Polyamory, page 29
Exercise: Examining Assumptions about Relationship Structures
As always, I draw a crisp distinction between thinking about and considering a topic and making a decision about one’s life choices. Even feeling positive feelings about polyamory doesn’t mean you have to choose to have an open relationship. Take one step at a time, with decision-making being the last step.
The “Examining Assumptions About Relationship Structures” worksheet (see appendix A) will challenge you to think about what the benefits and pitfalls might be for a wide range of relationship styles, beyond your own personal experience. The exploration in this work-sheet then moves to questioning whether assumptions about benefits and pitfalls are accurate or if it might be possible to create those specific benefits, or encounter those specific pitfalls, with any relationship structure. Keeping this thought exercise light and fun, and far outside of any decision-making process, is recommended. Let the worksheet guide a process of internal exploration or spark an interesting conversation with a friend or partner.
Exercise: Dreams and Desires
Whatever you long for in life, and in a relationship, I want you to have it. Unless you have taken some time to think about this, you might not be completely aware of what you long for in a relationship. Or you might have given up on some things that are really important to you because you didn’t think you would get them.
Because dreams and desires are the juice, energy, and passion of life, ignoring them is likely to lead to an existence that feels a little (or a lot) dry. Take some time to really think about what excites, energizes, and wakes you. Thinking (and feeling) about dreams and desires lends itself well to creativity and fun. Consider doing the “Dreams and Desires” exercise (see appendix A) in writing or by making artwork, a collage, or even a vision board.
Use the I/I framework to support sharing between partners about dreams and desires. As a therapist, it is invaluable to have ways your clients can practice the I/I skills with topics that are generally easier to keep positive, and the “Dreams and Desires” exercise is great fodder for less fraught, more fun conversations between partners.
CRAFTING YOUR UNIQUE OPEN RELATIONSHIP
The next set of exercises assumes that your clients are actively discussing how to make some form of consensual or ethical nonmonogamy work for them. Again, they begin with self-reflection as a necessary precursor to a differentiated conversation. No matter what kind of open relationship your clients are thinking about crafting, the questions here should help them explore the possibilities and discern their preferences.
Exercise: Imagining Many Forms of Open
“Imagining Many Forms of Open,” which can be found in appendix F, was designed to expand the ways we tend to limit our thinking about relationships as a result of being raised in a culture that only discusses monogamy. A failure of imagination is easy when our cultural narrative is as limited as it is. This worksheet consolidates thinking about the qualities you seek in a relationship, and the kinds of relationship experiences you want. This worksheet makes a foundational assumption that you are planning to try some form of open relationship, distinguishing it from the “Relationship Concept Worksheets,” which support thinking about types of relationships before making a decision to move toward opening up. When considering various forms of open, it can be helpful to revisit definitions of various structures and broad concepts presented in chapter 1, “Consensual Nonmonogamies: What Are the Options?”
As you think about and discuss your options, keep in mind that open relationships tend to evolve, as experience teaches much more effectively than theory. You are unlikely to come up with the be-all and end-all of relationship structure plans that will suit everyone concerned forever more. Start from an assumption that life will be your best teacher, and plan on modifying your plan as things unfold.
Exercise: Discussion Topics for Intimate Relationships
Discussions about individual partner’s preferences with various aspects of open relationships might overlap with decision-making about opening up, come after the decision, or more likely both, in addition to being revisited again and again as circumstances change, time passes, and more is revealed. Therapists often ask me for a list of topics clients should discuss before or in the process of opening up their relationship. The problem with creating such a list is that situations and circumstances vary so much. Some partners have shared households and responsibilities, while others do not. Some have a hierarchical structure, while others do not. The list goes on; variety is the spice of life. No list is going to cover the ground and simultaneously be totally relevant for everyone. The result of careful consideration is “Discussion Topics for Intimate Relationships,” located in appendix F. It is a fairly comprehensive list, divided into eight realms: fidelity; connection; safety; primacy; visibility; time, money, and other resources; disclosures; and negotiation. I think this covers most of the ground I often encounter when working with open relationships, and a fair amount of it applies equally to monogamous partnerships. It is possible that you will think of other realms, and likely other questions as well, in which case please add them. As always, my handouts should be treated as a jumping-off place.
My hope in arranging these discussion points according to realm is that it will be intuitive to stick to one realm at a time. One surefire way to get overwhelmed by difficult material is to pile a lot of stuff on one discussion. If the material is difficult, tackle just one or two of the smaller questions at a time, and make sure they are from the same realm. Take lots of breaks, and be kind to one another. Some topics will be easy, and some less so. Consider limiting time spent on discussing the finer points of opening your relationship to help everyone stay fresh, engaged, and untriggered. If anyone starts yawning or shutting down, it might be time to take a break.
This list might seem overwhelming in itself. Not everyone needs to discuss all of these things. The people involved in the discussion should decide what to discuss. I think it is also helpful to remember that for some people, these conversations might be fun and exciting, and for other people, they might be overwhelming, extremely difficult, and require a lot of emotional management, care, and focus. If anyone experiences discussing these topics as being a lot like work, please don’t make talking about this stuff the entirety of what you do together. Make time to do other things together just for fun, and take time for refreshing and nurturing solo activities, too. Remember, you are crafting a relationship you both (or all) want to participate in; no one wants to participate in a relationship that is all work. It is important that the pacing of the discussions respects the emotional needs of everyone involved.
The I/I process is ideal for these discussions and can create some helpful structure outside of therapy sessions. Revisit the “Time-Out Exercise” (see appendix B) if needed. And remember, you can always expand options for any topic by using “30 Ideas No Matter How Silly: Brainstorming Process” handout (see appendix D).
TYING IT ALL TOGETHER
Now that there have been some deep discussions and your clients have given thought to many issues that arise in open relationships, it may be time to start making some decisions, running some experiments, and discovering how everyone feels and responds as things actually begin to unfold. The following are some guidelines for the decision-making process:
Expect that you and your partners’ preferences will differ. It is not necessary to create a tit-for-tat balance to have a well-functioning open relationship. I have seen many relationships in which only one partner has other partners, and all is well. I have seen situations in which one partner enjoys romantic connections and the other prefers friends with benefits or hookups. I’ve seen lots of situations in which one partner enjoys lots of sexual adventure and the other prefers to have just one or two long-term, stable relationships, or none. Rather than shooting for “even steven” across the board, partners should strive to represent their preferences honestly and craft something unique that fits them. In fact, far from being necessary for success, in my experience, an “even steven” setup is incredibly rare.
Experiment, experiment, experiment. Don’t make a “rule book” and expect to follow it for the next five years. Instead, craft an experiment that feels workable as a starting point, and check in frequently about how things are going. Investigate the beautiful and delicate balance of emotions, responses, feelings, preferences, choices, and decisions as it evolves throughout time. Nurture the evolution with frequent conversations and readjustments.
Practice holding your emotions (and your partners’) gently and without judgment. There will probably be plenty to hold. Expect that your emotions will evolve; sometimes, one partner starts out feeling challenged, and then circumstances change and the other partner is suddenly the one being challenged. So don’t be too quick to judge your partner; remember that there will almost certainly come a time when you will want and appreciate extra consideration and patience yourself. In fact, one of the huge strengths of polyamorous relationships is the frequent role reversals. There is a lot of empathy to be gained by shifting circumstances, as you’re likely to discover.
Stay flexible. You don’t have to revise your entire plan every time someone has an emotion. Still, tweaking a little here and there in response to shifting circumstances is a great idea. Once in a while, of course, you may need to do a major reshuffle, and that’s fine. Keep track of the delicate balance of emotions and notice how your tolerance for difficult emotions increases as you continue to challenge yourself; keep adjusting things to better fit everyone involved.
Don’t jeopardize the emotional safety of your relationship on a whim, for fleeting pleasure, or to make someone else comfortable. Here is my most forceful relationship advice: Do not break your agreements. Instead, renegotiate. If you’re going to be late, call with plenty of notice. Every successful relationship depends on emotional stability and security, but when it comes to nonmonogamy, you’re expecting your partners to be next-level relationship champs. For goodness’ sake, make it as easy on them as possible, either by keeping your word or initiating the conversation about changing an agreement.
Be kind. Whether or not you have a hierarchy in your relationships, everyone involved is a human being, and they all deserve to be treated with consideration, decency, and respect. I hope this goes without saying, but sometimes people lose sight of how being a decent and caring human being helps complicated relationships work well. Polyamory requires being with the one you’re with, which can make those you aren’t with at any given moment feel the gap in your attention acutely. A secondary or non-nesting partner may struggle when your other commitments take you away for a while (for instance, if you’re trying to keep your primary relationship stable in a crisis). Another typical situation that creates stress is when a non-nesting or secondary partner has a crisis in their life. Be prepared to show a lot of grace when you’re in this situation and not the one in crisis, because the tables often turn and, eventually, you’re likely to be in the other person’s place.
Exercise: Consolidating Information, Working toward Action
As discussions occur, information flows, ideas emerge, and differences reveal themselves, partners will begin to get clear on some potential action steps to take. It is time to make some lists, consider which action steps to take first, and identify areas where more information would be helpful to move forward with confidence. Refer to the “Consolidating Information, Working Toward Action” worksheet in appendix F. It can be used individually if you are trying to set things up for yourself, as in solo polyamory, and is equally relevant for couples, throuples, or any other group. It includes a list of topics that frequently come up in the “need to learn more about it” category.
WORKING WITH DIFFERENCES
Holding tension with differences is a challenging and exciting task. Oftentimes, people feel a strong urge to jump to a premature “resolution” to relieve the discomfort and sustained vulnerability of disagreeing. Don’t do it. Clients need to get comfortable letting the tension exist and developing strategies for showing their love and affection even when they’re in the midst of disagreement. They can take lots of breaks, stretch, or toss a ball back and forth to manage tensions and lower reactivity so they don’t give up on important topics prematurely. Therapists need to get comfortable with tension, too. When relationship therapy clients disagree about something big, the best thing a therapist can do to help is make a space for tension, help clients tolerate the tension, and assist them in continuing to figure out what they want to express, and then say it and hear one another with curiosity. Help clients reach for empathetic understanding, which is not the same as agreement or sharing the same viewpoint. Gradually a solution will begin to emerge. Premature “resolution” always comes back to bite you, and your clients, later.
We frequently talk about resolving disagreements by coming to a compromise. When clients come to me with an impasse, they tend to expect me to side with one or the other of them, or broker a compromise in which they both give a little and get a little. So it might surprise you to hear that, in most circumstances, I do not believe in compromise.
My first issue with compromise is that it conceives of differences between partners in a completely linear fashion. If I’m at point A and you’re at point Z, a compromise means that somehow, we are both supposed to give up half of our concerns or desires so we can meet at point M. Everyone loses to some extent, and no one is fully satisfied. That might not be such a problem for small issues, when the stakes aren’t particularly high. But when it comes to the bigger issues, the ones that have deep implications for the partner’s lives, futures, and identities, it may not be possible to “just let go of it” to meet in the middle without building a deep reservoir of resentment.
Instead, I believe in holding the tension and taking the conversation to deeper levels, with each partner helping the other explore their thoughts and feelings much more deeply. It’s amazing how, when you nurture curiosity, depth, and empathy, a certain magic happens. As we come to understand our partner(s) deeply, we become able to think about the problem from multiple viewpoints—at a minimum, ours and theirs, and something greater than the sum of the parts. This becomes a powerful force for good, a generative space of creativity where potential solutions begin to materialize. When two or more partners are unlocked from battle, moving freely in their creativity and love for one another, holding one another’s perspectives with respect and care along with their own, the solutions that begin to present themselves are new; they are not the same limited and linear solutions that were apparent at the beginning of the process. This is why the I/I process comes long before decision-making and also why holding tension so the I/I can develop and mature is so important. Something has to unlock for beautiful and creative solutions to begin to present, and when they do, it truly is magical.
When I am guiding my clients in the process of holding tension with differences and they are struggling, I often ask them this powerful question, which I got directly from Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson: “What do you do that makes it hard for your partner to give you what you want?” This question is just as powerful when framed as a direct question from one partner to another, for instance, “My darling, what do I do that makes it hard for you to give me what I want?” (fill in the “what I want” part with the specific item). Similarly, this question can be framed positively, as in, “What could I do that would make it easier for you to give me what I want?” There is an important fine point here; the goal is not to come up with a trade, as in, “I’ll do the dishes, if you make the bed.” My goal when I ask this question of someone I love is to get honest feedback about how I’m getting in my own way, and in the way of my partner, possibly subconsciously.
This question, and the concept behind it, almost always stops people in their tracks. Most people are used to turning their attention to their partner and what they are doing wrong, rather than looking at how they are getting in their own way. This question invites us to see things in a new light, one that challenges but also invites us to take back our own power.
Ask your clients, yourself, and your partner(s) that mind-bending question and watch what happens. Ask for honest feedback about how you are getting in your own way, because often we can’t see it for ourselves. We all hold in our hearts a tender dream of how we want to be loved. But we all have the ability to make it almost impossible for our partners to respond to us in the ways we most strongly desire. Identifying this and changing it is the most powerful way I know of to resolve a major dilemma. When we figure out what we are doing to block ourselves and our partners, and stop getting in our own way, very often the dilemma clears itself up.
CHAPTER 13
Understanding and Addressing Jealousy
Whenever I teach about polyamory and jealousy, I hear this: “Wait. I thought polyamorous people didn’t get jealous.” Or this: “If you’re jealous, why do polyamory? It’s inevitably going to crash and burn.” Let me start out by debunking these myths. People in polyamorous relationships get jealous. If you’re working with polyamorous clients or relationships, you’re going to be working with jealousy and a variety of other uncomfortable emotions. And if you are exploring polyamory yourself, you are very likely to run into jealousy, either in yourself or in your partners. In fact, jealousy and its close cousins—envy and negative self-comparison—are by far the most common issues I see with my polyamorous clients.
