Personal Possessions, page 23
The fire was smothered out by that motherfucker…Bear.
It seemed as if time stood still, I couldn’t think, move or even feel. My mind was filled with images of nothing but violence. There was nothing more that I wanted to do then to take this all away from her, make it all go away and give her the life that I know she wanted and deserved.
I heard footsteps approaching behind me.
We stood there for what seemed like hours but turned out to be just minutes. I waited…hoped that she would begin the conversation by explaining to me what the fuck was going on, what was going on and at least allow her to put some of what she has carried for god only knows how long on me, but deep down inside, I knew that was not going to happen.
Even though I knew everything now, she still was going to pretend that nothing had changed. This made my anger flare even more. I didn’t know whether to turn around and face her or just continue to stare a hole in the open cabinet that was right in front of me. I decided I couldn’t take the silence anymore.
“What the fuck is going on, Elle?”
I was trying with all my might to hold back the emotion that was raging through me at the moment. This anger wasn’t directed at her…I was pissed off at the whole situation that she and her children were put in.
“Let’s go, TJ”
“We’re not going anywhere!!!!!”
I turned to face her and I exploded. I couldn’t hide it anymore. She needed to know that all this bullshit…everything that Bear had done or said to her was going to be brought out in the open today, nothing more was going to be hidden from me.
“I heard that whole fucking conversation Elle, did he fucking call you a whore?”
My voice was low and I know that I scared her, I didn’t want too but she had to know I was serious. She had to realize that I was going to do whatever I had to so that her and her children were safe.
Elle attempted to turn her back on me and walk out of the kitchen.
“NO, NO, NO…..you don’t get to walk away from this, Elleny. Don’t you fucking dare close me out!!! You don’t get to decide what I get to know and what I don’t get to know!!!”
Immediately, Elle turned around and got nose to nose with me. I didn’t know whether to kiss this all away from her or hear what she had to say.
“You don’t get to decide what you get to know and what you don’t! You don’t want me to close you out? You don’t know how many times I have been raped by that man, how many abortions he’s made me go through! How many times he has beaten me so bad that I haven’t been able to stand up, sit down or even lay down. Nothing! You want to know…my throat? It’s sore because he came home to me just the other night while I was sleeping and held me down by sitting on my chest while he face fucked me until I cleaned off every bit of his bitches juices! The reason I need to go to the doctor’s is because I need to find out if I have Hepatitis since he decided to fuck her up the ass too and shove that down my throat as well!!”
I know my face had to be pale and blank…I couldn’t believe what my ears were hearing. I didn’t know how to respond. She said “the other night” and the first thing that came to mind what the fight between Bear and I. I caused this, I made him go home and do this to her. I did know one thing though, Bear was going to pay for what he’s done to her.
Her voice brought me back to the conversation.
“You wanna know, you’re gonna know!” Elle held up her wrists in front of my face as she stated, “These…are from him tying me up with his leather straps and abusing me so bad, he ended up tearing tissue internally! He’s beat me so bad, Lilly couldn’t even help clean me up, there was so much blood, she thought I was dead…and that wasn’t even the worst time! You wanna know what my tattoos are? The “Remember” isn’t about remembering anything about is, it’s a promise…a vow to myself, that no one will ever love you the way you deserve to be loved. It means remember to keep your heart locked heavily away and don’t let anyone touch it…ever!!!”
Elle pointed to the one on her right wrist and I could see remorse wash over her. “This one is the most important advice anyone has ever given me, it says you can have my blood, you can even have my sweat…but you will never get my tears!!!”
She was gasping trying to bring oxygen into her lungs…making herself breathe. Tears were streaming down her face, she couldn’t hold back anymore and I was pleased that she felt that I was a safe place for her to show her venerability to…that’s what I wanted; I longed for to be that someone for her again. She was so brave to have gone through what she’s gone through.
I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t say anything. I was dead inside. I remembered seeing her that day speaking with the older woman and the look that was on her face, what I was so mistaken about…her happiness. She beamed that day, I could remember it as if it was yesterday.
Elle was screaming directly at me and I heard the words, but it didn’t sink in. I had to think about what she said several times, because there was no way she could’ve said what it sounded like she said.
“I’m broken, Trevor…I’m tainted and I will never be repaired!!!”
I couldn’t hear anymore. Those words had ripped open that what Elle had just healed, I was mortally wounded by the confession she had just laid on me. Never in my life, would I have thought that of Bear. I started putting the pieces of the puzzle together.
Lauren popped into my mind, the pictures that she showed me of Bear tormenting that stripper on the side of the building came to my sight. The story she told of when he cornered her in the office that night of the party…the terror that covered her face…he hit her too.
“That is a favorite pastime of his.”
I could hear Lauren’s voice clear as day.
I stood there just staring at Elle, having these thoughts roll across my mind. I was enraged and I knew that there was only one way to ease the pain for the both of us. I needed this guilt that consumed me to be exempted; gone.
“I caused this.” kept repeating over and over in my head.
I was done with this whole fucking conversation. I saw Elle turn to walk away and I made the decision that she was done doing that. I grabbed her arm and pulled her into me.
“What the fuck, TJ?”
I still couldn’t say anything…I was literally terrified that not only would I say the wrong thing, but she would find a way to back out of this deal and I needed her just as much as she needed me.
“TJ, you can’t do this….I’m not begging.”
I carried her into the bedroom and gently set her down. I undressed her gently…as though she was a fragile glass vessel; I was going to remind her of how she should be treated. Now that I knew the truth, I needed to see what I was dealing with. I walked over to the light switch and flipped it on.
“Please TJ….no, please don’t turn on the-“
I couldn’t believe my eyes. There wasn’t a spot on her that wasn’t black and blue. I could feel my mouth was open and my chest was tight. Elle’s body…her beautiful body had not been treated as a place of worship but more as a punching bag. I wanted to lay my lips against every bruise and heal all of her.
I walked around her taking in all I saw, burning it into my mind so that I would never forget one inch of it while I murder Bear with my own two hands. I wish I would’ve seen any of this before my run in with Bear, I would’ve killed him that night.
“TJ-“
“Shhhhh.”
I couldn’t talk, there was nothing to say…I had to show her that she was repairable…she was worth every fucking moment of healing. She was bendable, not breakable and I was going to remind her of that. I gently unhooked her bra and came around the front of her. She tried to hide herself, I nudged her arms back down to her sides. I caught a glimpse of her eyes, eyes that were so broken and pained, she didn’t think she deserved to meet mine.
I placed my finger under her chin, hoping that she would follow my lead to meet my eyes…eyes that were filled with nothing but her. She complied but didn’t read what I was trying to explain to her without saying a word; at least she didn’t pull them away. I pulled her bra straps down until it was off. She tried to hide herself again, something that wouldn’t happen for a third time.
“Don’t you even fucking think about it!”
I could see the wheels in her head begin to turn, she was going to try and talk her way out of this; talking was done…it was time for her to feel.
“Don’t say a fucking word.”
Every emotion that I have ever felt in the last seventeen years…every visions…every nightmare that I had when it came to Elle built up inside right at the center of my chest, where the hole was now infected and oozing. I never thought I could feel so lifeless…I wished at this very moment that death would show its face to me, because that way I wouldn’t have to suffer with the blame that I now placed on myself. I should’ve come back…I waited too long. Why didn’t Rachel say anything?
“You’re gonna regret turning your back on her, Trevor…just remember that.”
Rachel…she knew what was going on, that’s what that look was that day in the car. The more I put piece after piece of what everyone else knew, the more I became enraged. Someone should’ve opened their mouths. Why did it come to me finding out this way…not sooner?
“You have no idea what Elle is going through she loves her kids so much and puts up with so much from him, he goes days without even coming home…”
I had to feel her against me. I knew I wasn’t in my right mind, I was crazy with rage, lust and Elle’s recovery. I thought if I touched her, my fingers could take away the mismatched discoloring. I kneeled down in front of her; revering her. I touched every part of her, concentrating on remembering how good she used to feel against me; hoping this wasn’t a dream.
I placed my hands on her stomach. How ecstatic would I have been to be able to feel my babies moving inside of her, and yet…he was destroying what was her. I couldn’t fathom the thought. I couldn’t believe how anyone could destroy something so beautiful. The bruises…the swelling, the humiliation he must’ve made her feel. No wonder she’s turned herself off. I caressed her body in soft touches begging with all that was holy to bring my Elle back.
I wanted my Elle back.
I gently placed my mouth where my hands had just touched. I was attempting to hold back, I feared that she would see what was inside me…the rage…the brokenness…the devastation, all of it, for her and shut down, but yet, I couldn’t believe what peace I felt as I traveled over her.
I looked up to see Elle had shut her eyes. I wanted to call to her to watch me, to see that there was nothing here but loveliness and splendor but I didn’t want to ruin the moment by spooking her. She was hanging on by a fine thread as it was, any minute I could lose her.
I knew what had to happen. This behavior…Elle’s life as she knew it was not going to continue on, I would make sure of it. I knew I fucked up by staying away so long, but I had to concentrate on the here and now which was exactly what I was going to do. That was the last time Bear would lay a hand on her…on anyone.
I laid my head against her stomach, I could hear her heart racing…she was scared…of me. I fucking hated that he made her fear me.
“I’m gonna kill him Elle.”
I couldn’t take anymore, I was overcome with the guilt that this was my fault…all of it. If I would’ve fought harder for her that night, this would have never happened. If I would’ve just turned the table and took Bear down, instead of wallowing in my own self-pity, this whole situation would have come out with a totally different outcome; she would have been safe…she would have been mine. The agony of knowing that I waited so long on returning home, I could have stopped this a long time ago.
The thought that if I wouldn’t have told him to go home to his wife, he would have stayed with the stripper and she would have never been hurt. I caused this; I had to live with that.
I slowly got up and walked into the bathroom for my breakdown. My mind was going crazy with thoughts of what I had done to her. How could I have been so fucking stupid! Why did I have to get out of Kip’s car and be the bad ass? I couldn’t deal with it; I let Elle down. I was supposed to be her anchor and I let her drift away; I lost her. I had to take my frustration out and before I knew it, I had torn the bathroom all to hell.
Feeling the sting of glass piercing the skin on the bottom of my feet was nothing compared to what the hole in my chest felt like. I deserved every ounce of pain I was feeling, unlike Elle…she never deserved any of this. I wanted to bear every ounce of hurt that inflicted her; to take it away and allow her to enjoy what she deserved…happiness.
Suddenly I felt her hands on me. Stillness gripped me. I was overwhelmed with all that was her. Her love, peace…beauty. I hungered for that feeling to take all this shit away.
“TJ….honey pick up your foot Sweetie, so that I can slip on your shoe, I don’t want you to cut yourself.”
I could feel her sitting my down to pick up my foot, but all I could see was her, after all I had asked of her today…after all that I had caused to her life, she was still here, caring to me.
I was so in love with this woman.
“Would you like me to leave while you get in the shower?”
“I’m sorry, Elle. I’m so, so sorry.”
I couldn’t say anything else. I needed her forgiveness for everything. I just wanted to hear her say that she had forgiven what I had caused her life to become.
“I’m so sorry, baby.”
Elle pulled my face into her hands and looked into my eyes and what happened next would’ve brought me to my knees if I wasn’t already sitting; it humbled me.
She smiled and I caught a glimpse of that spark in her eye.
“Shhhh, TJ…..sweetie, none of this is your fault.”
Elle didn’t know what she was saying. It was my fault. She didn’t know about the other night, Bear and me meeting, the fight. She knew nothing, would she say it wasn’t my fault if she knew? I think not.
“I’m so sorry, baby.”
I just wanted to hear her say that I had her forgiveness…when deep down I knew that was something that would never come.
“It’s ok, everything is fine.”
I couldn’t contain myself one more minute. I didn’t want to hear it was ok one more time. It wasn’t ok. I would never be ok in my book. I was wound as tight as a top, the only way I was getting rid of these emotions was to fuck them away.
I touched my hand to her cheek and guided her eyes to mine as my head came down to hers. I touched my lips to hers and immediately she opened for me. I tenderly kissed her to show her that I was sorry and she kissed me back telling me that all was right…this was right. She wanted me as much as I wanted her. This made me proceed forward. I stood up, pulling Elle with me, never breaking the kiss. My lips pushed harder as Elle began to deepen the kiss…I pulled back.
“TJ babe, I’m not glass.”
Was she fucking serious? She would never understand how delicate she truly was. How much she affected people. I revered her; worshipped her, for seventeen years, no one could amount to her and there wouldn’t be another woman that would in my eyes.
“That’s just it, Elle. Yes you are. You should never have to hurt like this.”
I needed her, I wasn’t leaving this bedroom without her knowing what she meant to me, I was through talking about it. I was going to show her. I didn’t even wait until we stepped into the room to remove her top again and she allowed me. I put my lips back over hers as I guided her to the side of the bed and gently laid her down. I needed this time with her as she did with me. I covered her body with my tongue tasting every part of her skin that she would allow. I wasn’t going to push it, she needed to say the words for it to really get going. Her moans were consent for me to move forward and I endeavored for them to continue with every single kiss I laid on her.
My cock was throbbing, I needed nothing more than to make her mine again. I wanted too. Bear would never have her again. Once she allowed me inside of her, no man would ever touch her again…I would make sure of that.
I pulled back for a moment and looked down at the scene that was playing out in front of me. Elle laid there, completely naked…underneath me. Her beautiful body was sprawled out as though she was a buffet and I was there to get my fill. It took all that was within me not to touch her. Fuck, I needed to touch her.
“Say the words Elle, I have to hear them from you, I have to know that you want this just as bad as I do. This can’t be all just me.”
Just as I finished, Elle bowed up, presenting herself to me as though she was my gift. She drew her knees up and spread them so that I could see all that was between and she was so ready for me. Her pussy was glistening and wet. I wanted to run my tongue between those lips and drink up every last drop of her.
Suddenly, Elle sat up and put her face up to mine as she rubbed her nose against mine.
“Please TJ, I need you baby. TJ honey, please, I’m begging you here.”
That was all I needed to hear. I kissed her gently as I laid her back down to the bed. I couldn’t get enough of her and now that she gave me the words, she was going to remember everything that was TJ and Elle; together…anchored.
“I’ve missed this baby. You’re still so beautiful. You will never fully comprehend what you do to me. ”
I worked my way down past her bellybutton, approaching where I had dreamed of being when I felt Elle jolt and almost climb the wall. Shit…what did I do? I must’ve moved too fast. Oh god, I scared the shit outta her.
