Remembering Ellie, page 9
‘Oh yes, he’s been patient when I know it’s not easy for him. In many ways we’re already like a married couple; I go around each morning to look after Sam and cook a meal for us after work before going back to my parents. I’ve seriously thought about staying overnight, yet I’ve chickened out, I’m afraid.’
‘It’s probably still too early. This is what I mean about putting pressure on yourself – there are no timescales here, Ellie. Take a small step at a time and only go ahead with what you’re comfortable with.’
‘We did have a meal out together, which went well. Phil is rather handsome, so perhaps I could fall for him a second time.’
‘You did once, so I would think that’s quite a likely possibility.’ Dr Hudson smiled at her patient. ‘There will of course be things about those lost years which you’ll need to know. Your own medical history and Sam’s too, that sort of thing.’
‘What would be the best way to do that? Will it be okay for others to fill me in on all the events I’ve forgotten, or is it better to wait for the memories to resurface naturally?’
‘I’d have to say a bit of both. As I said, you need to know certain facts about your health, but I can happily tell you that you’ve had no significant health problems over the last ten years. And Sam, well, I can do you a printout of his notes, immunisations and the like, if it would help?’
‘Oh, yes, please, that would be great. I’m assuming from the stretch marks that it was a natural birth?’
‘Absolutely, no problems there, and he went to full term. I suppose you feel rather cheated having the stretch marks and no memory of the birth?’ Dr Hudson grinned again.
‘Yes, but I’m still hopeful of one day remembering everything.’
‘Good for you, Ellie. Now, I understand you’ve declined the offer of hypnosis and EMDR, which is fine, but I want you to feel you can come and see me anytime you need to. If you have trouble booking an appointment, ask to speak to me on the phone and if I’m with a patient, I’ll ring you back. You seem to have great support at home but sometimes you can be too close to someone and complete honesty becomes difficult, so remember, my door is always open.’ Another of the doctor’s reassuring smiles brought the appointment to a close and Ellie left the surgery to find her father, eager to embark on her driving lesson, after which she’d return to her role of caring for her son.
Chapter Eighteen
Ellie reluctantly swapped places in the car with her father and sat in the driving seat, unsure of the wisdom in doing so and with a knot of nerves in her stomach. They’d driven to a quiet suburb not far from where the Watsons lived, but it appeared Derek possessed more confidence than his daughter.
‘It’s not as if you need lessons,’ he assured her, ‘it’s just a matter of getting the feel of a car again and then I’m sure muscle memory will take over.’
‘Muscle memory, is that even a real thing?’
‘Course it is, trust your old dad and switch on the ignition, will you?’
For their daughter’s eighteenth birthday, Grace and Derek Watson bought her a block of twelve driving lessons, and the excitement of the gift remained vivid in her memory. Ellie had taken out a provisional licence a few months earlier but hadn’t felt confident enough to begin lessons, therefore the gift was unexpected and not something she’d hankered after like so many of her friends did. Perhaps the reason they’d given her such an extravagant gift was because Ellie hadn’t nagged them for it. The younger Ellie imagined passing her test, and the possibility of her father adding her to his car’s insurance or even buying another car – one for her and her mother to share – would be perfect.
Her very first lesson was anticipated with great excitement and didn’t disappoint. Ellie still remembered the warm glow of pride when her instructor said she was a natural, and he had every confidence that if her progress remained steady, she could pass her test first time around. Derek commented that perhaps they should have only purchased ten lessons.
The lessons continued weekly, and after only five sessions behind the wheel, the instructor encouraged her to apply for a test, a date which would take several weeks to come through. Full of the confidence of youth, Ellie didn’t need telling twice and sent in her application that very night. But fate was to intervene, and Ellie’s hopes of passing her test in record time were dashed when she broke her ankle while playing netball at college. She couldn’t remember taking control of a car since then.
Derek had filled in the blanks in Ellie’s memory, explaining that when her ankle healed, she’d resumed lessons and, as predicted, passed her driving test first time. Since then, she’d been driving regularly and her own much-loved Mini Cooper was sitting in the garage waiting for her to feel confident enough to drive again. Despite her father’s reassurances that she was a good driver, it was a strangely unfamiliar sensation to sit behind the wheel, and she was hesitant to press the accelerator more than a fraction while releasing the clutch. The car lurched forward and Ellie panicked and braked hard.
‘Come on, love. You can do it.’ Derek offered no other advice, so Ellie tried again. This time something connected, in her mind and with the pedals, and she manoeuvred the car a short distance down the street. Her father remained silent, no instructions or directions as Ellie turned left into a cul-de-sac. Derek smiled as she drove to the top of the road and attempted a three-point turn which turned into a five-point turn. He later praised her, saying the manoeuvre was well executed. An hour later, her confidence was high as she drove to Phil’s, taking the car onto a dual carriageway to get there.
‘Well done!’ Derek beamed. ‘It must all be in there somewhere, you did brilliantly, as if you’ve been driving for years, which of course you have. You’ll do even better in your own car, I’m sure.’
Being able to drive again would give Ellie a sense of freedom and relieve the pressure on her parents, who must be feeling like a taxi service. She hated to depend on them, yet true to form, neither spoke a word of complaint.
Phil opened the door, a wriggling Sam in his arms. ‘How did it go?’ he asked rather too anxiously. Derek answered for her.
‘The girl was great, a natural. I can confidently say she’s ready to drive, eh, love?’
‘Yes, it did seem to come back to me and after a couple of hiccups I felt quite relaxed.’
Derek left the little family, anxious to get home and tell Grace the good news. Phil and Ellie took their son inside.
Aware of being much later than usual, Ellie asked, ‘Do you need to get to work now?’
‘No, I can continue working at home today if you’ll occupy Sam and then I thought we might go out for a late lunch somewhere to celebrate your success at driving.’
‘Sounds great to me.’ Ellie’s face warmed – thoughts of their date were still fresh in her mind. Another outing, and this time with Sam, was more than welcome.
Phil disappeared upstairs into his office while Ellie flopped down on the carpet with her son, giving him her full attention. ‘What shall we do now, little man, tickles?’ She tickled Sam, a game he loved and was rewarded with the deep, throaty chuckle she so adored. Next, they made a brick tower and the little boy took delight in knocking it down again. A feeling of contentment settled comfortably in her heart. Ellie was precisely where she wanted to be, with her child and her handsome husband upstairs, and a dreamy smile crossed her face. Life was looking hopeful.
‘I thought we might go to The Balloon Tree Farm Shop? You’ll love it, Ellie. There’s a café, an organic farm shop and an animal corner which Sam loves. The café’s quite bright and spacious but as it’s such a lovely day we’ll probably be able to eat outside.’ Phil had finished work for the day and ran downstairs, clearly keen to get out.
‘And do we often go there?’ Sometimes, it was frustrating when Ellie needed to rely on others to fill her in on such trivia.
‘Yes, it’s a favourite which I think you love more than Sam, especially the animals.’
‘Ooh, what animals do they have?’
‘Goats, pigs, chickens… you love them all! Hey, little man, how about we go to feed the goats?’
Sam clapped his hands, leaving Ellie wondering how much he understood; their son certainly seemed up for an outing, as was she.
Phil was right, the relaxed atmosphere at The Balloon Tree was perfect and the weather held sufficiently for them to enjoy eating outside. The menu suited them all. Sam was happy with spaghetti bolognaise while she and Phil chose the filled baguettes. The animal corner lived up to his recommendation too, and Sam could get close enough to the goats to feed them from the packet of seeds they’d bought in the shop. The afternoon was bursting with laughter and Ellie found herself wishing it didn’t have to end.
An exhausted Sam slept in the car on the way home as his parents chatted comfortably, mainly about their son’s exceptional qualities. As they neared home and lapsed into silence, Ellie’s thoughts turned to Fran, who’d kept her word and been in touch on several occasions. They’d arranged to meet on Saturday, and as Ellie knew Phil wouldn’t be working, she assumed having some time to herself wouldn’t present a problem – every day for the last two weeks had been spent with Phil and Sam, and a break might be good for her.
Once they were home, much later than they’d expected, Derek was waiting outside for Ellie, so she quickly told Phil she wouldn’t be coming round the following day as she was going into the city and would ring him later in the day.
‘But it’s Saturday. I thought we’d take Sam to the Railway Museum.’
‘Oh, you should have said sooner. I’ve arranged to meet Fran now and I can hardly put her off.’
‘Fran?’ Phil sounded surprised and perhaps even a little angry. ‘But you don’t see Fran these days. You haven’t seen her for years, so why on earth do you want to meet her now?’
Ellie was taken aback by the sharpness of his tone – could he have a temper she’d so far not witnessed?
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t think it would be a problem.’ Her reply was almost as sharp.
‘Where are you meeting her?’ he asked.
‘In York, in the city centre.’
‘Well, I hope you don’t intend to take the car.’ Again, his somewhat petulant tone took Ellie by surprise.
‘Of course not, it’s too early to drive to the city, and I didn’t realise I needed permission to go out with friends!’ Almost as soon as the words left her lips, she regretted them, but it was too late to take them back.
‘Don’t be silly, of course you don’t need permission – but Fran? She’s not part of your life these days and I have to say she’s not a good influence on you.’
‘Oh, so you pick and choose who I see, do you? And I hadn’t realised you thought of me as silly!’
‘Ellie, that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry.’ Phil’s tone softened and a look of hurt clouded his eyes. But she didn’t give him time to finish as she dashed from the house and ran to the car where her father waited to take her home.
All evening Ellie replayed the conversation in her mind, or was it an argument? How dare he tell her who she should and shouldn’t see – and was his anger something which was a regular feature of their marriage? Refusing to tell her parents why she was so upset, Ellie went straight to her room, only coming down when Grace called to say dinner was ready. When Phil rang later that evening, Ellie declined to speak to him, claiming a headache and needing an early night.
Chapter Nineteen
When Ellie turned fifteen, her parents allowed her to travel alone into York city centre, where she usually met up with Fran and Rosie. The freedom of doing so and the feeling of being at last grown-up enough to travel alone was a heady experience. After trawling the shops together, they would splash out on a coffee, or occasionally meet up with boys – a prior arrangement which they invariably neglected to mention to their parents.
Wandering the strangely named streets – Low Ousegate, Finkle Street, Coppergate and Ellie’s personal favourite, Lady Peckett’s Yard – she would imagine the people who’d lived there centuries ago, their simple lifestyles, their hopes and dreams. Her love for York had never diminished – the streets filled with bustling tourists, and street performers in the summer months, captured and held her attention on each new visit. It was a city of which she would never tire.
But all that was when she was a girl. Now the grown Ellie once again sat on the bus heading for York city centre, her thoughts whirring and doubt creeping into her mind, threatening to undo the fragile progress of the last few days.
The date night with Phil surpassed Ellie’s expectations. It was nothing short of incredible and was followed immediately by her mother’s remarkable idea, the absurdity of which she loved and was more than happy to embrace. More days of looking after Sam in their home reinforced her burgeoning optimism, days crammed with fun and even laughter, something which a few weeks before Ellie feared would not be possible again. Even her parents appeared so much more relaxed than they’d been for an age, easing her guilt and encouraging the belief that they could get through this challenging time and return to some semblance of normal life.
Yesterday, her mind was filled with thoughts of returning to live with Phil and Sam, heady thoughts of such a significant step, of intimacy and love, but now Ellie was losing it again – the uncertainty was returning to trouble her fragile mind.
Ellie regretted her sharp words and childish behaviour towards Phil. So much for her mother’s bold new idea! It sounded pretty feasible at the time to simply ‘forget’ about her amnesia and begin a new life – but today, doubts were creeping in. Were there things she should know about Phil before taking that next big step of moving in with him? It was an impossible situation and Ellie longed to turn away from it all. Perhaps some time with Fran would be good for her. At least Fran was a familiar, trusted old friend.
The address of the wine bar was one Ellie remembered as a rather run-down traditional pub. The façade of the building was the same, yet stepping inside was quite a surprise. Glass and chrome ruled the day, with the wall behind the long bar covered entirely with large mirrored tiles, reflecting the bright lights and creating the impression of space. Ellie blinked, startled by the stark brightness and temporarily blinded. Then she heard Fran’s familiar voice.
‘Hey, why the long face?’ Fran sat on a bar stool with a glass of red wine already in her hand as she swivelled round to greet her friend.
‘Oh, nothing, take no notice, I’m just feeling sorry for myself.’ Ellie forced a smile and ordered a glass of wine for herself, ‘A large one,’ she added. They paid for the drink and headed for a quiet table in the corner.
‘Come on then, tell Auntie Fran all about it.’
‘Oh, Fran!’ Ellie sighed. She hadn’t intended saying anything about her troubles but relief at seeing a friendly, familiar face loosened her tongue. ‘I was beginning to think things were going so well and now I’m not so sure.’ Ellie related the events of the last few days, starting with how much she’d enjoyed looking after Sam and the date with Phil. She repeated their conversation of the previous evening when Phil seemed almost angry that she wasn’t going to spend the day with them.
‘What a bloody cheek! But I wondered if this might happen, I can’t say I’m surprised.’ Fran looked thoughtful.
‘What do you mean?’ Ellie’s curiosity was piqued.
‘Well, you’re convenient, aren’t you? A babysitter and a housekeeper rolled into one with a few extra benefits on the side…’ Fran grinned wickedly.
‘That’s not true! I want to look after Sam and miss him terribly when I don’t see him – and Phil hasn’t so much as pushed me into lifting a duster, never mind anything more intimate.’
‘Okay, but you have to admit Phil’s benefiting from your compliance. Did you ever wonder why you’d taken a career break; was it for your sake or his?’
‘I would imagine it was a joint decision. Sam’s my son, and I want to look after him.’ Ellie bristled slightly at Fran’s implications, feeling suddenly defensive of her husband. The expression on her friend’s face was difficult to interpret, a sort of ‘I told you so’ look. ‘Why are you looking like that, Fran? Is there something I should know?’
‘Oh, Els, you’re such an innocent sometimes, but if you really can’t remember, then perhaps there are things I should tell you.’
‘What do you mean, if I really can’t remember, do you think I’m faking this?’ Ellie was growing uncomfortable and a little annoyed. ‘If you’ve got something to say, Fran, then you should just say it!’
‘Okay, okay, but calm down first. While you were engaged to Phil, there were several instances when it appeared he was controlling you and it grew worse over time. I tried to warn you, to help you see what he was doing, but you were blinded by love and wouldn’t listen.’ Fran kept her voice low, which alarmed Ellie even more.
‘In what way was he controlling?’ Surely, she thought, this couldn’t be true?
‘Mainly little things, like when you should go out and who you could see, just like today, and I’m pretty sure he made all the decisions about how you spent your money. I know you opened a joint account and put your salary into it – and buying that house seemed to be more Phil’s choice than yours.’
‘But lots of married couples have joint accounts, my parents do, and if Phil chose the house, he certainly got it right. I love it!’ Again, defensiveness was creeping in.
Fran shrugged. ‘Look, you asked, so I’m telling you. Rosie thought he was controlling too and isn’t this the kind of behaviour you’ve just described? I don’t know why Phil doesn’t like me but he’s the reason we stopped seeing each other. He disapproves of me, okay?’
‘Oh, Fran, I don’t know what to say. Up until now, he’s been so patient and kind. This is so hard to believe.’
‘Well then forget it, or at least let’s change the subject and not spoil our time together. Another glass of wine?’ Fran grinned and Ellie decided to let the matter drop although it wouldn’t be easy to banish her friend’s words from her mind.
