The Complete Oregon Series, page 34
Still, she couldn’t leave Luke behind, wounded and helpless as she was. That was the only thing she knew for sure; everything else about her future seemed uncertain and frightening. She couldn’t imagine a future without Luke, knowing that she couldn’t provide for Amy and the unborn child on her own. But what kind of future could two women and two small children have together? It would be obvious to everyone they met that they were not a family. Her children would be bastards just the way they would have been if she had continued to work in a brothel.
Then Nora remembered. Nobody knows we’re two women. Everyone still thinks Luke is a man. Everyone but Bernice. She looked at her friend. “I can’t just leave her behind, Bernice,” she whispered, very aware that Luke was listening just inches away from them. “She saved my life and Amy’s more times and in more ways than I can count, and I—”
“I could talk to the others,” Bernice said. “Maybe if Jacob puts in a good word for her, they’ll let her stay.”
Nora slowly shook her head. “No. She couldn’t live that way—and neither could I.” She knew what it was like to feel furtive glances and hear the biting remarks that people made behind her back. Luke was used to being an officer and leader, a well-respected man. She wouldn’t endure to be looked at as an oddity for long. If their fellow travelers found out that she was a woman, Luke would move on and start a new life as soon as her wounds would allow it.
And Nora and her children would be left behind.
She looked at Bernice with steely determination. “I need you to pretend that you’ve never seen Luke’s body.”
“What?”
“Just treat Luke as if she really were the man you thought she was,” Nora said.
Bernice shook her head. “But…but…she’s not.”
Nora closed her eyes. “I know. But it’s the only chance we have to start a new life in Oregon. A single woman has no right to claim any land. I would be at the mercy of the men in Oregon City. I would have to marry any man who wanted me.” Hoping and praying for a kind man would have been all right a few months ago, but now it seemed too high a risk. She wouldn’t be that lucky twice. A husband like Luke came along only once. Oh, Luke. Nora stared at the woman inside the wagon and sighed. If only you were the man you pretend to be, you’d be the perfect man. She sighed again. The irony of life.
“Nora, I’m not sure this is a good idea,” Bernice said.
“Please. Please, give me that chance.” Nora stared into the brown eyes as if that would help change Bernice’s mind.
Bernice’s brow furrowed. “Is there no other way? Do you really want to keep living with her?”
Nora felt her hackles rise. She didn’t like what Bernice’s comment was implying. “Luke is still my friend and the leader of this wagon train if nothing else. That hasn’t changed, you know?”
“It’s not that,” Bernice said. “I don’t think she’s a bad person. It’s just… How long do you think this will work? How long until she’s found out again—possibly by someone who reacts less tolerantly than you and I?”
“It already worked for a very long time. Luke has lived as a man since she was twelve, and she’s only been discovered once before. You have to admit that she’s very convincing as a man.” Even she, who had more experience with men than most other women, had never even suspected that her husband was a woman. She had sensed that Luke was different from other men, yes, but she had never suspected the true cause of those differences.
Bernice gave a reluctant nod. “Oh, yeah, she is. Lord knows how often I had to listen to my own daughter moon over that dreamy Lucas Hamilton.”
“So you’ll keep quiet?” Nora asked.
“You’ll never find another husband if everyone thinks you’re married to Luke,” Bernice said.
Nora shrugged. “I don’t care.” She didn’t want another husband. The only thing she wanted was to hold on to the peace she had found living as Luke’s wife even if they had never been a couple in the truest sense of the word.
“All right,” Bernice finally said. “I just pray that you won’t regret holding on to that strange arrangement.” With a shake of her head, she walked away.
Nora moved back into the wagon and drew the strings of the cover shut. She hesitated before she turned around to face Luke.
Luke was staring at her, her eyes searching for something in Nora’s face. “Why are you doing this?”
Nora froze. “You didn’t want me to do this?” It hadn’t occurred to her that Luke might not want to continue the life they’d had. Maybe Luke wanted to take this opportunity to get rid of the wife and the two children she had burdened herself with and start a whole new life.
“I didn’t expect you to do it,” Luke said. “I was convinced that you would run away yellin’ and screamin’ as soon as you found out that you married a woman.”
“Oh, I wanted to do that,” Nora said with a small smile. “But that only lasted for an hour or two. Running is not that easy when you’re almost eight months pregnant.”
Luke nodded. “You’re staying because of the baby.”
Nora thought about it. Why am I staying? “The baby and Amy are a part of it.” It would be very hard to rob Amy of the person who was the only father she had ever known. “I’m still angry and confused, but mostly I feel…betrayed. Yes, that’s it. I feel like you’ve cheated me out of the future I could have had as your wife. After a few months as a prostitute, I stopped dreaming of a white knight that would charge in and rescue me from Tess’s establishment. Then you came along, and you turned out to be a better husband and father than I ever imagined. And then…this.” She bit her lip and gestured toward Luke’s body.
Luke looked away.
“I’m staying because I still think that I’ll have the best possible future at your side,” Nora said. “This marriage doesn’t need to be about romance or physical love. Like you said when you proposed to me—we’ll be business partners. I’ll play the dutiful wife and make people believe that you’re the most virile husband in history.” She winked at Luke. “And you’ll make them believe that I’m a prim and proper wife with a chaste past and two children born in wedlock.”
Luke finally looked into her eyes. Slowly, she lifted her hand and offered it to Nora. “It’s a deal…partner.”
Nora shook the offered hand, feeling the calluses of a life spent doing hard work against her palm.
“Should you ever find a real man, someone you could love, I promise that I won’t stand in your way,” Luke said when she let go of Nora’s hand.
Nora swept the offer aside with a wave of her hand. “Don’t worry. That won’t happen. Love is not for me.”
Luke nodded. “I don’t think it’s for me either.”
Nonetheless, Nora felt obliged to offer her the same deal that Luke had offered her. “If you ever find a…”
When she hesitated, Luke quietly supplied, “A woman.”
Nora gave a short nod. “Yeah. If you ever find a woman that you could love, I won’t stand in your way either.”
A sad smile flitted across Luke’s face. “That won’t happen.”
The sound of braying mules and moving wagons outside made Nora get up with a groan. “Stay put. I’ll get our boys yoked.”
Inch by inch, Luke lifted herself up into a sitting position. She felt weak as a newborn but could sit up without passing out. Taking it as a good sign, she searched for a clean shirt and pants in her saddlebags. With a quick glance at the closed flap of the wagon covers, she threw off her blanket.
The process of binding her chest, transforming herself into a man, had been a daily ritual for Luke since she was little more than a child. She could practically do it in her sleep. But not today. When she tried to wrap the bindings around her chest, she found that she couldn’t move her left arm behind her back without immense pain. She moved her hand back inch by inch, clenching her jaw to stifle a moan. Within seconds, sweat beaded on her forehead, and she rested it against the side of the wagon for a moment while she waited for the pain to recede.
“Luke!” Nora’s voice made her jerk and reach for the blanket to cover herself. “What are you doing?”
Luke wiped the sweat off her face with the edge of the blanket. “What does it look like? I’m getting dressed.”
“Without much success, it would seem,” Nora said. “Come on, lie back down and get some rest.”
Luke would have liked nothing better than to do just that, but she couldn’t stay in the wagon and let the pregnant Nora do all the work. “No, it’s all right. I can do this.” She looked at Nora, silently indicating for her to leave so that she could get dressed.
But Nora didn’t move. “Luke,” she said, using the same tone of voice that she sometimes used to talk to Amy when she was being unreasonable. “You’re injured. Go back to bed.”
“I will. But first I need to talk to Jacob,” Luke said.
“If you really need to talk to him, I’ll tell him and he’ll come here. You don’t have to get up.”
Luke gripped the sleeve of Nora’s blouse. “That’s not a good idea. He can’t see me like this.” She gestured at her blanket-covered body.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.” Luke gave her an embarrassed grin.
Nora looked down at her hands. “Well, then…I could help you dress.”
Luke froze and stared. “Uh…”
After a few moments of just returning her stare, Nora smiled. “You’re not the first naked woman I’ve ever seen. It wouldn’t appall me to see your body.”
But maybe it would appall me if you saw me. Luke helplessly shook her head. Not even Tess had ever seen her fully naked. The mere thought of letting Nora see her made her heart thump along with her wounded shoulder.
“Come on. I promise I won’t look.” Nora took the shirt from Luke’s weak grasp.
“Um.” Luke cleared her throat. “The shirt is not the problem.” She held up the bindings that made her chest look like that of a man.
Nora’s eyes widened. “Oh. Right.” She took a deep breath. “Well, the offer to help is still standing.”
The thought of Nora binding her breasts made Luke’s body break out in goose bumps. She shivered but couldn’t tell whether it was from fear or anticipation of Nora’s touch.
“Come on, we don’t have the time for hesitation.” Nora pointed outside, where the other emigrants were breaking camp.
Still, Luke sat frozen.
“Luke.” Warm fingers covered Luke’s, squeezing gently. “You don’t have to be afraid. You have never been anything but kind and gentle to me, so I’ll treat you with the same gentleness.”
Slowly, Luke let go of the blanket covering her bare upper body. “Please, hurry,” she whispered, her eyes on the flap that was the only barrier to the outside world.
She was very aware of Nora’s gaze traveling all over her upper body. Finally, Nora looked down at the broad strips of fabric that were used to strap down Luke’s breasts. “Lift your arms,” Nora said.
Luke tried, but she couldn’t lift her left arm over her head.
“Stop.” Nora’s fingers closed around her wrist. “Don’t hurt yourself. I’ll try it like this.” She pressed one end of the bindings against Luke’s shoulder blade and held it in place while wrapping the fabric around Luke’s chest with her other hand.
The warm hands that repeatedly brushed against the sides of her breasts made Luke sweat and tremble. “Tighter.” She grunted. Her voice was hoarse, but she knew that pain had nothing to do with it. Luke cursed her traitorous body.
Nora stopped, her hands still resting against Luke, holding the bindings in place. “I’ll hurt you if I wrap it any tighter.”
“It doesn’t matter. It has to be tight,” Luke said, her teeth clenched against the dual sensation of pain and pleasure.
“I still don’t understand why you choose to do this to yourself every day of your life,” Nora murmured. Her thumb rubbed over Luke’s upper chest, where the bindings had already left behind a red welt.
Luke covered the hand with her own to hold it still, only belatedly noticing that it drew unnecessary attention to the touch that Nora probably hadn’t been aware of.
“Oh. Sorry.” Nora withdrew her hand and fastened the bindings.
“It’s the only way I can live the life I want,” Luke said. She slipped the shirt over her shoulders, but when she tried to button it up, her usually steady fingers were trembling.
Gently, but resolutely, Nora pushed her fingers away and took over the task.
Luke stared down at the nimble fingers buttoning her shirt. It was oddly intimate, like something a wife would do for her husband.
Finally, she was dressed.
“See?” Nora pointed at the row of buttons. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
It didn’t feel bad at all—and that’s the problem. Of course, Luke didn’t say it out loud. She just nodded.
Nora smoothed a hand over the collar of Luke’s shirt. Her gaze slid up and down Luke’s body, taking in the transformation. “Amazing,” she whispered.
“What?” She squirmed under Nora’s intense appraisal.
An embarrassed smile danced over Nora’s lips. “I’ve seen you nearly naked just a minute ago, but I can hardly believe what’s beneath your clothes when I look at you like this.”
Luke looked into Nora’s eyes. “It would be the best for both of us if you forgot it altogether.”
“I wish I could.” The answer came fast, without thinking, and was accompanied by a sigh of regret.
“I’m sorry,” Luke whispered. With a noise somewhere between a sigh and a groan, she pushed herself upward and stood on shaky legs.
Before she could climb out of the wagon, Nora opened the flap and stuck her head outside. “Jacob?” she called out.
“Yeah?” Jacob Garfield’s weathered face appeared at the end of the wagon.
“Luke would like to have a word with you,” Nora said, then climbed outside and left them alone to talk.
Jacob studied Luke.
She couldn’t help wondering if he looked at her any differently than he had a few days ago. Does he know? Did Bernice tell him? Bernice was his wife, after all, and she was supposed to keep no secrets from her husband.
But Jacob’s expression was neutral and didn’t betray his thoughts. “Glad to see you up and about. How are you?”
“I’m fine. It’s not me I’m worried about.” Luke nodded to the front of the wagon, where Nora was busy checking the oxen’s backs for sores. “Jacob, I know you’ve got plenty to do without me asking for a favor, but I’m probably out of commission for a few days, and Nora can’t possibly do it all on her own, pregnant as she is.”
Jacob clapped her on her uninjured shoulder. “Don’t worry. Wayne and I will help out while you recover.”
Luke swallowed. Bernice didn’t tell him. Yet. If she had, Jacob wouldn’t have offered his help so readily. “Thank you.”
When Jacob walked away, she sank back down onto her bedroll. For now, she couldn’t do anything but recover and pray that Bernice would keep her mouth closed until she was at least halfway healed.
Farewell Bend,
September 5th, 1851
Nora straightened her aching back and shaded her eyes with her hand to catch one last glance at the Snake River. They were leaving the wide river at this point and would be traveling over dusty hills to the dreaded Burnt River Canyon.
Every muscle, tendon, and bone in her body hurt, but she didn’t dare to complain, afraid that Luke would jump out of the wagon and take over the task of driving the oxen at the first sound of pain from her.
Luke was acting like the typical ill man—impatient with the healing process, the people who were trying to help her, and with her own weakness. Nora had watched her carefully during the last few days—not only because she constantly had to keep her from getting out of bed, but also because she wanted to see if she could detect changes in Luke’s behavior, now that she knew her true gender.
So far, the differences she had noticed had been very small, convincing her more and more that Luke hadn’t just pretended to be a man—she had simply acted how she felt most comfortable. Still, Luke’s behavior toward her had changed. The aloof distance that had diminished with every mile of their journey was totally gone now. After an initial awkwardness that had followed the discovery of Luke’s secret, Luke was now beginning to show a softer, warmer side when it was just the two of them. Nora suspected that it had been there all along, but Luke hadn’t dared to show it, afraid of being thought of as unmanly.
The Garfields joined her as she struggled up the hill. “Just a few more days and we’ll catch our first glimpse of the Blue Mountains,” Jacob said and grinned.
Nora nodded. On the one hand, she shared Jacob’s excitement at being so close to the end of their journey, but on the other hand, the thought of having to cross the mountains worried her. Now that they would need their energy most, the pregnancy made her feel constantly tired, and Luke still hadn’t recovered from her wounds.
“Oh, don’t worry, girl.” Jacob patted her arm. “I won’t let anything happen to you while your husband can’t take care of you and the wagon.”
For the last few days, Jacob and his oldest son, Wayne, had helped her with the tent and the oxen. They had been helpful and friendly, but Nora still longed for Luke’s return to her duties. Traveling with the Garfield men was nice, but it was just not the same. Sometimes, they took over tasks that Luke had let her handle on her own, trusting her to do a good job. Luke treated her as an equal, and she liked the feeling of being appreciated that she got when she was with Luke.
