Polyamory, page 44
Q: I feel pretty comfortable with polyamory, but I’m not all that comfortable with kink/BDSM and worried that will become a problem due to the overlap in populations.
A: That’s a valid concern. I will say, however, that the vast majority of my kinky clients have never had any issues related to kink come up in the course of their therapy. I think you should be transparent up front so clients who are grappling with issues about kink have the opportunity to go find a therapist who is more comfortable with the subject. The majority of them will probably decide to stay with you. They now know that kink isn’t your area of expertise and won’t be blindsided by the need to find another therapist to help if something kink-related does come up. Incidentally, if that happens, you can probably find a kink-aware therapist to either consult for you or collaborate so you and your client don’t de facto have to end the therapy work you have been doing together.
Q: There are so many details to remember, and the lingo is so unique. I’m worried I’ll get it wrong and seem clueless.
A: I think you can let this one go. The language is evolving fast, and it’s so regionally unique that I almost always ask my clients for clarification anyway. As long as you have the basic concepts down, don’t sweat the details. Your clarifying questions will reflect that you understand the concepts involved, which is probably more important to most clients than having a shared vocabulary.
Q: I’m worried these relationships are too messy and I won’t be able to keep track of everyone’s partners.
A: I hear your concern. Weirdly, this has never come up as a problem in my experience. Even people who have many partners are mostly in therapy by themselves or with just one. If someone’s situation is quite convoluted, draw a map with them to clarify. I’ve had a few clients draw me a relationship map; one that includes friends, coworkers, roommates, etc., can be very helpful. I can’t imagine that they will think it is odd that you need help sorting it out.
Q: I don’t really understand polyamory from within myself and have never experienced it, so how can I relate?
A: I realize it might seem confusing. After all, you’re holding an entire book about the complexity of polyamorous relationships in your hands right now. But when it comes right down to it, we’re talking about a real person sitting in your office discussing their genuine concerns. I think that the first and most important thing is to honestly identify if you want to work with this population and can truly believe it is workable for many people. With those things in place, I suspect that as soon as you start to connect with a unique individual and feel like you know and understand some aspects of them, including their struggles and strengths, it will become somewhat less prominent that they are in a polyamorous relationship. Let your empathy and humanity take over. You’ve got this.
CHAPTER 21
Marketing Yourself as a Polyamory-Friendly Therapist
Once you decide you want to work with polyamorous clients and get the training and information necessary for cultural competence (this book is an excellent starting point), you’re ready to get started. That raises an entirely new issue: How do you find your audience? How do you let polyamorous people know that you’re a polyamory-friendly therapist? And how do you accomplish that without alienating your other clients, if you see clients who might not be polyamory-friendly themselves?
WORD OF MOUTH
The number-one way that many therapists find their polyamorous clients is through word of mouth. The polyamory community tends to be small and close-knit, so word gets around. If you have one polyamorous client and they like how you work, you’ll probably have more in short order. In fact, that’s exactly how I got started working with polyamory.
After all, one of the biggest reasons I decided to write this book in the first place is the fact that there continues to be a real dearth of polyamory-competent therapists. If you let it be known, even fairly quietly, that you are a polyamory-competent therapist, you’ll probably quickly become a rare and desirable commodity. Even though I hope there will soon be zillions of new polyamory-friendly and knowledgeable therapists, I suspect there will also be an increasing population of people who explore polyamory and might want therapists to help guide them as they try it out. As polyamory gets to be better known and understood, the demand for polyam-friendly therapists will only increase.
Although the relative rarity of polyamory-competent therapists can be a boon in some ways, it can also be a big inconvenience. Making referrals for your polyamorous clients can be quite challenging if there aren’t many polyamory-competent therapists in your region. I recommend that you think this through before you get too far into your expanding practice; your first polyamorous client will tell their friends about you, which means the second wave of polyamorous clients who call you are pretty likely to be closely connected to previous clients, and you’ll need to be careful about who you take on. See chapter 20, “Ethical Considerations.”
SIGNALING YOUR INTENDED AUDIENCE
There are many ways to convey that you are comfortable working with polyamory. Some are subtle and quiet, while others make a bigger splash. One of the quietest and most effective ways I know is to adjust the language you use with all clients, colleagues, supervisors, and supervisees, and in all of your marketing materials, including your website and blog. Marginalized populations have ways of finding like-minded people, and monitoring language use is one of those ways. There are probably polyamorous people around you and you just don’t know it; by using careful language, you may be able to let them know it is safe to come out to you.
The following are my language tips:
Don’t assume monogamy. Use the word relationship rather than couple whenever you are speaking generally and whenever you are talking to someone who hasn’t already used the word couple.
Don’t assume heterosexuality. Use the words partner and spouse until your client clarifies, and any time you are speaking generally.
If there is a place in a conversation where the option of polyamory or open relationships would fit, go ahead and say it.
React well when nonmonogamy comes up. If someone says something derogatory about open relationships, don’t miss the opportunity to say, “Well, it may not be for everyone, but it seems to work out pretty well for some people.”
Similarly, when talking about infidelity, keep your sights squarely on where the problem really lies, which will probably include not only extradyadic intimacy, but also broken agreements, lies, secrecy, and deception. Avoid implying that having more than one sexual or romantic partner always means cheating or in itself is the problem in a failed relationship.
The next somewhat-subtle step might be to go through your website and other online listings and adjust your language to be more inclusive of nondyadic relationships, LGBTQIA+ populations, and such alternative sexualities as kink and consensual nonmonogamy. Of course, this is only ethical if you are actually qualified to work with these populations. Whatever language you choose should be accurate for your areas of interest. It’s certainly possible to create a practice that’s focused on nonkinky, non-LGBTQ people in nonmonogamous relationships, if that’s what you want to do. But there’s enough overlap between those populations that, if you’re qualified and willing to work with all of them, it makes sense to either mention them all or use language that is inclusive for all.
A less subtle option is to identify “alternative sexualities” or “alt sex” in your list of specialty areas. Alternative sexualities refers to anything that falls outside of the hetero-cis-mono-normative cultural understanding of sexuality. Common usage implies kink and consensual nonmonogamies, in particular. Adding LGBTQIA+, if applicable, will also help the polyamory community find you. Please note, if you are not prepared to work with potentially complicated cases involving kink and BDSM, don’t use the term alt sex to describe your practice; however, if you have decided you want to work with kinky clients, in particular, and just don’t have much experience yet, doing some reading and finding a good consultant or supervisor who specializes in that area is the ethical road to expanding your scope of practice.
The term alt sex is still a bit subtle, in the sense that people who don’t identify as having alternative sexualities generally don’t know what it means, and they might just skip over it without registering the term. In fact, I use this term in my marketing materials. It feels right to me and helps my target audience find me. For what it’s worth, in my therapy practice I still do have clients who aren’t in the alt sex demographic, some of whom are a little on the conservative side. Somehow, they still manage to find me and choose me; apparently, they aren’t too put off by my use of the term alt sex.
I also use the term alternative family structures to describe an area of my expertise. As far as I know, it’s not a particularly well-known keyword, but I use it anyway, because it’s descriptive without being pathologizing. This would be a good choice if you don’t want to use alt sex for any reason or you want to be as descriptive as possible, since not everyone who has a consensually open relationship will think of themselves as having an alternative sexuality.
Of course, you can simply go ahead and write “polyamory-friendly” on your website and in your listings. That’s a perfectly good and very direct solution. I know therapists who work mostly with polyamory and talk about polyamory openly on their website. The advantage of this is that they quickly develop a relationship in the community, as they are easy to find. If you’re comfortable putting yourself out there as a therapist who works with polyamory, that’s a great solution.
PUT THE WORD OUT IN THE RIGHT PLACES
Another good option is to advertise yourself as a polyamory-knowledgeable therapist in a place where polyamorous clients are likely to find you, either in addition to or instead of putting it right on your website. For instance, for a long time I ran an ad in a local LGBTQIA+ magazine, because there’s a lot of overlap between polyamory and LGBTQIA+, and I also love working with LGBTQIA+ populations and have expertise and experience in related areas. If you’re interested in pursuing this route, you might consider listing yourself with the website for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), which has an online therapist locator for alternative sexualities. If you list yourself with NCSF, however, be prepared for kinky clients to find you there as well.
If you are ready to put it right out there, by all means, write some blog posts about polyamory. For me, that was a big, public step. I had to take a deep breath before I did it. I also had to think for about a year before I put speaking engagements on my website, because I was hesitant to mention the talks I gave on polyamory. To my relief, there has been relatively little negative fallout. For the most part, the net result has been positive: A lot of clients have been able to find me as a result of my blog, website, and speaking engagements. The fallout I have experienced has certainly not destroyed my practice, and there is the added benefit that clients have a more accurate impression of my expertise before they call me. It is surprising to me how often consensual nonmonogamies come up in conversation with most of my clients, monogamous or not. Apparently a lot of people have questions and want to discuss the topic.
The advantage of blogging is that you can get noticed for being polyamory-aware and friendly, while still deciding exactly what you want to say. Contrast that to, for instance, using the term alt sex on your website, which refers to not only polyamory, but also kink/BDSM. If you chose to blog instead, you could easily write about polyamory specifically, without involving kink in the conversation, if that were your preference.
There is always a way to get the word out, but the most important factor will probably always be word of mouth. However you decide to get the word out, gather a community of therapists around you with whom you feel comfortable giving and receiving referrals, identify a consultant or two in case you need them, and enjoy building a team of colleagues to serve the diversity of polyamorous clients in your region.
And let me extend a very warm welcome to the community of polyamory-friendly therapists. I’m so glad you are here, because the world needs you to express your gifts.
APPENDIX A
Relationship Concept Worksheets
Together these worksheets support an exploration of beliefs, biases, hopes, and dreams about monogamy, polyamory, and any other relationship style you can imagine, while honoring each individual’s life aspirations and supporting the ultimate goal of a joyous life. They are equally relevant to a therapist exploring their biases about polyamory or monogamy, or a couple considering the pros and cons of various relationship styles. They can serve as a guide to self-exploration or discussion topics for interesting conversations.
This set of worksheets includes the following:
My Relationship Ideas: Reflection Worksheet Explores life events and perceptions of different types of relationships and how they have formed your ideas about fidelity, romantic connection, and many other aspects of relationships.
Examining Assumptions About Relationship Structures Guides consideration of the pros and cons of different relationship structures from a theoretical level and invites thinking about the degree to which the things you want in a relationship are related to the type of relationship you are in.
Dreams and Desires Invites thinking about what you desire, long for, and would like to create in your life, and your relationships, and how you might bring those aspects of joy into your life in your relationships, as well as in other ways.
MY RELATIONSHIP IDEAS: REFLECTION WORKSHEET
Think back to the romantic or committed relationships you witnessed when you were a child: parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, community leaders, older siblings, etc.
How were these relationships structured? Monogamous? Open? Other? How did you know?
What were you raised to believe about fidelity? Do you have memories of learning about infidelity? Did you witness any of the adults in your life dealing with the impact of infidelity? What was it like?
What were you raised to believe about relationship agreements? Were they negotiable? Set in stone? Made by people? Made by God? Did you witness any adults in your life renegotiate relationship agreements?
Did the adults in your life discuss things, generally? What happened when there was a disagreement? Did you have role models for positive experiences of coming to agreement or achieving resolution? Was collaboration and creative problem-solving valued and supported?
Were you raised to follow a rule book or come up with your own solutions? Were your parents independent-thinking rebels, rock-solid upholders-of-convention, or somewhere in between?
Were you raised in a faith tradition? What did your religious tradition teach you about marriage and relationships?
Did anyone in your community have an “out of the norm” relationship (by your community’s standards) that you were aware of? How did you know? How did people treat them and talk about them?
Was sex discussed in your family and/or community? If so, how was it discussed? Did you grow up thinking sex was a positive thing, secret, shameful, or something else?
Think about the time when you began to have romantic feelings, and intimate relationships.
In your earliest relationships, what ideas did you have about what was normal and acceptable in a romantic relationship? Where did you get your ideas about what was and wasn’t okay? Did you discuss fidelity and other agreements with your partner(s)? If so, what were those conversations like?
Did those ideas change in later relationships? How and why?
What kinds of relationships did you witness your friends having? How were those relationships structured? How did you know about their structures? How did people talk about other people’s relationships? How did your friends talk about fidelity, infidelity, agreements, monogamy, and nonmonogamy?
Have you had experiences with infidelity? How about broken agreements of other kinds? Were you on the giving or receiving end? Did your beliefs about relationships change as a result of either infidelity or broken agreements? Do you think the wounds associated with those breaches have healed? If not, what do you think would be needed to mend the wounds? Is there something you could do from within yourself that would make a difference in your healing?
Have you ever been in a nonmonogamous relationship? If so, what was that like for you? For your partner(s)? If not, what is the first thought that comes to mind about whether you would ever choose to be in a nonmonogamous relationship?
Have you ever found yourself in a situation in which a previous relationship agreement is no longer working for you? Did you initiate a renegotiation of a relationship agreement with one of your partners? Have you ever lied about something rather than discuss it? Have you tended to give up something important to you rather than discuss it and renegotiate? How did you decide what to do? What happened as a result? How do you feel about it in retrospect?
Do you think of yourself as being a little conflict-averse or are you more on the side of volatility? How willing are you to initiate a difficult discussion?How able are you to make a soft landing place for someone else to tell you something difficult?
Think about your friends, mentors, and role models. These might be actual people you know and love or fictional characters from a book or movie.
Do you have role models for positive long-term monogamous relationships? If so, what do you admire about the people involved and their relationship?
Do you have role models of positive long-term open relationships? If so, what do you admire about the people involved and their relationship?
