Polyamory, page 49
What do you do to actively create an environment of trust and honesty in your relationship? What does your partner do?
What do you do to create a soft landing-place for your partner to make difficult, honest, and vulnerable disclosures? Check with them to see if your efforts are helpful to them or find out what strategies might work better for them.
When you have a choice to make that you know will affect your partner, and you suspect you and your partner will disagree about what you should choose, what feelings do you experience, and what is your thought process? Discuss how you want to show compassion for one another in situations like this.
When you make a mistake that affects your partner, or when your partner feels hurt by something you have done, what emotions do you experience? How do you handle those emotions? How would you like to handle them? Discuss how you each would like to show compassion for one another in situations like this.
MAKING A GOOD REPAIR
There are many situations when a repair is needed. Maybe you said something you regret, told a lie, or caused harm in some way. Maybe you made a choice your partner didn’t agree with or did something your partner feels is a betrayal. Perhaps there is something in your shared past that keeps coming up again and again. Learning to make an effective repair can help in any of these situations, but a good repair goes far beyond “I’m sorry.” This document will guide you through the process of making a good repair. I direct this handout to the person who is initiating a repair for something they did that was hurtful to their partner, but the steps for getting ready are just as applicable to the other partner. A repair takes grit, grace, and stamina for everyone concerned. Don’t rush it, and take breaks if you need to.
Action steps for getting ready to repair:
Get grounded. How will you benefit from a good repair? It will take some time and energy, so get clear on why you think it is important and what you will get out of it.
Trust yourself. You’re strong enough to admit your mistakes and live through it.
Forgive yourself, but don’t let yourself off the hook. Everyone makes mistakes. And all actions have consequences. You are a fabulous human being—and even more so when you take responsibility for your actions, make a good repair, and build a safe and trusting connection that gets stronger throughout time.
Prepare for some discomfort. It is not reasonable to expect trust to grow if you don’t have the grit to really hear your partner’s point of view. For many people, that is very difficult, particularly if you caused discomfort or harm. Some people prepare for discomfort by bracing themselves, but I think it is more effective to get in touch with your highest and best intention, your very best self, and do whatever it takes to stay in touch with that part of you.
While you are in touch with your best self, it should be easy to find generosity in your heart. You will need it for this process to work. If you are not feeling loving and generous, get a therapist, coach, or friend to help you get there first. Making a pseudo-repair from a resentful or cranky place will not build trust or any meaningful connection.
Get comfortable. The best repair takes some time and focus, and that focus should initially be on the injured party or the most distressed person. Prepare to focus on your partner without explaining your perspective for quite some time.
Action steps for making the repair:
Get curious about what your partner’s experience was. What hurt? What was hard? How did your partner perceive events? What interpretation did they put on those events? Make sure you stay with this process until you are very clear and able to say back what went wrong from your partner’s perspective. How would they prefer for you to have handled the situation and why? You need to know it all, and ending this process too soon won’t benefit you, difficult as it may be. Stay with it and show genuine curiosity until you have a feeling of, “Oh! I get it!” Then make sure you can say it back and your partner agrees that you got it.
Express empathy. Once you understand what happened from your partner’s point of view, you can express empathy. That means indicating that you understand how they felt and it makes sense to you. When it goes well, this is what it sounds like: “I now understand that when I did (x), this is what happened for you (description of your partner’s internal experience). I see how you felt (x), and it makes total sense to me that you would feel that way, given the combination of what I did and what it meant to you.”
Apologize. Explain to your partner why you are sorry. Continue to focus on your partner, and resist the impulse to explain your perspective. It will be much better if you save your point of view for later.
Explain what you plan to do differently in the future (if anything). This should go beyond, “It was a mistake, and it won’t happen again.” Your new understanding of the situation will inform your future choices; however, think this through carefully because you must not agree to something you can’t or don’t want to follow through on. The following are some ideas: What exactly would you do differently if you had it to do over again? Think about the choices you made and the choice points as the situation evolved.
Would you want to think about things differently, take responsibility, check in more, and/or communicate more fully?
Maybe there is a way you would like to prevent this situation from occurring again. This should go beyond, “This situation is not likely to recur so let’s move on.” If a similar situation did happen, how would you want it to go?
Are there emotions you would like to deal with differently, to prevent a similar situation from coming up again? Sometimes such emotions as boredom, anxiety, anger, dissatisfaction, or depression can be involved in choices we later regret.
Acknowledge that your partner might have some doubts about your ability to follow through effectively with your plan. This is particularly important if there have been major or recurring breaches of trust in the past. For instance, this might be an acknowledgment that years have gone by with many lies and that it would be a lot to expect a partner to suddenly trust in change just because of one heartfelt conversation. While certainly difficult, this level of repair is respectful of the reality of particularly difficult situations. It is extremely challenging to stick with someone while they do battle with their inner conflict-avoidant demons or tendency toward abundant untruths. Acknowledging that you are asking something big from your partner in the way of newfound trust is a very respectful thing to do. (Thank you to Pete Pearson from the Couples Institute for this concept.)
APPENDIX E
Creating Change Worksheet Set
This set of worksheets is a deep dive into the change process. From identifying useful goals, to working with the neural network of habit and the change process, to getting through blocks, this is a powerful toolkit for changing any aspect of your life, large or small. It includes the following:
Getting Clear on Your Goals Covers the difference between a goal you can meet and a goal that is impossible and will just lead to frustration. This worksheet creates an internal shift that enables the change process to begin.
Creating Personal Change Identifies where you want to go and what it will look like when you get there. This worksheet is about finding the parts of a neural network that holds up a mindset and choosing the mindset you want.
Accessing Motivation Identifies why you are not reaching your goals. Motivation is an important key to success, and accessing personal motivation is an art form.
Creating Change Action Plan Guides a step-by-step process of moving forward in a way that will help you be effective in the ways that are most important to you.
Resolving a Dilemma Using Two Chairs Guides a classic therapy technique from Gestalt therapy. This handout provides magical tools for identifying and working through the inevitable blocks that present themselves when we try to change something.
GETTING CLEAR ON YOUR GOALS
Getting clear on your goals and framing your desires and aspirations for yourself and your relationship in a form you can actually make headway with is crucial. Then begins the process of change. There are several steps you can take that will help you achieve the necessary clarity so you can actually make change happen and start to notice some results.
Make a list of goals you have for yourself. These might start with, “I want to . . .” or something similar. Really consider how you want to show up in your life and your relationship, and what you want to create for yourself. Examples include, “I want to be more creative,” “I want to feel more emotionally balanced,” “I want to feel grounded and patient in discussions with my partner,” “I want to be more vulnerable and less guarded in tough discussions,” etc.
Make a list of desires you have for your partner. These might start with, “I would like it if my partner would. . .” or something similar. It is important to distinguish between things you want to change in yourself (question 1) and things you would like your partner to change (question 2). Examples of desires you have for change in your partner might include the following: “I want my partner to listen to me when I’m upset,” “I want my partner to admit how they hurt me and apologize,” “I want my partner to feel more empowered and happy,” etc.
Now let’s revisit your first list. For each item on your list of things you would like to create in your life, write down any ideas you have about what might be blocking you. For instance, if you wrote, “I want to be more creative,” you might write down such things as the following:
One block to being more creative is poor time management.
I also tend to minimize the importance of creative pursuits and don’t priori-tize them.
Still considering the first list, generate some action steps for each item, based on what you learned from the list of blocks. Using the example of being more creative, what you write down might be as follows:
I could be more creative in how I go about some mundane tasks.
I could spend 15 minutes less on social media and use that time to do something that feels creative.
Now let’s revisit your list of desires for your partner. Since you can’t actually make your partner do these things (or any things), you will have to think about this list differently from the list of goals for yourself.
First, consider each item on the list and decide if there is something about it you want to tell your partner. This might be telling them that something is important to you. Or it might be telling them that you are hoping they will do a particular thing. Put a mark by any of the things on this list that you would like to communicate with your partner about. Communicating about these things is an important step and ideally should be done without blaming or making them feel badly; you just want to let them know what is important to you and why, and what you are hoping they will do in your future together.
Next, you will have to figure out what you might be doing, or not doing, that is making it difficult for your partner to give you want you want with regard to the things on this list. We all have the ability to make it difficult for other people to give us what we want, and, similarly, we also have the ability to make it easier. For each item on your list of things you would like your partner to do, write down a sublist of things you do, have done, or don’t do that make it harder for your partner to accommodate your wishes with regard to those things. For instance, if you put something like, “I would like my partner to own how he has hurt me,” you would ask yourself, “What have I done or said that makes it hard for him to own how he has hurt me?” Some possible examples might be as follows:
I lose my temper or break down crying when we talk about hard things, which makes it hard for my partner to hold up well in those conversations.
I feel resentful but haven’t communicated that to him in a direct and calm way that describes my feelings without shaming or blaming him.
I haven’t really taken the time to think about what would facilitate a repair, so I haven’t really made a concrete request that he could respond to.
Now consider some positive steps you could take that might make it easier for your partner to do what you would like them to do. Look at my examples from earlier and notice how they point to some slight pivots that would probably make a difference in the outcome. In the first example, I might decide to manage my emotions so I don’t break down crying. In the second, I might give some thought to how to describe my own emotions without shaming or blaming my partner for them. In the third example, I might think about what a good repair would feel like and have a specific discussion about why that would feel important to me, and ask how my partner would feel about doing those things.
If you have no ideas about what you could do that might make a difference to your partner in some of these areas, your action step would be to ask them. For instance, “I really wish you would clean up the kitchen after you cook. I wonder if there is anything I could do that would help you feel willing or able to do that?” Of course, your partner might not have any interest in doing it, but if they do have at least a little interest in the project, and can give you some feedback, it will be very helpful for making progress in that area.
Now that you have worked your way through these exercises, you may have identified a lot of possible goals for yourself. It won’t help if you get flooded, and it won’t help to divide your attention in too many ways, because then you won’t have the amount of focus you need to actually create change.
Making the Rubber Meet the Road
Look at your lists and see if you notice any themes. For instance, you might see a theme that has to do with managing your emotions in a variety of circumstances. Or you might see a theme that has to do with sharing things about your thoughts, feelings, or desires with your partner more openly or without blame. Or you might notice that you haven’t communicated many of your desires to your partner, in which case just doing that may be a sufficient first step. If there are any themes, write them down.
Select one thing or theme that you plan to focus on first. This should be something that, when it shifts, will make a big difference in your life and, ideally, also your relationship. Write down the one thing you will focus on first, and commit to it. Write at least one positive statement, a mission statement, that includes the goal, the reason the goal is important to you, and the benefit you will experience when the shift is complete: “I commit to focusing on . . .” or “This is important to me because . . . and when I have achieved this change, it will have been so worth the effort because . . .”
My mission statement is:
Keep that statement of commitment front and center while you are working on it so you don’t forget. To keep it on your radar, you could put Post-its throughout your house, tell an accountability partner or other friend, make it into a mantra, or write it on your arm.
CREATING PERSONAL CHANGE
Thoughts, actions, and emotions are closely linked. Thoughts create emotions. Emotions lead to meaning-making, or thinking about the meaning of the emotions. Actions can spring from thoughts and feelings but also result in thoughts and feelings. Shifting one of these factors will shift the rest. If you want to create change in your life, putting a thought together with an action, and then feeling a feeling, is the way to go. Or you could feel the feeling you aspire to experience, and then it will be easier to choose an action and think thoughts that go with the positive emotion. Whichever way you go, all three parts are important and intertwined with one another.
This worksheet is designed to increase awareness of which thoughts, emotions, and actions are linked for you and what outcome they support. Getting clear on an outcome you want (a goal) and then stretching to identify the thoughts, actions, and emotions that support that outcome is a very powerful step. I use this format frequently on a whiteboard in my therapy room and learned it from Vann Joines, Ph.D. It also makes a powerful self-help project.
ACCESSING MOTIVATION
Finding motivation involves being able to see how the change you are considering making would benefit you. Let’s imagine you would like to become able to manage automatic emotional responses so you can respond to your partner calmly and without defensiveness or anger. How will your life be better when you have figured out how to do this? Imagine yourself in a tough conversation, and you are being an empathetic, openhearted, calm, curious listener and participant in the conversation. How does this benefit you? If this sounds like a selfish perspective, it is, but in the best possible way. This is about your stake in the situation. Yes, it would probably also benefit your partner and your relationship, but finding your own motivation, separate from any benefit to anyone else, is crucial to success with any change you might want to make. The more difficult the change, the more in touch with your own motivation you will need to be.
First, envision the rewards you might reap if you were able to do the thing you are considering. Using the example of managing your automatic emotional responses, make a list of every benefit you can think of, small and large. How would it benefit you to stay calm enough to fully understand your partner’s perspective on something you disagree about?
Now, consider your list. Refine it. If there are things on the list that are benefits to your partner, see if you can figure out a way that those things also benefit you directly. It is fine for there to be benefits to others, but when the rubber meets the road, you’re the one who’s going to be facing the challenge, so make sure you are clear in your mind about why it is important to you.
Look over your list of motivations for change. Can you distill or refine the list into an image or a single word or short phrase that symbolizes why this is important to you? Maybe the things on your list conjure up a fictional figure or a word that describes how you feel when you embody the traits you are cultivating. You will need to be able to call up your motivation when you need it or your automatic responses will take over in a split second. In that split second, it will help if you have a mantra, an image, or an emblem that can remind you to take a deep breath and respond in the way you planned.
