What are some ways you could keep your relationship feeling special and unique? (Think of some ways that don’t limit activities and some that do.)
How do you feel when you imagine having your activities with another person curtailed by your partner’s preferences? Are there some activities you have stronger feelings about than others?
How do you feel when you imagine requesting that your partner curtail their activities to match your comfort level or preference? Again, are there certain activities you have stronger feelings about than others?
Visibility:
What are your feelings about other people, family, friends, or coworkers knowing about your (some form of open) relationship?
How do you feel when you think about telling other people? (Your feelings might vary from person to person; discuss any that feel relevant.)
How do you feel when you think about not telling others and keeping it private?
What are the pros and cons of telling/not telling important people?
What are your thoughts about telling your children about your open relationship?
How do you feel about public displays of affection with another partner?
Do you care if your partner has PDAs with others?
What constitutes a PDA?
How do you want to handle questions or judgments someone might have about, for instance, a perception of some infidelity as a result of not knowing about your relationship agreements?
Is there at least one person you can agree would be a safe person to discuss opening your relationship with? If there is more than one person, make a list. It can backfire if you don’t have sufficient support, so see if you can find at least one person to agree on, or else find a therapist or coach to meet that need.
Time:
When you imagine opening your relationship, what challenges do you imagine arising regarding allocation of time?
How much time do you imagine spending with other partners?
How much time do you imagine your partner(s) spending with other partners?
Do you feel relaxed and secure about the amount of time you spend with your current partner(s)? If not, why not?
Does time feel like a limited commodity?
Do you know where your time goes? If not, write it down for a week and see where you might be able to reallocate some time from less important things to more important things
Do you feel connected when you are with your partner? If not, what could increase the feeling of connection you get with the time you have together?
Do you feel relaxed and connected to yourself? If you aren’t getting high-quality time alone and you need it, the lack will undermine multiple aspects of your life.
What do you most love to do alone? Make a list of things you love to do alone. Keep it handy. This can help you find something enjoyable to do if you ever find yourself alone with nothing to do.
What do you love to do with your partner? Make a list and keep it handy, too. This will help you choose high-reward activities when you have the opportunity to make a conscious choice.
Are there times you and your partner particularly love being together and times you don’t so much? What activities do you enjoy together, and what things don’t you like to do together? If so, that information might help you plan how and when to spend time with others. For instance, maybe that other date is your yardwork buddy, or is amazing at helping with the kids, or really enjoys batch-cooking meals for the week.
Money and Other Resources:
Does money feel like a limited commodity to you? To your partner?
Do you have concerns about financial resources in your current relationship situation? What are your concerns?
Do you have concerns about financial resources related to opening your relationship? What are your concerns?
Are there resources other than time and money that you have concerns about related to opening your relationship? What are your concerns?
How comfortable are you talking about money?
What are some ways you can imagine handling money matters regarding opening up your relationship that would feel comfortable to you?
Disclosures:
When do you want to know that your partner(s) is interested in someone new?
When do you want to tell your partner(s) that you are interested in someone new?
How much do you want to know about what your partner does with other people?
How much do you want to share about your activities with other people?
How comfortable are you with either of you discussing your relationship, challenges, struggles, or issues with another partner? Are there circumstances or topics where your feelings about this vary?
How much do you want to hear about struggles your partner(s) might be having with another partner?
How much would you like to tell your partner(s) about struggles you might be having with another partner?
If you are considering don’t ask/don’t tell, how would you like to handle emergencies that might require sharing information?
Negotiation:
How much advance notice do you like to have for changes in plans? Does it matter whose plans?
Are there exceptions? How would you like to handle emergencies that result in changes in plans or exceptions to agreements you have in place?
When do you want to hear about your partner’s desire to renegotiate some aspect of your relationship agreements? (Tip: Don’t wait until it’s time sensitive.)
How do you plan to make it easy for your partner to share something uncomfortable with you?
How willing are you to bring up something that your partner might have trouble hearing?
How confident are you that you and your partner(s) can be honest with one another and discuss the hidden assumptions and particulars of any given agreement? This is important, because if you are not confident about that or you have a partner who is not confident about it, that would be a reason to get to know a therapist or coach who can help you every now and then.
How comfortable are you discussing the particulars of your relationship agreements? How comfortable is your partner?
Do you tend toward oversharing or undersharing? Do you tend to avoid conflict or thrive on a spirited exchange of views? How about your partner(s)? Discuss your different unique styles of conversation and what might be challenging topics, so you know how to help one another and make sure you cover the ground with important discussions. For instance, if vacations are a hot-button issue for one of you, the other(s) should not wait until the last minute if they want to discuss something about vacation or renegotiate an agreement. A difficult topic will benefit from especially careful communication and lots of positive feedback for the struggling partner(s).
CONSOLIDATING INFORMATION, WORKING TOWARD ACTION
You should now be aware of some areas of agreement and disagreement, and know which areas bring up emotions and blocks, and which areas are relatively easy and straightforward. Use this worksheet or a spreadsheet modeled on it to consolidate information from your conversations and reflections, and assess whether you are ready to make some decisions. This worksheet can be used by you individually if you are trying to figure out how you want to set things up for yourself, or it can be used by a couple, throuple, or more. Just adjust the questions to fit your situation.
List the things you have identified that you are at least 80% clear on with yourself. If you are making decisions with a partner or partners, list the things that all of you are in at least 80% easy agreement on.
List the things you have identified for which there is a lot of emotional load and a lack of clarity about how to resolve the issue.
List the things you have identified for which there is a lot of emotional load but you are at least 75% clear on a course of action that might be a good starting point.
List the things you need more information about and make a note about where you think you might be able to get that information.
Go back to item 1. These are the aspects of your relationship you are most clear about or have the most agreement on. This would be a logical place to start because there is less emotional load here and near-perfect agreement. Make a list of manageable experiments you could run regarding these issues. Be prepared for things to evolve; just because you have near-perfect agreement doesn’t necessarily mean things will go according to plan. Even with a strong start, for example, 80% agreement across the board, plan to try an experiment or set of experiments and revisit after a reasonable interval.
Go back to item 2. This is a list of topics to focus on, in either therapy or structured, careful initiator/inquirer-type discussions on your own.
Go back to item 3. This list is a place where you might run some experiments but with careful consideration for those who are experiencing a lot of emotion or challenge. What supports or structures might you put in place to help those who are stretching? Stretching yourself to experience something you think may be uncomfortable is an honorable project. If you or a partner are in that situation, it is important that they not feel alone or unsupported. Consider starting with one small experiment in one of these areas, and practice giving a lot of positive feedback for courage, bravery, holding steady, building new skills, trying new things, and generally being a superhero of personal and relational growth. Revisit the experiment after a relatively short interval.
Go back to item 4. Open relationships involve pretty big learning curves for most people. It’s useful to figure out what you need to know more about to make good decisions, support yourself and your partners, or move forward in any manner. What have you discovered that you would like to know more about? I’ve listed some typical items that come up fairly frequently and included some potential resources for each entry, but you may have others. Do some internet research about anything you need help with, or reach out to your local CNM (consensual nonmonogamy) community.
Practice safer sex to avoid contracting or spreading sexually transmitted infections. Planned Parenthood website.
American Sexual Health Association website.
Access your local polyamory groups and supports. Look for meetup groups, poly cocktails, or sex geeks meetings, or do an internet search for polyamory in your area.
Learn more about various configurations of possible relationships and decision-making structures, and how people have made polyamory work. The following books come to mind. Feel free to do your own research and look for others. Designer Relationships by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Stories from the Polycule: Real Life in Polyamorous Families by Elisabeth Sheff.
Explore swinging. Do an internet search for swinger lifestyle (your state).
