The Complete Oregon Series, page 43
“You said you didn’t love her,” Bernice said.
Nora closed her eyes. “I-I don’t. Not like that.” She rubbed her temple. “I think I better go and rescue Luke. She must be a nervous wreck by now, all alone with the baby.” She fled from the wagon before Bernice could say anything and hurried through camp, not allowing herself time to think. When she reached the fire at the edge of their camp, she stopped abruptly.
Luke sat next to a brooding Jacob, both of her arms safely wrapped around the bundled-up form on her lap. A tiny hand was sticking out from under the baby’s blanket, its fingers curled around Luke’s larger one.
Nora smiled. Her daughter was sleeping peacefully, and Luke didn’t seem far off either. Her eyelids were beginning to droop. Quietly, Nora walked up to them until she felt the warmth of the fire.
Luke looked up. She pulled the baby a little closer, protecting her with her own body. “Nora! Are you all right?”
“Yeah.” She blinked away the tears that had gathered in her eyes at the sight of Luke with the baby. “It’s just the smoke. Do you want me to take her?” She nodded down at the baby on Luke’s lap.
“No, she’s fine. She’s finally sleeping,” Luke said with a smile.
Jacob stood. “I’m going to turn in now. Can you take over guard duty, Luke? Brian will relieve you in half an hour.”
Luke nodded.
Nora watched him go, wondering if her presence had chased him away. She gingerly sat down next to Luke and nodded down at the baby. “I’m sorry I didn’t hear her. I must have slept like a log.”
“It’s all right,” Luke said. “It was time that I started to take my turns with her anyway. My diapering skills definitely need practice.”
Nora studied the gray eyes, almost like a mirror in the firelight. Luke’s willingness to take care of the baby was a relief. She hoped it meant she hadn’t driven Luke away and that Luke was still willing to take on a more permanent role in the children’s lives. Slowly, she leaned closer, and when Luke didn’t move away, she rested her cheek against Luke’s shoulder, relieved when Luke allowed the simple contact. She knew she had pushed Luke away, and she had been afraid that Luke would retaliate and not allow her close either. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“You already apologized,” Luke said.
Nora shook her head. “Not for sleeping through Nattie’s crying. I’m sorry for hurting you.”
Luke shrugged. She didn’t look at Nora but kept her gaze fixed on the baby. “You can’t force love if it isn’t there.”
Yeah. And you also can’t force it to go away if it is. Nora shoved the thought away. You were not in love with Luke as a man, so you’re certainly not in love with her now that you know she’s a woman. “I just want you to know that it’s nothing you did or didn’t do. You’re very loveable.”
Luke snorted.
“You are,” Nora said with more force. “You’re wonderful just like you are, and you deserve someone in your life who can touch you and look at you with love.”
“I thought you did,” Luke whispered. “The night Nattie was born…when we made love…” She hesitated, maybe waiting for Nora to object to the word “love” in her sentence.
Nora didn’t. She sighed. “It’s not that I don’t care about you. Please, don’t think that. I do care. It’s just that I…” She pressed the ball of her thumb against one closed eye, forcing back the threatening tears. “I’ll understand if this is not enough for you, but, please…” Her voice failed her.
“Not enough?” Luke repeated. “Nora, this is more than I ever thought I would have. I always thought I would spend my life alone. Now I have a wife, who accepts me, and two beautiful little girls. What more could I want?”
Love. Luke acted as if she had accepted Nora’s rejection, but still a nagging feeling of dissatisfaction remained in Nora. She wasn’t even sure why she was so upset. Wasn’t this exactly what I wanted? For Luke to stay and be content with what we have rather than expecting blazing, reason-defying love from me?
“Listen,” Luke said when an awkward silence spread between them. “I’m about to make an important, life-changing decision. It will also affect you and the children, so I thought it only fair to ask your opinion before I do it.”
A coldness that had nothing to do with the temperature in the mountains crept into Nora’s bones. Now you did it, she thought with a sinking feeling. You drove her away with your pigheaded refusal to accept her love. She’s going to leave.
“I don’t like the situation between Jacob and Bernice,” Luke said. “If something doesn’t happen soon, their marriage will fail, there will be more angry shouting and accusations, and it’s only a matter of time until Wayne will learn that Jacob is not his father. I won’t have that on my conscience.”
“What are you going to do?” Nora asked with a sense of dread.
Luke bit her lip. “There’s only one thing I can do that’ll make any difference.”
Anger bubbled up in Nora. “Running away is no solution.”
“Leaving is not what I had in mind—although it will probably come down to it anyway.” Luke shifted the baby in her arms. “I think I have to tell Jacob why Bernice doesn’t want me in the baby’s life.”
Nora could only sit and stare at her. “But that would mean revealing your identity.”
“Yes,” Luke said. “That’s what it means.”
Their gazes met.
They both knew the consequences. Jacob would probably react with the same disapproval that his wife had, and soon every last member of the wagon train would know that their captain was a woman living in disguise. They would feel betrayed, maybe even disgusted, and they would ask Luke to leave the train. Even if they didn’t, furtive hostilities would start. Some would eye Luke with suspicion, others with pity as if she had contracted leprosy. Most would keep their distance from Luke and her family or even refuse to help them with the obstacles of their journey.
Nora sighed. “Well, I promised to go wherever you go. There has to be another nice place for a horse ranch outside of the Willamette Valley.” She tried to sound enthusiastic but didn’t quite make it. After building friendships and a sense of community through long months of shared hardships, it would be hard to leave all that behind and begin anew.
Luke shifted the baby into the crook of one arm. She reached out her free hand and squeezed Nora’s fingers in a gesture of silent gratitude. “They’ll probably offer for you to stay with them.”
Nora began to shake her head, but Luke held up her hand to stop her. “Hear me out first and think about it before you make a decision. I know you made friends on the train that you’d have to leave behind.”
“They’re not much of a friend if they hate you just for being who you are,” Nora said. She would miss her friends, but not half as much as she would miss Luke if she left her behind.
“Then you think I should do it? Tell Jacob?” Luke asked.
“I don’t want you to,” Nora said, “but it’s the honorable thing to do.”
Luke squeezed her hand again. “Jacob will probably find out anyway. It’s a wonder that Bernice kept the secret for as long as she did. I didn’t think she would.”
“She doesn’t understand, but she doesn’t want to destroy your life either.”
“And I don’t want to destroy hers,” Luke answered.
They sat side by side until Brian came to take over guard duty.
“Come on,” Luke said. “Let’s go back to bed. Tomorrow will come soon enough.”
Still holding on to Luke’s hand, Nora stood, and they walked back to their wagon.
Devil’s Backbone,
October 10th, 1851
Luke urged Measles toward one of their milk cows, making the cow catch up with the mixed herd of oxen, cows, and mules that they were driving to a strip of prairie with more grass than right next to their camp.
Brian and Tom were herding their own livestock nearby, but they were out of earshot. Wayne and a few of the other boys had ridden ahead with the horses, giving Luke the ideal opportunity to talk to Jacob. She rode up to Jacob and grunted a greeting in true male pioneer style. Only then did she remember that with what she was about to tell Jacob, there was no sense in proving her manliness anymore.
Jacob looked up. “Ah, the elusive Captain Hamilton. I haven’t seen you all day.”
Luke bit her lip. She had spent the day in nervous rehearsals of what she would say to make Jacob understand. “Yeah, well, I stayed close to the wagon today. Nora is still not up to driving an exhausted ox team over miry ground and through a million mud holes.” It wasn’t a total lie. Devil’s Backbone, the three steep, muddy hills they had just passed over, was aptly named and difficult to travel.
“I hope everything’s all right with Nora and the baby?” Jacob asked.
Luke couldn’t help smiling when she thought about the newest addition to their family, but then she reminded herself that she wasn’t here to gush about Nattie. “They’re fine. Listen, Jacob, can I talk to you?”
“I thought that’s what we were doing?”
“Yeah, but there’s something in particular that I want to talk about,” Luke answered.
Jacob turned to look at her. “And that would be…?”
“Bernice.”
Jacob turned in the saddle, away from Luke. “I don’t want to talk about her.”
“Then don’t talk, just listen,” Luke said. “Jacob, you know she’s a good woman. She didn’t mean to make you feel like you’re not Wayne’s father.” Maybe she could talk some sense into Jacob without having to reveal her secret.
“How else am I supposed to feel when she tells you that you’re not allowed in the baby’s life because you didn’t father her?” Jacob’s voice became louder. “Was it supposed to make me feel all ecstatic and warm about my role in Wayne’s life?”
Luke sighed. He was making it impossible for her to take the easy way out. “What Bernice said to me has nothing to do with Wayne or you.”
“Ha!” Jacob snorted and flicked the end of a rope at one of the mules. “Come on, can you honestly tell me you can’t see the parallels?”
“Our situations, yours and mine, are not as similar as you might think,” Luke said.
Jacob said nothing. The muscles in his jaw looked as hard as stone.
Luke inhaled and then let out a shuddery breath. Hinting at it wouldn’t convince Jacob. “The reason why Bernice wants me to stay away from the baby is not because I’m not her father. She truly does believe that the man who cares for and is there for a child should be considered his or her father.” She emphasized the word “man,” knowing that Jacob wouldn’t notice anyway.
“Right.” The mule earned another flick from Jacob’s rope.
Luke sighed. I better tell him before the poor animal doesn’t have any fur left. “Do you remember the day I was shot?”
Jacob gave her a hint of a smile. “How could I forget that? It was a great fight, and then your wife standing there like some avenging angel with the revolver in her hands…”
“Then you also remember Bernice tending to my shoulder after I was shot?”
“Of course,” Jacob said. “She was in there for so long that we thought for sure you were a goner and she had to comfort your inconsolable widow.”
Luke suppressed a frown. How nice. Let’s hope he doesn’t stay in this macabre mood when I tell him, or Nora will really become an inconsolable widow. “What kept her for so long wasn’t only treating the wound,” she said. “She found something out about me that makes her believe it would be better if I stayed out of the baby’s life.”
“What reason could there possibly be for that? A child needs a father, and that doesn’t change just because Bernice doesn’t like some minor thing about you!”
“That’s just it. It’s not just a minor thing.” Luke clenched her fingers around the reins. Here it was, the moment of truth that she had avoided her entire adult life. She mentally prepared herself for every possible reaction. At first, Jacob probably wouldn’t believe her. But once he did, he might even try to beat her with the rope or ride back to the camp to tell the others. One last deep breath and she slowly unclenched her jaw. “Bernice found out something very fundamental about me. Jacob, I’m…”
Nora stacked the tin plates into the box attached to the back of the wagon. Her gaze wandered over the cooking utensils, tools, and provisions, making sure that everything was tied down should they need to leave in a hurry. Is this really the right thing to do? She looked at the baby in her arms and at Amy, who was sitting on the wagon seat, dangling her feet.
Leaving the wagon train and continuing to travel on their own wasn’t really dangerous at this point of the journey. Tomorrow, they would reach Foster’s farm, where they could stock up their provisions, and a day or two after that, they would be in Oregon City. They could overcome the remaining obstacles on their own. But still, having friends and helpful neighbors while they struggled to build a new home and survive the first winter would have been nice. She would have liked for the girls to grow up with the other children from the wagon train and for her to have a female friend with whom she could share her daily troubles and successes.
You do have a female friend you can share all that with—Luke. A small grin flitted across her face, and she shook her head. She couldn’t imagine Luke giving her advice on cooking and needlework. That had been on her mind a lot lately. When they were forced to leave and start a new life where nobody knew them, would Luke keep up her disguise or decide to live as a woman? Somehow, she couldn’t imagine Luke wearing a skirt and riding sidesaddle.
She sighed and double-checked if the tent poles were secured tightly to the side of the wagon.
“Nora?” Bernice’s voice came from behind her. “Is everything all right? You seem restless today.”
Nora let go of the tent pole and turned around. For a moment, she considered telling Bernice it was just because she was getting used to being the mother of a baby again, but then she decided to tell the truth. At least it would give Bernice and her some time to prepare to say good-bye should it become necessary. “Luke is probably with Jacob right now,” she said.
“Yeah, I know. They’re driving the cattle to a spot with more grass,” Bernice said. “But there’s no reason to worry. There’s nothing dangerous on the trail.”
“I’m not worried about the dangers on the trail. I worry because Luke wants to tell Jacob.”
Bernice frowned. “Tell him what?”
Nora shot her a pointed look.
“What? You mean…?” Bernice lowered her voice. “She wants to tell him that she’s…?”
Nora nodded.
“Why for goodness’s sake would she do that after she went to such ridiculous lengths to keep her identity a secret?” Bernice asked, a puzzled expression on her face.
Nora looked directly into Bernice’s brown eyes. “She’s doing it for you. She doesn’t want your marriage to suffer just because of the way she chose to live her life.”
Bernice continued to stare at her. She seemed almost horrified.
“What’s the matter?” Nora asked with a hint of bitterness. “Isn’t that exactly what you wanted? For Luke to be forced to leave?”
Bernice shook her head. “I wanted her to leave you alone, not take you away from your friends. And I certainly didn’t want anything to happen to her.”
“Happen?”
“Are you really that naïve, girl? Just because you have that strange fascination with Luke doesn’t mean that others will react that way too. Do you really think the worst that could happen is that she’s asked to leave the wagon train? She could be killed.”
“Killed?” Nora gasped. “Surely Jacob won’t—”
“Not Jacob,” Bernice said. “He’s too levelheaded and gentle for that, but if Brian or one of the other hotheads get wind of it, there’s no telling what they might do.”
Brian. Nora looked at the Stantons’ wagon, where Brian’s wife was putting away the last of their washed dishes. Brian was nowhere to be found. He went with Luke and Jacob, didn’t he? Panic raced along her spine. Her heartbeat hammered in her ears. “Bernice! Take her! Please!” She placed the baby into Bernice’s arms and grabbed Luke’s rifle from behind the wagon seat.
“Nora!” Bernice called.
She didn’t listen. She gathered up her skirts with one hand while the other clutched the rifle. She raced through camp, then panted up the hill, following the tracks of unshod hooves.
“Mary, stay with Amy,” Bernice called out to her oldest daughter and hurried after Nora.
Nora didn’t wait for her. She stumbled up the muddy slope. Her arms flailed when she almost fell. She stopped, gasping for breath, and bent down with her hands pressed against trembling thighs. Luke! I have to get to Luke before it’s too late, her mind screamed, but her body, still weak from the exertions of giving birth, didn’t listen.
Bernice caught up with her. “Nora! What do you think you are doing? You’re not up to running around like this, just two days after giving birth.” She grabbed Nora’s elbow to steady her.
“Please, please, help me, Bernice! I have to find Luke.” Nora looked at the older woman with wild, burning eyes.
Bernice rubbed her forearm. “I didn’t mean to scare you so badly. The situation could escalate, yes, but I don’t think they’ll shoot her on the spot.”
She had barely finished her words when a gunshot shattered the silence.
Fear flashed through Nora, making her nauseated. Never in her life had she been so afraid, not even when she’d been alone with her cruelest customers. “Oh, no! No, no, no. Not Luke!” She started to run again. Mud splattered her skirt, and branches scratched her skin. Nora barely noticed in her haste to get to Luke.
