The Complete Oregon Series, page 42
Jacob turned a steely gaze at his wife. “Then what is this nonsense about him staying out of the baby’s life? Didn’t you once say that you consider the man who provides and cares for a child the father even if he isn’t by blood? Does that mean you changed your mind?”
“No, no, that’s not… I don’t mean that at all. It’s just… He…” Bernice gestured at Luke but couldn’t explain without revealing Luke’s secret.
Jacob didn’t even listen. “Then maybe you want me to disappear from Wayne’s life too?” His normally calm voice vibrated with emotion.
Luke stared from one Garfield to the other. What was going on between them? Their discussion didn’t seem to be about her and Nora anymore.
After long moments of tense silence, Jacob turned to her, his expression like stone. “I didn’t father Wayne, but I always considered him mine anyway. I thought that Bernice did too, but it seems that’s not the case at all.” Without another word, he turned and disappeared into the forest.
Bernice stood frozen to the spot. Tears were running down her face, dripping onto the ground. She pressed a hand to her mouth to muffle a sob.
Luke’s and Nora’s gazes met over the still nursing baby, but then Luke looked away as a feeling of guilt gripped her. She had always longed for a marriage like the Garfields’. And now that might be ruined, just because of me.
“Ow!” Nora winced and held the baby out to Luke. “Take her for a moment.”
“What? Why?” Luke stared at the newborn. Before this day, she had never held a baby, and now was not the time to practice it, not when she could easily hurt the baby in her agitated state of mind.
Nora still held out the baby. “Because I’m having contractions!”
“C-contractions? You mean you…you’re having twins?” Luke wasn’t sure whether she should be elated or taken aback. Mostly, she was just panicked.
Nora laughed for a moment before she grimaced. “No, it’s the afterbirth. Take her, please.”
“I don’t have much experience with babies.” Try none.
“You won’t hurt her,” Nora said. “You were wonderful with her earlier. Just support her head and neck with one of your hands.”
Luke slipped one of her hands under the baby’s head and lifted her into the cradle of her other arm. “Like this?”
“Yeah, that’s good.” Nora rubbed her lower belly.
“Mama?” Amy called from the wagon.
Luke gazed down at Nora, hesitant to leave her.
“Go,” Bernice said and dried her eyes. “I’ll help her.”
Very slowly and carefully, Luke stood and made her way to the wagon with the baby in her arms. “Amy? Come and meet your little sister.”
Amy scrambled up from beneath her blanket and eagerly rushed toward Luke. Then she took one look at the baby and frowned. “But she is so small. I can’t play with her. Can I give her back and get a filly?”
Luke bit back the laughter that wanted to bubble up. She was afraid that if she allowed herself to laugh, she would lose control of her emotions and the tears would follow close behind. The night had been a constant up and down of various emotions. Before she met Nora, Luke had led a simple life, feeling very little except for contentment and sometimes a mild annoyance. Now she had experienced the whole spectrum of intense emotions in just one night.
“She’ll grow and you can play with her when she’s a little older,” she said, silently wondering if she would still be a part of the little girl’s life when she was Amy’s age. Then she forced back the thought because it hurt too much.
She left Amy and the baby with Nora, who was getting cleaned up with the help of a stony-faced Bernice, then went in search of Jacob. I better ask him for help with the wheel now before Bernice tells him everything and he refuses to help me, leaving me to freeze to death next to my broken-down wagon.
Luke stalked through the dense forest, enjoying the time away from the small camp where so much had happened in the course of just a few hours. She finally found Jacob sitting on a fallen log, driving his knife into the bark again and again. “Jacob?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Jacob said.
Good, neither do I. I had enough heartache for one night. “Do you think you can help me with the wheel?” Luke asked him. “I want to get Nora and the baby to Oregon City as soon as possible.”
Jacob slid from the log. “Let’s get it over with.”
Nora looked down at the sleeping baby in her arms. Every muscle in her body hurt, and she didn’t look forward to traveling in the wagon as soon as Jacob and Luke had finished the repairs. The bumping and jostling would be anything but pleasant, and she could only hope that the baby would sleep through that.
“What are you going to call her?” Bernice asked as she helped Nora slip back into her bodice after nursing the baby.
“Natalie…Nattie,” Nora answered with a smile. “We’ll name her for Nate, a friend of Luke’s who died in the Mexican War.”
At the mention of Luke, Bernice’s smile vanished. She hadn’t said a word to Luke or Jacob for the last few hours, nor had Jacob talked to her.
“I didn’t know that Wayne is not Jacob’s son,” Nora said into the awkward silence.
Bernice sighed. “Nobody knew. No one but me and Jacob.”
“Not even Wayne?”
“No.” Bernice slowly shook her head. “We never thought it necessary to tell him. Jacob is his father in every way that counts.”
Nora looked down at the baby and thought about her own children. Would they someday tell them that Luke was not their father? Would they tell them who and what she really was? Would Luke even stay with them long enough for it to become an issue? Nora had felt the pain that the unrequited declaration of love had caused Luke. It had hurt her too, just to see the pain in Luke’s eyes. The worst thing was that Luke would take her rejection as a confirmation that no one would ever love her.
It’s not her. It’s me. I’m not able to love anymore. Affection, desire, yes, but not unconditional, all-consuming love. She had loved once, and it had nearly destroyed her life. She wouldn’t risk that again. She was no longer a naïve young girl; she was a grown woman with children who depended on her. She couldn’t afford to put her trust in something as transitory as love and act like a besotted fool again. Her future decisions would be made with a level head, not with an infatuated heart.
She didn’t allow herself to think about the consequences that her decision would have for Luke. Forcing her thoughts in another direction, she asked about Bernice’s life instead. “How old was Wayne when you met Jacob?” She still couldn’t believe that Jacob was not Wayne’s father. The boy, almost a man by now, was so much like Jacob in everything but his physical appearance.
“He hadn’t even been born yet,” Bernice said. “Wayne’s father…the man who fathered him, we were engaged, but when I got pregnant, he couldn’t disappear fast enough.”
Nora nodded and squeezed Bernice’s hand. It seemed their experiences had been nearly identical.
“Jacob was our neighbor and an old friend of the family,” Bernice said. “He helped me through that time. When he asked me to marry him, I said yes without even having to think about it. It didn’t matter to me that I was not in love with him. I had been in love with my betrothed, and look where it got me. All I wanted after that was a friend and a father for my baby.”
Nora blinked. Is she really talking about herself? That could have been the story of my life. The parallels between their lives were almost eerie. “Then you lived with him, shared his bed, and raised children with him without loving him?” she asked. It almost came as a relief to her because it eased the guilt she felt toward Luke. Here was another woman—a woman she had always thought very highly of—who had lived a content life with her husband, without confessing her undying love for him.
“No,” Bernice said, shattering Nora’s relief. “That’s not what I said. I didn’t start out loving him. But today, I can honestly say that I love him more than my foolish younger self ever loved that immature young man who fathered Wayne.”
“You’ve come to love him over the years because he proved to be a good father and a reliable friend,” Nora said, almost to herself. These emotions were safe enough, and she could readily admit feeling the same for Luke. It was a tame, friendly kind of love that could easily be controlled.
But once again, Bernice shook her head. “He’s both, but my feelings for him are more than just that. He can make me laugh, blush, tear my hair in frustration, and forget about everything else in the world when he smiles at me. I love him from the bottom of my heart, and I know that my life would be over if I lost him.” Tears shimmered in her eyes as she looked at her husband, who pointedly had his back to her while he worked.
That’s where the parallels between us end. I won’t tie my heart, my life, my very soul to one person ever again. The possibility of losing Luke was all too real, and she couldn’t afford to stop living if it should happen. Her children were her reason for living, not love. “Did you try to talk to him?” she asked, glad to direct her thoughts back to Bernice and Jacob.
“And just what do you suggest I say? The only explanation he would accept is the truth, and that would turn your life upside down.” Bernice looked her in the eyes. “Do you want me to do that?”
Nora averted her eyes. “No.”
Bernice stood with a sigh. “They’re ready. Let’s get you and the little one settled in the wagon.”
Sandy River,
October 9th, 1851
Luke woke with a start. She lifted up on her elbow with a groan, listening into the darkness. Her muscles hurt from lowering the wagons down the Barlow Pass. They had been forced to zigzag down the steep slope, which had made it necessary to cross and recross the little stream called Zigzag River again and again until they had reached the Sandy River. The roads were still bad, covered with mud holes after it had rained all night. Nora had endured the constant jostling without complaint, but Luke could see that she was hurting and exhausted.
A whining sound came from the wagon under which Luke had settled down for the night. The baby. That’s probably what woke me up.
The low whining quickly became louder, turning into a nerve-racking cry.
Luke scrambled out of her bedroll. She looked into the wagon and saw the red-faced baby look back at her. The little girl continued to cry, but still Nora didn’t stir, dead to the world due to sheer exhaustion.
Luke stared at the baby, willing her to stop crying, but of course Nattie didn’t. Luke had no idea what to do. When Nattie cried, Nora had always taken care of her, and Luke had gladly relinquished any baby-related tasks to her, afraid that she would hurt the baby in her inexperience. But now she was on her own. She didn’t want to wake Nora, knowing she was exhausted from the exertions of giving birth. She needed the rest. Luke reached over Nora and carefully lifted the baby into her arms.
The baby was silent for a second, then cried even more loudly.
“Sssh, ssshh.” Luke walked away from the wagon with its sleeping inhabitants. She cradled the baby protectively against her chest, shielding her from the cold wind, and studied the tiny face. “Why are you crying?”
Nora always seemed to know. She could easily discern the “I’m hungry” from the “I need my diaper changed” cry, but Luke found herself sadly lacking in that department. After two rounds around the outer perimeter of the camp, she still didn’t know why the baby was crying. Finally, she decided to check the baby’s diaper. She returned to the wagon and took one of the clean cloths that served as Nattie’s diapers. Carefully balancing the baby against her chest, she spread out her bedroll on the sparsely growing grass. Then, steadying Nattie’s head as Nora had told her, she laid the baby down on the bedroll.
The crying became even louder, and Nattie’s tiny limbs kicked out in protest of being moved away from her warm place against Luke’s chest.
Luke unwrapped the soft baby blanket. “Ugh. You definitely need your diaper changed, little one.” She pinched her nose. “All right,” she said to herself, “you can do this.” She had watched Nora change the baby’s diaper before, but it had always appeared so easy then. Taking a deep breath, Luke removed the soiled diaper. She wrinkled her nose and tied the ends of the old diaper into a neat ball.
The baby continued to cry. Her face turned red from all the crying.
Luke hurried to get her cleaned up and dressed again. Finally, she lifted up the clean cloth that would be Nattie’s new diaper. She struggled to get it under the baby until she remembered that Nora had lifted Nattie up a bit by the ankles. Luke hesitated. She didn’t want to hurt the baby. Being responsible for something so small and vulnerable was scary. Come on. Don’t be such a coward. You can’t let her lie around half-naked in this weather. She gently lifted the baby’s lower half and slid the cloth under her bottom. After securing the corners of the cloth, she leaned back to admire her handiwork.
It didn’t look as neat as Nora’s, but it would certainly do. Luke allowed herself a relieved grin before she lifted the baby up again. “Why are you still crying?” She lowered her voice to a soothing level. “You’re all nice and clean now, aren’t you?”
On the third round around the camp, the baby finally stopped crying and nuzzled against Luke’s bound breasts.
Luke’s cheeks grew hot. “Sorry, little one,” she murmured. “I’m not the parent with your built-in dinner.” Parent. Luke stopped and looked down at the tiny girl in her arms. The baby and the responsibility that came with it were still scaring her, but she had never been so sure that she loved Nora than when she looked at Nora holding her youngest daughter. She wanted to make a life with them, wanted to be there to see the girls grow up. In some moments, it already seemed so real and attainable that she could see the four of them sitting on the porch of the ranch she would build. But then there were the moments when she saw a man sitting in her place next to Nora, a man Nora could love.
“Luke? Is that you?” Jacob called out from his place at the fire. He had volunteered to stand guard for the second night in a row, making it easier for him to avoid his wife.
“Yeah. Me and Nattie.” Luke sat in front of the fire, careful not to get too close to the flames with the precious bundle in her arms.
Jacob leaned forward to peer beneath the baby blanket at the now sleeping infant. There was so much emotion in his eyes that Luke just knew that he was thinking about Wayne at that age.
“Walking around seems to calm her,” she said, just to break the silence. “She must have gotten used to the constant walking Nora did while she was pregnant with her.”
“Of all my children, Wayne is the one who’s most like me in everything he does,” Jacob said, not reacting to Luke’s words at all. “How do you think that’s possible?”
“You’re his father,” Luke answered. “You taught him everything he knows.” She tucked the blanket a little closer around the sleeping baby. The thought that Amy and Nattie would someday be a little like her was wonderful and scary at the same time.
Jacob stared into the fire. The circle of light flickered over the dark shadows beneath his eyes.
He’s hurting, and so is Bernice. The guilt settled like lead in the pit of Luke’s stomach. The Garfields were good people, and she didn’t want to see their marriage suffer just because of her. She had promised herself that she would leave before her secret could hurt Nora or the children, and now she felt that the same promise should hold true for the first friends she had made in years. Only this time, leaving wouldn’t resolve the situation. She took a deep breath and opened her mouth, then closed it again. No. Not without talking to Nora first. This affects her and the children too, and she has a right to be a part of the decision.
Nora slid one hand out from under her blanket and felt around for the baby. Her hand found only an empty space where Nattie had been. She jerked upright. Maybe Bernice has taken her to allow me some sleep. Nora was grateful for it. She gingerly stretched her still hurting body and then checked on the sleeping Amy before she climbed out of the wagon. Still a little sleepy, she wandered over to the Garfields’ wagon and peered inside.
Bernice was tossing and turning in her sleep, and one of the children was coughing, but there was no sign of the baby. From one moment to the other, Nora was wide-awake. “Bernice,” she whispered urgently.
The older woman opened her eyes.
“Nattie was gone when I woke up. She—”
“Luke has her,” Bernice said. “I saw him walk around camp with the baby for an hour before Nattie finally fell asleep. I think he even changed her diaper.”
“Oh.” Nora hadn’t expected that. Luke had been so nervous and awkward handling the baby before.
“She’s quite the little daddy,” Bernice said, her voice so low that only Nora could understand her words.
Nora felt her hackles rise. “Bernice,” she said, a quiet warning in her voice. “You’re a kind, warmhearted woman. Why can’t you just let it go and accept Luke’s role in our lives? You say that Jacob is Wayne’s father because he’s always been there for him, but—”
Bernice shook off her blanket and sat up. “He was. He’s the best father that Wayne could wish for.”
“I don’t doubt that. I just don’t understand why you won’t accept that Luke can be a wonderful parent as well.”
“It’s not the same.” Bernice struggled to keep her voice down.
“No? Why not?”
“Because it’s unnatural,” Bernice said. “It’ll only bring you hurt and pain.”
Nora looked at her through burning eyes. “At the moment, you are the one hurting me,” she whispered. “You didn’t let nature dictate the relationship between Jacob and Wayne, why should it prevent me and my children from loving Luke?”
