Polyamory, page 30
Yes, there are those rare people who truly don’t seem to experience jealousy. But they’re few and far between, and even those people who think of themselves as not experiencing jealousy can occasionally be blindsided by uncomfortable emotions. Almost everyone sometimes finds themselves preoccupied with what their partner is doing or thinking about with other people or making comparisons between themselves and another partner.
It’s common in our culture to assume that if you feel jealous, your partner must be doing something wrong or something hurtful to you, and that they should change their behavior to free you from your jealousy, whether that means no longer chatting with that attractive coworker, cutting ties with exes, or not cultivating friendships with people of your gender. It’s even more common to assume that if your partner is seeking out a relationship with another person, you are more than justified in feeling jealous. Heck, it would be weird if you weren’t.
Indeed, if you’re feeling jealous, your partner could decide to change things about their behavior, and that might ease the jealousy; however, what if your partner isn’t interested in limiting their friendships to make you feel better? Or what if they do make changes and you still experience jealous feelings?
What if there’s another way to respond to jealousy—one that doesn’t require your partner to manage your emotions for you? Perhaps it’s possible to take a look at why those emotions are coming up right now, what thoughts and stories are coming along with the feelings, and make an attempt to shift your perspective. Maybe some of the distress is based on past experiences or cultural narratives. The narrative your jealousy is spinning for you is not necessarily an accurate reflection of the current circumstances. Maybe your partner can love and choose you, and also love and choose someone else, without taking anything away from you.
Thinking about jealousy in this way requires that we assume it is possible to feel secure, safe, chosen, and loved when our partner is with someone else. For many people, including many therapists, this is quite a reach; however, my work with the polyamory community has driven this point home over and over again: It is very possible to have a securely attached open relationship. I’ve seen it many times. In fact, this is the goal of relational therapy for people in polyamorous relationships. Polyamory doesn’t in any way preclude security. Happy polyamorous people have found the ability to feel loved, honored, and chosen in the absence of exclusivity. I’ve seen this in mono-polyam situations, primary/secondary relationships, and nonhierarchical structures.
But how do they actually do it? And how do we, as therapists, help?
JEALOUSY IS AN EMOTION
As therapists, we’re in the business of helping people manage all kinds of emotions. It is well understood that emotions come and go, have more to do with the past than the present, and stick around longer and with more toxicity if we dwell on or obsess about them. Much of the distress associated with uncomfortable emotions comes from not the emotion itself, but rather the meaning made about the emotion or situation.
As therapists, we discuss self-regulation of emotional responses frequently in an effort to help clients experience less unnecessary distress. For instance, we are great at helping clients understand that anxiety is an automatic response that is often out of proportion to the current circumstances. When someone is in a state of high anxiety, they are less likely to make good decisions and more likely to respond in ways that are overly reactive.
That’s easy enough for us to understand when we’re talking about anxiety. But what about jealousy? My view of jealousy is that it is an emotion like any other. I help my clients learn to self-regulate with jealousy just as I do with anxiety. In fact, jealousy and anxiety are close cousins. Your toolkit for working with anxiety is exactly the same one you will use for working with jealousy or any other negative emotion:
Pausing and breathing before reacting
Taking long exhales to soothe the nervous system
Self-soothing by warm and positive internal coaching
Practicing mindfulness to build the muscle for choosing thoughts and feelings
Being fully present in the reality of the moment
Investigating meaning-making
Checking assumptions
Communicating about fears/vulnerabilities
Seeking effective co-regulation strategies
Cultivating effective distractions
Down-regulating or up-regulating to return to the window of tolerance (For a review, see chapter 8, particularly “Understanding Automatic Responses and the Self-Protective Brain,” and the exercise “Holding Steady Self-Coaching” in appendix B.
Sounds familiar, right? The only new tool you need to be able to work effectively with jealousy is the perspective that it’s possible to work with jealousy. And not just possible but desirable: Whatever your perspective on polyamory, by helping your clients to regulate and work effectively with their jealousy, you will be helping them feel happier, make better decisions, and create better relationships. They are also likely to get better at regulating other uncomfortable emotions. And if it is your own jealousy, emotions, and relationships that are the focus of your efforts, I call this is the Happiness Project. There is no more important goal than your happiness.
WHEN DOES JEALOUSY ARISE?
Jealousy can show up at any time. Some common situations in polyamorous relationships that are likely to evoke jealousy include the following:
At the beginning stages of opening a relationship
When a partner meets someone new or is in the early stages of a new connection
When a partner’s outside connection starts to deepen and take on new emotional weight
When a relationship ends or goes through a rough patch
When outside stressors (job anxieties, financial woes, lack of fulfillment, etc.) increase stress and decrease resilience
When a partner seems to be choosing another connection over you
When swiping on dating apps or texting another partner gets in the way of focusing on high-quality time together
When a lack of consideration is perceived
When a partner breaks agreements or lacks good follow-through
Becoming effective at helping jealous partners handle the emotional upheaval and feel better is the focus of this chapter. But challenging partners who are engaging in behavior that will predictably make jealousy worse is a closely related project.
For this situation, I like the question, “What are you doing that makes it hard for your partner to give you what you want?” It helps everyone concerned take a look at the system of interlocking actions and responses between them, from a perspective that includes acknowledging that they may be doing things that make their own life, and their partner’s, considerably more difficult.
You can also use the aforementioned list as a guide for figuring out what might be most helpful. If the jealousy is arising as a result of a stage or phase of relationship, that is one thing. In that situation, helping the partners function as a team will probably be the primary objective. This will likely include helping them co-create as much flexibility and security as possible while also managing automatic reactions, making sure there are positive and connecting moments and special time together, working well with concerns that arise as events unfold, and so on. But if someone involved is also engaging in some of the inconsiderate behaviors on this list, or others like them, they can take some actions that are likely to make a big difference to their emotional state, as well as their partner’s. It is not reasonable to expect your partner to feel mellow and relaxed when you are with another intimate partner if you are breaking agreements, constantly checking your phone, or giving all of your attention to a new love. If you, or a client, is struggling with managing new relationship energy (NRE), see chapter 18.
JEALOUSY IN MANY FLAVORS
Jealousy, as I use the term here, is an umbrella term for an entire range of difficult and painful emotions, thought patterns, and anxieties, any of which might arise in any relationship but certainly in polyamorous relationships. It’s often helpful to sort through exactly what kind of jealousy your client is experiencing and how it manifests. This may include, but is not limited to, the following:
Classic possessive jealousy (“I don’t want anyone else to be with my partner.”)
Envy (“I wish I was out having fun dates, like you.”)
Jealousy about a partner’s time (“You’re always out with so-and-so, and we haven’t had a date in months.”)
Jealousy about the emotional dimension of the relationship (“You’re totally crushing on so-and-so, and our relationship feels so settled and domestic now—I miss when you were all hearts and flowers over me.”)
Self-comparison of body, sexiness, sexual skill, level of success, etc.
Preoccupation with what a partner is doing when not with them
Preoccupation with what a partner is thinking about when they are with them
JEALOUSY AS A NARRATIVE
Human beings make sense of the world through the lens of narrative. This is particularly true when it comes to negative emotions. When we feel angry, lonely, disappointed, resentful, and so on, we look for a reason or make up a story to explain our pain. Looking for a reason somehow feels better than sitting with our discomfort, even if that reason may be flawed and clouded by our reactive, emotional state. Jealousy is no exception. So here’s another tip for working with jealousy: When your clients tell you about their jealousy, look beyond the situation itself and help them identify the narrative they’re creating.
Let’s take a look at an example. Imagine Lisa is alone on a Saturday night when her partner, Dan, is with Margo, another lover. Lisa feels lonely and sad. She misses Dan and wishes they were together. She feels jealous of Margo for having Dan’s attention that night. Here are some examples of stories Lisa might tell herself in this situation in an attempt to make sense of her feelings:
“Dan decided to go out with Margo tonight rather than be with me, and that can’t be a good sign. He’s probably more attracted to Margo than he is to me. I have put on some weight lately, and Margo is probably much more beautiful.” This story can easily spiral in several different directions, damaging to Lisa’s self-esteem and the connection she experiences with Dan. This story attempts to explain her negative feelings in the context of fears and beliefs she has about herself and her own attractiveness.
“Dan has been kind of distant lately. How could he be with her tonight? He knows I’m lonely and should have taken my needs into account and put me first. He’s probably thinking about leaving me for her.” This story attempts to explain her feelings in the context of fears and beliefs she has about Dan and his connection to her.
“Margo is really seducing Dan. She is so annoyingly popular and perfect, and really makes me look bad in his eyes. I’m worried about what they say about me when they’re together. Probably Dan told her all about our fight over breakfast, and now she really dislikes me and she’s probably encouraging him to leave me. I wish he would stop seeing her.” This story attempts to explain her feelings in the context of fears and beliefs she has primarily about Margo and, to some extent, also Dan.
“This is a perfect example of why polyamory won’t work for me. I feel lonely tonight, and I told him so, but he had a date with Margo, and he chose her over me. How can anyone live like this? When I’m upset, he should be with me or at least not put some other woman before me. Polyamory is just not going to work for me.” This story attempts to make sense of feelings in the context of fears or beliefs she has primarily about polyamory and possibly some differences of opinion with Dan as well.
Let’s unpack this from the perspective of a therapist. If you were Lisa’s individual therapist, you would have no way of knowing which aspects of her point of view, assumptions, and story have a grain of truth, are completely accurate, or reveal significant vulnerabilities or erroneous thinking. In my experience, barring cases of emotional or physical abuse, gaslighting, and deception, the most therapeutic option is to assume stories that emerge from difficult emotions are flawed in some significant ways.
No doubt Lisa would like it if Dan could simply reassure her and wipe away her fears. That would be wonderful. Unfortunately, it’s not a sure bet. As Lisa’s individual therapist, you would have no idea about Dan’s level of emotional intelligence, availability, or relational skills. You wouldn’t know if he would be good at, or even capable of, co-regulation.
Hopefully the partners have a reasonable amount of emotional connection; are able to attune to one another sometimes; and have some interest in helping one another feel peaceful, safe, connected, and positive. But it wouldn’t be surprising if, during an emotionally difficult interaction, both were upset and neither particularly emotionally available for the other.
I hate to set my clients up for failure, so I tend to focus on helping clients build skills for self-regulation first and foremost. Co-regulation is like icing on the relational cake. It’s fabulous, but if it’s the foundation instead of the topping, the cake might collapse. You can’t count on co-regulation. So when you really need some help, start with the surest bet: Bet on yourself.
MANAGING JEALOUSY AS AN INDIVIDUAL
Managing story and meaning is important to mental health and happiness. Jealousy and jealousy-related feelings invite meaning-making at least as much as any other emotion, so my first and most effective strategy for helping clients work with these feelings is to do the following:
Interrupt the assumptions.
Identify and question the story.
Look for alternative explanations.
Help the client develop their emotional GPS.
It is not always easy to separate thoughts and feelings, and it is self-protective and natural to search memory banks of past experiences for “proof” of negative intentions and focus on and amplify the negative stories and feelings. Recognizing that this process is self-protective and also optional can be quite challenging. It can also be incredibly liberating.
Therapeutic interventions that open the door to a discussion of the problematic nature of meaning-making require challenging the client to think about their emotions differently. Let’s unpack the list of treatment steps one by one.
Making a Therapeutic Challenge to Assumptions
Challenging self-protective thought patterns and meaning-making is part of our job as therapists. If we don’t do it, we are implicitly reinforcing self-defeating thought loops and behaviors; however, making therapeutic challenges is not the easiest part of our job, and many therapists understandably shy away from it. This is because no one finds it easy to release tried-and-true self-protective strategies, no matter how self-defeating they may be. Remember, the amygdala is not discerning and is not concerned with being relational or fostering interpersonal connections. Making therapeutic challenges and still maintaining a warm, safe environment for therapy is an art form but one I hope you will practice.
In this instance, I might listen to Lisa and then say something like,
I really hear how awful Saturday night was for you, and I see you’re suffering. Dan went out with Margo, and you felt lonely, and then it seems like you’re saying what happened for you internally was that you made up a lot of stories that were extremely painful, about your body, his love, Margo as a betrayer, and polyamory as a flawed construct. It really sounds like it was just awful for you. Did I get that right?
Then I might say, “Are you aware of how much of your pain on Saturday night was the result of stories you told yourself that may or may not be true?”
Another approach would be,
You are suffering a lot. I care too much about you to feel good about the amount of suffering you are experiencing. Some of what you experienced on Saturday night was sadness and loneliness, which is hard, but the real suffering seems to be attached to feeling bad about yourself, fears about your connection with Dan, fears about what Margo and Dan might be doing or saying, and hopelessness about making the relationship work. That’s understandable. Those are extremely distressing stories. I do not want you to suffer unnecessarily, so I’m going to suggest something that might feel pretty challenging. Is that okay? The stories you told yourself on Saturday night were optional, and they may not be true at all.
It might be possible to tell yourself something different, and as a result, feel a different feeling.
Identifying, Questioning, and Expanding the Narrative
A good strategy for managing meaning-making is to coach the client in generating alternate explanations for the current situation that might be as true as or truer than the narrative that is dominant in the client’s imagination. Done well, this can be a game-changer.
Your client is likely to find this challenging at first, because once core fears are activated, they feel like “truth,” not “story.” Starting by walking the client through the process in therapy is useful, because you can provide support for stretching outside of the problematic narrative. Once your client learns this practice, it can become part of their self-soothing toolkit, and they can use it on their own when difficult feelings arise.
