Polyamory, page 46
What Happens When You’re Triggered
When triggered, you can no longer access the parts of your brain that use logic or, possibly more importantly, empathy. The thinking, connecting, and processing parts of your brain are disconnected in this stressed-out state. It takes quite a bit of time to metabolize all those stress hormones and become able to access logical thought, curiosity, and empathy again. In a relationship context, the pivotal moment is the one when a discussion turns into a fight. Voices are raised, fingers pointed, and doors slammed, and you see your partner as “them” rather than “us” and go to war. You or your partner are likely to say hurtful things that you will later regret.
Later, if you try to remember exactly what happened during the fight, you’re going to remember every bad feeling and every hurtful thing that was said. So will your partner, but the two of you probably won’t be able to agree on the sequence of events that led to this situation or exactly what happened. Once that discussion became a fight, your self-protective brain took charge of focusing on every negative feeling or perceived slight, and the logical and connecting parts of your brain couldn’t establish a coherent sequence of events and store it in an orderly fashion. This is why it is not productive to go back over an old fight blow by blow.
Time-Out!
If you get triggered during an argument with your partner, anything you say or do is likely to damage your relationship. When you’re triggered, your options quickly become limited to fight, flee, fawn, faint, or freeze. If you fight, you will say hurtful things you can’t take back. If you shut down or leave the scene, your partner will perceive it as abandonment, which may be less dramatic but is just as damaging.
Because you love your partner and don’t want to say or do hurtful things, or create a messy tangle that is hard to unravel later, you both need to agree on a strategy that reminds you to stop talking, interacting, and causing damage, and start self-soothing, dialing back the stress, and getting some calm under your feet.
Here’s the strategy: When an interaction starts to heat up, you take a “timeout.” No last words, no final attempts to “win”—just time out. You can return to the issue later, when you can once again access empathy, logic, and curiosity.
When you call a time-out, it’s important to do it in an intentional way. You might want to say it in a nasty voice and storm out, tossing a rude gesture or insult over your shoulder as you slam the door, but that’s probably not the most effective way to leave the discussion. Later on, your partner is going to remember that attempt to end the conflict as cruelty not kindness.
Of course, it would be better if you could say something like, “I love you, and because I don’t want to hurt you by saying something I’ll regret later, I’m going to take a time-out and go to the gym. Don’t forget I love you, and I’ll be back soon.” That would be ideal, but most of us can’t manage that level of kindness and warmth when we’re triggered. The time-out method is designed to help you call a time-out quickly, efficiently, and without causing damage.
The following is a step-by-step walk-through of how to use the time-out method in your next fight.
Step 1: Plan Ahead
Maybe it sounds silly to plan ahead for a fight, but it’s essential that you and your partner talk about your time-out strategy before you’re in the middle of a conflict.
Reflect with your partner on your conflict styles. Think: What do you do when you get triggered? Do you try to escape, convince, stonewall, or attack? Do you get defensive, roll your eyes and cross your arms, get sarcastic, become whiny and overly conciliatory, or just shut down? What kind of damage does that do? Note how your self-protective brain is affecting you and recognize that those are defensive postures designed to save you, not help your partnership. Think about how your partner responds to being triggered, too. When you can identify your partner’s go-to conflict style, it can also help you not take it so personally when they go on the attack or shut down. They’re just triggered. It’s not personal. It’s their “downstairs” brain. If you want them to forgive you when you’re triggered, it’s only fair that you also forgive them. Better yet, call a time-out and have less to apologize for.
Agree on the importance of having a time-out so you don’t continue to hurt one another and set your intention now to use it next time a discussion becomes a fight.
Come up with an easy-to-use signal—something that you can both agree means “I love you, and I’m calling a time-out so we don’t hurt one another,” but that you can realistically do when you’re upset. This could be a hand gesture (preferably not a rude one), a word, a phrase, waving a little white flag you keep on your fridge, or anything else you decide will work.
Pay attention to your reactions. Prepare yourself to use a time-out effectively by learning more about what happens to you when you get triggered and how you can control your response. Getting triggered is a physiological reaction. Even before your conscious brain quite knows what’s happening, your body will react. Next time a minor annoyance interrupts your daily routine, notice if your heart starts to pound or your breathing starts to feel rushed. Learn how your body signals its stress. Recognizing your reaction will give you a chance to control how you proceed, like an early-alert system that tips you off before the fight starts—and therefore gives you a chance to stop, or at least minimize, the damage.
Practice slowing down your response. It’s the nature of a stress reaction to escalate. Your job is to keep that from happening—to get ahead of your own reaction and slow it way down. Otherwise, you won’t be able to access the rational voice that tells you to take a time-out. Understanding how your body responds to being triggered will help you master the skill of slowing down and controlling your response. The good news is that everyday life will probably afford you lots of opportunities to practice. Next time you start to feel your stress reaction, pause and take a deep breath. It’s not as minor as it sounds: Long, slow exhales can actually lower your blood pressure and cortisol levels, shifting you from the threat-response sympathetic nervous system to the calming parasympathetic nervous system. This gives you the chance to slow down and remember your time-out strategy. The more you practice this calming response, the more likely it is that you’ll be able to access it when you and your partner fight.
Step 2: Call a Time-Out
Now that you’ve established your signal, keep it in mind until you and your partner come into conflict or, better yet, when you first start to feel your body reacting in a stressful way. To make this work, you have to be able to identify when you or your partner are starting to get triggered. Watch for these warning signs:
Your voice is rising.
You’re convinced there is only one point of view and that your partner is 100% wrong.
Your heart is racing.
You feel nauseous.
Your face is flushed.
You’re pointing your finger at your partner and saying “You . . . ”
You’re thinking in overgeneralized terms like, “He never supports me” or “She always dismisses my ideas.”
Pay attention to your reactions so you can notice as soon as your self-protective brain starts to kick in. As soon as you notice that a conversation is starting to turn into a fight, use your time-out signal.
Step 3: Separate and Soothe
Once you’ve called a time-out, the conversation is put on pause. You can (and should) return to it later, but you need this time to quiet your brain, metabolize the associated stress hormones, and return to the point from which you can hear your partner’s point of view without getting defensive. Depending on how upset you were, this might take a few seconds, or a few hours, or a full night’s sleep. Here’s how to handle your time-out:
Go to separate spaces. You and your partner need some time apart to return to equilibrium. If you call a time-out but don’t take time off, you’ll jump right back into the conflict without improving anything. Trust me. Take some time to yourself to calm down.
Figure out your self-care plan. This will be different for everyone. The important point is that whatever you choose to do during this time should soothe you, not work you up further. For some people, a treadmill or a run is a really good way to get calm. But for other people, exercise will whip them into a frenzy. You could go to a quiet room and write in your journal, but if you spend that time griping about your partner, you’re going to keep renewing and fueling the upset. Thoughts create feelings; if you have difficulty controlling your thoughts, you might need to take a break from thinking or talking and do something that is purely physical, and purely pleasant. Check out the list at the end of this handout as you consider what will be an effective plan for you. Be mindful of what is likely to work for you and what is likely to be counterproductive, and be prepared to try something and adjust if it doesn’t work.
Take at least 45 minutes. It takes a while for your body to process those stress chemicals. If you took a time-out early, before you got totally triggered, you might be able to get by with just a few deep breaths or a walk around the block, but if you’re fully triggered, you might not really be calm and logical until the next morning or even longer. Don’t engage in the conversation again until you and your partner are both completely calm, even if that means you have to wait a few days. You will know you are ready to talk again when you can honestly get curious about what your partner was experiencing, why they were upset, or what they were trying to tell you.
Step 4: Reapproach
After you’ve taken the time to calm down, you can decide when to return to the topic. You shouldn’t try to discuss the topic again until you are really ready, but you will need to reapproach and say something connecting or reassuring pretty soon. The person who called the time-out will be in charge of approaching the other. That’s because a time-out can feel like abandonment to the other partner; initiating reconnection will help repair any lingering sense of abandonment. Also, particularly if you have a habit of not returning to conversations about tough topics, it is crucial to establish that a time-out is not an avoidance tactic. If you have a lot of difficulty talking about tough topics, engage a therapist or coach to help you, but don’t just sweep it under the rug.
Initiate conversation with something like, “Okay, that was rough. I want to make sure that we don’t just leave this hanging. So let’s schedule a time that works for both of us to talk about this again.” This will reassure the other partner that, even though you called a time-out, you’re not simply dropping the topic.
Schedule a time to discuss again. Often, “right now” is not the best time. Make sure you both have had enough time to calm down completely and try to choose a moment at which you won’t have other stressors or distractions to deal with.
Step 5: Revisit the Conversation
How exactly you approach the conversation will depend on your particular circumstances. Take some time to figure out how and when to proceed.
Assess your own state of mind. Consider: Are you ready to listen with an open mind to what your partner thinks, feels, and prefers? Are you able to express your thoughts and feelings without blame or finger-pointing? Can you get through a conversation without trying to convince your partner to agree with you? Also take into account how difficult the material you’re trying to discuss is. How triggered did you each get last time? If you both feel ready, by all means sit down and talk.
If you’re not quite there yet but know you can get there, give it some time. Wait until you’re truly calm and feel open, warm, kind, and generous.
Start warm. Spend a few minutes connecting, either by quietly holding hands or exchanging positive feedback or things you love and appreciate about one another. This can help you both get completely relaxed, which is a good place to start a conversation from. You can take short, frequent breaks and help one another calm down in this manner whenever you wish. Starting and ending with positivity and sprinkling lots of positive moments into the conversation will help both of you feel less anxious and guarded about talking together.
If you are feeling shaky, not sure you can get to a really good place, then go slow, carefully monitor your responses, and be ready to call a time-out again.
Control the conversation. Here’s a great strategy if you’re dealing with a particularly triggering topic: Set a timer for 20 minutes, or even less, and stop when the timer goes off. The time limit minimizes the chances that one or both of you will get emotionally exhausted or retriggered. There are a few different ways to handle this technique: Some couples like to take turns, splitting that time in half.
Some prefer to have one partner use all the time and schedule another time for the second partner to have their say.
Feel free to figure out what works best for you. Remember: You can always come back to the conversation and discuss another aspect later. In fact, with a big topic, you may have to come back to it many times, and you can use this technique whenever you do.
Step 6: Time-Out Again?
During your conversation, if you start to feel things spiraling out of control, do the following:
Focus on getting grounded. If you start to feel upset, take a few breaths and slow down.
Pause the conversation and have a feel-good moment together. Hold hands, talk about positive things you appreciate about one another, or go for a little walk together. Remind one another that your love and connection is the entire point of talking things through.
Take a mini time-out. If you catch it early, you might be able to just take a quick walk around the block, go to the bathroom and splash water on your face, or give yourself some other brief moment of calm.
Take another time-out if that doesn’t help.
Take as many breaks as you need to make sure you are only having hard conversations when you have your entire brain onboard. After all, it is the hard conversations you really need your brain for.
Remember, you’re not going to get to any kind of resolution if either of you is too triggered.
Time-Out FAQs
Is It Like This Forever?
No. With practice, you will get better at noticing that you are getting upset before you’re fully triggered. That will make it easier for you to control your responses to conflict. You might be able to just take a couple minutes and walk around the block, and come right back to it. Or the two of you might be able to go for a walk and continue the conversation calmly because you’re moving your bodies or holding hands. Some couples can take a mini time-out by being silent together but connecting by walking the dog or holding hands. Believe it or not, tossing a ball back and forth between you might make it possible for you to continue to talk.
Eventually, you will be able to take a deep breath and remember your point of view is just that—a point of view—and your partner is someone you deeply love and admire, not a wild animal you have to skewer or run from. Wouldn’t it be amazing if you could truly know and understand your partner’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it? When you can get curious and calm, and listen without convincing or blaming, you are ready to talk.
What If We Can’t Do It?
If this technique just isn’t working, for any reason, it might be time to bring a couples therapist into the conversation. The time-out strategy is hard. It involves working against the natural instincts of a part of your brain that has protected you effectively for years and will continue to protect you, thank goodness. The project is learning to discern realistic levels of danger and override the downstairs brain response when things aren’t actually life-threatening. This is not at all easy; however, getting good at this will be necessary for the success of your relationship. Get whatever help you need to have a hard conversation well. You and your relationship are worth it.
Ideas for Self-Soothing
This is a big list of ways to self-soothe. Some of these may work for you, and others may not. Some will get you out of the house, and some you can just do in the next room while the two of you cool down. Take some time to scan the list and really consider which of these activities seem comforting to you. You could even circle some of the most likely options, and refer back to your notes next time you have a fight. Keep in mind that thoughts create feelings; look for strategies that either stop you from thinking entirely, engage your body in pleasant sensations, or shift your thinking to something positive.
Take a walk outside.
Read a beloved novel.
Soak in a warm bath.
Write in your journal. (Do not rehash the fight. You’re trying to break the thought/feeling spiral, not strengthen it.)
Draw or paint.
Meditate.
Go for a jog.
Call a friend and ask them to distract you with something positive or fun. (Do not rehash the fight. You’re trying to break the thought/feeling spiral, not strengthen it.)
Do a yoga routine.
Go swimming.
Listen to soothing music.
Put on an upbeat song and dance.
Watch cute animal videos online.
